I wish it was all over with....

[Angel Mitsuki]

Like the title says, I just wish it was all over with. I just want to die and go to Heaven, I don't want to be in this pain anymore. Lately my life has gotten so bad I can't even smile like I use to. I can't do anything anymore because all I ever do is worry and think....

Some of you may remember me posting two threads sometime back (I have two accounts so you know). In the first I told how I overcame being a Yaoi Fangirl and how I got rid of all the "evil" anime in my home because I knew it was wrong. In the second I told you how I feel like I'm losing my faith...and for the most part I'm ok with the Yaoi stuff, I haven't supported it at all anymore. For so long I was happy....

Then like I said, I felt like I was losing faith. I don't know why, I don't know how, but It just feels like my life is falling apart anymore. Before I was so happy, I had a wonderful life. I'm not super beautiful, but I think I look nice, I have wonderful parents, a great boyfriend, pets, I'm smart, and I can't think of anyone who really makes me mad or anyone who hates me. To perfectly honest, I was pretty content with the world...but now I just feel like I can't smile.

For a moment I went into a slump. I felt like I lost complete faith and totally freaked out. All I ever did was sit at home (yes, I missed lots of school) and cry and pray, cry and pray....I just remember shaking so badly and feeling like I believed one moment, and the next like I didn't. It was like God had been holding my hand the whole time, then one day a bunch of ppl start pushing past us and I couldn't hold on....like I let go and in doing so, I lost it all. But it cleared up. The clouds seemed to open up and I was happy once again...then I went back to school and the last glimmer of light within me blackened out.

Now here I am. I wish I was never made. I'm so unworthy of this world....I know if I don't believe in God I won't go to Heaven and I don't want it that way! As I write this post I'm even crying because I want to go to Heaven! I don't want to go to Hell...Hell is my worst fear...Heaven is my goal in life! I know some may say "I want to be this when I'm older! ^^" But my goal is to make it to Heaven....because your only on Earth for so long....but I can't do anything anymore.

For some reason I feel like God doesn't exsist at times....and I hate it. I know I could just say "Oh well, God doesn't exsist!" and go on without worrying, but I refuse to. I will NEVER say I don't believe, I will never do it. I promised to God and myself, I will never lose faith in him. Even if my faith broke down so badly, if someone asked me if I believed, I would say yes, because I do. I believe in God, and I believe his son Jesus Christ died at the cross to forgive me and everyone else of our sins...that is what I believe.

Even if I was put in a deadly situation, like that girl at that school with the shootings. I don't know if you remember, but the boy asked her if her she believed in God and held a gun to her head. She replied yes and he shot her. If asked that question with a gun to my head, I even know I would say yes, I will never say no but even still I...I feel like I've lost it. I don't want to lose faith!

I'm so afraid of going to Hell. All I can do is sit here and pray to God to take away my worries. I keep saying "God, if there is anything preventing me from going to Heaven, please take it away so I can go! Please forgive for doubting! Please give me faith in you and strength from you!" But I just can't get better. I want my life to be happy again...

I want to go on believeing....I want to believe and smile once again....

[sonichiro]

i honestly and truly know how you feel. i often find myself thinking about rachel joy scotts murder, and i know i wouldve said yes as well. sometimes i question, but i wont let myself stop beleiving. my ultimate goal is to go to heavan as well, i used to cry allot and ask God to let me die so that i could take my place with him. i used to feel dead, and sometimes i still do, but God is revealing himself to me more and more. ask for a sign, and truly beleive that he will give you one. God has been giving me so many signs lately that can be as simple as hearing a certain song on the radio, its his reminder that hes there and listening. hell show you too, if you ask and beleive, truly beleive he will give you something. dont let the darkness surround you anylonger. it is time for you to stand strong in the blood of christ and become a soldier for him! this is going to pass in the Name of Christ. we take authority over this depression and darkness by the Blood that was shed on Calvary's Cross. stand in the Lord and let Him be your strong hold. God bless you and keep you.

[Mangafanatic]

Angel, sweetie, I think you need to tell your parents that you want to see a pastor or a counselor. There are sometimes problems and insecurities that you can't overcome on your own. If these fears are bringing you to a despair that causes you to feel suicidal, it's time to get help. Please, do that.

We all love and support you. Don't give up. You've got much too much to live for.

[Angel Mitsuki]

Angel, sweetie, I think you need to tell your parents that you want to see a pastor or a counselor. There are sometimes problems and insecurities that you can't overcome on your own. If these fears are bringing you to a despair that causes you to feel suicidal, it's time to get help. Please, do that.

We all love and support you. Don't give up. You've got much too much to live for.

Suicide? Oh trust me, I would never kill myself. That's something I'm never doing. I just meant I pray to God that he'd let me die...I wouldn't ever take my life though cuz I just...won't. It's wrong and I won't do it. But as for the pastor? We have...in fact, I asked him to let me get baptised again because I just want God to know I still believe and I don't want to lose my faith...if that makes sense....

[true_noir_chloe]

I will pray for you right now. ^_________^ *hug* Doubt is very common at your age. It's ok to doubt. I know and you know there is only one way to Heaven and that is through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Believe Him. Believe He saved you. But more importantly, believe that He loved you so much that He died for you.

He didn't die on the cross simply to get you passage into Heaven either. It is the most important reason, but He came and became a man because He wanted to know you - a human being. He truly loves His children - His creation.

There will never be a greater love than this, that He gave His life for you. He gave His last breath and His entire Lordship for you.

I know you will have days of doubt. We all do to some extent. But, the greatest hurt would be to leave this life, one that is so precious to Him. He wants to see you grow and prosper - not financially or materialistically - but truly prosper in His grace. To see the day when you will swim in His love and be completely immersed by His mercy. The day when you will confidently know He is with you 24/7 and always holding you close.

He longs for the day when you are 20, 30, 40 and older, to lie in His presence and know Who He truly is.

Please don't quit now. This is only the beginning. You only know the basics of salvation, there is so much more to learn in His Word. Believe me, this 27-year-old babe in Christ in a 43-year-old body, that one day you will smile larger than ever in His manifest love for you.

Please, rest in Him and all His hope that awaits, just as the disciple John as an old man knew on the island of Patmos. There is so much more.

I know you are greatly loved by my Savior. ^_________^

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Angel, I've felt like I'm not going to Heaven before and it is a horrible feeling.
I was brought up as a Christian and my parents were fairly strict. It is only recently that I became more solid in my faith and knew in my *heart* what I had been taught all along. It is Jesus who died and rose to save us from damnation. Our faith can get stale at times (especially if you've been a Christian all your life and sort of taken it all for granted - not on purpose even). Jesus completes the gap between us and God. No works of our own can get us to heaven. Its a gift from Jesus, you just need to believe in him and the sacrifice he went through for everyone.

Other than this issue life sounds like its pretty good and I can't say I understand why you feel these things at a positive time in your life (as I was in the dumps when I felt this way). But I believe that faith is a long journey and we grow as we overcome the many obstacles in our way and come into a closer relationship with Jesus because of it.

Don't kill yourself. I go to a thing run by some people from my church called "Healing to Wholeness" and it involves three people praying for you and asking God what needs to be done to help you in your walk. If you have a ministry like that in your area, or at least some very close friends you can pray with and work issues out that would help immensly.

We aren't meant to live life alone, God made us reliant on him and that's why we really stuff up when we are full of pride and think we can do it on our own. Hand the steering wheel to God, let him drive you through life. It won't be easy, but you'll feel much better when the Creator is at your side.

I pray that you feel God's presence once again in you life!

[agasfas]

I'm not super beautiful, but I think I look nice, I have wonderful parents, a great boyfriend, pets, I'm smart, and I can't think of anyone who really makes me mad or anyone who hates me. To perfectly honest, I was pretty content with the world...but now I just feel like I can't smile....
Now here I am. I wish I was never made. I'm so unworthy of this world....

Seems to me you have it made and life doesn't really kick you when you're down. I remember your two threads a few weeks ago and I understand. Just remember questioning is much better then just believing blindly. My advice is to sit down and perhaps write down your reasons why you have started to question God's existance then seek the answer. Anyone can say, "oh, just have faith and you'll be fine." Well that's not entirely true. To believe in something blindly doesn't help answer any questions, which will more time then any leaves more doubt and confusion. Don't be afraid to do some searching, sometimes the answers we seeks don't spontaneously fling itself into our laps- it sometimes requires more effort on our parts.


Another advice i can try giving is to just smile even if you don't feel like it. What I believe is making you more depressed is focusing too much on one negative aspect; having the depression feed of itself... Depression will only form more depression. Try focusing on some of your positive aspects, some of which you listed: smart, having a boyfriend, nice parents etc... May seem small, but even cracks can spread and become huge.

Though, as I suggested I would really recommend creating a list of reasons or questions of why you are doubting His existence.
For example:
Are there certain things you have trouble understanding?
Do you doubt His existence because you can't see him?
etc....

If you wanted, some help, feel free to post some of your questions (of why you are doubting)... It may help give the members a bit more insight about your situation, and it may help us to answer some of your questions or give better advice. Though it's totally up to you.

Anways, I will contiue to pray for you. Just remember, Jesus wants us to pray not only for ourselves, but others as well. Continue to leave your heart open for others, and I have no doubt that God will do some work in your life.

As always, feel free to PM me if you wish. I'm always willing to help the best I can.
Take Care.

[Angel Mitsuki]

After reading what you all said, I do feel a little better I guess...I'm still suffering though. I know if you have problems you can't handle, your suppose to give them to God. Have him take care of them. But even when I do....I still feel horrible.

I guess the main reason I feel like I'm doubting is because I will sit in my room and just look at the ceiling and get this empty feeling...I don't know how to describe it though. It's very creepy and cold, and it feels like he just doesn't exsist. Like I'm just fooling myself or something, but as soon as it happens I just freak out and start repeating to myself that I believe in him....

I really wish you all could help, but I do have problems being positive. I especially have problems when people really don't take into account that I'm an obsessive complusive, hence, I just sit and think...and think....and think until I eat away at myself. I have medicine I take for it, but this isn't like other subjects. It's not like school where I can just go "Ah well, I'll get through it, blah blah blah." Like I said...I know...if you don't believe, you don't go to Heaven. I don't want to just not care though. My mom's friends with a guy who use to believe, but now he went bitter. He doesn't believe because his wife died....I don't want to be that way.

[Heart of Sword]

You can PM me anytime and we'll talk about it. What you're probably going through is a "spiritual desert". It's happened to me before, too...I felt just like you do. It's really Satan. He's trying to take you down. Remember, "he prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." Looks like he's on the hunt for you.

I was so terrified when it happened to me that I was sobbing and basically throwing myself around the room in complete agony. It was awful. I was crying out to God and begging Him to help me and eventually I got out of the "desert". It's when Satan drags your heart to a place where he thinks he has a good chance of getting a hold on you.

Using the lion analogy again. Lions will tackle their prey when the prey is vulnerable. They will wait for the opportunity to attack. On slip-up, one weakness, is all the lion needs to make the kill.

Please LORD, help Angel Mitsuki. Help her to realize that she belongs to You and can overcome Satan. LORD, please carry her through these hard times and help her to realize that You will never leave her or forsake her. Amen.

[mai]

I'll keep you in my prayers but it might be a good idea to see a counselor [a Christian if possible] personally I think counseling should be a part of everyone’s life. Just remember that even if you feel far away from God He is not far from you and everything in life can teach us things and make us stronger, and God has a wonderful plan for you weather that involves dying or not only He knows.

[Rogie]

I can't add much to what others have said, but I do want you to know that I am praying and I do hope that things will improve.

[the_lizardqueen]

I know how ya feel Rogie-san, I wish I was better with the words of encouragement and that I had more to add..

I will definitely keep you in my prayers Angel. At the present, I've never really gone through a truly difficult time, but I have struggled with doubt in God's existance and doubt in my own salvation. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that the main reason I stuck with Christianity through the teen years was due to fear of hell. Spent my late childhood worrying that if I messed up even once, I'd be heading off to hell if I died. Now I mostly worry for my family and friends though, I don't know when the shift in thinking happened, but it did. I now feel that I can trust in Christ for my salvation..

As for the doubt in God's existance, all I usually have to do is think of the sheer span of the universe. How does it go on forever? When did it start? How could there be nothingness prior to it's birth? I usually end up seriously confusing myself. It's not much, but it helps me to feel a wee bit better and I start to realize that there is just as much faith involved in science and the big bang. I'll definitely be praying that you'll find the support and help that you need during this time. And I know that God will never leave you to face it alone.

[Angel Mitsuki]

Well guys, I'm starting to feel...I dunno. But I got a great story to tell! ^^

Today I went over to my grandmother's house. As it turns out, she had a brand new sewing machine to give me, and so I of course got it. However, as I turned to leave her home, I got a shocking surprise. My grandmother stopped me and suddenly said out of nowhere (we weren't even on the subject) "Don't you ever doubt the lord Rindi. There is a God, I know there is, and he works in mysterious ways." and all at once, my eyes widened and I stared at her. Meanwhile my mom just smiled a little and looked to me, wondering if I ever told her.

Did I?

No. I never told grandma about my religious problem, my mom didn't, my dad didn't, no one did....but she knew. And I believe that in a sense, that wasn't my grandmother talking to me, but God. Just the way it was said...it seemed different. She hit EXACTLY what was bugging me and just out of the full blue. It's like she had it all planned out.

Also this morning another extrodinary *spll* thing happened to me. I only got four hours of sleep, but prayed to God to at least give me the strength to get on moving and...I wasn't tired at all.

Still now I feel somewhat empty, and I really don't understand why. It bothers me because I worry it's still doubt despite all that's happened, but I can't let it get to me. In the end when asked "Do you believe?" I will say yes, and even when at the end of my rope, I will never let go. I will always pray to God and talk to him, and even if my faith is so widdled down inside, I still will never turn my back on him, I know I won't.

So in a way, am I doing better? Slightly. ^^ I wish I could figure out his odd feeling inside, and I hope it goes away, but I know it will. God's helped me so far so...I have faith he will farther.

Thanks Guys, I'll keep you updated. *huggles* ^__^

[Rogie]

That's great to hear, Angel! Praise the Lord for speaking to you and for helping you, if but a little bit at a time. I'll keep praying for you!

[White Raven]

I just wanted to say, that when you get through this (and you will get through this) I think you will be a much stronger Christian. As children of God we all need to grow up. And sometimes that takes a little Heartache.
And I will be praying for you.

[termyt]

Father,
Thank You. We love You and we live our days for You. But You know our trials, our struggles. You better than anyone knows what it is like to be human and frail. Left alone, betrayed by Your closest friends, and left to die by merciless hands.

We all have a void to fill, so much so that we will drive ourselves crazy trying to find out what fills it. Even though we know only You are big enough to fill that void, we are scared. We are frightened by the thought of being alone, facing another day in this dreary, awful place with out the hope and joy only You can bring. It's just that sometimes You are so hard to see.

Forgive us our doubts, Father. Show us Your love. We know You are there and You are reaching out to us. Show us Your face. Comfort us and dry our tears. Hold us in Your arms and teach us Your ways, Lord. Give us patience to wait on You and the courage to face the path You have laid out before us.

Thank You for the cloud of witnesses You placed before us. Thank You for grandmothers who sense what we hide and lovingly guide us back to You. Keep reaching Father, and we will keep looking. Father, show us the way.

Yours is the honor, and the glory, and the kingdom forever,
Amen

[GhostontheNet]

"Don't you ever doubt the lord Rindi. There is a God, I know there is, and he works in mysterious ways." and all at once, my eyes widened and I stared at her. Meanwhile my mom just smiled a little and looked to me, wondering if I ever told her.

Isn't the truth? I owe my conversion to Christianity, and indeed much of my faith and positive characteristics to the aftermath of a similar experience, though I already told you that story. So too, through my friend DeeDeeWarren's (admin of sister site Theology Web) has come out the better (she tells the story in appendix A of this article http://www.preteristsite.com/docs/warrenend.html , though I wish the article itself to stay out of this discussion) and has in fact been effective in battling an abominable heresy that denies the resurrection of the flesh and the future second coming of Christ.

Did I?

No. I never told grandma about my religious problem, my mom didn't, my dad didn't, no one did....but she knew. And I believe that in a sense, that wasn't my grandmother talking to me, but God. Just the way it was said...it seemed different. She hit EXACTLY what was bugging me and just out of the full blue. It's like she had it all planned out.

Isn't the wisdom some of the elderly hold in their old age impressive? If I could achieve such wisdom in my youth, I believe I would be very well off indeed. As an outsider, it sounds to me like she indeed planned for the entire occasion to climax in that sentence. As to how she knew, it seems to me to be an element of that wisdom, sadly still inperceptable in my youth.

Also this morning another extrodinary *spll* thing happened to me. I only got four hours of sleep, but prayed to God to at least give me the strength to get on moving and...I wasn't tired at all.

Still now I feel somewhat empty, and I really don't understand why. It bothers me because I worry it's still doubt despite all that's happened, but I can't let it get to me. In the end when asked "Do you believe?" I will say yes, and even when at the end of my rope, I will never let go. I will always pray to God and talk to him, and even if my faith is so widdled down inside, I still will never turn my back on him, I know I won't.

So in a way, am I doing better? Slightly. ^^ I wish I could figure out his odd feeling inside, and I hope it goes away, but I know it will. God's helped me so far so...I have faith he will farther.

Thanks Guys, I'll keep you updated. *huggles* ^__^

You would do well to note my own and Warren's experience, and certain important details of it, not least that it was only the final resolution of what nagged at us that we fully regained our faith (or in my case, gained and later regained). I recommend you read Lee Strobel's "The Case For" series ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index=blended&field-keywords=lee%252520strobel&pg=1/ref=s_b_xs_ap_pp/002-0998413-8823256 ) and the apologetic works of C.S. Lewis ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060653027/qid=1110336064/sr=8-5/ref=pd_csp_5/002-0998413-8823256?v=glance&s=books&n=507846 ), which should be a good step towards the answer.

[agasfas]

that's good to hear. God can sure work in mysterious ways; many of which we can't always comprehend. Continue to have faith and look towards God, even when it seems impossible to have faith or trust in Jesus. He always has a plan for our lives, and sometimes it doesn't always seem to add up at first. Eventually, over time it'll all come together. As always, I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
Take care.