Crisis of the faith, depression, and suicidal thought

[Yahshua]

I am at the darkest hours of my life I guess I need some prayer at this moment in time. First I am having a serious crisis of the faith, I am not sure about that Father God has my best interest anymore. After night after night of kneeing in my room and pray to the Father God for relieve of the current situation. For me as always God the Father is always pull the carpet under my feet or the donkey and the carrot trick. Which He Promise me something and will complete His works but never complete it. I am at the brink of suicidal thought after more and more bad news and personal setback. With three out of the four graduate schools rejections and unemployment I don't know what is life's joy anymore. And Father God is not provide me a way out. I am just sick of living this way. So pray for me if you will. I can't take this anymore.

[chibiphonebooth]

AW Dan!! I'll totally pray for you~

*hugs*

everything will be ok.

[Kunoichi]

My dear brother,

please do not turn but look towards the Lord. Remember for what the Lord has in store you, my brother. Please do not give in to what this world would have you think. For brother, remember to count it all joy your suffering for Christ himself has suffered. He will not give you stone brother, when you ask for bread.

Please know that he will be with you, even in your darkest time for brother this is where the light will shine its brightest. How can we know the fathoms of the Father's mind, only that he loves us against all things and that he has plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future.

Please brother, i go on bended knee with you, beseeching before the Lord for peace for you and that he may be your strength.

[HitomiYuriko]

My Dear Friend, I have know you for over 2 years since I signed on to CAA. I haven't seen a person who questioned their faith and overcome that obstacle. I do beleive that you will find the strength in your friends here and at home to get through this.

Please don't give hope on your dreams, as I told you while we were on the chat room. Just because there are a few road blocks the causes you to question your faith. Just believe there is always an answer for it. I have faith in you Dan, I know that you will overcome this and survive with the strength in your faith and knowledge that everyone you know in CAA are there for you 100%.

Your Friend and your CAA MOM

[Danderson]

Ditto what these two said......In Ephesiphans 1:4 it says that, "Long ago, even before He made the world, God loved us and CHOSE us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes....."

He chose you, Yahshua, to carry out a special purpose that he made and created for only u....even before he made the world.....He also said He'd never leave us......and right now He's waiting to comfort you if you would give this over to him.....

U have my prayers......

[Radical Dreamer]

Oh wow, Dan, that sounds really rough. I can't say I've been in your shoes, nor can I offer advice from experience, really, but I can say that God does have a plan worked out for you, and I have no doubts that He'll bring it in His time. Our lives will always hit rough patches, but we just have to remember that those harder times can bring us closer to God and others, and good will always come of it.

I'll definitely be praying for you!

[12praiseGOD]

Hey Dan, calm down. Life can get tough at times but it is only for your greater good. Here is a surmary of a sermon that I really like...I think it may help you not feel so bad or scared during the times of darkness.
In John 6:15-21 it reads, "Therefore, when Jesus knew that they were about to come and take Him by force to make Him king, He withdrewagain to the mountain by Himself. When evening came, Hies disciples went down to the sea, got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. Darkness had already set in, but Jesus had not yet come to them. Then a high wind arose, and the sea began to churn. After they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea. He was comming near the boat, and they were afraid. But He said to them, "It is I. Don't be afraid!" Then they were willign to take HIm on board, and at once teh boat was at the shore where they were heading."

NOw let me make a few point s that I see in these verses.

First ;of all sometimes he lets things get dark... this is so that he can make a great impact and show his conforting self and his power to you and others.

Second; He may let it get dark, but He doesn't leace us in the dark. He is always there just like Jesus was there in the middle of the storm.

Third; He shows his mastery over all things and provles by letting it get dark like He showed control over the storm with his disciples.

Fourth; When He says , "It is me, be not afraid" he is asking you to turst in him and not be scared, even if you are in the middle of the storm....then peace will com and you will get to a greater level of faith and were you need to be, just like the disciples found themselves at the shore.

Here is a plain english traslation to what He did to the sea, IF the sea is giving you a problem, look what I can do to it I can walk on it so don't be scared.

I think that He is saying that if we are scared or unstable in fith with him the softests of breases can knock us down. IF you are not afraid from the inside with Jesus you can deal with anyting that comes your way.

Fifth; The man who could walk on water, wanted to get into their bgoat and get them were they need to be. Meaning that Jesus always wants to come into your life and get you safe, but you must truely trust Him.

Sixth; He wants you to get to that greater level of faith so that you may do His greater works.

Seventh; He loves you so MUCh that He will walk on watre to get to us and save us from the storm. Remember that !!!


Here is a little story that I love. During the great depression there was a little church in the south. One sunday afternoon , when it was already dark the service began. Just as the preacher stepped up to say his first word of the sermon the lights went out. They sat in silence for several minute, little chaters between the congregation and the preacher frozen stiff not knowing what to do. Then something happened that he was never to forget, a person from the back of the church rose and said,
" Preacher, Preach on , we can still see Jesus in the dark!"

here is another verse that I like,
"For the Lord will not cast off HIs people, Notr will He forsake HIs inheritace. " - Psalm 94: 14

and...

"But I am poor and needy; Ye the Lord thinks upon me..." Psalm 40: 17

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Maybe all these "broken promises" from God are not broken promises, rather they are things that did not go as you expected because he has called you to something greater than what you can imagine.

I'm sure that Job from the Bible wasn't too much of a peachy keen guy when he lost everything that God blessed him with, even though he did nothing wrong. It says that he wept and mourned for a long long time (Like, I think many years or something). Lo and behold, we see that his latter parts of his life were blessed tenfold, more than before.

And of course, suicide would just stop you from accepting God's masterful plan for you, Dan. He may not have provided a way out for you yet, but are you using this time of being "closed in" to strengthen yourself in his word? If not, you know you have to do that.

[GhostontheNet]

When pain and turmoil come and dig deep enough, somehow the thought of death becomes much sweeter, doesn't it? But the truth of the matter is, the only course of ruin that lies ahead of you is the siren's song of suicide that is trying to lead you to shipwreck. So a mere three out of thousands of graduate schools and a handfull of employers happen to have thought that a mere handful of applicants were better choices out of dozens and dozens of people that just happened to have included you. Its the funny thing about when people reject us - the more we are rejected, the more significantly free we become because we are not obligated to conform to their expectations. Indeed, Kierkegaard once wrote in The Sickness Unto Death that despair is like the rush of vertigo when man climbs the highest peaks of his own freedom only to see the sheer magnitude and swirling chaos of the manifold possibilities that lie before him. One may think that they have no future, but in actuality this is a mere illusion created by the clouds visible from the peak that obscure where the paths ahead actually lead.

So then, as to God, the chief work he promised to you that he would complete is you. And frankly, God is capable of understanding things we humans could never concieve. As an attribute of his omniscience, God is aware not merely of all things that exist, but all things that could ever possibly exist. Is it reasonable to assume, then, that God has created a world in which you would not be able to achieve the things that would ultimately bring you as close to completion as is possible this side of heaven? In many respects, God is like is like the greatest master artist. If your life is like the canvas of a painting, then the present time is like you are being painted with darker shades and rough textures. So now, because you see the way you look, you think that even the Master Painter cannot save the work and you wish you could just be disposed of rather than be seen by human eyes. But what you don't realize is that, like the work of Rembrandt, the darkness and the roughness gives the greatest contrast to highlight the intensely profound light and gentle smoothness so that it may be seen by all. What you don't realize is that the Master is not finished with you, and that if you permit him to, you will look back on these dark times as a necessary prelude to the times of radiance you will come to experience and reflect in the world. Don't give up. Perhaps this painting by Rembrandt will give you some encouragement:

[USSRGirl]

From someone who's been there, I have to agree with MSP. Many times we build up our own emotions and expectations that are saying "okay, God, I want out of this right now. I'm gonna have faith and You're going to get me a job, get me into grad school, and set everything just the way it 'should' be." When our focus is on our plans and how we think the things in our life should be resolved, it's hard to hear God saying "No, stop. Just hang on and trust Me. I'm doing this now because I have something much better planned for you." When we try to force God's hand it only makes things worst when He fails to meet our expectation, and meanwhile we lose hope because we're not hoping in Him but in our own "happy ending" ideas.

I'm not saying I've figured it all out yet, but I do know that we have one promise we can count on - if we stick with it till whatever end as a faithful servant, God will sort out whatever is going on in your life in His way and His time. Some things to remember that may help you: we all go through tribulations and low points in our faith. These times are only temporary, they happen to everyone, and when you're on the other side of the woods you may find just how much you grew in your faith and as a person during that time. Also, you say you're on your knees night after night, but there's nothing wrong with taking a break and cooling down either. Prayer is a two-way conversation; sometimes you need to wait and be content to listen for an answer.

As I've said before, I have no doubt that God has big plans for you, Dan. He wants to use you - if only to touch a handful of peoples lives and in so making your purpose infintely worth more than thousands of people who are mindlessly following their own desires. God's plans might not always be what we want, they may disrupt our own plans, but isn't it better if you look at this as a time to discover where God wants you to be? It may be in one of the schools you're hoping to get into (on a side note, my advisor told me that for the grad schools I'm shooting for I'll need to mail in at LEAST two applications simply because they want to see if you're persistant and serious about what you wanna do. The first, for my grad school anyway, is almost always rejected as pre-requisite. Kinda like how they say you should send job resumes in twice, even after initial rejection.) or it may be something even better that you haven't considered yet.

I know that it's hard when you're going through rough times, and these may just seem like weightless words on a computer screen, but please know that you will get through this - whatever is going on in your life, however bad it seems.

Ever in my prayers, comrade.

-Temulin

[wizard oz gurl]

Hun I know you are in a rock and a hard place right now. I was just getting ready to ask you how your apps were coming but now I think I will save that for another day and time. We are here for you in everything you do and here for you as your friends as well as your brothers and sisters in Christ. I can't really understand what you are going through, but when you do come out of this you will have a great testomy to share because you hung in there and made God your light and the center of your life. Look towards him and put all your faith in him and realize that he will never leave you or forsake you in anything you do. I know it may be hard to realize at the moment, but God is your best friend and you can go to him with anything, tears, joy, sorrow, one word, a few words, more then a few words and he is right beside you and with you each and every moment and each and every breath you take. You are God's child d he is not going to let anything happen to you that he does not have a plan for. God has a plan a purpose for yoru life and right now is just a test in your faith and to see where you put your eyes. Put your eyes upon the Lord and wait.
I will keep you in my prayers and always remember that you have God and you have your friends.
May God bless you in all you do!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

[SP1]

A door somewhere needs to be opened. I shall pray for that.

[LadyRushia]

Like the others have said, there will be times when we struggle and times when we are unsure. They will be difficult times, but God will take care of us the whole way. Two experiences I've had come to mind (though they aren't the same as yours, maybe they'll help). The first was during my freshman year, when one of my close friends from my D-team was in the hospital, and the second was my experience in China last summer.

My friend was admitted to the hospital with crushing pains in her legs and after countless tests the doctors had no idea what it was. At the time, it was the most difficult thing I had experienced. I think we had just talked about trusting God at our last meeting; I tried it, and I prayed every night. A few days after my birthday, she was ready to go home.

There were two weeks in China that were definitely the most difficult I have had faithwise by far. God convicted me about some very large areas of my life and He took some things away. If you can imagine having your soul shattered to pieces and suddenly feeling completely empty, then you'll have an idea of what it was like. I realized a lot, I found this website, and slowly God started showing me a new path, what I truly believe He wants me to do. Yes, doors were opened, but there was a period of time when I was stuck and saw no way out, but God was there for me. He is there for you, too. He will bring you out of this, Dan.

~Rushia

P.S. [^_^}o

[Kamille]

I pray that our God will bless you with a great passion towards Him who is life, Christ Jesus. I was in death (depression, which is basically the same thing) for 17 years of my life. But in the end God rescued me. I believe He will rescue you as well. Let us receive this in Jesus name.

BTW - great turnout everyone. I see you truly are blessed Yahshua.

[12praiseGOD]

here is a verse I wanted to share with you and I hope that it is guidance in some way!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up from the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my steps. He has put a new son in my mouth- Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord." Psalm 40: 1-3

see there is nothing to fear. God will always come to your rescue, sometimes you just have to be patience. There will always be a way out even if it is not the way that you were planning for it to be.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU !!!!!

[Yahshua]

Thank you all for the kind and encourage word. Lately I have been watching some old Outer Limit Episodes and last night it give me some great doubt about God and faith. As in the old Outer Limit Episode the main character always thought what he or she did will matter like saving the Earth from the Aliens or saving someone he or she loves at the end. However at the end the thing that the main character done has the opposite effect. And this leads me to my greater doubt what if our lives is just like one of the Outer Limit episode? What if our understanding of who and what God is actually is wrong? What if the ultimate punchline in the end is that God is not loving and it is actually an cruel scientist that what He actually does is to put us in some type of cruel experiment like a rat in a maze type of thing? And only thing we have is His Word and some Historical evidences so can we trust it?

[SP1]

Before there was a Bible. Before people knew about archaeology. There was God. And people believed in Him.

[USSRGirl]

"Do not attempt to adjust your TV.... we control the vertical, the horizontal..."

XD Gah. Kidding. But still, Outer Limits may not be the best comparison in the world. But just the same, even the episode themes you're referring to are playing off of human doubts that we all have and bringing up the question to be answered by the viewers. Really, we have two options:
1.) The idea that God may be some kinda uber powerful six-fingered tyrant (...is hoping somebody gets Temmy's obscure Outer Limits referrences...) and His Word is a load of crap after all or
2.) The doubt that you're now facing is the load of crap/lie perpetuated by the prince of this world/expert liar - Satan.

I can be assured that the second is truth based on numerous passages in scripture that describe the aims of the devil to be to twist, manipulate, and destroy the rightful order of creation just as he did with Eve. But even beyond that, if I never read a word of scripture I would still know beyond a doubt that this was true. Along the lines of what SP1 was getting at, in John (I think) we are told in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. We know that God is love itself - pure light, pure love - and that even without the Bible people have seen and felt love for centuries. Somehow there has always been a universal code that love, justice, morality is "the right way" and that hatred, anger, death is "wrong." Even in societies that rejected this code, there was a conscious rejection. If you inspect any civilization in known history you will find traces of this distinction. So I'd have to ask you, how could such a mindset exist in the human conscience without knowledge of a loving Creator? Without even some distant memory of what it was like before the fall? How would we know love, how would we come to reflect it, without it first being extended to us?

And even beyond all that, it comes down to a personal knowledge of the Holy Spirit working in your heart. Even if you had never seen a Bible, the Spirit would assure you of God's character.

[chelle0227]

Hey dan I know what your going through my brother.

I'll pray for you like you have done for me...Hope you can find faith in the lord again.
just like I'm trying to.

Praying for you my brother.

[Kunoichi]

Dan,

you have known the Creator's love so strongly. Seek wisdom for the Lord will not rebuke you for it.

Do not believe the lies of this world dan, I pray that you will fix your eyes upon Jesus, your savior once more. He calls to you and waits for you to come.

And if you remember what he said to you that night that we talked, take faith in that brother. For you are Timothy.

[freerock1]

Lifting you up, my brother.

[12praiseGOD]

I'll be praying!!!!!!!!!!!!GOD bless you!!!!

[Kamille]

Hi again Yahshua,

I came across some scripture today during my Bible study that hopefully speaks to your situation. Judges 20:18-35 is a great testimony of dilligence in the face of suffering. It is also about perserverance and victory through God.

After a heinous act by men from Benjamin the Israelites went up to fight the Benjamites, on God's command. Initialy, they failed horribly and lost many men, but afterward they wept before the Lord and asked Him for guidance. Once again He told them to go up against the Benjamites. The Israelites did so the next day, but once again they were defeated badly. Then they wept and fasted and even gave up offerings before God and once again they asked Him for guidance. This time God said "Go, for tomorrow I will give them into your hands." And the next time, He did.

The point of this post, which you may think has little to do with grad school or depression, is to remind us all that we really don't know when we will win or what we will have to go through in order to win, but if we keep going back to God we are blessed and victorious. And not only that, but we don't win ourselves. It is God that wins. Judges 20:35 starts out by saying "The Lord defeated Benjamin before Israel,". Notice the Word makes no mention of the Israelites winning. Trials and tribulations bring us closer to God because of the faith we received by His grace. When we are so close to Him that we are truly ready to do things for God's glory alone, we will recieve blessings because it is God who is victorious, not us alone.

[Yahshua]

Eh last night was the worst night I was planning to ends my life with bathroom cleaner. And I still angry and frustrate with my life and God. And thank again for the encouragement.

[Sheenar]

As someone who also has gone through a dark time like this (and also almost attempting to take my life), I know how hard and dark it is during this time. But as someone on the other side of the trial, I know God can work good and amazing things through even the worst parts of our lives.

Hang in there friend. Don't give up. You only have one life--and it is deeply and immensely valued by God and others. Don't forget that. Good will come out of this one day.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Woah, crap.
Dan, everyone experiences really dark times in their lives, it's part of being human. You can give up or hold on to Christ and his promises and trust he will pull you through. It may look hopeless now, but there is always hope in the future. Look to the future.
Denounce Satan's lies. He's an evil ******* and should not be trusted.
And you must talk this through with a trusted friend. Suicide is not the right choice, though it may seem the only one at the time.
It's all too common and you shouldn't become another statistic.
Why are you believing an Outer Limits episode over the Bible anyway? If it's causing you to doubt that much, throw the dam dvd away.
You need to talk to someone about this. It's very serious and it's not going to go away easily.
You can get through this, you will. With Christ at your side, life won't be easy but it is filled with hope.
Remember that.

God is love.
You are a Child of God.
He loves you deeply.
He made you unique.
You are not an accident.
You were designed with a purpose.
God is love.
You are a Child of God.

A Child of the One True God - Creator, Lord, Saviour of the universe and everything in it.
He loves you, we love you.

Look to Jesus for comfort, gather your trusted friends and talk it out.
Don't bottle it all up inside, it will only get worse.
God needs you and you need him.
So live in hope.

[Kamille]

Please don't give up. God loves you and we all love you here. Instead, let the peace of Christ reign in your heart.

[JesusFreak84]

*Hug*

That's about all I can do. :-\

[Etoh*the*Greato]

You've been in my prayers for a few days now, Dan... I totally understand the helpless feelings you're going through (I've been experiencing something very similar the last few months), so you've been right at the top of things I think about when praying.

[Yahshua]

Eh looks at my current situation eh it make me hard to believe God is a loving God. Lately when I thought about God it bring me rage anger and all the negative emotions about God. Eh I guess I could blame God with the bad hands I was dealt with when I was born. When I was born I was born with hand eyes coordination issue and language expression issue however I have not complaint about that or get angry with God. But what I am angry about is to put back to the exact situation where I was in during my 20 to 21 years old. During that time I had to drop out of the college and without an college degree my parents want me to looking into various jobs and at that time I applied to various jobs and no jobs would hired me. And various family friends want me to try career school like fixing cars ect... During that two years period was the most painful period I often stay at home doing nothing and my younger brother also lost respect for me. But after two years later I return to college and completed it and got my associate degree. Later on during the transfer to the university I felt the calls to serve God in the academic field as the professor in the field of Sociology of Religion. However during my university I nearly got drop out and during that mini episode I still haven't felt this angry before. What I felt angry about God is during the Spring quarter of 2007 at that time I gave it all for my courses. Even during Sundays I often went to the university library to study. And during that time I prayed a lot for good grades after the end of the quarter I got in one of my course 1.8 and one is 2.5 but along with that one of the course I got 4.0. And so even with that I still not as angry as doubtful as now and what make me angry and doubtful about God is why do God want to put me back to exact situation as I was in during my two years of depression. Not only that I felt that all my hard works amount into nothing. And I felt totally abandon by God. And not only that lately I have been attack by Satan too. Overall I hate my life and have hard time to believe God loves me at all.