guilt-ridden and alone...

[edochick]

for the past year, i've been extremely depressed.
and it's no one's fault but mine. i've done so many horrible things this year. the main one is about my best friend. before her, i'd never been codependent before. it got to the point where people were questioning our sexuality because we'd do things that looked extremely odd. and it wasn't like that for either of us. we were both just so codependent we didn't really know where to draw the line - what was healthy and what wasn't.

so all the speculation took a toll on me. and it got the point where i started questioning myself. and because of that i felt ashamed and guilty. i became a very bitter and angry person. angry at myself...and not wanting to admit the thoughts i was having in my head. which made me feel more alone than i've ever felt before. because i couldn't tell anyone. and i felt like God was disgusted with me. (which i know is false, God loves me exactly the same) but i just never was able to shake the horrible guilty, sick feeling.

i can honestly say i hated myself. since summer started, things have been a lot easier to deal with. maybe because school is out and i'm not around everyone anymore. but i still feel desperate for peace. i haven't had that in a year. i have no idea what to do.

in my spirit, i know i'm a changed person. i know that God loves me and i know that he's forgiven me for everything i've ever done.

but my feelings say otherwise, and right now, they're my greatest enemies. i've been trying to fix myself for a year...and i'm almost at the point of giving up. so please pray for me. i need it now more than ever. i want to stop feeling guilty and ashamed and bitter...and depressed.

i need peace.

and if you have any scriptures to help, could you tell me those as well?

[Gabriel 9.0]

Lord please give Edochick the strength to overcome this difficult moment she is going through . For through you Lord any obstacle can be overcome and anything is made possible.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

I will be praying some more for you.

God Bless.

[AsianBlossom]

You got it; I'm going to Mass this morning, so I'll be offering my Mass for you.

[Prince Asbel]

Poor edochick. A whole year?

I Samuel 30:1-6: David and his men arrived in Ziklag on the third day. The Amalekites had raided the Negev and attacked and burned down Ziklag. They also had kidnapped the women and everyone in it from the youngest to the oldest. They had killed no one but had carried them off as they went on their way.

When David and his men arrived at the town, they found it burned down. Their wives, sons, and daughters had been kidnapped. David and the troops with him wept loudly until they had no strength left to weep. David's two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelite and Abigail the widow of Nabal the Carmelite, had also been kidnapped. David was in a difficult position because the troops talked about stoning him, for they were all very bitter over [the loss of] their sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

I use this scripture to point out that David was probably WAY more than a little depressed here. And yet he found strength in the Lord. So I guess unless your circumstances are worse than his, you can keep your chin up. David often wrote psalms and sang to comfort himself, maybe you can do that too? (Sing, I mean. Not write songs.) Perhaps that will help you find comfort in the Lord.

You're in my prayers. God bless.

[Kunoichi]

Edochick,

I can't say that I know exactly what your going through as you are your own experience. I can only honestly say that I know how it is to feel that way. While I will say that I do not know when you will not be able to get out of this..God is with you, God loves you and he will never, EVER leave you. Even if you can't feel him, please know that God loves you very much and will give you more strength than you ever can imagine!

God bless

[Yuen Fei Lung]

I'll be praying for you Edo. I can tell you that (as everyone has already said and as you well know) God will never foresake you. I've messed up TONS of times in my life and continue to do so on a daily basis. But God is quick to forgive our sins and wash us clean. God bless you!

[12praiseGOD]

Definetly praying for you!
GOD BLESS YOU and remember that GOD does love you no mater what, Jesus even asked forgiveness for those soldiers that did horrible things to Him when He was on the cross...what type of scriptures would you like?

[Tsukuyomi]

You have my prayers

Just take one step at a time You know you have God's forgiveness, now it's your turn to forgive yourself That may not happen over night, so all you can do is take it one step at a time

[edochick]

thank you for your prayers :]

i was thinking, scriptures about peace and God's forgiveness. ones that would help me feel like i'm not such a failure.

[ChristianKitsune]

Hey, EdoChick!

I just wanted to let you know that you are definately in my prayers! I know what it's like to be co-dependant on others... maybe not the extremes that you say you were but I did rely on my friends A LOT to make me happy. And when they aren't around I can get extremely depressed...

I encourage you to read the book of Job. In this book it talks about a man that had to endure so many horrible things, but he remained faithful to God and eventually things were okay again.

You say that you feel that God has definately forgiven you, and I truly believe he has...but you need to forgive yourself! God doesn't want you to be down on yourself...he created you, he sent His son to die for you. You are a NEW creation, and you aren't the same as you were before. You know that, I've heard you say it. ^_^


But since you asked for scripture, I'm gonna find some for you, okay?

For starters, here is a great passage that I LOVE: (I've actually just posted this in another thread on here...

Psalm 139:1-18

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

This passage has brought me to tears many, many times...it shows exactly that God knows WHAT and WHO we are... he knows when our thoughts aren't the best, but he still loves us. And if we rely on him enough, He WILL change our thoughts toward him. I promise you. This passage also has said to me, that no matter what, God is ALWAYS by our side.. He's always going to be there for us, even when it feels like we are alone and isolated in the darkness. Nothing is ever truly dark because God IS there! ^_^

Psalm 119: 90-120 (I will highlight the verses that I think will help you.... but read it all in context. I encourage you to read this chapter in Psalms sometime... it's a little long but not really..

[B]90 Your faithfulness continues through all generations;
you established the earth, and it endures.

91 Your laws endure to this day,
for all things serve you.

92 If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction.

93 I will never forget your precepts,
for by them you have preserved my life.

94 Save me, for I am yours;
I have sought out your precepts.

95 The wicked are waiting to destroy me,
but I will ponder your statutes.

96 To all perfection I see a limit;
but your commands are boundless.

m Mem
97 Oh, how I love your law!
I meditate on it all day long.
98 Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are ever with me. 99 I have more insight than all my teachers,
for I meditate on your statutes. [/B]

100 I have more understanding than the elders,
for I obey your precepts.

101 I have kept my feet from every evil path
so that I might obey your word.

102 I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.

103 How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!

104 I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path.

n Nun
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.
106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it,
that I will follow your righteous laws.

107 I have suffered much;
preserve my life, O LORD, according to [B]your word. 108 Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth,
and teach me your laws. [/B]

109 Though I constantly take my life in my hands,
I will not forget your law.

110 The wicked have set a snare for me,
but I have not strayed from your precepts.
111 Your statutes are my heritage forever;
they are the joy of my heart.

112 My heart is set on keeping your decrees
to the very end.
s Samekh
113 I hate double-minded men,
but I love your law.
114 You are my refuge and my shield;
I have put my hope in your word.
115 Away from me, you evildoers,
that I may keep the commands of my God!

116 Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live;
do not let my hopes be dashed.

117 Uphold me, and I will be delivered;
I will always have regard for your decrees.
118 You reject all who stray from your decrees,
for their deceitfulness is in vain.

119 All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross;
therefore I love your statutes.

120 My flesh trembles in fear of you;
I stand in awe of your laws.

David struggled a lot through is life...and he cried out to God several times... And God really did help him...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Galations 2:20
20I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

This goes back to I was saying earlier... When we accept Christ, we are NEW. We aren't who we were before we know Him. So there is no need to dwell on what we've done in the past...

Finally:
1 John 1:9
9If we confess our sins, he is [B]faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.[/B]


When you come to God, and you say, and you seek His forgiveness sincerly.. God DOES answer...and he DOES forgive...

If God forgives you, and he doesn't see this sin that you keep beating yourself up over...then there is no reason to do that.

I encourage you to forgive yourself. God sure has! 8D

I'm sorry this was really long... but I hope some of this scripture has helped...

God Bless!
~Kitchan

[NekoChan_C]

Edochick,

Shared sorrow can either be the wedge that drives us apart, or the ties that bind us together... I'm so sorry that you have had to go through the troubles you have had... I wish I were close enough to give you a hug, just a real hug, and let you cry, talk, scream, rant or to pray with you... whatever you would need to do in order to excise this pain and torment within you...
My door is always open to you... my heart is always open... you are in my prayers...
Neko

[freerock1]

Romans 8:1-2:
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Romans 8:15:
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"

Romans 8:33-34:
"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."

1 John 1:7 (emphasis mine):
"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

1 John 1:9 (emphasis mine):
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

1 John 2:1:
"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."

Psalm 103:1-3 (emphasis mine):
"Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases..."

Psalm 103:12:
"...[A]s far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

Zechariah 3:1-2:
"Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, 'The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?'

Put yourself in the role of Joshua the high priest in this passage. Notice that God doesn't deny that Joshua has sinned, but He doesn't rebuke Joshua. Instead, God rebukes Satan. Satan does the same thing to us today, reminding us of the sins of our past and ready to accuse us before God. But...

from Revelation 12:10-11:
"For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony...."

We overcome Satan's accusations because Jesus' blood covers all our
sins, and knowing that, we can remind ourselves of it and speak God's Word as the truth when the enemy comes to accuse us.

Believe me, I've dealt with the same kind of thing you're going through... not so much in the area where you're dealing with it, but I've dealt with Satan's nonstop accusations. And it's still a challenge for me. So know that you're not alone in this fight, my sister.

Although I didn't quote them here, I'd also recommend reading Galatians Chapters 3 through 5. There's a lot of good stuff there about how in Christ, we are free, and about standing in that freedom.

Hopefully this is of some encouragement to you. I'll be lifting you up in prayer.