if you know where, send me an e-mail so I can make it jump through hoops it was never meant to as well *cackles* ~.^ ) I've decided to "have a little fun" with this annoying device made to make spamfic and force it to parody spamfic. . .hope you all enjoy this. I edited a little for space, but you get the point. -^.^-
(This is not my own work aside from the person, place, item, etc. names I popped in. If it was, I would never publish another fanfic online!)
Whiny sighed heavily as she threw her velvet cloak to the floor. Feisty anger flashed in her puce eyes. She flopped over onto her soft sackcloth-sheeted bed and glanced around at the empty room. Tears began to flood her eyes and roll softly down her porcelain cheeks. 'I cannot marry another,' she said in a voice no louder than a whisper. 'I cannot, for my true love is Idiot.'
Standing, Whiny walked solemnly to the window that overlooked the city of Stupefied. The sun was just setting for the night, casting a golden glow over the countryside. But the beauty of the scene touched not Whiny's heart, for it was saddened by the news that had been given to her only hours before. She was to be married to Silly, who was a close personal friend of her father's. She had been given no say in this matter- it was arranged behind her back. And there was no turning away from it now. Tomorrow, she would leave for Spamland to meet her future husband. And the day following, they would be wed.
Whiny clutched at the windowsill until her knuckles turned white, and she wept bitter tears. How could this be happening? Slowly, and with the blur of tears still in her vivid puce eyes, she paced about her bedroom. All she could think of now was Idiot, and how the news would break his heart.
They had met two summers ago in Hacker Haven, when Whiny had gone for a ride in the country with her mother and sisters. But when Whiny had strayed off the path to follow an adorable baby Chihuahua, she had become separated from her family and hopelessly lost. Then out of nowhere a band of orcs had appeared to attack her. By some stroke of luck, she happened to have her father's old socks and speeding ticket hidden secretly within the folds of her skirt. But though she managed to kill 89,000 of the foul creatures, she was soon outnumbered.
Then just as she though her life would be ended, a beautiful dream-like vision appeared before her. The deadly warrior who had come to her rescue, a handsome Baka, quickly killed off the remaining 100,000,000 orcs with his SpamKiller 4.0 before rushing to Whiny's side.
It was love at first sight. The moment she looked into his sparkling burnished spam eyes, Whiny knew there would never be any other for her. 'My name is Idiot,' he said in a voice soft as the summer wind. Tenderly, he put a hand on her eyes to make sure she was alright. 'Are you hurt, my lady?' he asked.
'No,' she replied. In truth there was a bad cut on her nose, but she didn't want to worry Idiot. 'And my name is Whiny.'
'Whiny,' Idiot repeated. He said the name as if savouring the sound of it on his tongue. 'That is a beautiful name, fit for so beautiful a lady.'
In truth, she was beautiful. Unusually so, some said. Her father came from the line of Bakas of Banned Boredom, while her mother was born into a lordly house of Dorobos in Sillyland. The blending of the two races came together perfectly in Whiny, giving her an exotic look that few males found they could resist. Large almond-shaped bright puce eyes were framed perfectly by shimmering waves of thick lemon hair that fell to her waist. A sandbox litter-encrusted mithril pendant hung ever from her slender white neck.
Suddenly, Whiny and Idiot were interrupted by a wild cry that signified more orcs still lurked nearby. 'Come,' said Idiot as he hurried Whiny to her feet. 'It is not safe to linger here. You must come with me, and hurry!' Taking Whiny's hand, he hastened away from the sound. Whiny did her best to keep up with him, but the pain in her nose was too great.
'My lady!' gasped Idiot when he saw her lagging behind. 'You are injured!' Immediately he sat her down to examine the wound. Blood had already started to soak through her gown in an ugly red stain. 'I must tend to this wound now as best I can,' he said. 'We will find a healer later, but for now this cannot wait.' Without a second thought, he pulled off his Hawaiian shirt and began tearing it into bandages for Whiny's nose.
With this makeshift bandage in place, Whiny and Idiot were able to hurry on their way. The cries of orcs were ever-present behind them, but they ran swiftly. Soon, Whiny found herself in front of a small cabin, which she guessed must belong to Idiot. He held the door open as he stepped inside, beckoning for her to follow him. 'Come in,' he said. 'We will be much safer in here.'
Whiny took a deep breath as she stepped toward the cabin door.
