Can't stop crying...

[Angel Mitsuki]

Like the title says, I can't stop crying. Awhile ago I was sitting here talking to my boyfriend so happily, and...for some reason I started crying really really bad...and it all has to do with forgiveness...

You see...back when I was ten my dad had left a porn magazine out and I saw it, but since I was young and curious, I kind of looked it over...it was only a matter of time before things got bad. By the time I was about 13, I had began reading lemons, looking at hentai, and even cybered with another girl (and I honestly don't find any attraction to women). I never actually had sex with anyone in real life, I never would do that until marriage, but I did do some other stuff to myself I'm not very proud of...then one day I stopped.

I put my foot down and cried so badly, I asked God to forgive me for all of it and ever since I've stopped it all. I don't read lemons, look at hentai/porn, cyber (even with my boyfriend I won't, I tell him no or just bring something up so it won't happen) and I stopped doing stuff to myself...Over all I was so happy with my accomplishments! I had gone from a real hentai obsessed freak to pretty clean...then I got to thinking...

God got rid of the ppl in the those two cities (I can't spell them, but you know the ones I'm talking about, right?) They were the ones where the people had sex with animals and even tried to have sex with the angels God had sent there! But...it made me freak out.

When I asked God to forgive me a year ago, I MEANT IT. I meant it so much!! But...I felt like I was as bad as them. I know I'm not...I'm not that sick...but...the fact I was really messed up bugged me and now I want forgiveness again. I know I've been forgiven since I already asked God for it and REALLY REALLY meant it, but I can't stop crying and shaking. I feel like crap and I don't want to move. I want God to just forgive me so badly...I want to be a good girl like I was before it all happened...but even though I keep asking I can't feel better...I don't know what to do...

[c.t.,girl]

oh sweety! it's ok! i know just how you feel! seriously i do! and you are forgiven! it's just the devil trying to get you to believe that you aren't forgiven! he did that to me...i almost killed myself because i almost let him get to me...^_^ i'm a lot better now. the thing is you are being deceived! just as i was...i think we all get that sometimes after we accomplish something that we've done that seems just so big and hidious that we think we're the only ones to have done it! lol not true! i've done what you have...only...i went looking for it....i am ashamed of what i had done...i am still struggling with it...but...since i tried to kill myself i've only looked at it like...twice. so...i'm doing really good! ^_^ of course i am striving to never look at it again...i am fighting very hard! and..i am winning...for Him! you are forgiven...just as i am. ^_^

[Angel Mitsuki]

Thanks C.T. Girl...that helped me out a bit. I managed to stop crying, but It still bothers me. It's like, I know I'm forgiven because I meant it so much, but it's like what I did was so bad it's unforgivable...which isn't true, but it's just how it feels ya know? ><;;;;

[CephasWhite]

I totally agree with c.t.,girl.

*gives Angel a hug*

Angel Mitsuki, you are not the only one with problems, as c.t.girl just said, you do not need to worry. I also have problems and I am dealing with them right now as well. I know, it is really hard to stop doing these wrong things, but with prayer, a strong will, and a strong, loving, forgiving God, we can overcome anything the devil tries to throw at as.

[quote="angel mitsukoi"]but It still bothers me. It's like, I know I'm forgiven because I meant it so much, but it's like what I did was so bad it's unforgivable...which isn't true, but it's just how it feels ya know? ><]

Just a couple days ago, I felt just the same way you were, I could not stop shaking and I felt like crying everywhere, I was abandoning God by my own sinful actions and I felt as if he could not forgive me for what I did and they are not really fit to talk about right now, but that is not important, what is important is that I almost gave up when I finally decided to pray and it felt much better, which is what you did to. Prayers heal.

Child, there is no sin too great that God cannot forgive. God loves you so much, that is the reason He created you. You have a reason to be here, and right now, you are going through a test. This test you are going through is probably rough, but this is what God intended, so you could become stronger and resist this temptation.

God loves you Angel, I love you, c.t.girl loves you and so does everybody else here.

You can PM me if you want to have a nice chat. My door is always open.

You can also PM one of the Moderators or Administrators or anybody in this site, we are one big Christian family. You can dry those eyes child, you do not have to cry anymore.

God bless and take care of yourself,
Cephas

P.S. Take a look at my poem in my signature, maybe that can help as well.

[ShiroiHikari]

ctgirl is right, Satan likes to try to use things from your past to bring you down. if you're forgiven, YOU'RE FORGIVEN. chances are if you start hearing a little voice saying things like, "oh look what you did, you're so dirty," it is NOT God. so, just don't listen to it. take joy in the fact that you are forgiven and that no stain is too deep for God to cleanse.

whoops, posted kinda late. oh well.

[Syreth]

[quote="Angel Mitsuki"]It's like, I know I'm forgiven because I meant it so much, but it's like what I did was so bad it's unforgivable...which isn't true, but it's just how it feels ya know? ><]
Praise God that we've been forgiven in spite of all the rotten things that we have done and the rottenness that we have in our hearts! I'm definately praying for you. Don't give in to the condemnation of the enemy, but be sensitive to the convition and leading of the Holy Spirit. Listen to the still, small voice that will guide you to life and not the nagging accuser that is out to lead to into unfruitfulness. I can relate to your feelings. Just remember to look up, keep your eyes on Jesus and press on towards our heavenly finish line. Forget what is behind and move on towards what is ahead. I pray that you'll be sanctified in your deeds and in your heart by the power of the Holy Spirit.

[Angel Mitsuki]

I'm not sure what I say except...

^^ Thank you so much everyone! This morning I was still pretty shaken up inside, but as the day went on I started to cheer up and even talk a little more than I usually do (I'm pretty mute ^^; ). I've finally stopped crying and I'm not gonna let the devil win, not now, and not ever. Thank you!~ *huggles*

[CephasWhite]

It is great to know you are doing okay Angel. That is the way to do it!

HIGH FIVE!

[Rogie]

Good to hear, Angel, and I hope things continue to go well! I'll pray that you will continue to find strength in God and His forgiveness!

[jazz]

i dont' think i can add anything to what has already been said, but i also know how you feel. alot of people do. i agree with everyone else here that the enemy is just trying to make you feel guilty. don't let him. you have been forgiven, and nothing the enemy can do will ever change that, all he wants is for you to keep on sinning, to be tempted into sinning again. sometimes i start thinking about the stuff i've done, and i feel the same way, but the way we feel doesnt' effect the way God is. He never changes, if he forgave you for something, it stays that way, it's water under the bridge.

i'm praying for you. and please, if you ever want to talk, PM me or someone, there are lot's of people here who want to help you and will be praying.

[GhostontheNet]

Although evidently the problem has been resolved, I feel I should mention some more things, as I note that my own spiritual problems tend to sporadically pop up later on.

1. It was not simply sexual immorality for which Sodom and Gammorah was incinerated, but for a multitude of things. In the account of Genesis, particularly chapter 19 ( http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2019;&version=47; ), and you will find that that the incidents you mention seem symptomatic of their great wickedness. There is a distinction between viewing hentai and the like, and all the men of a town of all ages lining up for rape. Indeed, if things degenerate that far, its simply time for everybody to die, and that's all there is to it.

2. Go through the Gospels, and you will not once find an instance where Yeshua Christ sent away someone because they were too sinful, which isn't to say nobody ever told Him that their's was to great ( http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%205:8-10;&version=47; ). Also, you would do well to remember that He witnessed to prostitutes so consistently He gained a reputation for it; and are you really worse than they?

3. Remember, when all is said and done, each one of us will say, "'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" (Luke 17:10 ESV) And even that we all had done poorly.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

There was a song on the radio that I love. I do not remember how it went unfortunately. But the man keeps asking God to forgive his sins. And what does God say in reply? "What Sin? What Sin?"

you see, God forgives, and he forgets. I understand getting getting worked up for past sins. I have too, i have done things i truely have regretted. And that I still regret. But you must remember that he forgives, and forgets

im praying for ya mitsuki ^_^

[CephasWhite]

But you must remember that he forgives, and forgets

Amen to that, brother!

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Let Go, Let God. Let go of all your baggage (sin, worries) and let God have them and renew you through the Holy Spirit. Do you know the song, Grace Like Rain? I can't remember the singer but it is a beautiful song about how we are saved through God's Grace. I'll be praying for you.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

im so happy, i found the song lyrics. I feel this song DEFINATELY applies to this situation. Just read it!

What Sin? By Morgan Cryar

It happened so long ago
And I cried out for mercy back then.
I plead the blood of Jesus
Begged him to forgive my sin.
But I still can't forget it
It just won't go away.
So I wept again, "Lord wash my sin,"
But this is all He'd say,

Chorus:
What sin, what sin?
Well that's as far away as the east is from the west.
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness.

The heaviest thing you'll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood
Don't bring them up again.
Cause He'll just say,

Chorus

Lord, please deliver me from my accusing memory.
Nothing makes me weak this way, then when I hear you say,

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Hope these words encourage you!



Todd Agnew - Grace Like Rain

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

[CephasWhite]

Wow...very deep Mr. Sp, I love it I want that in my sig.

[GhostontheNet]

I think so too, indeed, if this forum had pearls like Theology Web, I would be sending you some.

[FadedOne]

aww....*hugs the angel* I know what it's like....really. I have that kind of past too. It's rather tough to deal with sometimes b/c you wonder how God can forgive the stuff that's just too disturbing and just..disgusting from our pasts. But He does, and in His own beautiful way He takes those mistakes and washes them away. And in the end you have the love and the peace and the knowledge you dont ever want to go BACK. in a twisted way, that kinda thing can be a blessing....b/c you know where you've been and that you're making progress in a better direction.

apologies if this makes little sense, i've been up for hours lol. but yes...He's with you and already forgiven you. dont let evil hold you to your fears causing you to have to keep begging forgiveness. you have it....learn to forgive yourself as well and move on. you have my thoughts/prayers

[Fsiphskilm]

When we ask Go

[Fsiphskilm]

Either way God pla

[Mave]

Hi there, I didn't get the chance to see this thread earlier.

I also gave up looking at hentai/porn/yaoi/perverted stuff a few years ago and it was one of the BEST decisions I ever made in my life. Join the club. *hug*

The fact that you've made the decision to stop has led the Heavens to rejoice! Better one soul who repents sincerely than a thousand who won't choose repentance from sins.

I'll pray that the Spirit will assure you of His forgiveness and His love. You need to accept the forgiveness in order to move forward and to make an impact for His glory. I'll also pray for protection and strength in this matter, just in case it's a daily spiritual battle for you.

[Jaltus-bot]

Angel,

I think that this is a good verse when I feel like that.

1 John 3:20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

I can guarantee you that others have done the same things. God doesn’t expect us to change what has happened. He asks only that we repent and we are forgiven and He asks us to try again to live each day truly for Him.

Chris was right in what she said. Satan wants your to believe that you are not forgiven As a Christian, you are a threat to him and he wants to neutralize you by taking your focus off God to feeling like you are not forgiven. As followers of Christ, we are not only loved more than we can imagine, but also forgiven more than we can imagine. You are justified through Christ and forgiven with great love. Nothing and no one can take that from you nor separate you from the love of Christ.

Hugs and prayer,
Joan

[Spiritsword]

I will pray.

[wiggins]

I'll pray. And, I don't know if it will help, but my youth group leader showed us a video he found on the internet. It's on http://www.gracecovenant.net/nonflashsite.htm
Go to the multimedia section, and then click on the 2004 to 2005 link under Videos. Under Fall Praise Night 2004, click on "Transformers & Body Builders - "Still Saved"" to download the video clip. It really touched me, and as the title indicates it's about God still saving us today, and everyday. It includes a really cool song by Avalon as well (sung by the church in the video) called Always have, always will. (I'm not sure if only part of the song or the whole song is in the video) Well, try watching it. I'll pray for you.