emotional abuse with a side of depression

[soul alive]

i could use a hug.

i have been feeling rather depressed lately, and just need to get this off my shoulders, i keep everything to myself and God, but i really need to have this out.

i have suffered from different levels of depression for quite some time. and yes, i do realize that since it has been going on, i need to see a doctor about medication or something of the sort, since i may very well have a chemical imbalance. but i am afraid to for some reason that i can't identify.

i have a rather introverted personality and usually keep to myself and keep things to myself. i also have a bit of emotional baggage. for several years, my mother has been dishing out verbal abuse, and my little sister frequently joins in. it’s better now that i am at college and not around them every day, but i still talk on the phone nearly every day with my family, and sometimes get it over the phone. For stretches of time lasting between a couple of weeks to a few months, i can’t remember having a day go by without being told i was fat, that i am stupid and otherwise socially inept, as well as other things. i remember one time when mom was making a dress for me, and making comments about how i was fat and needed a larger dress size, and i got all upset and she apologized and said she remembered her mother doing the same, and how she had hated it too, and wouldn’t do it anymore, and then proceeded to start again on the next day. i am not athletically inclined, so i got called lazy frequently because i chose to stay in my room instead of going outside to do things. if i took a long time to do chores, grumbled about having to clean the bathroom all the time, protested unfair chore loads, i was again called lazy, and told that if i didn’t clean the bathroom or whatever, i wasn’t a part of the family. i frequently protested my treatment, and everyone could tell when i was upset about it, because i would cry (which in turn i would get flack about). i cry a lot; basically, whenever i am feeling a negative emotion strongly – anger, sadness, frustration, etc. i always have, since before kindergarden.

and yes, i did think about suicide, not in actually doing it, but more in a detached, morbid way – ‘what would happen if i took a whole bottle of those pills?’ and i still find myself struggling not to think about being run over by a carsor other situations of the sort.

i hate confrontations, debates, arguments, and anything of that sort, i get anxiety attacks over it. i also have a very difficult time learning to trust people as my mom has broken my trust so frequently by ‘sharing’ matters that really should be kept private with her friends and by calling me names.
i pray about it daily, and God has helped me so very, very much. once when i was feeling depressed and had for over a month, i was reading in my Bible and happened upon Lamentations, helping me understand that God more than knows how i feel. i could never have gotten through this struggle without Him.

i never really told any of my friends, until recently, what has been going on, since my mom is so nice in public, most people don't tend to believe that she would be emotionally abusive.

i have tried to witness to my family (neither of my parents nor my sister are saved) but they blow off my attempts, and have told me that instead of doing daily Bible studies, i 'should spend my time on more productive things.'

please pray for me in this struggle, especially since i have been feeling more depressed as of late. please pray for my mother that she may realize what she is doing, and my sister too, and stop, for good; or better yet, be saved. and please give me a bit of leeway; i tend to be incredibly self critical, almost obsessively compulsively critical, due to adjustments i have had to make to try to avoid abuse, and sometimes, i forget myself and be overly critical toward other people as well, and when i realize what i was doing i become apologetic to the point of annoyance. if you catch me being overly critical, just tell me, gently.

if you got all the way through, or if you just skimmed, thank you for reading this, it is quite long.

[ShiroiHikari]

my dad used to call me fat and stupid too. I think he was just kidding, but it still hurt. so...I guess I can relate on some level. I'm not good at being encouraging or giving advice, but I just wanted to say I'll pray for you.

[Mr. Rogers]

ill pray for you. im no doctor, but i dont think that sounds like a chemical thing. with people always doing stuff like that, that would happen. ill be praying for you.

[agasfas]

First off let me give you a great big ol' Bear hug *graps her and squeezes*

i also have a very difficult time learning to trust people as my mom has broken my trust so frequently by ‘sharing’ matters...

I know how you feel. That has happend to me so many times. Each and everytime someon breaks my trust it gets harder and harder to start trusting others again. But for some odd reason, God has lead me back onto the path. Many take advantage of me b/c they see me as the "nice" guy. I try to hard to make everyone happy w/ the end result being pain. But I can relate. Also, I have been called plenty of names when growing up, not by my parents but my siblings and the people at school. Around 8th grade I started to loose my hair due to Alopecia. Hair fell out in random patches. Then it would grow back and more would fall out. Although it's all back now, the pain is still there. Kids also made fun of me having cancer (which i never had) and made fun of out i looked. They would try to steal my hat and play keep-away. So on that level I can relate. But there has always been a few in my life always giving me words of advice, making me stronger. Although I'm not the best at it let me give it a try:

Regardless of what anyone says, your a beautiful girl/woman (whichever you prefer being called). God made you the way you are for a reason. Although you may not see why, there is a reason. But I know, deep down that you have something that is beautiful, you just need to find it. Dont' let anyone ever tell you different. No matter how many times you get knocked down, not matter how hard, keep picking yourself up. What matters isn't how many times you fall, but the perseverance of getting back up. That makes us who we are. Always remember there are people who care for you, me and the people at CAA.

Also a bit random, but I know most depression is caused by what we feed into our minds or believe. Some people need medcines, but most are curable by changing what we decide to take into and believe. THere has actually been quite a bit of research to prove that. I know I fight depression every so often about being lonely, i got threads to prove that, but i always find a way back to reality. Anyways, I know God can/will do the same for you.

(sorry in advance, don't mean to start any debates...)

m no doctor, but i dont think that sounds like a chemical thing. with people always doing stuff like that, that would happen.

True.
Also note, Most drug companies try to push their drugs to get more money. Thus all the ads saying, "are you sad today, then you may have clinical depression." They take one symptom and make it universal for all depression. IN reality, you may not have what they are trying to treat. It's all about money.... They try to feed that stuff to the american people so they go out and request if from their doctors, saying I have this, this and this, give me this medicine. They try to make the public believe they have something they may not have. Sorry don't mean to start any debates..... *looks around for one of the mods (shooraijin) * My point was to don't automatically assume depression requires medicine.

Anyways....
Sorry, I'm not the best w/ words. But I tired my best. I will surely be praying for you.

Edit: You have gave me some words of encouragement in the past and I thank you. I really hope this time I helped you at least a bit. And if you ever need someone to talk to or whatever, feel free to PM me. I always try my best.

Also, sorry for anything I may have said that may have been debatable....

[soul alive]

thanks all you guys. your prayers are definately appreciated.

and agasfas - don't worry about saying anything that could be debateable - it's actual debates that freak me out, people jumping down eachothers' throats, and so on. and i know where you are coming from with being teased and harrassed by other kids... children can be worse than adults about being mean sometimes.

[Rogie]

There you go, three big hugs. Reading your post, I can tell that you're a nice, wonderful person, and that it is unfortunate that anyone would ever insult you like that. I do know that these things happen, though (in different ways, I have experienced what you are feeling, too). I will definitely be praying for you, and I'll remember your family members in prayer, too.

And if you need to talk about anything, feel free to PM me.

[Mangafanatic]

There's alot of baggage that we're given growing up. I'm so sorry for al the pain you have had to endure in such a young life. It's really so sad.

But whatever anyone says, you are exactly the way God made you and he thinks you're crazy beautiful. Never forget that.

[Debitt]

I know the feeling. *hug* I'll be praying for you.

[soul alive]

again, thanks all you guys.

<<But whatever anyone says, you are exactly the way God made you and he thinks you're crazy beautiful. Never forget that.>>

thanks, and i try my absolute hardest to never forget that, but when the people you love most try to convince you otherwise, it just hurts.

but like i said, i am doing lots and tons better now that i am at college... but my Christmas break is 3-4 weeks long, and sadly, i am not looking forward to it as much as i really should be.

it's so great to have a place like CAA that i can share problems and help with problems

[Kat Walker]

Poor thing. *hugs* I know how you feel, I'm a tightwad and don't like anyone to know how I feel. I get harassed by people on a regular basis, and it can be tough to handle with grace. That combined with all the volatile emotions with no way out....bleh, its never fun. But I'll be praying for you, and I really hope you don't let the awful things people say bother you, because I can tell you're such a sweet and good-hearted person who deserves much better.

[WhiteKnight23]

Hey Sara, hang in there.
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7

We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us... So we do not give up. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16

I know the Lord has somthing important for you to do, that is why you are still here. Don't ever give up, for he has a plan for you.
You are not fat, you are not ugly, you are the Most beatiful woman I know, Your eyes are as the blue sky, and trust me, I could spend my life staring into your eyes with the only thought, that out of all these other guys... you chose me. Most importantly though, I fell in Love with you because of you not because of your beauty on the outside, but the beauty you are inside.

And as you go through times of trouble which may bring worry or fear remember to Trust in the LORD with all YOUR hear; and lean not unto thine OWN understanding. But in all your ways acknowlege him, and he will direct your path.

[true_noir_chloe]

Soul Alive, I've seen your picture and can't believe anyone would think you're fat or ugly. My goodness, you're beautiful. I can truly see the Spirit when I look into your eyes. God makes you a transcendent beauty. I always say to my friends that I use the Holy Spirit aging cream. Did you see my age? ~_^



Anyways, I grew up in a non-Christian family. I was saved when I was 151/2 and had a very abusive childhood - the usual, alcoholic dad, drug dealing brother, sister in the occult and the usual. My mom is wonderful; but, very negative (calling me stupid and the likes). She had always hoped I would grow out of the crazy Christian zealousy I had and be normal. I used to witness to everyone, sister's boyfriends, the drug addicts who came to buy stash from my dealer siblings and the like. Life as the only Christian in a non-Christian home can be rough.

Anyways, I lived through it. I am a happily married woman blessed with two wonderful kids and am well taken care of by a loving husband who exemplifies the role of Christ to his beloved wife - me. This is by His merciful love for me.

You know, you don't have to go home for the break? Do you have friends? Me, when I was 17, I joined an overseas and college ministry and never went back home. I chose to be around those more positive influences and had great Christian roommates until I moved to Texas on my own and met my husband.

When I went back home I witnessed and prayed to my brother (the drug dealer) and he is now a married Christian man with three boys. Another time I went home I prayed with my little sister. Whether she was truly saved, I'm still not sure, I do know she prayed with me, but she has her daughter and son attending a private Christian school and they witness to my mom - their grandmother now.

You can be an awesome witness in the void home life of yours. God is so much more than they are.

Be strong, and as simple as that sounds, He is always with you.

And, about the depression thing. No one on this forum can tell you whether you have a chemical imbalance or not. Please, if you think you do seek medical advice. I know many people are against that, but really, no one here knows you. Only someone who sees you personally can make a true diagnosis.

If you ever want to talk to a mom that won't ever knock you for your faith or would be uplifting, feel free to pm me. ^_______^

Schwoo, I'm always so long-winded. *hehe*

[soul alive]

thanks WhiteKnight and chloe.

i do plan on going home for break, and hopefully everything will be okay. i want to spend Christmas with my family, and if it starts getting bad, i have my own car and can go stay with friends anytime.

like i said, i am sort of afraid to go see a doctor... i have taken online tests that tell you if you need to go or not, and they have generally indicated that i do need to go. but i am unsure about going; i am doing fairly well without medication, and unless it gets severely worse, i probably won't go.

[Fsiphskilm]

wow chloe! man

[Ssjjvash]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed. I will pray for you.
I don't know what it's like getting verbal abuse from family, but it's bad enough when it comes in your thoughts.
Introverts are more prone to being moody and depressed, I should know, I'm one of 'em. Sometimes it really takes an effort not to get offended by what others say and do.
When King David was depressed in the Bible, yes, he really was depressed at times, he encouraged himself in the Lord by praising God.
That's all I can offer for now. If you ever wanna talk, I'm here. ^_^ Except when I go on vacation on the 20th. lol.

be blessed, Soul Alive! Jesus loves you and you can always count on Him.

[Spiritsword]

I will pray.

[soul alive]

thanks everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. i am feeling so much better, not quite at 100%, because i am going through final project stress, but the depression has gone.

i agree about starting a club, Volt. we need some kind of support group thread stickied somewhere.
it's never good to have something like this happen to you, but hearing other people's stories and being able to tell your own helps so very much.

Ssjjvash, reading Psalms is one of my favorite things to do when i am feeling down, King David was so good at expressing himself through his psalms.
i also listen to the Newsboys, since their music makes me smile no matter how down i am.. ^^.

[agasfas]

I'm glad your feeling much better now. Depression is a tough thing to battle, millions battle it everyday. Like you said, the best thing sometimes is to just get it off your chest. If you let that kind of stuff build up for a long time it's easy to become hateful towards others. *checks one of his ealy posts* JK
I've only heard a few songs from the Newsboys, but what I have heard is quite good. Michael W. Smith is quite good too. His songs always make me feel better. *Thanks his friend for sending it* ANd again, like you said Psalms is a great book. It's such an inspirational and joyful book.
I'll continue to pray for you and everyone at CAA. Glad your feeling much better.

[Towi Wakka]

I think that it is very good of you to share this with us. I really feel for you because I also struggle with depression. Remember, keep your chin up. I will be praying for you. *Hug

[Ssjjvash]

Ssjjvash, reading Psalms is one of my favorite things to do when i am feeling down, King David was so good at expressing himself through his psalms.
i also listen to the Newsboys, since their music makes me smile no matter how down i am.. ^^.

Yeah, whenever I listen to Matthew West, it always helps me. It's kinda funny because his cd is called "Happy" lol.