Happiness eludes me

[Nate]

I'm having a hard time just typing this.

God, I don't even know what to say. It's all just a big huge mess of I don't know what it just hurts.

I did something stupid today...not that that's uncommon but still...it's just absolutely unbearable for me. I hurt someone else in my stupidity and now I can't sleep, I can barely function my heart is hurting so bad. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this...someone tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this...

This is my first REAL encounter with the emotion people call love. It's stupid. I HATE IT. I LOATHE AND DESPISE IT. I don't refer to God's love for us here, I'm referring to love between a man and a woman.

I can't...I don't know what to do...seriously. I've never felt this way before, and it makes me feel like an evil person just saying this, but I didn't even feel this bad when my dad died. I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm just rambling now...I think I'll close.

[Mangafanatic]

Hey, Kae.

You sound like you're in alot of pain right now. I'm really sorry, and I'll be praying for you. Infact, I am right now.

As far as what to do? Well, I'd apologize to this person and tell them how terribly sorry you are for what you've done. I was once pretty deeply wounded by a close male friend of mine (we were sort of putting out feelers about the very topic of your post. It was my first and last juvenile venture into the topic, though.) and he pretty much grovelled before me as he apologized. I was still REALLY mad (and I told him as much ), and I didn't accpet him initially. But, after a couple hours, it was me begging forgiveness for what I had said that was cruel to him

Once again, I'm so sorry that you're having to battle this right now. I have lost a few close relatives and the pain I mentioned above hurt in an entirely different way. In these "love" situations, you're hurt, partly, because your mind keeps telling you there's something you can do to fix it. And then you try-- and it doesn't work. That is enough to make anyone cry.

*hug* I'm praying for you, Kae-kun!

[sonichiro]

i'm around nine years younger than you but still listen to me, okay? in the Bible moses had to go and talk to pharoh, and the Bible says that he was a horrible speaker. moses asked God what he was to say to pharoh and begged God to let someone else go instead, but God chose him. God told moses to trust him and to go to pharoh. so moses listened and trusted in God and when he opened his mouth to speak, God instantly gave him the words he was to say. i pray that you would have peace in your heart and that your panicking and your pain would subside. go to this woman and ask God what he wants you to say, trust in him that he would breathe the propper words into you. i'm going to pray for you and type what i'm praying as i do, okay? God, i pray that you would flood this man with your peace and your wisdom. you know what is in his heart, you created him and understand him better than he understands himself. i pray that you would give him peace, and rest. that he would be able to go to this young woman he has hurt and be able to work things out. i pray that he would be calm and that he'd hear the words you want him to say. God, whatever happens is all according to your plan. just give him peace in his heart, God. and i pray for this young lady. i pray that if he goes to her that she would recieve his appology and that her hurt would heal. i pray that you would soften her heart and that she'd be able to forgive kaem for what ever it is that he has done. i pleed the blood of Jesus over them and a hedge of protection would be around them. give them your peace and your wisdom, in the name of Jesus, amen.
i hope i've helped you in any way and i pray that you would have peace in your heart and be calm. God bless!-brandon(my real name)

[shooraijin]

Can you tell us more about what happened?

[Nate]

More info? Sure, why not...

There's this girl, her name is...uh, Ann. Yeah, that'll work. Anyway, as I've gotten to know Ann over time, I started to realize that my feelings for her went beyond friendship. I put those feelings aside at first, decided to ignore them, but they wouldn't go away. I told her about those feelings, and was (of course) shot down in flames, but the friendship continued, no hard feelings and all that.

No, the problem is what happened a couple of days ago. I went to Winterfest, which is a three day concert of Christian bands and speakers, a good time of faith and fellowship. Or at least, it probably was. I was too busy thinking about Ann to concentrate on God.

Irritated, I decided to make some changes when I returned. I want God to be the number one priority in my life. When I spoke with her the night of my return, my heart started hurting deeply. I don't know why. It just did. I excused myself to go to sleep, and the next day decided I would limit the time I spent with her. Not such a bad idea, but I decided to do it in a way I thought would be discreet, and I was so very, very wrong.

She found out I was trying to avoid her, and it hurt her badly. So of course, since we have this brain/heart fusion thing going on, I immediately started to hurt too. I started to hurt VERY badly, which is why I couldn't sleep last night, I hurt so much. In fact, I'm still hurting, but anyway...

The point is, this sucks because even though I talked with her and I got things sorted out, reinforced the fact that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her (though my actions said otherwise, it's purely due to my incredible and unending stupidity), I think our friendship is broken now. We're still on good terms with each other, but it just...it won't be the same anymore.

I've learned a valuable lesson in all this. Don't let anything come in between you and God...because He'll take it away from you. Even if you think it's something wonderful like "love," our God is a jealous God, and He wants our attention focused on Him, not anything else. It seems wrong, it seems cruel when all I did was love this girl (and I still will...I'll never stop loving her), but it's the way He is, and I can't argue with Him.

I'm not so weak as to resort to suicide, but I'm not quite strong enough to deal with all this pain. I've lost all interest in the things I thought were fun before all this happened. I've no interest in video games, in anime, in TV, anything. Part of me has, in fact, died.

This is the price I pay for falling in love.

[sonichiro]

i'm still praying for you, just focus on God right now. give time for him to heal your brokenness. place this burden in his hands. once i was dealing with something really hard with this person. i broke down at church one day because my pain was so great, i couldnt carry it any more. so i confided to a church member about what was going on. it was something from when i was ten, that i had just recantly realized i was broken over. my mom was dying and no one told me, and i had been struggling with it ever since i found out. i fealt so betrayed, so broken hearted. i know it doesn't seem like much because she lived but i couldnt get over the fact that my family kept it from me. the woman i confided in told me to talk to my mother. so i did. and when i did she started crying. she had no idea that i'd been carrying that burden for almost five years. a child shouldnt have to go threw that. we began to pray together and my mother told me that God was showing her a picture of me. i was wearing a heavy backpack that i couldnt hold. i came to a door and i put the back pack down and i walked threw the door and didnt look back. as soon as she sid that i fealt the pain lift from me. this pain your going threw is a back pack of burdens that is too heavy for you too keep carrying. surrender it over too God and he will take them from you. you need to walk threw that door and have peace. i know my story isn't much compaired to what your going threw, but its the only thing in my life that i thought might help. spend time with God, he will take this from you if you allow it to be taken.

[Rogie]

I'll pray.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

i will pray for you kae, i suggest telling her the reason why you "avoided" her

and remember. God is faithful, you tell her. Im sure God will make sure she will accept and forgive ya ^^ He does nto elave us feeling Sour, and his final decision is always good

[Azier the Swordsman]

I've learned a valuable lesson in all this. Don't let anything come in between you and God...because He'll take it away from you. Even if you think it's something wonderful like "love," our God is a jealous God, and He wants our attention focused on Him, not anything else. It seems wrong, it seems cruel when all I did was love this girl (and I still will...I'll never stop loving her), but it's the way He is, and I can't argue with Him.

Hmm.... I can't say I fully agree with that particular paragraph. Yes, God is a jealous God, but he's not a tyrant. The ability to fall in love, to experince the emotion, is a gift from God itself, and it's natural to want to spend a lot of time with a special person, but I don't simply believe that God was sitting up in the clouds one day and said: "Oh, boy! There's Kae again, just look at him! Thinks he can spend more time with her than ME? Well, we'll just see about that!" ZAP!

Try instead looking at it like this: Perhaps God is wanting to use this to draw you nearer to him. Sometimes he lets crises' come into our lives to bring us before him. Take this problem before God, and don't let yourself become mad at him. You never know: all may not be lost. You, of course, may never be able to salvage this situation by yourself, but God can do anything. But, even if he doesn't, then this means he has a better plan in store for you. And you will be guaranteed to enjoy his alternate plan much better than yours.

[true_noir_chloe]

Azier took the words out of my keyboard. God is not a mean and unloving God. To know the love of the Lord is the most healing experience in your life. I've been married nearly 17 years now, and my husband was a gift from my loving Lord, and all the other men who came and went in my life, the ones who seemed to be pulled away that I was totally and utterly crushed by losing - well, shwoo, no matter how wonderful they seemed at the time in hindsight, God was looking out for me.

Your view of life, Kae, is a bit askew.

I'm wondering, since I've read that you don't really enjoy Christian music, why did you go to this three day concert? I mean really? Was it truly to get closer to God? Or, was it that you wanted to get closer to this girl?

Priorities do matter, because to be the kind of man that can love a woman of God you will have to be a man who knows how to love God first. Otherwise, you're cheating your future wife out of a blessing. In Ephesians 5:25-30 it talks of how the man is representative of Christ to the church (the wife) and if you are not ready to totally be in love with the Lord and the fact the Lord is totally in love with you, that He gave His life for you, you will not know how to be totally in love with a wife. And not only that, let me just type this part of Ephesians for you.

Eph. 5:28 "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;"
29 "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church."

When I met my husband he was a confident man. Confident in who he was in Christ and that was a very attractive feature of a godly man. Be confident in Him, not in you, in Him.

I'll keep praying for you, Kae. ^____^

[Syreth]

I'll be praying for you, bro. I think all of us have had negative experiences with this thing called "love" and can relate somewhat to what you're going through. I pray that you'll be able to move on. Don't let this one unfortunate incident ruin all aspirations you might have to be in a relationship. God wants you to be happy. Delight in Him.

[Nikki_fallingup]

Kae... you already know how I feel about this.... I won't keep repeating myself. I know you may get tired of it. SO... instead I'll say this. Ever since I came to CAA I've depended and looked up to you. When I first came I saw a very depressed sad man. Now I see a stuggling friend. You know I love you like a sister loves her brother. I will continue to do so and pray for you.

[sunet]

I will pray for you Kae.

[Ssjjvash]

I'll skip the part where I wanna say "I'm sorry" or whatever I usually do. If you are still upset and hurting after you've apologized, I believe that's called condemnation. You can't go beating yourself up like this forever! Well, I suppose you can, but I wouldn't suggest it. ^_^
Romans 8:1a says, "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus....."
I think it's great that you want to put God first though! "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." Mt. 6:33

Dear God, I thank you that Kae has peace that passes all understanding. I thank You that Your peace reigns in his heart. Thank You, Lord, that he knows how much You love him and that You are always there for him! Thank You for healing any hurt he has. In Jesus' mighty name,
Amen.