Stuff and things

[Nate]

So I made this thread, but I really don't even know what to say in it. I'm just rambling, I guess, and this is the best place to put it in my mind. Because I guess, if you want to pray for me, that's okay, but I don't know, I really can't see it doing much.

For the past year and three months or so, my life has been spinning out of control. It's still pretty much the same. It seems no matter what God blesses me with, it's not enough for me. I'm spoiled. And I'm not even just talking about material things. They're nice, and I like 'em, but I could care less about stuff.

I have a job right now. I work Sunday through Thursday, from 6 PM to 4:30 AM, roughly, most of the time we get out a little early. It's a good job. I don't mind the work. I don't LIKE it, but it's tolerable, it pays well, and it has a good schedule as far as work time, I mean, how many other jobs give you three day weekends every week?

But, well...I feel lousy. I feel lousy, because I'm clingy. And I miss my friends, since my only friends are online. I don't really have any friends at work, because all my coworkers are like, middle aged women or men, and I don't have anything in common with them. And while I really like the hours (I'm a night owl), as you can tell the only time I have off, is when everyone is asleep or in school. So I don't really get to talk to my friends, at all, except on those three days. So I'm always really lonely, even more so than usual.

And not only that, but well...my boss has talked to me a couple of times, because my production numbers aren't where he wants them to be. I'm supposed to do a certain amount of stuff every hour, and I can't reach the goal he's set. And, I try...I honestly really try, and I come in and give all I can, but I just can't reach it...but in his mind, there's no excuse for not reaching the goal. I've never been the fastest or anything, but I've really been trying, and all it's making me feel like is, I'll never succeed. Even when I put forth all my effort, it's never good enough. Even when I try as hard as I can, I still fail.

It's a good job, and I need the money, and I don't know where else I could get a job if I lost this one...because jobs are VERY scarce where I live, since a factory that had 500 people or so working there just closed down a couple of months ago, so there is like NO work anywhere here. And I NEED the money. I don't want to get fired...but at the same time, I'm tired of never seeing my friends except for three days a week.

Which brings me to my statement in the opening paragraph. A lot of my friends are going through rough times in life, must be one of those times. And, I pray, a lot. But...it just seems like, it never helps. Like no matter what I pray for, the opposite happens. And I'm not talking about stuff like, "heal this person" or "let this person get in this school" or something, because I know, sometimes it isn't in God's will for a person to be healed, or for someone to get into a school. But I mean, praying for something a person NEEDS. Like, "help this person get closer to You" or "let this person mature and grow spiritually." And it's like, every time I pray...it just doesn't do any good. Especially for me. Because I have like, a million problems...most of them I can't even talk about here. And it's like no matter how much I pray, it doesn't change. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to be forgiven. I don't WANT to be forgiven...I want to change, but it doesn't happen...I have to keep crawling back to Him over and over again for forgiveness...and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being so useless. I'm sick of being this sinful creature that can't even do things right. But, I don't know how to change.

I have no patience either, in case you haven't noticed. ^^;;

Anyway...this would probably be better in a journal entry or something, but...I don't know. I just put it here because, well, I felt like it. I guess, because everyone on my journal has heard this, over and over again, and I didn't want them to have to listen to it again, and because of my job hours, there's no one on IM to talk to...otherwise I would just talk to someone there. But...yeah.

And I guess that's everything, mostly.

[Ratrace]

Its hard to go without your friends sometimes. I'll pray for you to know how to deal with work, and for more patience. Is there any way you can find people around when you are? Changing is something I have trouble with as well. How you do it depends on what your changing.

[QtheQreater]

o.o

Nate...

Eh...well, I'll be praying for you...

[freerock1]

Lifting you up, bro. And God bless you for your honesty and your heart. I do want to share a couple verses with you:

Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

1 John 5:14-15 - "Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him."

When you pray, ask in faith, knowing that it's not a burden to God. He loves you and wants to answer your prayers, asked according to His will. Seek Him first, and believe what He tells you about who He is, His love for you, and who you are in Him. Know that if you've trusted in Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, you are righteous, not by your own works but because of God's grace and Jesus blood. And even if it doesn't seem like anything's breaking at the time...

from James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

[Jingo Jaden]

I will pray for you. Hope things turn out well.

[gogogoh3]

I'll be praying, God loves you =)

[GrubbTheFragger]

Don't worry Nate I will pray. I am sorry you are going through this. And prayer always helps in some form or another. God answer your prayers in weird ways sometimes but be sure that they are answered.

[FadedOne]

*hugs to the Nate* You shall be in my thoughts/prayers.

[SP1]

Although you may be a "night owl" make sure you are getting plenty of quality sleep. I recommend:

Make sure the room is really dark. Sure it might be when you get home before dawn, but it needs to stay dark at mid-day. Heavy curtains or interior room are must-haves. Avoid noise and distractions. Remember, you are trying to fool your body into thinking that 11:00 AM is the middle of the night...

The older I get, the less tolerant I am of caffeine. I ran a study once, and that bottle of coke actually kept my pulse rate up for 6 hours after I finished it. If you are face slamming coffee or Dew just before you go home, re-think your timing, or go to sleep later in the morning and wake up shortly before going to work...

Go to sleep and wake up at the same time. Try to establish a pattern.

Sleep affects lots of things, like job performance and general mental attitude. You can do this, Nate. Hang in there.

ps: Celestra is up at weird hours, so you can probably bug her a lot.

[Tenshi no Ai]

Lots of stuff there... I'll for sure be praying for you.

[HisaishiFan]

I am going to say something that might sound a bit harsh, but I mean it in the kindest of ways: Ask Jesus to help you see your co-workers through his eyes. Why does he value them? Then listen a bit to him (and them) and see what happens.

[HitomiYuriko]

Although you may be a "night owl" make sure you are getting plenty of quality sleep. I recommend:

Make sure the room is really dark. Sure it might be when you get home before dawn, but it needs to stay dark at mid-day. Heavy curtains or interior room are must-haves. Avoid noise and distractions. Remember, you are trying to fool your body into thinking that 11:00 AM is the middle of the night...

The older I get, the less tolerant I am of caffeine. I ran a study once, and that bottle of coke actually kept my pulse rate up for 6 hours after I finished it. If you are face slamming coffee or Dew just before you go home, re-think your timing, or go to sleep later in the morning and wake up shortly before going to work...

Go to sleep and wake up at the same time. Try to establish a pattern.

Sleep affects lots of things, like job performance and general mental attitude. You can do this, Nate. Hang in there.

ps: Celestra is up at weird hours, so you can probably bug her a lot.

Thanks alot Honey

[Althaia]

oh be nice to mom daddy

[Ryupower]

LORD, I pray that you help him with all his issues....you are such an awesome God!
Thank you LORD that you helped this person in the past and that You'll do it again. I pray that you just show miraculousness and wonders, for You are capable of this!
In the glorious name of Jesus I pray...Amen. "

[Nate]

Update, I guess.

Right now I'm at the end of my rope. It's odd. For about the first 2 1/2 hours of work, my brain just goes crazy, like it's not even my brain. I think about things I don't even really believe or want to think about. Today I wrestled with committing suicide, giving up Christianity, getting myself banned from this site, going offline permanently...stuff like that. Stuff I wouldn't do, but it just appears.

And then, after lunch, I'm fine. After lunch I thought about that episode of South Park where they made fun of Family Guy and the rock version of Maybe I'm a Lion by Black Mages. It's like completely different brains, almost, as if at lunchtime they get swapped out. I have no idea why this is.

Right now, I'm going to be blatantly honest. As many of you know, I don't like myself. In fact, I downright hate myself. I've been struggling a lot, lately, because of one simple fact. I'm driving myself insane trying to figure out why God cares about me. I really don't like myself, and I feel like God shouldn't either.

Now, hear me out. I know a lot of you are going to say that God loves me, that He accepts me, and all that jazz. I know that. I know He accepts me no matter what I do. That's part of the problem. I really don't do much of anything for Him, you know? I have no clue what my spiritual gift IS (I actually feel like I don't have one), and I don't attend church because of my work schedule. I pray a lot to Him, to be sure, and I thank Him for everything, but...well, let's just say, I do a lot of stuff I'm really not proud of. And the fact that He just keeps forgiving me, is really starting to infuriate me.

That's not to say I don't appreciate His forgiveness. I do. But this is part of why I hate myself. I don't want Him to forgive me. I want Him to make it so I won't need to be forgiven. But this is something I've been struggling with for years, and it's like no matter how much I pray, no matter how much others pray, it just doesn't stop. I hate the fact He accepts me for who I am, because who I am is a horrible person. He shouldn't have to put up with my crap.

Yeah, and if you couldn't tell, I have some self-esteem issues...probably some mental defects (which doesn't help the self-esteem at all, let me tell you). Really, I don't know what's wrong at all...I feel like, if God doesn't want me to sin, and I don't want to sin, why do I keep sinning? Why can't I just be the person He wants me to be? It frustrates me...it frustrates me and it just fuels my self-hatred.

Anyway...I'm going to stop writing now because I'd just be repeating myself and well, yeah. Like I said, I just don't feel like prayer even works...so I don't know.

[Syreth]

I can understand your attitude about struggling with sin. You feel like you don't want to do it, yet you keep doing it... in fact you think you hate yourself for it and all. However, the fact of the matter is that we all have control of our actions. Sin is appealing and our very nature actually does want to do it. Read Romans 7:15 through chapter 8. It's impossible for us to conquer sin apart from the power of God, but we have to yield ourselves to the Spirit or else there is no victory. If we continue in sin, it's because we choose to, and if we choose to, it's because we want to. Submitting to God is a choice and you have to bear up under temptation to make it. It's easier said than done. I'll pray for you.

[gogogoh3]

I have three words for you "God is Love" that's it that all I am going to say.

ps pm me if you want =)

[Mave]

Eh, Kae, God doesn't need to explain why He loves us. He just does.

The Good News is He's here to help you battle your sins. You have to remember "battle" doesn't always mean you'll win but rather, it's a continuous process of making you whom God intended you to be. The most important thing is keep pushing forward.

As for those unanswered prayers, it's mostly a matter of God's timing. If praying was so easy and everyone saw an impact straight away, everyone would be doing it. I've been praying for my friends' salvation for many years and wondered whether God ever do something. I'm prepared for the possibility that they might only believe 30-40 years later. But it's great that you're praying for your friends because if we don't pray for those around us, who else will?

Your confidence shouldn't based on what you believe you can do but rather, based on what confidence God has in you. He knows what you can do and therefore, He places you wherever you are because no one else can take that place. Take a gulp, give it your best shot each time and continue the fight to fulfill your role.

Will pray for you, so do your best to encourage us as well!

[Mithrandir]

*gets the CTS braces out*

I'm glad you're honest enough with yourself to admit what's bothering you. You're way ahead of most people in that respect. It sounds to me like you're going through a period of defining acceptance. You've reached that wonderful point in growing up where you begin to realize your own faults for what they really are - hurdles you cannot overcome until you truely accept them. Not just accept that you HAVE them - accept that God wants you, along with them. The real you. The honest-about-how-pitiful-you-really-are you. When you get to the point you can truely accept yourself, then and only then will you be able to grow past it. The suffering that goes along with realzing your true place in the world is one of the worst pains you'll ever go through; keep it up, you can do it!

I won't tell you God loves you, yadda yadda. That's just what you've always been told. You already know that he exists outside of time and because of that, he forgave you 'after' ALL your sins (not just the ones you've already commited), fully cognizant of what that really meant. I will tell you about that nasty word that really pisses me off some times:

Grace. This is the one thing that separates Christianity from all other religions. The idea that - no matter what you could ever do - you are SO FAR from God that nothing YOU do could get you a perceptable difference closer. So God says, "Look, I wanna hang out with you. I know you can be a real **** some times, but it's cool, you know?"

Have you ever been defensive about someone? Have you ever heard someone talk smack about someone you respect? Did you wanna jump up and just smack em? To say, "You have NO IDEA what you're saying!" When you start talking smack about yourself, that's what God says. He says, "Nate's my friend - I know him better than you do. Quit talkin' smack about him!"

I know it's kinda corney, but it's the best I can do. I hope it helped, if even just for a little bit. Things are going to be rough for you for a little bit, but we'll keep praying for you - even if you don't really believe in it at the moment.

FWIW, I really value having you around here. I really like being able to pop into the chat and see that you're there and say to myself, "Well, he might screw up some poor kids, but I think he has a good heard." And you have a pretty good sense of humor, too.

If you want, drop me a PM, or catch me in the chat sometime. I'll tell you what I was going through when I ended up where you are. It might (or might not) shock you, but at least it may help you forget about how bad your own life is for a bit.

Makin' a mess of things, but God's OK with that,
- Mith

[K. Ayato]

You said it better than I could, Mith.

He's right, Nate. Until you finally grasp that God accepts you for who you are, flaws and all, you're gonna keep being miserable. True, we all have those moments where we feel like we have to earn or live up to someone's favor, but it doesn't work that way with God. If we had to continually work to earn His favor, we'd all be in trouble.