Iam not anywhere near God right now.

[Spector]

I have been known to rant, but I will keep this short, by using keywords AFTER I tell you how this mess started. Here I go:

I went throught major depression around just before I finished highschool. Thats when I went towards the goth lifstyle, and where I met my first girlfriend. She was actually a very righteous girl, and didnt stay with me for obvious reasons. I was so mad at how I acted, and what my actions caused, that I wayned from gothic things. You would think that would be a wakup call and I would get over myself and go back to God...HA!

Heres my keywords since that happened, for I dont want to go into detail: Slipped into deeper depression, Stoped going to Church, Became the most Emo and WHINIETS lil punk you ever saw (just search my previous posts), became even more mad at myself and others yet hide it all under my "Christian Mask", Stoped praying, Always the morally correct one when it came to purity in front of my coworkers while geting semi-addicted to porn, Was justifiablly lonely on top of CONSTANTLY thinking about sex, which lead to bad moral decisions which may have lead to bad health concequences, and now have nightmares about how Im going to tell my future wife about it. Tell myself Iam only looking at her face when Im not inside. Iam 2-faced in everything moral about sex. Swear when Im alone, ESPECIALLY the F word. Have almost started self mutilation, had MANY thoughts of suicide not to mention almost got into my dads gunsafe.

All while I can STILL here a small in my head saying "STOP! Theres a cliff at your next step.". Thats why Iam here tonight. I had stayed away from here cause I realised that all my other posts where nothing but sob storys..but tonight, Iam desperately seeking help and forgiveness.
Iam not removing the link to my myspace. Look at it if you want a face to tie to this monster.

No one knows about any of this. Only my best friend who I have known through all of school knows a tenth of this. I fear the day I have to tell my future wife about my past, and worse, stand before God, acting no different than the people rotting in hell right now, all while I knew it was wrong.

[NekoChan_C]

I don’t know if anyone has PM’d you about this, but I am sending this as a public post, because it is something that any and everyone can benefit from realizing or remember…

You may be far from God, you may have done some things that you are ashamed of, or terrified of admitting. But God is right there, waiting for you to come back to Him. And even if you are so far that you can’t see Him, you can hear His voice… Stop, take a moment, and cry out to Him. The Bible says that He hears the cries of the lost…

Go somewhere private, and bare your heart before God. Tell Him everything – and I mean everything – that you have done, felt, thought about or desired. He already knows, He’s just waiting for you to bring it to Him. Ask for forgiveness. Repent of the sins you’ve committed.

Then, find a person you trust (pastor, church leader or friend) and open up to them too. This is the hardest thing for most people, because while we want to be forgiven, sometimes we still want to save face by not admitting to others what we have done. BUT (and especially with sexual sin) accountability is a key factor is change.

Then continue to pray. Any time and every time you can. Relationship is built on sharing and communication. The more you talk to God, the closer you will draw to Him. You know all the rest, reading your Bible, attending church, making choices based on Biblical principles… but if you want to be closer to God, draw near to Him.

Bridge the gap by going back to Him, one step at a time.

You’re in my prayers…

[Prince Asbel]

I've got you in my prayers, dude.

[AsianBlossom]

You'll get through this; be patient with yourself, and always remember that God loves you so much, no matter what you're guilty of. And acknowledging that you need prayers is a great sign that all is not lost! Most certainly, you should go and have a discussion with someone you trust, but I would most likely recommend a priest or pastor. Sometimes, sins tend to leave things with us that can hurt us later on if we don't properly dispose of them. As a Catholic--your denomination(s) and beliefs may vary--I believe that the Sacrament of Reconciliation formally wipes away all sin (God can most certainly still forgive you outside of it, but it's a formal and private declaration of our sinfulness and contrition to God, and a physical way to hear the words "I absolve you from your sins," as if Jesus Himself were in place of the priest, actually telling you that Himself). In addition, I believe that special Healing Masses (where after the Mass the priest prays over everyone asking God to heal them) can remove any other bits of trouble that may have come when we committed certain sins, as well as anything passed down to us through our family lineage.

(Anyone who may believe otherwise, please do not bash what I have just written or start an argument because of it; it was respectfully put here to share an option with our friend.)

But seriously, I would say that you should talk to a priest or pastor...you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. And I'll be praying for you too.

[animewarrior]

I WILL PRAY!!! I can't say I relate or anything but just remember even you feel like you are ALONE there ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO CARE! I don't care what messed up (insert proper swear word here) that you are dealing with. Just remember:

The LORD is our REFUGE and STRENGTH, an EVER-PRESENT HELP in TIMES of TROUBLE - Psalm 46:1 !!!

and I know you posted this for prayer but I really think what you are doing is crying out.

GOD HEARS YOU! HE WILL LISTEN. HE DOESN'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU SWEAR ABOUT HOW MESSED UP YOU ARE OR A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I URGE YOU TO CALL OUT TO THE LORD OF ALL THINGS. HE W-I-L-L HELP YOU.

- Sincerely, Your Sister in Christ,
animewarrior

[12praiseGOD]

Okay so here is my two cent: GOD is always by you and is always trying to get you back to HIM, which is what I say that little voice is.
I recomend that you read The parable of the Lost Sheep which is in Luke 15 : 3-7.
The way I interprete this is that if you are lost, you are much more valueable to him that all the people (in this case pharasees) that think they have no need for repentance. He will look for you no matter what because you are part of His priced flock, never forget that...if you would like some more detail about this just PM me.
GOD BLESS YOU!!!
-oh and by the way I could never think of you as a monster, you still have desire for GOD...although you may not realize it!