I have a problem with an ended friendship...

[dragonsleeping]

I got permission from Ashley to write about this:

This will be a little long so...just warning you.

A while back, a "friend" of mine made some drastic changes in their life. And, at the end of it...I wasn't part of their life anymore. It has really hurt me and for some reason, I haven't been able to just forget.

Now, before anyone says that's just what you should do is forget, I have tried. I just try to push them out of my mind. But, it ends up that I still feel hurt and sad and all those really great feelings of being left and forgotten.

Many, many times I tried to contact them, call, email and others. The only thing they would respond to was the emails and such and when they did, they were the most horrible responses. Mean, and uncaring. Saying that I had been one of the worst friends in the world basically. Just to put this in perspective a little, this person was my only friend where I live. Almost anything I did for "fun" included them. I even went to their home 2 or 3 times, trying to make things better and see if they were alright because I was scared for them, and knew they were home and they would just let me stand at the door and never answer.

So, finally I lost my temper and was mean right back. In one of the few emails they sent, they told me that I wasn't there for them. That I was always trying to tell them to do the opposite of what they were wanting to do(in the last few weeks of our friendship). What I was trying to do was advise them to not rush into doing something they might regret, I told that to their face, on the email and everything else. But, they only heard what they wanted to hear. And, I thought it was over, but I started feeling guilty and I didn't want things to end the way they did.

So, I contacted them and they spoke with me. I actually got to see them face to face and they said that they were sorry and wanted to try and be friends again. I also apologized for things I had finally said as well. So, I let the hurt feelings go and am willing to try again and start over. We actually went out to dinner once a couple of days after the apologies.

But, after that, nothing... No calls, no emails, no nothing. Like that fixed everything. The reason I guess, in the end, why I am upset still is that they said they wanted to be friends, they told me they were sorry, that they missed me as a friend and wanted to start over.

Now, I will say that I do not think I tried to contact them after going out to eat. I honestly felt and feel, after the way they treated me, that they were going to have to try to be a friend, it wasn't up to me...because honestly if I was the only one trying, then what's the point?

And, I guess that's what I should tell myself. They obviously don't want to be friends, so why even bother? Just move on. But...their's always that but....

I don't know what to do.... I guess the worst thing is feeling like I don't matter. How could they have just turned their back on me, was I that worthless to them? I know I am not worth much, but I was one of their only friends as well. One of the only ones that they could call at 3am, would go with them places and try my best to make sure they were alright.

I know basically I should forget about everything. If they don't care, or at least, if they don't care enough to do anything about it, then I shouldn't bother either.

I guess what I am asking of everyone, is what advice would you give about the situation? Am I just being petty? Do I have cause to be upset? If anything is unclear I will try and straighten things out.
-DragonSleeping

[Ssjjvash]

Hey, wow, I know how you feel. A very similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago. Now, I have not forgotten it; I probably never will because of the effect it had on my life. I don't think you necessarily need to forget, but forgive.
Do you have a right to be upset? Well, perhaps in the beginning, but don't stay upset.

Make sure you don't hold a grudge against this person.
And every time you think about what happened, or what this person did to you and you feel yourself starting to get upset, just remind yourself that you've forgiven them.

If you still want to try and be friends with them, then you should pray for them; for a turn around.
Hope this helps you. Be blessed.

[dragonsleeping]

Thank you for your advice, Ssjjvash. I feel like I have forgiven them, I meant it when I told them that. I guess, like you said, I will never forget. I will just have to stop dwelling on it so.

[steelbeliever]

hey don't feel bad, i have lots of instances when i feel the same...its good you tried to be there friend and that you were trying to make amends but being mean to them is not the answer either. you have shown them the power of God's returning love even if you faltered a bit and they still have not turned. don't worry, God will guide you and show you what to do and remember: you are never unimportant. as an aunt of ten little kids who all sometimes feel worthless I can tell you its not true. you are a wonderful person made in God's image. tell yourself that every morning if you have to. i personally wake up and look at myself in the mirror and say smile God loves you every morning because that always starts me off on the right foot. Its alright to try and make contact with them and its ok to let them go to. don't take this the wrong way but you just might not have been right for each other so to speak. keep going, God has the answer waiting for you. sometimes when you try and take things into your own hands and everything falls apart, that is where God wants you most so he can take control again. Let God do the work and see how things go. i'll pray for ya in the mean time. don't give up girl!

[Tsuki]

dust the sand from your feet and move on.
I guess you don't want to really forget at all. Infact (I know this is hard) be thankful that it happened to you....I guess i don't know really why yet but I heard that we all must be thankful for the good and bad things that happen to us.

[dragonsleeping]

I appreciate the advice. And, I have done some thinking and have learned a few things in the last few days. I feel a lot better.

I agree Tsuki, with your statement about things happening. If things had not happened in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Which, even though I sometimes get behind and get knocked down, I am proud of the person I have turned out to be.

I thank you for your sentiments Steelbeliever. I believe you are right about the letting go. I knew and know I needed to do that anyways, I guess I just wasn't willing to.

But, I think I am going to start getting over everything with the things that have come to light the last few days. I don't feel guilty over things because I now know it wasn't all my fault.

Thank you again for all your thoughts.
-DragonSleeping

[Ashley]

Something that might help you as well is something God has been placing on ME a lot:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" - Galatians 1:10

First off, are you defining your self-worth based on your friend's estimation of you, instead of God's? If so, you're on dangerous ground. I'm not trying to condemn you here, but I know when I start caring more about what others think of me than what God does, I start worshipping THEM instead of my beloved Savior who died for me while I was still His enemy.

God has created us as social beings desiring friendship and companionship, yes, but He doesn't want us to feed off these earthly relationships that will inevitably hurt us. He wants us to seek comfort, solace, and worth ONLY in His eyes.

I hope this will be of comfort to you. My prayer for you today is that you will seek God and His approval first; when you do, He has promised us love, peace, and comfort beyond words. I'm praying that I will seek Him first too.

[dragonsleeping]

You are right Ashley. I was so bogged down in all this I was having a hard time moving on with my life. I was feeling so low, so betrayed that I lost sight of what was important.

For a while, before all this happened I didn't feel worthy of a lot of things. I hadn't been to church in ages. And, I didn't feel like I deserved to step into one. Even though I was down before, I was comforted by the knowledge that I felt like I had a few people who cared about me. Then after all that happened. I was devistated. It hurt so much. I was just floundering.

Finally one day I told my fiancee' that I needed to go to church. We went, and it was a relevant sermon. The next week I went again, again another relevant. Then I went for a third time, and during one of the Hymns, things were just hitting me on so many levels and all of sudden, I felt alright. Like I had someone looking out for me. I started crying during church. My fiance' was right there loving me, and things in my life, some of them anyways clicked into place.

And, you are right as well about the comfort I feel. I am not saying that I don't worry still, because I am a worrywart. But, I feel a comfort and peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I don't get upset as much, and my relationship with my parents and fiance' and other old and new friends have improved greatly.

Thank you for your advice and thoughts, Ashley. And, thank you for allowing me to write on this subject. It has helped me in many ways, and I appreciate that. I needed to get all these feelings, past and present, out.
-DragonSleeping

[Ashley]

Great to hear God is restoring your life, DragonSleeping. Isn't He wonderful? God makes all things new; old things pass away, new ones come forth!

So much of what you said really hits with me too. Like, when I was a senior in high school I stopped going to youth for a while...but then, I began visiting again (funny story, actually XD) and before you knew it, I was a youth leader. It's amazing how God consistantly brings exactly the right sermon for exactly the right time in your life.

Oh man, I rarely feel worthy of any of the grace or love that has been poured out for me. I remember praying, "Lord I am not even worthy to whisper your name!" But oh, how much God loves us! We are so beautiful to Him, that no cost was too great for Him.

And I'm a convicted, guilty, and shamefully mostly unrepentant worrywart myself. I'm trying so hard to give it up. It's hard; it's against my nature to not worry about things, but God is asking me to let go. So I feel your pain...just rejoice in the comfort and peace you have right now, and continue to listen to God's voice. If you ever want to talk or anything, please feel free to PM me and I'd love to keep talking with you. ^^

And you're very welcome--CAA is supposed to be a place where we can surround one another in love and help one another. When I hear someone is blessed by the people God has brought here, it makes my heart swell with joy. So praise be to God for the joy of our salvation! He is worthy of all praise and glory and honor, forever and ever.

[the_lizardqueen]

I've never officially ended a friendship, although I have drifted away from friends in the past. I'm still troubled by the friendships that have faded, but I can't imagine how it would feel to go through what you've described. I'm afraid I can't really add much to what the others have said and the wisdom that Ashley has expressed. But if it helps at all, I'm praying for you and I'm sure that many other people on the CAA are keeping you in mind as well. It sounds like you've already made significant progress towards moving past the situation towards forgiveness.

Take care and God Bless!

[agasfas]

I can somewhat relate. I have had a few friends in the past that after being close, just got further away from each other. Sometimes people grow up and decide that they want to change or go another dirrection in life. Life is full of change. Sometimes even the closest of friendships will go distant. But to be honest, I would have to agree, it's pointless to put all the effort in the friendship and get no support in return. Like 95% of the people I were friends w/ in highschool, I don't even talk to anymore. But I'm okay with that, I would rather have 2-3 really close friends that I can trust my life to, then a lot of mediocre friends.

I hope things work out, but if it doesn't try not worry yourself too much. Sometimes others just feel they need to start a new and there isn't really much we can do. But we all change too. Change is a hard thing in life to accept, but it's a huge part that we can't escape.

Let her know that you'll always be there if/when she comes around. Though sometimes, we may have already moved on in our lives by then too.

[dragonsleeping]

Thank you for your kind words Lizard Queen.

And, I agree with you too Agasfas Things do change. There's a quote in there somewhere...but I can't remember it clearly enough to state it

But, again. Thank you for all your kinds words and thoughts.