Problems w/ trust between my parents and i

[jon_jinn]

for some reason, my parents recently installed some sort of internet filter into our computer. the filter blocks certain websites and such, but also allows my parents to view ALL of my emails and AIM conversations and all of my other, what would otherwise be regarded as "private", things on the internet. they claimed that the primary reason for this was to prevent any me from viewing pornographic websites and other explicit internet material.
i found my parents actions to be very disappointing and really lowered my esteem of my parents as well as my trust towards them. they didn't tell me about this filter until they'd already installed it. the fact that they think that i'm addicted to pornography or something is also troubling consider i'm NOT and i never HAVE BEEN. but what's the most troubling to me is the fact that they think it's okay to freely view my emails and AIM conversations! i mean, a good majority of those things are private and i am very mad and frustrated at the fact that they can look at those things whenever they want to. i no longer have the same respect and trust for my parents, that i used to...please pray for me and my parents.

[bakura_fan]

I'll pray. I know what it's like to have to deal with that stuff (in other ways offline). *sigh*

[Tsukuyomi]

I'll pray for you to It's not fun to find out that they think that way just because they see others looking at that stuff u_u

Have you tried talking to them about it?

[Radical Dreamer]

While I certainly understand your frustrations, you are 15, and you still live in your parents' home, thus living by their rules. All you have to do is show them that you have nothing to hide, that they have no reason not to trust you, and they may even take the filters away eventually.

Besides, the fact that they want to know about your internet life shows that they care for your well-being. Too many parents don't monitor their teenagers on the internet, and terrible things can end up happening. Granted, I doubt that's the case where you are concerned, but be thankful that your parents care about you. This could be an opportunity to show them how trustworthy you are.

[Fish and Chips]

I do side with Corrie on this subject, however I believe your parents should have discussed this with you. I'd advise mentioning this to them rather than sound incredulous about a censor.

[Danderson]

Ditto on what Radical Dreamer said....I know I've been there before with my parents, though the reasons they did it was very reasonable considering what I was going through at the time.....
U have my prayers.....

[EricTheFred]

My heart aches a little every time I see or hear something like this. I fully understand your frustration and your disappointment.

It's just, that at times like these I wish there were some way to put into words the outright fear and worry that drives a parent to do such a thing.

I don't know the details of why they came to the conclusion, but I do know the awful things they fear, having watched friends and relatives dealing with children who fell into seriously dangerous trouble. Not just drugs and porn, but a friend's daughter, a girl I watched grow up, who now dances in a strip club, a friend's sixteen-year-old son who has dropped out of school to support his girlfriend and their baby, a cousin's daughter who gave up her baby for adoption because, at seventeen years old, she wasn't mentally prepared for motherhood, a niece who tried to suicide... the list keeps going, but you get the point.

They aren't meddling for mean reasons, or trying to control you, they are battling an enemy they can't see, real or imagined, the only way they know how. You don't know if it's something you did that they took the wrong way, or if someone they know has run into problems with their child, and it got your parents thinking... and terrified.

Please, as you work through this with them, remember. They might have seemed all-knowing and all-powerful when you were little, but by now you should know that they aren't. They know this better than anyone else, but they will still do whatever they can to protect you and help you grow safely to a strong adulthood. Even if it means angering you or hurting your feelings. It's called parenthood, and it hurts a lot. It's worth it, but it hurts.

[ShiroiHikari]

Wow. It hurts when people betray your trust like that. I agree with Corrie, just show them that they've got nothing to worry about, and maybe they'll see that they were wrong to doubt you.

Maybe you should try talking to them about it-- but don't go in swinging. Be calm and mature about it.

[Slytherine]

You should definitely talk to them about it. From what I read on here, you handled/ are handling the situation pretty maturely. I know I didn't handle it NEARLY as well when my parents put blocks up on me last year. Of course, I have computer-savvie friends who disengaged the program they used. However, at the time I was screaming death threats and throwing things.

But I'm better now! It's amazing how reigniting my relationship with God has helped me deal with my anger issues. But really, just tryr talking to your parents, explain to them why it bothers you so much that they can't trust you. And if that doesn't work...well then, hopefully they will recognize that you aren't doing the awful things they think you are and stop on their own.

~Slytherine

[Doubleshadow]

As tempting as it is too blow up at them for this, I recommend viewing this as an opportunity to show your parents how mature you've become. Tell them calmly that you felt they should have at least mentioned it, and you wish they had let you voice your opinions. If they're reasonable, they'll sooner or later see that there is no reason to suspect you and withdraw the monitoring. You can either demonstrate maturity in a time of frustration, or demanding childishness. I advise the former.
Praying for you.

DS

[ADXC]

I know its tough that they may not trust you, but this is your chance to prove you do nothing wrong on the internet. They're just looking out for you thats all, and even though you don't do this stuff whose to say you never will(Not saying that you will.), its just its better to have safe parents who care for your wellbeing than parents who could care less what you do. I know your respect may have went down on them, but you must keep the commandment that says "Thou shalt honor thy father and mother for this is right." Even though you don't agree with what they are doing you must think well of them and do as they say for as long as your under their roof. And even when you get out of the house you still should honor and obey them.

[Mithrandir]

My heart aches a little every time I see or hear something like this. I fully understand your frustration and your disappointment.

It's just, that at times like these I wish there were some way to put into words the outright fear and worry that drives a parent to do such a thing.

I'm quoting this because it's exactly how I feel. Love is not easy.

I really wish someone would invent an empathy link - some way you could FEEL what your parents feel. I wish there was someway you could "get inside their skull" and understand the depth of love that compels them to do anything, ANYTHING to keep you from harm.

I hate to put it this way, but you're reacting exactly like most teens, and if you don't work really hard at getting to the "core problem" here, you're going to end up with the same, normal distance that many teens and their parents end up experiencing.

You have a wonderful opportunity here to grow up or grow apart - the choice is yours.

[Tsukuyomi]

Just talk to them about it. It sounds like it's the betrayal that is hurting you the most. Not the actual filtering.. am I right? There's a lot of iffy things out there on the internets. They're just watching out for you ^^

[termyt]

If I were a parent, I would definitely install blocking and monitoring software. No doubt. I would, however, also be very up-front about it. I think that is the mistake they made.

I pretty sure they know how you feel. They were teenagers once, too. My question is, do you know how they feel?

I'm not a parent, but I think I'd rather have my child's health and safety than their trust. I'd rather know my child is having very mature conversations with someone of unknown age and gender then wonder why he/she disappeared one day. How many stories in just the past year of some straight A student with everything going for them suddenly disappears only to find out they were talking to someone over the internet and agreed to meet with them? Any everyone points their fingers at the parents and says "Why didn't you see this coming?"

I was a teenager, too. When I was, I was praised for my maturity and my cleverness. I was intelligent, strong willed, and well versed. I knew everything I needed to know to deal with the world around me.

Now that I am in my mid-30's, I see how very easy I was to manipulate. The knowledge and experience I've gained over the last 20 years makes it, forgive the term, child's play to break down a teen's logic and challenge their world view.

When you are on the internet, you are not on a level playing field and there are way too many people out there willing to take every advantage they have to take advantage of you. Before the days of the internet, teenagers were monitored by their parents. They didn't need to monitor exactly what they said or who they talked to because no 40 year old sex offender could come to the dance or the drive in and pretend to be a teen.

Be thankful that you parents care enough to protect you and speak to them with respect when you tell them you wish they had talked to you before the filter went in place.