Khar.

Unleash your creative writing skills here.

Khar.

Postby yukoxholic » Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:22 am

So, I am in no way, shape, or form the best fictional writer in the world. I normally stick to poetry because it is more my forte but this idea came to me after a dream and I woke up and couldn’t stop writing. This is just a short excerpt. Just a quick note: It does have the mentioning of “gods” but it’s fantasy and by no means trying to be sacrilegious. Any, comments or tips or whatever would be great. AGAIN, I am not the best of writers because it isn’t my strong suit. :)

--




PROLONG

Once upon a time there was born a child, a little girl named Sahasara. She lived within the lands evoked by fae and the seas governed by mermaid and man. To the eye she looked as ordinary as any girl but she wasn’t. Inside her lived a precious pearl that she must protect. A pearl so small yet so great that its worth was unfathomable for the gods bestowed this gift into the child out of the love shared between her mother and father.

The gods said she would endure great sorrow and sacrifice to maintain such a gift and so it was by the gods her family was taken from her. Little did she know that one day what was taken may also be reborn again but that is farther within her story and so I must digress. Years have passed now and Sahasara has grown into a young woman, old enough to know of the dangers of this world but still very much naïve to the ways of her people. Sahasara Ari of 16 years of stars this is her name and she will show us the way.

CHAPTER ONE

“I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one,” she said, staring down into the lake. Her hair caught the sunlight in golden waves and her skin the color of cream shone bright as well. She ran her hands beneath the ripples of water, wary to stay away from the edge so her blue Grecian dress did not get soaked.

“If you look harder, you will!” exclaimed the male voice. She smiled down at her water filled hands, catching her reflection. She blushed, knowing full well that the heat that radiated from the sun was not causing her to flush but the fact that only a foot away stood him, the one her heart cared dearly for. Khar, that was his name. She’d dream everyday of their names together as one. Sahasara and Khar. For a moment her heart fluttered at the thought before darkness covered her eyes.

“Khar! Stop it! I won't be able to see the pyre-fish!” She could feel his hands upon her face, making her blush grow even more. “But I must shield the eyes of the chosen one,” Khar paused, “Why, what if the sun were to blind you?” She could not see him but she sensed he was grinning from ear to ear. She stood quickly and turned around, his hands fell to her waist as she spun. He looked at her lovingly, deep emerald eyes piercing into her very being. “Sahasara,” he whispered into her ear. She shivered knowing full well that the love in which she had for him was amply returned.

----

Yeah, and that's all I have so far! ^_^
User avatar
yukoxholic
 
Posts: 944
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:47 pm

Re: Khar.

Postby FreddyCast » Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:02 pm

I love it.
Since I'm an amatuer writer myself I really can't critique this.
But I like the romantic image you portray in your writing.
I too am writing a romance/action manga story, and sometimes I find it hard to portray a romantic image for my readers. I mean in my mind it's so clear and beautiful, but when you start writing it down there's always that worry that viewers might not see what you saw in your mind.
I try to make it a rule to never be too descriptive because then it feels like you're limiting the readers own imagination to what he's reading. But if it isn't descriptive enough it leaves the reader confused and bored.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I love the story, please continue.
ImageHebrews 13:2 Do not forget/neglect to entertain (show hospitality to) strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.
My Manga Story "The Fallen Rise"
GOD'S CREATION, THE FALL OF LUCIFER, & THE RISE OF THE MESSIAH Enter my Channel if you dare
ROMAN CATHOLIC MARIOLATRY Series
MY BLOG
User avatar
FreddyCast
 
Posts: 108
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2013 2:26 pm
Location: Under Kris-tina's bed or hiding in Wolfsong's tree (you can't find me)

Re: Khar.

Postby yukoxholic » Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:05 pm

FreddyCast wrote:I love it.
Since I'm an amatuer writer myself I really can't critique this.
But I like the romantic image you portray in your writing.
I too am writing a romance/action manga story, and sometimes I find it hard to portray a romantic image for my readers. I mean in my mind it's so clear and beautiful, but when you start writing it down there's always that worry that viewers might not see what you saw in your mind.
I try to make it a rule to never be too descriptive because then it feels like you're limiting the readers own imagination to what he's reading. But if it isn't descriptive enough it leaves the reader confused and bored.
Anyways, I'm rambling. I love the story, please continue.


Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully, I can continue you on with it when the inspiration strikes! :) Thanks again for reading and for your reply! I really appreciate it!
User avatar
yukoxholic
 
Posts: 944
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:47 pm


Return to Writing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 111 guests