Feel Like I'm Having A Dry Spell

[Golden_Griff]

I wasn't going to make a thread but I decided that I may actually need some extra support on this.

I'll just cut to the chase because I don't have the time to explain in detail right now: I just feel like my concentration/focus/zeal--whatever you want to call it--for God is running on empty. On top of that I'm going through doubt spells again (which is always a reoccuring thing). I'll go to church and I dont know it's like I'm not there or something and I feel/think that I don't want to be there. I really don't like what this is that's happening to me and I'm not quite sure why this is going on.

~G_G

[Alice]

I know what you mean, about dry spells. I think they're normal. Maybe?

I'll pray for ya.

Sorry I'm not much help.

[phinny5608]

Yep, I know that kind of thing. It sucks. I think to a lesser extent I've been going through a continuous dry spell for a long time now. It attacks my love and passion for God. I really hate it. I also get those doubt spells, but they die off. God remains like a rock through it all.

This may not sound like much coming from another person, but rest assured, God does exist. Christ really is there for you and loves you.

I'll pray for you.

[Syreth]

Griff, I'm glad you posted, cause we all need help through times like these, especially in prayer and encouragement. If I could say two things about dry spells -- Number one, push through it. I'm pretty sure most Christians have them. Feelings come and go, but the Truth and the promises of God remain. Number two, let God become your strength. I think times like these are like training sessions where we can displine ourselves to stand in the grace of God and not on ourselves or how we feel. Well, I hope what I said helped... I have a bad habbit of giving cold-sounding advice. I pray that God's peace would come upon you and that He would cast out your doubts and bring back the excitement of your first love.

[Archan]

Hi,
I have had so many dry spells it's almost sad...but it's one thing I've figured out it's that when your actually at your lowest, irronically thats when your closest to God. You'll pray and pray and feel like God's not giving you a second thought, but in reality He's right there next to you, His ear so close to you your every whisper is captured. And His hand so close to your heart He can feel the pain run through His fingers. Don't be discouraged, don't be confused, God still sees you, even more so now. Just continue to pray and pray, and never loose sight that He's always there.

Also, and I'm not suggesting that you stop going to your church, or stop going to church all together, but perhaps He's calling you to another congregation? Maybe your calling is elsewhere. Are there any other churches you visit other then your own? Are there any other churchs of the same faith around? This may not be the case, but sometimes one simply isn't fed spiritually at the current church they congregate at, and it has nothing to do with the church, but they're simply being called somewhere else.

Anyways, regardless just continue to pray, but don't stop going to church either, thats exactly the kind of thing the devil wants from you. One of the hardest things to fight is a spirit of depression, or hopelessness, or discouragement. Talk with others, talk with fellow church memebers, seek council from your pastor and friends.....and most of all pray.

I'll be praying that God gives you peace in your heart, and strength as well. Keep us informed.
God bless,
Archan

[bigsleepj]

I go through a lot of dryspells when my lust to work on my writing just get scrapped - I feel no desire to write or focus on my writing or anything else. Usually this is because I began to feel a distrust of confusion in God. But I know that God will help through all this - He has before and He will do the same to you. The posts by the others are wise as well - I hope that you will make it through this and start

I just feel like my concentration/focus/zeal--whatever you want to call it--for God is running on empty.

Sometimes the best time for a Christian to stop believing in God is the period after the person has accepted God and the feeling has "leveled" a bit to normal. This is not really a bad thing but because the person is getting used to God the same "zest" is not there and this could lead a person to believe that elation felt during the beginning of his journey in Christ was just all in his mind or that God has left. You shouldn't give up in God just because it doesn't feel the same - you should push through (as Syreth suggested) and soon all might become clear. Remember to pray and read your Bible and keep your mind focused on Christ (hard as it may seem). As Archan said you may need to go to a different church if you don't feel comfortable. But just keep with Christ longer - it will become clear what was ailing you sooner or later.

[Golden_Griff]

I appreciate your words everyone.

Ok now, so I guess I'll give a further explaination of what's going on.

Well, this week we're having revival and...I've been..."dreading" it since last week. I said then that I didn't want to go and I say it now. The only reason why I'm going at all is to sort of "keep the peace" with the family. Ugh...even now I look at the time and I think about how many more hours I have before I have to get dressed and drag myself up there

Last night I was analyzing my experience in the service:
1--I got sandwiched in between two elderly women who I don't normally associate with. It was rather uncomfortable having about 1 foot of the required 3 feet of personal space. In addition one of the ladies were singing so loud it was like sitting next to a banshee, which irritated me.
2--It's this song we always sing to open up worship; and each time it becomes more..."irritating" to sing.
3--We sing the opening song forever and a year seems like, meaning that I would get tired of it
4--during the prayers I would zone in and out with my mind wandering
5--I was trying not to do it so much so to not seem rude or anything but I was glancing at the clock every now and then
6--I've been playing that game of "last one in, first to leave" intentionally arriving at church 30 minutes late (I'm only interested in catching the sermon)
7--Even then I'm thinking about going 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes late tonight
8--while everyone is whooping and hollering at the speaker I'm sitting there wondering when he's going to close the sermon so we can get home. The sooner he closes, the sooner we have alter call, and the sooner we can leave
9--I was able to join in with the songs and for a few moments I wasn't thinking about how desperate I wanted to get back home

As #9 states, I was able to enjoy some of the service. But if you look at this list, overall it's nothing but irritation and unChristian-like feelings or something. I assume that the irritation is just attacks from the enemy. But how do I know that for sure? How do I know that it's just the enemy and not myself who's being lazy? Or maybe it's something totally different (such as the calling thing)?

I think about my two close friends, and I think about how everytime Sunday rolls around they're excited and they're looking forward to having a good time in church. And I think about how excited they get when their Wednesday night bible study rolls around--doing all they can to get there.

And then I think about me: someone who goes to church because "it's tradition" or "I don't want my family scolding me" or "I don't want anything bad happen to me this week." And when bible study night rolls around, I'm fighting all day (and most times all week) with myself over deciding whether or not to go. When I go to church on Sundays (well my "home" church at least) rarely do I go with the thought "I'm going to praise and worship the Lawd!" on my mind. It feels more like I'm programmed to go, without any clear reason other than to be counted as present. There's only one clear thing that's on my mind when I go to church and that's to hear the sermon. Songs are good too because they uplift the spirit and put me in the mood. But overall I only care about hearing the sermon--everything else just seems to take up time I could be spending elsewhere doing something else.

Eh...I don't know what I'm talking about anymore ...

So, the main idea is: Why am (and seemingly can't) I get as excited over gathering with other believers at church on Sunday or any other day of the week as my friends and so many others? The lack of such excitement is one of the things that tends to make me doubt my faith so much.

Also, and I'm not suggesting that you stop going to your church, or stop going to church all together, but perhaps He's calling you to another congregation? Maybe your calling is elsewhere. Are there any other churches you visit other then your own? Are there any other churchs of the same faith around? This may not be the case, but sometimes one simply isn't fed spiritually at the current church they congregate at, and it has nothing to do with the church, but they're simply being called somewhere else.

I'm glad you said that because I strongly feel that God calls me elsewhere.

Right before I left college for the summer I decided to join my roommate's church as a member. I growed so much there and I always enjoy the sermons because I always get something from the messages. Sure, I still had those times where I felt like "ugh I don't feel like going!" but in the end it was worth the time to go. I really enjoy my roommate's church so much more than my own. This new church opened my eyes to so much more than what I thought was possible. So when the pastor gave the invitation to become a member, I stepped right up without hesitation. I could--and still can--say with certainty that this is where God wants me

Unfortunately...mom and dad--my whole family--was not pleased with my decision AT ALL . Their reaction was so unbelievable: they acted as if I decided to be a Satanist! And my dad was trying to give me all of these lame excuses of why I shouldn't have done it and "they're just taking your money" and "you're a Baptist"--(this church is non-denominational)-- and "you think you're not growing at your church" etc. etc. My family made me feel awful and guilty when I didnt even do anything wrong. I fell into one of the deepest depressions I've ever had in my entire life, and it may have been worst than that if I didn't have some support from 4 other ppl (including my roommate and an older family friend who went through the same ordeal with her family).

Well, enough of that because that's a completely different topic.

Anyways, regardless just continue to pray, but don't stop going to church either, thats exactly the kind of thing the devil wants from you.

Which is how I know that what I'm feeling is not...good or whatever. I've asked God maybe twice in prayer to help me with this but now it's like...I don't even want to pray for help. I don't know why I feel like that--like its something to be ashamed of or something and I can't even talk to Him about it. I know that I can't do stuff by myself because I just screw things up but with this it's like "well it's your problem Griff, YOU fix it." But that's the thing--gah I'm just confused all around

*sigh* Well I have a good hour and a half before I have to go searching for something to wear....

[Syreth]

I don't know your church, but just the fact that your family wasn't in support of your decision to become a member of another church is a bit of a red-flag. Don't feel guilty just because you don't enjoy one church as much as another. It's nothing to hinder your prayers over, you know? God seriously wants to help you through this, and it really does sound to me like He might be leading you to go to another congregation of believers. If you do attend another church, I might suggest finding a place where you are needed (since the body of Christ is about serving and not for our own entertainment) and also where you have the companionship that you need. As for saying your thoughts are from the devil, don't be too quick to say so. And if they're not from the devil, it doesn't make you the most terrible person on the planet. God might be allowing some discontentment as a catalyst to get you going in a direction. Who knows... I'm just speculating. Hope I helped and you'll be in my prayers! I pray you'll come to the place that God has for you, even if your parents might disagree with it. Thanks for sharing, Griff.

[Yojimbo]

I know what you've been feeling. For a couple months now I've been feeling kind of spiritually "dead" like I have no desire or at least no enthusiasm to serve Him. It feels really awful sometimes. And I've tried to pray about it but I can barely muster to do that at times. Same feeling at church, the feeling that I just want it to be over with. Bleh not good stuff.

But yes if you felt like you were growing spiritually there more then you should really run that home with your parents. Even if they don't understand if it's better for ya then I'd pray about it and see what happens.

[GhostontheNet]

Hmm, interestingly, this Psalm came to mind.

Psalms 42:1-11 ESV To the choirmaster. A Maskil of the Sons of Korah. As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. (2) My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? (3) My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?" (4) These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. (5) Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation (6) and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. (7) Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. (8) By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (9) I say to God, my rock: "Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" (10) As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?" (11) Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (43:1) Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me! (2) For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? (3) Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! (4) Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. (5) Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

[agasfas]

2--It's this song we always sing to open up worship; and each time it becomes more..."irritating" to sing
6--I've been playing that game of "last one in, first to leave" intentionally arriving at church 30 minutes late (I'm only interested in catching the sermon)

I feel that way many times too. To be honest, I haven't been to church for a really long time because of work. Instead, I usually find time to do self studying/research. Perhaps not the greatest thing, but I find it gets me more involved in my relationship with Christ.

Going to church or singing doesn't make you any more faithful to christ then another. It's whats in our hearts. What matters is that you believe. Some use church as inspirational motivation and to worship, but others have other ways: self/group studies, or whatever.

When I was in teen group, one of our youth pastors Dave said he hardly stays at one church for long. Whenver he feels that the church is unable to help him grow in faith, or the Church seems to loose that "spiritual feel," he leaves.

I'm not suggesting changing churches or don't go, I guess what I'm saying is that some people have different ways they use to grow closer to the Lord. For me, sermons don't really get me too involved and can sometimes get boring. I tend to be more involved in things like youthgroup or bible groups/studies. I mean sitting down, talking, exchanging thoughts and giving people personal support is much more effective for me. It's more personal and involves me more. But that's just me.

I've been there and occasionally feel the same at times so you're not alone. Although we believe, I think many of us sometimes loose that inspiration fire (feeling) and need to find a way to relight it. Whatever it may be, I'll be praying for you.

[ShiroiHikari]

Maybe you just need to go somewhere else. God's will is above that of your family's, especially since you're an adult now. Do what you need/want to do with your life, and if your parents don't like it, well, they'll have to just get over it eventually.

[Archan]

Goldgriff:

That forumla you stated, yeah, I go through that all the time at my local church. I think it's mainly a matter that your being called elsewhere.

My current situation is this, I go to 5 churches, mainly because these churches are where I can apply my talents and ministry for Gods glory, however I'm not doing much of anything or being fed spiritually at my current church. Also, I have yet to find a church where I am fed spiritually, though one church is slowly catching my eye, but these 5 other churches are mainly churches I work with, art wise, but I visit them for the sermons as well. But the main thing is, I continue to go to my current church, and yeah, I show up late and leave early, unless theres a few members around that I can fellowship with. I force my way through the praise singing and mainly go for a word and the main preaching...a good majority of the time though I'm up at the altar praying for strength. However, I still go to my church, but everyone knows I'll be leaving very very soon. However, till I find the church I'm being called to, I remain where I am because we need to be constantly founded on the word and on God, and not be wandering spirits, just not healthy for ones spiritual walk. I will remain where I am till I find where I'm being called to. But at the same time I remain active in the things of God, even if it's at other churches.

You on the other hand, you seem to have a good ideal of where your being called to. I can understand how it must be to deal with ones parents, let alone an entire family. However, this is what I would do, visit both churches, yeah, I know, thats alot of church, but continue to fellowship at this church you have your eye on, and dredge yourself through the church your currently a member of, and really see if this other church and not your local church is where your being called to. This decission is a big one, and you want to be sure. If it ends up being the church, then suck it up and do what must be done. No you wont be popular around the family, I know, but at the least you be strong in God, and your spiritual life will be better. It's a hard decission, but growing in Christ usually is.

And no, God doesn't want you to do this on your own, it's not just your own problem, for you alone to deal with, God will help you through it. But you'll need to be in constant contact with Him. He's there with you, even when you don't feel Him, He's there. And when you do decide to move churches if it's God's will, and you'll need to confront your family and even old friends, He'll still be there. Just focus on the things of God, really pray about this decission, ask for understanding, and continue to fellowship at this other church you feel your being called to, talk with the pastor about your situation, seek his council, are you still currently an active member? If you are, groovey, don't stop going to that church, but really seek council from the Pastor, the Youth leaders, anyone you can talk to. If your not still an active member, keep visiting the church anyways, keep in contact with them, and seek theire help and guidance, even go on activities with them such as outings, cell groups, get togethers, really fellowship with them, fellowship is very good for the soul, especially a soul thats feeling down, I find when Im feeling down, fellowship with friends is a great pick-me-up.

Its gonna take alot of effort on your part Goldgriff. ALOT, believe me, I'm going to five church and still have no ideal where I need to be, you on the other hand seem to know for sure, and I'm happy that you do, that God has revealed to you where your being called. But don't break off your ties with your family either, and if that means making the sacrifice to attend your other church just to keep the peace, so be it, but only for a time. God will let you know when it's the right time to sever yourself from you current church completely, and when to start growing on your own. And it's going to be hard, very head, especially now that it seems you don't have the support of your family, hence why you need to seek council and such from this other church, lean on them for support, seek their concil, and you'll know almost immediately if this is the church your being called to.

I'll continue to pray for you, that God gives your household peace, that you find peace, and the answers you seek, and that when it comes time to make the big move, you'll have the streangth and wisdom to make that decission without any doubt, full of confidence, and that you'll be growing in christ and that much stronger and closer to Him.
God bless,
Archan

P.S. Here, have a hug, *HUG*.....I find hugs are good pick-me-ups as well

[Golden_Griff]

First of all I would like to say thank you for your input and prayers.

Yesterday and today....I decided not to attend church revival services. When I woke up Thursday morning and decided that I wasn't going I felt...so much better I don't know, it was kind of odd like I just got done taking final exams or something.

I was rather hesitant to make my decision because of having to answer to my father (he's one of the church leaders). But surprisingly (ha, almost miraculously) he didn't scold me or anything. Ultimately I saw no benefit in going if I couldn't enjoy the experience.

I found something in nearly everyone's post that I had comments to, but it was so much to read through I've kind of forgotten But I'll try:

Syreth: Yes I thought it was rather surprising and disappointing that my family was not supportive of my decision at all. You'll think they'll be happy, seeing how I've changed in my attitude on life and everything. There's little, if any, difference in the worship experience except that this new church is non-denominational (which, according to my father's "expertise", is so because that way they can take in any and everybody's money). And they have the nerve to say that they don't know anything about that church when I invited them on several occasions!

As far as the companionship and needed talents; that's all checked. Everyone at this other church is very friendly towards me (and not in that snakey snake way) and I've gotten to be friends with members of all ages. Learning about my artistic talents, the pastor asked me to help with some of the church's advertisements (graphics and such). He's really helping me to realize how I can employ my skills for the building of the church and God's ministry--something no one has EVER mentioned to me at my home church. Many of the members are supportive of my art.

Yojimbo: It's not that I have no enthusiasm to serve God, it's just I have no enthusiasm in going to church most times. However, I will admit that I don't read my bible like I should which I understand would help me through a lot of this if I did so. I know that I need to make a bigger effort in sitting down and spending time in God's word.

I've tried to help my parents understand what this church is doing for me but they just wouldn't stop with the negative objections and nay-saying long enough to hear what I was trying to tell them After I realized that they wouldn't have an open mind to at least listen I just shut up about it and left it to God. Even if they fail to understand, I will continue to attend this church when I return to school and maybe more often in between.

GhostontheNet: That psalm spells out a lot of the feelings I'm experiencing at this time.

agasfas: I never really thought much about the different ways of growing closer to God. But I have found myself to have my Bible open reading scripture through a majority of the service. I do feel that I'm able to grasp more doing independent study (that is, when I do study) because I would run across scripture that speaks directly to me/my situation. Sometimes it's an encouraging word, other times it convicts me (Malachi 3:13 for example).

It's like I told my family about bible study one night: neither the teen nor adult classes held my interest because I felt I needed something more advanced in material. Not that I'm saying the teaching is bad, it's just that everyone's still on milk when I'm looking for solid food!

In addition, this other church runs more on teaching than preaching; I get more from the sermons because it tells of how to make changes to live a better Christian life AND apply them, as oppose to biblical story-telling (at least that's what it seems to me).

Shiroi_Hakiri: Yes, they will have to get over it This is my soul we're--no, I'm dealing with here. When I go to be judged I'M going to be responsible for giving the account of my OWN life.

Archan: I appreciate your comments. Too bad I already forgot most of what you said *glances back through* Yes, the people at this other church are very supportive. I feel more comfortable talking with them than I do with the people at my home church, and I've known those people all my life! And yes, as of right now I'm pretty confident that this other church is for me. I've been to other churchs in the area and no one compares to this one.

And thanks for the hug! Hugs are always nice to get ^_^

***

Again, I appreciate all of your concerns. But I'm afraid I bring another request: I've been having a lot of tension going on surrounding my father in the past 3 months. I've even had to fight off some very evil thoughts concerning him a few times (which I am ashamed to confess, but I will =_=). It's just a lot of frustration with him and his inability to understand the feelings of others within his own family. I especially hurt for mom: in addition to aches, stress, exhaustion, running up and down the road, trying to keep the house in good condition, and recently mysterious inflammation of her ankles, she has to put up with dad and his insensitivity.

You may say why I haven't discussed any of this with my father. Well I only have one answer for that: he's simply unapproachable. You could tell him something, anything one hundred times but you might as well be talking to a wall. He hears but he doesn't listen. And if he does respond, it's usually in the form of snapping or some other negativity "proving" that he's in the right. I'm starting to think that what mom says is correct: as...illogical as it seems to me (for lack of a better word) maybe he was never taught any better.

Anyway, again (wait that's the second time I said that) I appreciate your concerns.

EDIT: Also include in your prayers (if you choose to) that my eyes/mind will be restored to the point where I can work on the computer without feeling fatigued. I know that I may just need to spend less time or at least that's what I thought. But even after a 3 day vacation the other week my eyes/mind still tires after 30min to an hour of being on the computer. Sure this kind of thing has happened before but for the past month or so my eyes would get fatigued so much sooner--like I said sometimes as soon as 30 minutes. For the sake of my nervous system's (?) health I'm willing to stay away. Then again, I've had it for so long, and I do so much with it. Looking back at that fast in January I think that I can go without for a month. But I don't want to have to do away with technology completely.

[agasfas]

I also find the non-traditional get togethers are nice too. I meant like taking random topics and chating about it with friends and such who actually have insight or opinions. In a less formal setting. Not taking a certain passage revolving a theme or study around it.

Like taking a certain topic, expanding on it and ending up on a totally different topic

But I also like the formal ones too.

I'll continue to pray for you, your mother and dad. I hope things pick up for ya. Oh, and I'll also be praying for you physical well being; about being fatigued and such.

Perhaps the stress from a lot of things goping on around you could be aiding to the feelings of fatigue... Maybe?

[c.t.,girl]

i'm praying for ya griffy ^__^

[Syreth]

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling more at peace about your church situation. It sounds like it's definately a good thing that you have some resolve about it. I must say, your father's opinion of non-denominational churches is disappointing, as with his actions and attitude towards your family. I'll be praying for your family, that God would get ahold of your dad. Even the most stubborn of people have a hard time ignoring God (i.e. Saul on the road to Damascus).

As for your fatigue, my friend spends excessive time on the computer for his education, and he says that dark color schemes help a lot. Bright colors cause a lot of strain on your eyes. I dunno if that helps or not. I'll be praying for you!

[Golden_Griff]

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling more at peace about your church situation. It sounds like it's definately a good thing that you have some resolve about it. I must say, your father's opinion of non-denominational churches is disappointing, as with his actions and attitude towards your family. I'll be praying for your family, that God would get ahold of your dad. Even the most stubborn of people have a hard time ignoring God (i.e. Saul on the road to Damascus).

As for your fatigue, my friend spends excessive time on the computer for his education, and he says that dark color schemes help a lot. Bright colors cause a lot of strain on your eyes. I dunno if that helps or not. I'll be praying for you!

Hmm...*tones down brightness*...hmm that seems to help

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'll have to say that today things were no better.

While I was out shopping with my parents today, my father and I had a nasty verbal fight. This is the paraphrased/summarized version, but to the best of my knowledge and memory this is how things went down:

NOTE: Things in parentheses are thoughts I was thinking at the time.

~~~

Me: I went looking around in that thrift store and I found this doll. (He's probably going to ask why) The reason why I got it is because I've heard about the company who makes them getting sued and this is the only one I've seen. (Oh heck it was only $4).

Mom: *nodding head in interest*

Dad: When are you going to quit playing with those dolls?

Me: [neutral]Ha, never! Dolls are my hobby just like cars are your hobby...[*in the most assertive, calm, non-"sarcastic/mean" way possible*]...and everytime you all [him and his family] mention it it irritates me.

**things get blurry at this point, but going by how the conversation progressed I think he said something negative about me being 20 or something. Very quickly things got intense. He started to see that I was challenging him and in turn his aggressive behavior made me very upset and defensive**

Me: I could be out there doing bad things but no-- you're worried about me "playing" with dolls. So what would you rather have me do? "Playing" with dolls or out on the streets selling drugs, doing drugs, drinking, prostituting myself, stripping in night clubs--

Dad: [*and I'm guessing, hoping, praying that he said this out of anger:*]--well I rather have you out doing drugs! Why you always got to be smart with everything you say!?--

Me:--[*voice shaking*]I'm not trying to be smart-mouthed or sarcastic or mean all the time. All I'm trying to do is express my feelings in a way that I get through in these situations because you always have a problem with everything I do EVERYTHING --

Dad: You always complaining about what other people got but you can't stand to hear about yourself!--

(**Right now I'm thinking "ha, I'm the one with the problem??!" at this point we're parked in a space at the department store**)

Me:--ok gimme one example

Dad: I can name plenty! --

Me: Well give me one--

[**I can't remember what he said here so he probably didn't say anything, at least not that I remember**]

Me: I won't know what I'm doing wrong until you tell me so name ONE...[slience]...you want me to name one? Okay, does the time that I wrote my aunt [*name withheld*] a letter about my socks count??[*exits car*]


Dad: [*with his lame arguments*] These people are trying to show you about life!!--

Me:--WHAT DOES MY BLUE SOCKS ALL THE WAY DOWN ON MY FEET HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH LIFE??!

[**now he's saying--barking--something in response but I was so worked up I don't even know what he said. All I know is that it upsetted me enough to slam the car door and storm into the department store. As I stormed off I heard:**]

Dad: You slam that door again and you'll be walking home I know that!! [**home is 30 minutes away**]

Me: [in my head, altho I was close to responding] (Walking home?? HA! If it means going back to live under the same roof as you I don't want to go back home!! )

~~~

I had to go in the store with tears on my face, on the verge of breaking down. Immediately I went to the toy section, partly to attempt to carry on with my browsing and partly to make a point that no matter how many people have a problem with my harmless interests that I will continue to buy dolls for as long as I have the desire to do so.

I found myself so upset, with bad thoughts running through my head, I had to go off in an empty aisle and start praying to God, praying that He'll calm me down and that the next time I saw my father I wouldn't say (or worse, do) anything harmful. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would be a guard to my mouth, because there were so many things I was thinking that I wanted to say to my dad, things that may have done more damage than good.

After a while (and after being reunited with mom) I eventually met back up with my father. Mom's presence and off-topic chats helped me to stay calm and put my mind on the merchandise. But my father and I still didn't say anything to each other. I never bothered to look him in the face to see if he ever attempted eye contact, but it was because I was still upset at him and not fearful. I tried to make that a point by remaining in close contact, yet I still didnt make eye contact.

The whole ordeal happened around 5:30-6pm today. We haven't said anything to each other since. Even after we got home and I was putting up the groceries in the refrigerator, blocking the way with the door, somehow he managed to squeeze his way by without saying a word. When I saw this, it caused a flare to erupt again; he was too mad to even ask to get by! I cut my eyes at him but I said nothing. Mom was on the side and tried to calm me down with "that's alright." He didn't even bother to make his routine checks back here in my room to see what I was doing.

Well, he's up in the den sleep now, and I'm glad: that way I won't have to worry about him when I pass through to the kitchen .

[Archan]

Hold on a minute....
*Chases misquito around room, grabbs axe, "Come here ya little blood sucker" Buggers flys away...."I'll get back to you!"*

Kay, sorry about that, little guy was annoying me, plus Califorina is dealing with the whole West Nile deal, uh, just not cool stuff. But anyways...

Archan: I appreciate your comments. Too bad I already forgot most of what you said *glances back through* Yes, the people at this other church are very supportive. I feel more comfortable talking with them than I do with the people at my home church, and I've known those people all my life! And yes, as of right now I'm pretty confident that this other church is for me. I've been to other churchs in the area and no one compares to this one.

And thanks for the hug! Hugs are always nice to get ^_^

Well, from what I've gathered, and from what you posted, there's only really one thing left for you to do. Make the switch offical, there seems to be heated friction between you and your father regardless, at the very least you can keep you spiritual walk and life going strong, which in the long run will help out with dealing with your family. A troubled spirit in Christ and a troubled spirit in the household is way more dangerous then a strong spirt in Christ in a troubled spirit in the household. I would focus on your spiritual walk right now, thats your main priority.

As for your family, in particular your father, well.....things arent going to be any easier. In fact once your start strengthening your spiritual walk again, things will probably get more heated, just the way the devil likes to work. But at the least you will be getting fed spiritually, you'll have friends "Ones you can see that is, as much as I luv my internet buddies theres no subsitiute for human interaction ", to talk with and vent amongst, and a whole church to seek council from, and therefore will be better prepared to handle the unrest in your house.

It's going to be hard, very very very hard, but your spiritual life is your MAIN concern at this moment. You continue to have my prayers, and I'll pray for your family as well, that God moves their hearts towards your favour,a nd that the unrest in your houshold will be replaced with peace. I'll also pray that God gives you wisdom on how to deal with your father. I hope things work out, and here....*Hands Griff a Hug Coupon* for whenever ya just need another hug. Dont worry, it doesn't expire

God Bless Griff, stay strong.
Archan