Sold Out

[Madeline]

My grandma just came to visit a few weeks ago. We had a wonderful time, and I felt closer to her than ever since my grandparents' divorce months ago. She had decided to devote herself to purity and although she wanted to be married, she told me that if it was God's will for her to remain single for the rest of her life then that was okay.

Yesterday my mom called Grandma to tell her that she posted the pictures from our taekwondo testing up on the internet. Instead of a short chat, we got devastating news- she is getting back together with my grandpa again.

If you think it's heartless that I am upset about this, let me explain. First of all, he's not my real grandpa. He is my grandma's fifth or sixth husband. I've lost count. He was my grandpa my whole life, but in the course of that time he has been completely rude, mean, and selfish towards me. My mom and grandma always told me to just get over it. As a result, I've never been close to him. Of course I care about him, but I can't really...love him.

He's screwed my whole family over time and time again, and I thought we were finally rid of him. Grandma was finally earning my trust.

She filled my head with all sorts of folly, saying that we were going to be "sisters in purity". I bought it because I love her. I don't trust anyone but my family...after being betrayed so many times by other people I should have known she would stab me in the back. I just wanted her to be the type of grandma who smiles and bakes apple pies...but those types of people just don't exist. They're stereotypes, synthetic images of the imagination.

So they're getting married again, at least for now. I don't want to see her again. My mom is giving me the usual speech. "There are people in worse positions than you, at least your grandma loves you, blah blah blah..."
I'd rather have a grandma that didn't love me than one who sweet talks me and then turns on me.

It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I wouldn't have found out that she and my grandpa spent the night. So much for her whole "sisters in purity" crap. No wonder they're getting back together.

I don't want to hate them, because I know what hate does to me. It consumes me with thoughts of murder and revenge, it steals my sleep.

I mourn because I know that I will never trust either of them...

Please pray that God will help me to deal with this. I don't want to turn into the person that I was a few years ago...I thought I was different but I guess I haven't changed. I still want them to pay for this. "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord"...I think that's turning into my life verse.

Maybe this whole thing isn't so bad. For the last few days I've tried not to let violence and hatred rule my life. I strive to have a gentle, healing spirit. I guess this is my first trial as a "gentlemadeline", lol.

I'm still angry. -__-

[SorasOathkeeper]

I'll be praying for you and your family.

[GhostontheNet]

If you think it's heartless that I am upset about this, let me explain. First of all, he's not my real grandpa. He is my grandma's fifth or sixth husband. I've lost count. He was my grandpa my whole life, but in the course of that time he has been completely rude, mean, and selfish towards me. My mom and grandma always told me to just get over it. As a result, I've never been close to him. Of course I care about him, but I can't really...love him.

And if any of the venom you hold towards him reflects in your dealings with him, its little suprise he acts as such, or he sees it as necessary to deal with you as such, or there's more to the story than you know.

She filled my head with all sorts of folly, saying that we were going to be "sisters in purity". I bought it because I love her. I don't trust anyone but my family...after being betrayed so many times by other people I should have known she would stab me in the back. I just wanted her to be the type of grandma who smiles and bakes apple pies...but those types of people just don't exist. They're stereotypes, synthetic images of the imagination.

So they're getting married again, at least for now. I don't want to see her again. My mom is giving me the usual speech. "There are people in worse positions than you, at least your grandma loves you, blah blah blah..."
I'd rather have a grandma that didn't love me than one who sweet talks me and then turns on me.

It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I wouldn't have found out that she and my grandpa spent the night. So much for her whole "sisters in purity" crap. No wonder they're getting back together.

You don't have to take it as a personal act of betrayal. It's doubtful she just woke up one day and said she would decide to cause you pain by betrayal because it's very fun to cause agonizing betrayals from time to time. No, I think she came to believe that she still was in love with him, for better or worse, come what may.

I don't want to hate them, because I know what hate does to me. It consumes me with thoughts of murder and revenge, it steals my sleep.

I mourn because I know that I will never trust either of them...

That is your choice, although a poor one for even if you don't like him, it's unlikely they will conspire to slit your throat when you visit. If he's caused harm, your family can cut the lines by which he could do more.

Please pray that God will help me to deal with this.

Yes, indeed.

[Madeline]

And if any of the venom you hold towards him reflects in your dealings with him, its little suprise he acts as such, or he sees it as necessary to deal with you as such, or there's more to the story than you know.

You don't have to take it as a personal act of betrayal. It's doubtful she just woke up one day and said she would decide to cause you pain by betrayal because it's very fun to cause agonizing betrayals from time to time. No, I think she came to believe that she still was in love with him, for better or worse, come what may.

That is your choice, although a poor one for even if you don't like him, it's unlikely they will conspire to slit your throat when you visit. If he's caused harm, your family can cut the lines by which he could do more.

Yes, indeed.

I don't think you understand. I've always treated my grandparents with respect. For thirteen years I have been told to put up with verbal and physical abuse and I'm tired of it. My family will not cut the ties with this man and I'm not in control of that. My grandma says that what I think doesn't matter and she should be able to run her own life the way she wants to. She doesn't realize how much her decisions affect me.

I could really use some support and prayer instead of having an accusing finger pointed at me...maybe you're right and this is all my fault but in addition to all the things going on in my life right now I can't handle what you're saying.

God says that He'll never give me a greater burden than I can carry. I'm trying to hold on and believe that right now even though it hurts. I don't ask you to agree with me, I just need someone to care enough to pray.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thank you.

[true_noir_chloe]

I guess this is my first trial as a "gentlemadeline", lol.

lol - "gentlemadeline" - that was pretty funny.

Anyway, the anger and hate is not very funny. T_T I think I understand how you feel, believe it or not.

I will just say I'm praying for you, Maddie. I always pray for you. *HUG*

If you want to vent feel free to pm or IM me. I'm always on YIM. If you only have AIM - well, pm me and I'll turn on my AIM.

[GhostontheNet]

I don't think you understand. I've always treated my grandparents with respect. For thirteen years I have been told to put up with verbal and physical abuse and I'm tired of it.

See option #3]My family will not cut the ties with this man and I'm not in control of that.[/QUOTE] Maybe not, but that's not what I meant. Having had my family deal with one aunt who has been the general drug addict, and all manner of other vices, now and again doing something truly harmful to members, that far before the beginning of events one has the choice of whether they will trust them if in instances that they can make it backfire. For example, when my grandma was going through chemotherapy, my aunt was given the opportunity to lodge with my grandma and in return keep a watch after her in such a fragile time. However, after a time my aunt abandoned her, though leaving her canines too, leaving the watching to whatever my mom could do having to drive over a fair distance frequently - but, it was her choice to entrust my aunt in that way. Since then mom still maintains contact with her, and invites her to occasions, but never relies on her in any way.

My grandma says that what I think doesn't matter and she should be able to run her own life the way she wants to. She doesn't realize how much her decisions affect me.

Is that a quote? If so what did you say to evoke such a reply?

I could really use some support and prayer instead of having an accusing finger pointed at me...maybe you're right and this is all my fault but in addition to all the things going on in my life right now I can't handle what you're saying.

I was saying its a matter of your perception, my highly multi-disabled brother is something of an example of this. It would have been possible to curse YHWH for him being like he is, or other innapropriate reactions whether enacted or not, but instead I see him for what he is - one of the greatest blessings in my life and that of others, and one who leads a more joyful life than many fully-functional people. If my speech was harsh, it is a reflection of my general protocol when dealing with emotions that serve me no good at all, I attack them at the source. For example, when I developed an unhealthy loathing for a girl in Japanese class who is far more fluent than I or anyone in the class, always asking the instructor questions about the lesson using Japanese, getting Japanese in response, and replying back again in Japanese, and at a greater speed than I can compute. It was then that I exposed that I had put in much less effort into the class than I should have, and that I knew she put in much greater total effort to achieve that, and I instead channeled that energy into hoping the fluency she has attained serves her well as she continues to learn it, to become quite proficient.

God says that He'll never give me a greater burden than I can carry. I'm trying to hold on and believe that right now even though it hurts. I don't ask you to agree with me, I just need someone to care enough to pray. Thank you.

I already did from the first.

[Madeline]

lol - "gentlemadeline" - that was pretty funny.

Anyway, the anger and hate is not very funny. T_T I think I understand how you feel, believe it or not.

I will just say I'm praying for you, Maddie. I always pray for you. *HUG*

If you want to vent feel free to pm or IM me. I'm always on YIM. If you only have AIM - well, pm me and I'll turn on my AIM.

I already did from the first.

Thank you! *hugs* I don't have any IM whatsoever on my computer but I'll definitely send you a PM if I need to talk. I am working on my bio for SAT too, I just haven't gotten around to it lately...

Oh no, it's 10:30 AM! XP I've got to get started on my BST class.

Once again, thank you everyone for your prayers. ^_^

[holysoldier5000]

I just wrote this for another person but I thought you might could use it as well...

Horrible things like this can happen and sometimes we ask “How could God let this happen? Is there no justice?â€

[holysoldier5000]

"Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord"...I think that's turning into my life verse.

I think you might want to try having these verses as your life verse instead...

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Matthew 5:43-45

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:26-28

[Doubleshadow]

I'll pray for your family. I can see why that would cut so deep. I would react the same why whether I wanted to or not.