Moving, My brain, relationships

[Bobtheduck]

I'm gonna try to condense this... Just give the basics:

1. I may be moving, and I'm really excited about this, but there have been some major roadblocks... I won't go into details, but I am praying that this gets worked out, because I really feel like I need to move onto the next stage in my life...

2. My brain... Well, I have thought for a few years that there was a chance I was clinically depressed... I get caught in these downward spirals, and just get these overwhelming feelings of despair... I'll never get married, I'll be stuck in a nothingness forever, I won't be able to see my vision come true... The thing is, because of this hopelessness, I am probably a "self-fulfiling prophecy" I finally had someone else come to me about this, and I think it's time for me to get to a psychiatrist... I am worried about the cost, as well as what negative effects the medicine may have on me, though... I've heard horror stories...

3. Relationships... Well, I'm referring to romantic ones of course... I have wanted desperately to get married for a long time. That desire has only grown. I have asked God to take it away until I'm ready, I've tried to take it away myself... I've tried to distract myself with anything and everything I could think of and havent' had much sucess... Um, I will leave a couple details out of this, but... Hmm, what can I say? Something has happened that could either be a major step forward or backward, depending on what develops out of it... I want to think forward because I believe something will continue to develop out of it. I know that I have to treat this cautiously, however... I don't want to be hurt or hurt the other person... I believe with this case that something can develop out of it, but it will take a lot on both our parts because there are some major things that need to be worked out first...

That's where I am... The last bit was particularly vague, but I hope it was clear enough for prayer... Thank you...

EDIT:

*sigh*

Maybe my issues are sorta minor now compared to some of the things that are happening... They sure don't feel minor to me...

[Mave]

Bob my friend, I'll pray for you. *pats back* Life is tough and we are all called to bear its burden. No problem in life can be considered minor. Let's us all call on our Lord and do our best to surrender all to Him.

If you could pls say the same type of prayer on my behalf...well kinda --> (uncertainty future, shaky relationship, emotional distress), I'll greatly appreciate it.
Thanks!

[Mangafanatic]

Of course I'll pray for you!

[dragonshimmer]

Seems like you have a bit on your plate, huh? I'll definitely pray for you.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

you're in my prayers bob!

[Ryupower]

Always remember that He's your conforter!

Here's a little prayer you can always say to G-d yourself:
" LORD, if theis is not Your will, I ask that You change my desires to what YOU want them to be."

also, " LORD, help my girlfriend fullfill Your just Will. And I ask that You change her desires if she's open to it."

Of coarse I'll pray for you to.

[Bobtheduck]

Ok... Update:

1. I still feel like, with the first part, I am supposed to resign my position here at the YWAM base in Chico in less than two weeks, and I still feel like I am supposed to go to Oregon, but due to recent things, I'm trying really hard to make sure that's what I'm doing what God wants me to.

2. No update... I'm not too good right now, because I had a major shakeup.

3. I am in love with a girl. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. I felt like it was working out with us, and I still feel that way, but she doesn't feel that way now. So, the decission I have made is to lay it down. I am not going to be pursuing anyone right now. I want to leave it open for her to work out things in her own life, and maybe her perspective will change, but maybe it won't. I am not ready to lay it down right now. I am not ready to give it to God. I want to hold on as long as I can. Pray that I can give it entirely to God, even the fact of my ever being married.

On the last one, being lonely has been a catalyst for me to fall into so many traps and fall away from God a lot. Thinking I wasn't going to be lonely anymore had really gotten me back on track, but with this reversal I am afraid I will be right back into all the porn and get off my devotions and just walk further from God.

I just wanna know why all of this happens on holidays and vacations...

The future is entirely unclear right now.

[Hephzibah]

I just wanna know why all of this happens on holidays and vacations...

I've found that it's during those times that I often fall into sin alot more, and have come to the conclusion that the saying of "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" (think that's how it goes) is rather true. It is when you aren't busy doing something that tempation is the most effective. Perhaps you could find an activity that requires alot of attention, preferably away from the computer esp if you find you are tempted by porn. Some examples could be cooking, reading, learning how to draw, etc.

Anyway, I'll be praying for you matie.

[Slater]

I'll be prayin for you, m'man.

[Mave]

Ok... Update:

1. I still feel like, with the first part, I am supposed to resign my position here at the YWAM base in Chico in less than two weeks, and I still feel like I am supposed to go to Oregon, but due to recent things, I'm trying really hard to make sure that's what I'm doing what God wants me to.

Just so you know, there are times when God's Will are not clearly indicated and we need to trust that God will be with us, with no matter what decision we make, even the wrong ones.

3. I am in love with a girl. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. I felt like it was working out with us, and I still feel that way, but she doesn't feel that way now. So, the decission I have made is to lay it down. I am not going to be pursuing anyone right now. I want to leave it open for her to work out things in her own life,

It takes courage and strength to let this go but try not to worry]
On the last one, being lonely has been a catalyst for me to fall into so many traps and fall away from God a lot. Thinking I wasn't going to be lonely anymore had really gotten me back on track, but with this reversal I am afraid I will be right back into all the porn and get off my devotions and just walk further from God. [/quote]
I agree with Talame about holidays. I generally keep myself occupied with other things...(i.e. learning languages, updating my website, drawing manga, posting in CAA, chatting online, watching movies) to help keep my mind off unhealthy thoughts. You've been doing devotions, good for you! (unlike me....<.< >.>;;;; ) I shall pray that you will be refreshed and find delight in every daily devotion that you'll never wish to seek short-term worldly pleasures! Go Bob, we support you! *0*)//

The future is entirely unclear right now.

Same here, buddy. The future is always unclear (did I ever mention that I have no clue of where my location, job and relationship is going at all?) But that's Ok, God knows and He's taking care of it all for us~

"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, God is already there" - Mary Crowley

[yukinon]

I will be praying.

[dragonshimmer]

Ok... Update:

1. I still feel like, with the first part, I am supposed to resign my position here at the YWAM base in Chico in less than two weeks, and I still feel like I am supposed to go to Oregon, but due to recent things, I'm trying really hard to make sure that's what I'm doing what God wants me to.

2. No update... I'm not too good right now, because I had a major shakeup.

3. I am in love with a girl. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. I felt like it was working out with us, and I still feel that way, but she doesn't feel that way now. So, the decission I have made is to lay it down. I am not going to be pursuing anyone right now. I want to leave it open for her to work out things in her own life, and maybe her perspective will change, but maybe it won't. I am not ready to lay it down right now. I am not ready to give it to God. I want to hold on as long as I can. Pray that I can give it entirely to God, even the fact of my ever being married.

On the last one, being lonely has been a catalyst for me to fall into so many traps and fall away from God a lot. Thinking I wasn't going to be lonely anymore had really gotten me back on track, but with this reversal I am afraid I will be right back into all the porn and get off my devotions and just walk further from God.

I just wanna know why all of this happens on holidays and vacations...

The future is entirely unclear right now.

About your job...in a lot of things in my life, I often feel like I don't get clear direction from God. When that happens, I spend a lot of time with Him and in His word, and I specifically ask for direction. Sometimes, I go ahead and take a step forward. I find that if it's not where He wants you to go, He closes the door, and if it IS where He wants you to go, He actually pushes you into walking a little further.

As for your peace of mind... *hug* I'll pray for you about that.

Lastly, as far as relationships...those are so, so hard to give to God, especially when emotions are involved. I know you said that you're not ready to give it to God and that you'd rather hold onto it as long as you can...but I worry about this. You might be causing yourself more hurt and damage in the end, sweetheart. I urge you to really pray about this. It seems like you really, really care about this young woman, but if she's not the one for you, it's because God has someone even more incredible picked out. I know it's hard to really let this comfort you at times...I know, I've been there and I will probably visit that place a few more times before I finally meet the man God has in mind for me. I think sometimes we (in general) spend TOO much time focusing on romance and it becomes a stumbling block. When you feel ready to give it to God, I think you'll find that in time, your sunshine will start to come, in one way or another. As Mave stated, if you two are meant to be together, God can make it happen. He could take the seemingly impossible and make it possible. If you're not, I think God will let you know, if you are willing to listen.

As for the last part...like everyone else has said, stay busy. I've been dealing with a bit of depression and loneliness lately, and that's when my demons attack, so I've been out and doing something every single night this week to keep myself busy and to keep myself from sitting in dark thoughts.

You are in my prayers.

[Bobtheduck]

Updates:

1. Ok... I really feel like I am supposed to quit this... I'm turning in my resignation wednesday. That is a two week resignation, which will cut short my commitment... This is probably particularly hard on the base because they are losing a lot of staff, and it is rather strange, though not unheard of, to leave in the middle of a commitment. What the director told me was that "If God doesn't want you here, we don't want you here" so I am going to explain what I have been feeling and hearing, and see what they all have to say. The problem is, this place is my home. I can't go back to Azusa, I have no way to go to oregon right now, I don't have enough money to get my own appartment right now in town in chico. A studio appartment is like 450 a month, which is actually really good compared to 700+ in LA or 1200 in Orange county or San Francisco, but I don't have the money for a first month's rent yet... So, I have nowhere to go right now. The problem is, I feel like they may accept my resignation, and maybe even push me out earlier, but I won't have anywhere to go. I am still going to move forward with it, but I could use as much prayer as I can get... I am going to be looking for potential roomates at church tomorrow, so...

2. I have NO way of getting to a Psychiatrist right now... I am going to check if the counselor at the church has an MD, but if she doesn't, I am stuck as far as this goes.

3. I still love her, there is no other news, but I am much more at peace with this issue now. I really feel due to many many things that God has this in his control, now that I've given it up entirely (well, almost... There are probably a couple more points of control I'm giving up slowly...) This is actually the part of this whole ordeal that has me worried the least. Of course, I'm realizing that I was trying to speed along something that should have devoloped naturally, and that was entirely wrong on my part... I didn't trust God to allow him to take care of it...

I must say, through this mental and emotional hell that I've been through the last couple weeks, I've never been this close to God... At least not since I was a kid. I've been keeping up on my devotions, studying, meditating (in the "western" sense, of course), and I've never prayed this much in my life (and I pray a lot) God has been dealing with a lot, this has been more intense than I have ever experienced in my life. This next couple weeks will definately be a turning point in my life, regardless of what happens...

I am finishing up my LJ (friends list only, sorry...) and goign to bed now... I have to get up at 8...

[Artist4Jesus89]

ill pray i hate moving its so ... new...

[Bobtheduck]

Wow, it was only 2 days ago I posted that last one, though effectively 3 since it was so early in the morning...

1. no roomates for an appartment in town... I'm waiting to see what's going to happen. I may just go back home, which really scares me, but that may be what God has for me.
2. No way to get to a Psychiatrist now... Still... I should have access at least to that if I go home...
3. [spoiler=If you're not supposed to read this, don't read it... You should know what the warning means if it was meant for you]This is back on the top of my stress list... Today I am actually in pain due to this situation. My heart hurts, my back is in a lot of pain, I have a hard time breathing, and I have been a basketcase today in particular. This situation is causing a lot of people stress, and the person in particular who I care about the most is getting sick from it... I probably won't even have contact with her for a long time, and perhaps that is the best for her at least... This is honestly the most painfull thing I've ever gone through... Moreso than the death of a family member or any disease I've suffered or any danger I was in or anything I've lost... This all seems to be a bit too much for me to cope with right now[/spoiler]

I know I've gotten more prayer the last few weeks of my life than any other time in my life, and I hope it's been doing some good... Um... Thank you for those that have actually been praying for me.

I'm going to try to sleep...

[shooraijin]

What scares you about going back home?

[Ratrace]

Have you tried asking God for a sign (be spesific, i.e. house, money, flatmate, time period)? His plan for you is always bigger than you can imagin so don't worry about not being sure of His will for your life. Ask him to guide you and he will. Be careful of seeing a phiciatrist, find one whos a chistian if possible. Trust God with your relationships and theyll work out. By the way is this girl a christian?

[Bobtheduck]

What scares you about going back home?

I have no friends in Azusa (you may remember me trying to get ahold of CAA members in the LA area) and I spent most of my time in my room on the computer, except for when I was at the college, but even the college time was primarily empty.

Fleeces never really seem to work for me...

I don't plan on getting a whole lot of advice from the psychiatrist, Christian or not, but really just want to get diagnosed and prescribed treatment. I'm going purely for their MD side, not for their psychology.

Yes, the girl is a Christian. She has a very big heart for God, I would not pursue anyone that didn't...

[shooraijin]

Yes, I remember. Lamentably, even I'm not out much that way anymore.

[Bobtheduck]

As this is still not over, I thought I'd update

1. Ok... I was supposed to meet with the leadership team here to discuss this... It didn't happen. They met yesterday, and I wasn't there. I sorta knew that would happen, though. I knew it was going to be delayed. In the mean time, however, I have several options open up. I saw decent rent prices with no deposit here in Chico, as well as another option I am considering. I really want to pray about this and see where God leads me, but it seems more open now. I'm just waiting for replies on this.

2. I went through a really bad bout of depression the other night... Thinking about #3 so much was starting to make me lose touch with reality a bit. That was a hard night. I still haven't talked to a Psychiatrist, though. I don't know when I'll be able to, but I've heard of something called "St. John's Wart" supposedly an herbal depression treatment? I was wondering about trying that. I also put myselt into another drop tonight, not as bad as the last, but rather bad still, because I played the "Suteki da ne" scene on Final Fantasy X... Not quite as bad as it would have been if I had watched [i]Eternal Sunshine[i], but something to stir that up inside of me, and get me thinking and worrying again...

3. I emailed her, telling her I wouldn't call anymore because of what my calls did to her, but now I think that may have been a mistake... I dont' think she wanted to stop hearing from me, I mean, I know she didn't. I haven't heard back from her now, and it has been a while. She's been on, checked her e-mail, gotten all of my messages, but I havent' heard anything. This is really stressing me out at the moment... I feel like I"ve just made mistake after mistake with this situation, and I don't see the outcome at all... I don't know if I've just made things worse again... I really want to stop making things worse, and let things get better, but I don't know what to do about it...

Of course, one thing God has been dealing with me about the whole time is worry. That's exactly what's striking me right now. I know I have to stop. I do. Worry is a sin. I get confirmation after confirmation that God has my path lined out, and that he has me in his hands... I know he's going to provide for everything, both big and small, but I still get worried when I start to let my thoughts get away with me. Anyhow, I need to sleep again. Thank you for everyone who has prayed...

[shooraijin]

Yes, there is some anecdotal evidence to suggest St John's wort would work, and it would be better than nothing if you recognize you're having a problem. That said, it's still no substitute for psychiatric help, especially because even if you're unsure about the medications, many still need counseling as an adjunct.

[Bobtheduck]

Ok... I know I update in my siggie, but I feel it is necessary to elaborate...

1. My official date for leaving is Thanksgiving day... I may be back just in time for Dinner if the person taking me stays the night... Oh, and that's some good news on my leaving, I will have help moving, so I don't have to leave much behind. I am so gratefull... Having to buy pillows, a dresser, and various other things that I was willing to leave behind to keep more immediately necissary things would have been a pain, but I can take much more now that a friend (Susanne, or "Shushann", a member here, though not active) is going to help me move... I was just going to go be train before she offered. That's good... What's scaring me, though, is everything else that scared me before... No friends, living with my parents, living in a community that is rather isolationist (no one really hangs out with anyone else in my complex... Somewhat sad...) This is what I feel I am supposed to do, though... It won't be forever, of course, but I don't know how long it will be.

2. I have gone through so much anguish and such a range of emotions due to #3... Also, I have noticed that when I watch movies, I tend to either fear being accused of being like the villains/jerks in the movies, or fear that I am like them... I get dragged at times into these depressing moments, and I can't think of anything uplifting at those times... I don't know if that's clinical depression or just a hard time that I am going through, but the thing with the movies doesn't seem like depression... I hope it isn't something even worse...

I have no medical insurance and surely can't afford a Psychiatrist right now...

3. It has been a month since I stopped calling her... Almost a month since I stopped emailing... I haven't gotten any emails from her in a while, as she will only email once a month now, and I haven't sent any emails... [spoiler="Don't read if you're not supposed to"]I want to start calling her again, but I feel I'm supposed to wait until she chooses to email me again... So now, my internet times are initialized with expectations, my todays are lined with waiting and disappointment, and my tomorrows have a dim sort of hope that it will end, or at least start on the upswing, then... I still love her. That hasn't changed, though part of me has wanted to look for alternatives and several people have suggested the same thing, I know I can't do that until I know for sure that she's really not an option... And, as of now, knowing what happened the last few days I was there, knowing the way she acted and talked and looked and felt... I can't say that's true... I know there was confusion there, but I know her well... I know her very well, in some ways better than her family, and I could predict what happened a step or two in advance the whole time, so I know that there was something there, even if my feelings were complete and hers weren't... So, I can't give it up until I have peace about her being completely lost... At the same time, I can't pursue her openly either... I promised her Mom I wouldn't, though I realize now I shouldn't have done that... Most of the things her mom said about her and I were wrong. Even though she told her about our kiss, she didn't tell her other details that came into play that I know about... Of course, I don't play at knowing everything about her, but I know enough to know I don't have peace with this being completely over yet... And my parents and some others I have talked to felt the same way. When I feel that it is completely over, I will move on. Until then, what I can lose in the long run is too great. So I stay in this state of an untrustworthy no, which amounts to a maybe. A no that doesn't match the actions and words and emotions of those last three days. I find that is even worse than a maybe... I will at least feel released from this when I know it is a solid no... Whatever happens, I don't want to see her marry the kind of guys she has chased after... Guys who don't share her vision, who would play at letting her do what she was made to, but turn around in the end when their visions develop and don't take them to Japan... Don't take them into the media, or in a position where that is even possible... So, I would rather she found someone else who shared her vision than the sort of guys she ends up liking, which is basically everyone but the ones who would be compatible with her goals... She may very well be with the new guy now, and I have no right or power to stop that, but I think that the greatest blessing I could offer would be that anything she does to try to satisfy a temporary desire that would keep her from fulfilling her dreams would be quickly brought to an end... And that what works towards her achieving them would flourish. The new guy may be fine with the media thing, because that doesnt require he move anywhere in and of itself, but the Japan thing I somehow doubt, based on her history... I know her last three boyfriends had all basically been blank slates, but guys don't stay blank slates... They develop dreams and ambitions and visions... Her dreams and vision and talent are too important for them to be burried by a husband who doesn't share them[/spoiler]

Wow, that was long, dramatic, and a little psycho... Anyhow, that's how I feel, so I'm not really hiding anything anymore... Of course, I am sorta hiding it in the spoiler tags, but anyhow...

You'd think that there would be new issues for me to worry about 2 months in, but there aren't.

As an idea for #1, I think that when I get back, I'm gonna buy CAA merchandise and wear it to the chapels at APU... Maybe to Japanese Fellowship, too, and I sorta forgot about that! Japanese fellowship, if my schedule allows, is a great place to make friends, if I can just force myself to jump out there... So, that's where I am... My concerns haven't changed much in 2 months, but this is where it all lies...

EDIT: Also, thought I'd mention something that doesn't seem to fit in 1,2, or 3... Recently, every day, whether hormonally or soemthing else, the temptation to look at porn and do other things in that territory has been growing steadily... It is beginning to get to that overwhelming state it was 4 months ago... I haven't directly looked up any porn, but I'm starting to do my "curious" searches on google's image thing again, and I'm starting to try to find people who slipped through the censors on stuff like friendster, and I find myself looking very carefully at even characters in games and artwork as I look it up on the net... I didn't have that problem at all a couple weeks ago... I can't let myself get back into this state... I dont' know if that's connected with the depression, or whatever else may be going on in my head, but it's frustrating...

EDIT 2: Ok... Well, I fell... Like I said, the temptation was building... i could have escaped it by just going to bed, but I didn't...Well, I'm not gonna beat myself up over it... Not this time. I know better, though the temptation is strong.

[freerock1]

Lifting you up, bro.