Feel like I'm losing my mind...

[Bobtheduck]

I underwent a deep depression after I found my biological family... Everything seemed empty, and I felt like a casual observer in my life rather than a participant...

I got better as time went on, and thing really got better as soon as I came back to YWAM in chico. However, in December I had a really uncomfortable meeting that was to decide if I was going to stay... The meeting freaked me out, and I went home (for break, not permanently) a few days later... Going back home really depressed me, and I did nothing for most of the time but write on my computer and watch TV...

Another layer in the complicated saga is that my allergic dermatitis struck again, as soon as I got home... I am often covered with rashes and bumps, itching and in pain when I attempt to scratch... I took benedryl to counter it, but that turns me into a zombie, accentuating my depression. It was an entirely empty existance for 2 weeks... I was eager to come back, and in a way it has helped... a little...

Hanging out with friends makes the itching tolerable, and I love being outside, but I got a sinus infection and I can't work this week... I havent' been able to eat with everyone at lunch and I was stuck in my house for 2 non-consecutive days... On tuesday, I got so tired of being by myself I called up my friend, and we went bowling... What I was unaware of until a little later was the reason he was going bowling was that another friend was being sent home...

Now, YWAM is short term, so this is a normal occurence, but he was being sent home early because he had gotten into some trouble over the break... When he was honest about what took place over his break, he was sent home... I was upset at the fact he was being sent home, but in my mind felt like I was floating... I felt, again, like I was just a casual observer, just watching a movie... I wanted to hang out with him and comfort him, but by the time we played the second game, I was lost in this dazed feeling, and feeling like I was doing something stupid or something that was going to count negatively for me, or perhaps that people had thought something bad about me... I mean, these thoughts overwhelmed me for a little while...

My biological mother was diagnosed a Paranoid Schizzophrenic. It has been a fear since I was young that this would be passed onto me... I've never seen a psychiotrist about it, but have talked to my general practitioner who said that the things (at the time) I had described just showed I was frustrated and trapped and were nothing serious to worry about...

I think the problems have gotten worse since then, however. I am not sure I can cope with the itching and the financial situation and my loneliness... I feel totally like my faith is superficial because whenever I get lonely, I do all sorts of sins... Though I don't want to start an argument, I have decided it is wrong for me to download Roms and Digisubs and commercial MP3s, but even after making that decission, as soon as I went home and had broadband connection, that's exactly what I started doing... I also, probably once a night for 3/4 of the nights I spent at home, reverted to looking for porn... It lasted an hour at most, and I always felt like crap for doing it, but despite all the logic and history telling me it wasn't true, I somehow believed that I would feel better if I did those things...

I mean, after it was over with, I not only felt bad for lusting and such, but I felt depressed because of the people involved, and I would get mad at the people that force people to work in porn, but then realize that for me to take part in it makes me just as bad as those digital pimps...

I don't feel nearly as trapped here as I do at home, but after that confrontation I had, it has made me paranoid. I think that everything I do is going to be looked at negatively, and I think of all sorts of ways that people may be thinking something bad about me...

I feel like my intelligence has gone to pot... I considered myself rather eloquent at one time, but I have a hard time portraying even the simplest concepts anymore... I feel like I'm aging down... Like I'm getting senile or something... Every little event seems like something world changing to me... If I so much as get a smile or a frown, it drastically effects the way I work and live...

I think of my future, and realize that my study habbits are horrible, I'm not very good at math, I have never been good at holding down a job, and I'm almost 23 and only taken about 20 credits... Full Sail is out of the question, and even a normal college isn't looking very likely... Everything seems so hopeless and monumental... I know it doesn't have to be, but I can know that and still the part of me that lives out my daily life doesn't accept that... I just don't know what to do...

I thought that maybe I could go help with relief work because of the earthquake... I got excited when it was announced we were all released to help out as long as we worked out the details ourselves for the most part... It doesn't look like I'll be going with anyone that's doing that now, however, and ... Hmm... That's as far as I can go... I think the decongestant has kicked in... At least, that's the excuse I'm giving for not being entirely coherent... I could really use some prayer...

Pray that I don't go crazy
Pray that I'll get hope back... I won't be in despair...
Pray that I'll understand my immediate purpose...
Pray that this itching will go away...
Pray that I will be able to cope with all these things, that everything will go back to normal, and that I won't live in fear... Fear of being sent home, or fear of going crazy, or fear of losing friends or doing something stupid or getting hurt or becoming disabled...

Anything you can say would be helpfull... I think I got most of it out in this post... I hope it wasn't too long to read... Thank you.

[Jaltus-bot]

I'll finish reading tomorrow, but I'll give you a and a prayer in the mean time.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

i will pray for ya bob

[Hephzibah]

Same here! *dons prayer warrior outfit* I will pray for you bob

[bigsleepj]

I'll Pray for you.

[Syreth]

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It makes me think, yeah, I can relate to some of the things that you're going through. I think a lot of us can relate to you on some level, but it makes me think of these verses:

14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
-Hebrews 4:14-16

I'll definately pray for you, sir. Please hang in there.

[dragonshimmer]

I will pray, good sir. Take heart, and know that the Lord is with you.
*hugs*

[Rogie]

Hey, Bob, I'm praying for you. Hang in there.

[Anna Mae]

God bless you, Bob. We'll all be praying.

[Felix]

I will most certainly pray.

[Mave]

Hey Bob, this is kinda of late but these feelings aren't uncommon. I get those feelings too in various cycles of my life. At those moments, I feel completely out-of-place, lonely, weak, tired, discouraged, useless and all...And about the porn thingy, you're not alone. I know the feeling: You feel like the most repulsive and disgusting scum on the planet once you've gone out and done things you know you shouldn't by compulsion and you feel as if God hates you and you're going down, down and down.

But that's bull that the Devil feeds our mind when we're weak. Satan loves to attack us when we're lonely, tired and in pain. The only thing that gives me strength in such times is that God loves me despite my imperfections and extends a hand towards me as an offer of comfort and help. I don't know what I'll do if I did not return the gesture and place my hands into His. The best responses I've found in such situations are praying, worshipping Him in music and reading His Word.

I'll pray for you, brother. Let His strength and peace carry you through life ~

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

I'll most definitely be praying for you, Bob. *hugs*