Broken. Confused. Please pray for me in my time of need...

[Madeline]

There's a reason I haven't been on the forums lately...







My great-grandmother died this week. A whole new can of worms has been opened up in my family. It seems like everything is falling apart because of lies and deception.

I'm having a really bad issue with hate. I got over hating my mom's step-sister who broke up my family...and now that that's over, people INSIDE of my family are breaking it apart! My family history is so messed up, so a part of me pities the people in my family...the curse of abuse, drunkenness, murder, death, divorce...it seems to have broken with the last few generations, but there are still blatant issues that aren't resolved. I'm really trying to stop hating my grandpa...I've known him ever since I was born. I really thought things would work out this time. But he's not my real grandpa. I never got to see my real grandpa. I thought this guy would work as a substitute, but that's not going to happen. I never want to see him again...I just want him to get out of my life and leave whatever's left of my family alone.

And then there's this aunt. Maybe she's my great-aunt or something...I don't know. I HATE her. I wish I didn't hate her this much. But I want to kill her sometimes...I told my mom that I wished she would have died instead of my great-grandma, who I met once and didn't really know but I still loved her alot more. She's a liar and a thief and she's brain-washed my mom's uncle. He loves her, but she's so evil! I think she's trying to split me and my mom up because she's kissing up to me. I don't know what she wants...maybe she's just doing it to spite my mom. There's no material gain for her. She's like a vulture. Whenever someone dies she takes EVERYTHING. Great-grandma had my mom smuggle some pictures back to her house because she knew that they would end up at that lady's house-who isn't even a blood-relative.

I said I was sorry that I said I wished she had died instead of great-grandma...but there's a problem there. I'm not sorry. Not one bit. I know that's so wrong...I want God to give me love and pity for her but it's just so hard. She'll hug me and tell me how great I am one moment and turn around and call my mom ugly to her face. She always finds a way to hurt people as much as she can. This was NOT what my mom needed.

This isn't it. There are all kinds of things that have happened to me in the past couple of weeks. I am so tired of injustice. Now I'm lowering myself to that standard. I know it isn't right...I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't know what to feel or think anymore. I'm just moving forward. I can't cry, I can't smile, I'm battling intense hatred. I'm trying...I'm trying to believe and hold on to Jesus. I feel so numb inside. I don't really care. I want to care...but I just hate.

Please pray for me. I'm losing my mind.

Grr...I'm rambling too much. I'm sorry...

[Madeline]

Um...I don't know what to say. I think I'll just post this. Sorry for double-posting...

Maybe this pm will better express what I feel. I sent it a little while ago. I hope you don't mind me posting it, TNC...

Thank you so much for sending this pm. Alot has been going on with my family lately, and to be honest...my heart is just broken over the whole thing. I don't even know what to think. My great-grandmother died this week, and all of the old problems have surfaced...no one really got over my grandpa's death. My mom was only ten. Things aren't really getting better...it hurts to be here. I posted this really ugly thing on the prayer forum about hating one of my relatives. I think I had better go and take it off. Maybe I've gone too far revealing that much of myself on the forums.

There just doesn't seem like much to laugh about lately. I should enjoy my family more...after all, I've been a misfit all of my life and here are people who actually care that I exist! I have all sorts of cousins that like me and I'm still unhappy. I don't know what to feel anymore. Spiritually, my head is still spinning. I have no idea what God is trying to tell me and it's hard for me to listen anyway. It hurt to see my mom so distraught over her grandma's death and I didn't know what to do. I loved her, but I only met her once and I couldn't cry for her. I hadn't even known what a strong woman of God she was. I had doubted that she was even a Christian, judged her before I even knew her.

I guess I just have to move on from all of this. The more I know about my family history, the more I pity the ones who are tearing it to shreds. But pity isn't enough to quench the burning hatred I have for these people...I wish I was stronger, and resisted it. These love/hate relationships are driving me mad.

I really appreciate everything you said. It's nice to know that someone cares about me...as genuinely as may be portrayed across the internet. I like the internet. You can't hear a disapproving tone, or watch people stare at you like you came from outer space...it's just nice. All you have is what's in the words.

Yeah...sorry. T_T I'm getting side-tracked again. Not in a funny mood at all...I feel sort of like an imploding soufflee. And I probably spelled that wrong too. I just know it! *cries* But I can't think of how to spell souflee at all. I HATE SOUFLES, SOUFFLLEES, SOUFFLES, SOUFLLES!!! >O<

See! There I go, hating everything again!

God Bless,
-Madeline

[kryptech]

I'll remember you and your family in my prayers. May God hold you in His all-powerfull and fatherly hand during this storm. Things can look so messed up from down here but He sees everything from a different angle. I'm not sure what to write to try to help, but I can pray.

[true_noir_chloe]

I don't mind you posting the above at all, Maddie. I wish I could take your hurt.

*WRAPS YOU IN ANOTHER BIG HUG*

I am always praying for you and your family.

"Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."
I Cor. 1:2, II Cor. 1:2, Gal. 1:3, Eph. 1:2, Phil. 1:2, Colossians has a little more added, but still the same words, II Thess. 1:2

Well, you get the point. Why did Paul begin all his letters either with the above quote I wrote down, or some variation, basically praying the same thing?

Grace is needed for you to progress, knowing that He's handled everything of your past, and Peace is needed for you to keep moving forward in the calmness which surpasses all understanding.

Be warmed by His peace, Maddie. I'm praying for you and so are so many other people. He will not fail you in this time, because He never fails.

*HUGS* You know we can talk anytime you need. ^______^

[Rogie]

Family can do this to you, as I have seen, and it's often in families that most of the hurt swells up. I will pray for you and your family, and that God will offer you some strength and comfort during these trying times. He will do it, just keeping believing and looking Heavenward.

[Heart of Sword]

Family fights are soooooo trying...

I've thought about killing before...then later I realize, "oh my goodness O_O" because I've never even killed a bug before. I think the desire to do that might be something of the human mind as there are a lot of murderers. And the knowledge that just thinking that makes me a murderer is really troublesome. But that's only when I'm in an extreme state of rage and never prolongs for more than about a minute, so it's not like your case.

I'll pray for you...I hope this turns out alright.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

i will post this. I copy/pasted from another thread but i feel it still applies

Trust God. Everything will work out in the end. I don't mean in a month, or a year, or even like 20 years! But in the end, everything will work out.

My family and all my relatives split too. It was years back, when all our relatives came to our house. We were going to go out to eat and have fun and stuff. With my uncles, and aunts, grandmother, and cousins. But for some reason. We got in this massive fight. With me in my cousin in my room. Just sitting there, while people were arguing, crying, and stuff downstairs. It was horrible. Ever since, the adults (like my mom, uncle, grandmother) never saw each other again. It just hurts me so much that my family could not be reunited again. I used to wondered "why God, why did you do this" And im sure there was a reason, or perhaps none. But now, my mind is clear. And my heart is for God.


One time i asked God. "Why God, why am i being sent to Calvert Hall? Why Can't I go to Dulaney High? The school all my other friends are going. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO A PRIVATE SCHOOL? WHY?????"

TWO years later, i found the answer. To Reach out to those who were not saved.

One time I asked God: "God, why do I have to go to bed so early?" (when i was younger)

So I can wake up more refreshed for school

One time I asked God: "Why God, why do I have to do what I don't want to do? Why do I have to help out at my dads store? Why do I have to help my dad rebuild/fix something? Why Can't I be left alone?"

So I can learn how to do thigns in the future. Such as use a cash register

One time i asked God: "Why God, why do I have such a mean sister?"

Because i can get ready for the real world. Because the real world doesn't play fair.


We are all called to suffer. Jesus was the suffering servant. He died on the cross. But for what? For the sake of us. He suffered, and died. But what happened 3 days later? He rose from the dead. And ascended into heaven.

Revelations 2:10
"Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life."

James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

1st Peter 1:6-7
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

[Lady Arianrod]

I will pray for your family and you in particular, Madeline. I am truly sorry for what happened... May God be with you in your time of need.

You're not alone.

[termyt]

I said I was sorry that I said I wished she had died instead of great-grandma...but there's a problem there. I'm not sorry. Not one bit. I know that's so wrong...I want God to give me love and pity for her but it's just so hard. She'll hug me and tell me how great I am one moment and turn around and call my mom ugly to her face. She always finds a way to hurt people as much as she can. This was NOT what my mom needed.

That's not so wrong. Well, maybe it's a little wrong, but it is understandable. I think you may be focusing too much on past feelings. You can't change the way you fell right now and you certainly can't change the way you felt in the past. Let it go. Instead, focus on how you want to be in the future.

Please allow me to give a pointer or two since I have traveled down this road myself.

1 - Know that anger is not evil, regardless of what Yoda says. No emotion is evil, no emotion is good. Emotions are tools we use to display our reaction to events. Sometimes, anger is the right reaction (or will you say that God's anger against Sodom was not justified?)

2 - It is not wise to allow others to dictate your state of mind. This is one regard where I envy the unflappable anime females who are endlessly happy. (I'm thinking Vandread's Dita right now, or perhaps Saber Marionette J's Lime, Love Hina's Su, if you haven't seen any of these, well hopefully you get my point). It's not that they are hiding hurt feelings - they show those when it happens - but they don't let the day-to-day downers get to them. If, with even a simple gesture, someone can change your mood from happy to angry, then you have given that person too much control over your life. Why should they decide your mood instead of you?

3 - You can not change the way you feel right now, but you can change the way you will react and feel about this kind of thing in the future. The trick is that you can't just want it to happen. You must need it to happen. It may take many attempts to change your emotional reaction, but keep working at it. Know how you want to react to the situation and force your self to react that way. (It took me years to go from wanting to need to stop getting so angry at other drivers on the road. Once I realized that I needed to change for my own mental and spiritual health, it took months to change. Of course, I also got practice change a lot, other drivers constantly do things to annoy ^_^ .)

4 - Start small and go one at a time. Totally remaking your emotional make up so you will be the "perfect young lady" is just about the most difficult thing you can do. Work on changing your "knee-jerk" reactions. The reactions you have to every day, common events. This is the key to changing your reactions to big chaotic events.

You can not change your aunt, but you can change how you react to her. Don't let her rule you.

I don’t know if that makes sense or if it’s helpful, but I know you will figure it out as long as you look to God first. Take care Maddie, you’re far too important to allow something like this to dominate you.

[Madeline]

Thank you, all of you, for your support and prayers. They mean so much to me.

God bless you all for your kindness.