How are shy people supposed to do our part in finding a girlfriend?

[Davidizer13]

I'm going to be super blunt here, Dot, all your posts make you sound like a six-year-old. "God, pleeeeeaase, can I get a wife? Please please please? I promise I'll be good and I'll eat all my vegetables for a month and I'll never ask for anything else again!" You're not coming across as someone who's mature enough to get married, to be honest. Your reasons for wanting to get married are all about yourself; I want a partner who can stand on my side, you said, I want someone who will comfort me when I need it, someone who can gratify my sexual needs, etc. There's nothing there about what you're going to do for her.

Even if you do find the perfect soulmate, none of that is going to fly with her because it shouldn't be about you; she's part of the relationship too, you know. Going into a marriage, your attitude should be, what can I do to help the other person? How can I be there for them? If you go in to any relationship expecting the other person to carry you through, then, um, good luck with that! And what happens to that if it ends up that you don't get married? If you're waiting for someone to pull you through and you aren't getting one, then you're in even more trouble...

Enjoy your singleness while it lasts. Disregard females, acquire currency (I mean it - girlfriends are expensive). Enjoy not having to answer to anyone else for a while; use this time to make yourself a better person, ready to give yourself up to your partner when you find them, and things'll be a lot better for both of you. And don't just rush into it - my dad was almost 30 when he got married, and he and my mom are still doing great! It means you have more time to prepare yourself for her, after all.

[K. Ayato]

Preach it, Dave!

[The Doctor]

I recommend the series "Finding your life partner" by Pastor Joseph Prince. It really shows finding a life partner in a new light.

Such as this: in the Bible, he talks about a portion of Scripture that, when translated from the original text, means that Jesus was alone, but NOT lonely. We must come to the same place where we are alone but not lonely.

/I know it's hard, but don't come off as desperate. If you do, you've already lost.
//Jesus is the only one who sees when you're desperate and loves you anyway. The opposite sex (whether you're the man and the opposite for you is woman, or vice versa) never does, or very rarely
///Be like a swan. Above the water, calm and gentile. Under the water, peddling like crazy.

[Yamamaya]

People here have said a lot of good things, so I'll go ahead and add my two cents.

My Interpersonal Communications teacher said, "In an unhealthy relationship, you can't live without someone. In a healthy relationship, you are able to live without this person but you choose to live with them anyway."

In other words, you have to have your own sense of self worth before you pursue someone romantically. You can't leech off someone. That tends to breed contempt and frustration in a relationship.

I know a lot of people who are in romantic relationships that shouldn't because of their own emotional problems and/or complete lack of self worth.

A relationship is a two way street, you have to give as much or more than you receive.

In addition, women are not objects to satisfy your desires. They are people too with their own thoughts, feelings, goals, and desires.

Me and my girlfriend support and uplift each other, but we also don't rely completely on each other. It's a relationship, not dependency. If you go into a relationship expecting the other person to satisfy your every desire and need, you're in for a bad surprise.

Not to mention, friends are very important. Even married people need friends. You cannot just rely on one person for your every need.

Finally, you should not get a girlfriend simply for your social needs, because a girlfriend can't do that. A romantic relationship is much different than a platonic one. You have to develop your social skills first before you seek out a girlfriend.

[K. Ayato]

And should you find the person you want to marry, don't immediately rush to get married. I met my sweetheart when we were both 19. A year later, we knew we were meant for each other and started talking about getting married. It didn't happen until 2010. I didn't understand it at the time, but now that I look back, I see how God wanted us to learn some lessons apart from each other as individuals before we came together as husband and wife. Was it difficult waiting that long? Very much so, if not almost impossible. Was it worth it? You betcha

Point is, don't be in a hurry to get married, even if you click with the first girl who comes your way. Had my sweetheart and I gotten married years ago at the level of maturity we were at and not enough of a solid foundation to start a life together, chances are we would have divorced after a few months due to the stress that does come with marriage and not having the tools and being prepped to face it.

Know what you're getting into and why before you make a big decision. Like when I was set to join the military, my dad gave me one big piece of advice: Until you know what you're agreeing to, don't sign any paper. Same goes for you, pal.

[dothackzero]

I recommend the series "Finding your life partner" by Pastor Joseph Prince. It really shows finding a life partner in a new light.

Thanks, I do need to find it. btw, I already listen to him, but I'v haven't heard about it yet. Also check out

Also take a listen to the marriage enrichment sermons from Keith Moore. He's helped me alot to grow as a Christian, but yeah he's marriage stuff is pretty good too.

http://www.moorelife.org/freedownloads.php

btw, Just because you guys see the what you guys see as the more selfish part of me wanting to get married. That doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about what I need to be to be a good boyfriend/husband. Basically you guys were pretty much seeing the selfish side in me.

[K. Ayato]

'Cause that's the only side you showed in your posts, genius. How were we supposed to get the idea that you weren't being selfish if you didn't indicate it in your posts??

[goldenspines]

Thanks, I do need to find it. btw, I already listen to him, but I'v haven't heard about it yet. Also check out

Also take a listen to the marriage enrichment sermons from Keith Moore. He's helped me alot to grow as a Christian, but yeah he's marriage stuff is pretty good too.

http://www.moorelife.org/freedownloads.php

btw, Just because you guys see the what you guys see as the more selfish part of me wanting to get married. That doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about what I need to be to be a good boyfriend/husband. Basically you guys were pretty much seeing the selfish side in me.

As much as I hold the CAA members in high regard and often am amazed at their various talents, I doubt they could see much of you beyond what you post here without knowing you in person for a while.

Thus, I believe they were commenting on what you were saying. Your words and posts seem, thus far, quite selfish and obsessed with finding a female to love you. Your vision on life seems quite narrow from what I've gathered from your posts. You only see the outcome, not the journey. Marriage doesn't happen over night (unless you go the Vegas, apparently) or even over a week. Building relationships (both friendships and those that lead to marriage) takes oodles of hard work from you. Yes, from you. Don't expect people to like you automatically and especially don't expect a woman to fall into you lap and love you right away. Relationships take time to build and sometimes they go through rough and painful patches.


tl;dr, Be prepared to work harder than you ever have before and be ready to put others' needs before your own. That means care for others, even if they don't care for you back.

If you can't handle that, go back to the source of unconditional love, God, and figure it out.

[Nate]

Basically you guys were pretty much seeing the selfish side in me.

Judging from the fact that you have made constant threads about this topic and are always whining about how you need to get married so badly then I'm doubtful that there's any other side in you.

If there is it's clearly much smaller compared to the selfish side. That's unhealthy.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

For now, work on enjoying your friendships with girls. And be thankful for what you do have. No one likes a whinger.

[dothackzero]

Judging from the fact that you have made constant threads about this topic and are always whining about how you need to get married so badly then I'm doubtful that there's any other side in you.

If there is it's clearly much smaller compared to the selfish side. That's unhealthy.

I tend to be a little bit obsessive.

[K. Ayato]

Define "little". Your past threads and all your posts in this one don't seem a "little" obsessive.

[Nate]

I tend to be a little bit obsessive.

In the same way the sun is a little bit hot, or water is a little bit wet.

[dothackzero]

Define "little". Your past threads and all your posts in this one don't seem a "little" obsessive.

By little I mean a lot. Especially anything I'm worried about as you can probably tell.

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/obsessive-compulsive-disorder

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Unless you have a legit diagnosis from a physician or therapist that you have OCD, please don't say you have OCD... And if you have, are you going through some sort of treatment for it?

It's like the most common disorder that people claim to have. When really they're far from being OCD.

[dothackzero]

Unless you have a legit diagnosis from a physician or therapist that you have OCD, please don't say you have OCD... And if you have, are you going through some sort of treatment for it?

It's like the most common disorder that people claim to have. When really they're far from being OCD.

nah, I've been dignosed for it before.

[Nate]

nah, I've been dignosed for it before.

You ever thought about getting medication? Treatment?

I mean if I went to the doctor and they said "You have pneumonia" I wouldn't go "Well don't that beat all!" and then just walk out and start telling everyone "HEY EVERYONE GUESS WHAT I HAVE PNEUMONIA THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I FEEL SO SICK ALL THE TIME" and then sit around and do nothing about it.

[dothackzero]

You ever thought about getting medication? Treatment?

I mean if I went to the doctor and they said "You have pneumonia" I wouldn't go "Well don't that beat all!" and then just walk out and start telling everyone "HEY EVERYONE GUESS WHAT I HAVE PNEUMONIA THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I FEEL SO SICK ALL THE TIME" and then sit around and do nothing about it.

I am on meds for the anxiety(Note that my obsessions usually a lot more fear based). It just never had an effect on this area.

[K. Ayato]

Quite frankly, I don't believe anything you've posted in this thread or the similar ones you made in the past. Know why? 'Cause all you have done is put blame on other people and circumstances, and that is a real dumb and immature thing, rather than come out and admit FIRSTHAND that you are selfish, extremely obsessive, and unwilling to take any responsibility for whatever problems you are facing.

All you've done is the opposite here, and that's why Nate, MSP, myself, and others can't take you seriously. Unless you finally own up to your problems, and stop saying it's everyone else's fault (and now OCD) that you're alone and miserable 'cause no one likes you, and start getting out there and doing something about it, no one is gonna see you as a maturing young man. Not on CAA, nor the people you encounter in real life.

[Xeno]

Quite frankly, I don't believe anything you've posted in this thread or the similar ones you made in the past. Know why? 'Cause all you have done is put blame on other people and circumstances, and that is a real dumb and immature thing, rather than come out and admit FIRSTHAND that you are selfish, extremely obsessive, and unwilling to take any responsibility for whatever problems you are facing.

All you've done is the opposite here, and that's why Nate, MSP, myself, and others can't take you seriously. Unless you finally own up to your problems, and stop saying it's everyone else's fault (and now OCD) that you're alone and miserable 'cause no one likes you, and start getting out there and doing something about it, no one is gonna see you as a maturing young man. Not on CAA, nor the people you encounter in real life.

Completely agree with this assessment. You need to get out and start socializing with people, anyone really. Doesn't matter their gender, and the intent needs to be to just build your friend base (this has been said before). Yeah you say you have OCD with fear-based obsessions, which I guess I can buy, but people with OCD overcome their obsessions all the time, it's not an excuse to not do something, that's laziness and unwillingness to chance. Talking to new people is going to feel forced at first, but it'll get easier with time. Try hanging out with co-workers before or after work if you have a job, that should help get you started.

Also, in before declaration of Aspergers.

[Nate]

I am on meds for the anxiety(Note that my obsessions usually a lot more fear based). It just never had an effect on this area.

So you first claimed "I have OCD and am obsessive" when I said your selfish side was larger than it should be.

Now you say "Oh but it's never had an effect on this area."

So you made an excuse for your actions, then immediately turned around and nullified that excuse, which brings us right back to my first statement, that your selfish side is larger than it should be.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Completely agree with this assessment. You need to get out and start socializing with people, anyone really. Doesn't matter their gender, and the intent needs to be to just build your friend base (this has been said before). Yeah you say you have OCD with fear-based obsessions, which I guess I can buy, but people with OCD overcome their obsessions all the time, it's not an excuse to not do something, that's laziness and unwillingness to chance. Talking to new people is going to feel forced at first, but it'll get easier with time. Try hanging out with co-workers before or after work if you have a job, that should help get you started.

Also, in before declaration of Aspergers.

We all have our own challenges to overcome. Dothack perhaps your OCD and anxiety is your challenge to overcome. See them as an obstacle to win, not as a crutch that cripples you.

Remember this. You own your problems. They don't own you.

[dothackzero]

Dothack perhaps your OCD and anxiety is your challenge to overcome.

It is, and God will help me beat it. Though I do know I have selfish side, I'm just saying that's probably what most of you guys are seeing.

[Jingo Jaden]

It is, and God will help me beat it. Though I do know I havehttp://www.christiananime.net/newre ... &p=1557683 selfish side, I'm just saying that's probably what most of you guys are seeing.

Well, at least you did not attribute that to something other than your self, but let's set something straight, shall we?

Women, amazingly enough, are also people. People have preferences, and the kind of preference that speaks of them as if they were an object to be passed over, even by the big guy upstairs, is in short supply because it generally is demeaning. Saying you want a wife is aright, saying you're preparing yourself for a wife and God's going to hand her to you is creepy and would make a good base-line for a Stephen King novel. Now, I don't belittle your conditions, but you're clearly sentient, and you seem to brush aside all advice given on this thread by either re-directing it to said conditions, or going. "Ok, maybe I can be a bit selfish sometimes." That's neither OCD or Asberger, that's called insincerity. And this only serves to undermine not only your original purpose with this thread, it nullifies much value you can have with your life, and would most certainly be an uncomfortable issue, to face the throne of God with on judgement day.

So the next time you bring up some apology for the areas you fall short on, and the personality-based bits will come way before the social, I want to see something a bit longer than a one liner. I want to see some honesty, even if it is negative. If you feel apathetic towards all said advice, then that would be nice of you to at least do up front, so we don't have to go through the effort of helping you when that's something you shut down, which you've done so far in this thread, consistently. I don't believe you're entirely that hollow of a man, so for the time being, I will assume it is of your general interest to tag along. Now, the reason reflection is so important, and general emotion on matters like this, is because some of said pain can help you improve as a person. I was diagnosed with asberger 7 years ago, I'd NEVER be re-diagnosed by it today. Why? I started to love the concept of self-irony, I started to work on the areas I fell short on like the inherent inability to understand what was going on socially. Essentially, what remains of the diagnosis which made me very awkward for the majority of the life, is quirks, but that's not a game-killer.

Essentially, ignoring advice like the stuff you have gotten so far is very prideful or ignorant. Now, let's go forward in time say five years. Let's look at two different versions of you, and this is kind of what it boils down to in the end. You got version A, where you've made some progress, but still generally struggle socially because well, you're afraid of interaction and find it hard to make and maintain friendship. While you're perfectly aware of your shortcomings, the work you to to limit or eliminate it, has not been entirely effective, and in a sense, nothing has progressed. Now, if you look at version B, the story is entirely different. This is the version where you've continually pm'ed the people on this site, asking for their advice even in awkward situations going way beyond just wanting a future wife. You're gotten to the stage where you're part of a social club, or a gym of some short as well. This is the person who've done anything from travel long distances via public transport, which is a great social anxiety training, to the person who'd have no problem going into a pub, and order a beer. When you get to that stage, getting friends won't be problematic. And you'll find yourself in a position where you're getting ready to get a girlfriend, and trust me, you'll want one girlfriend before you even think about having a wife. Even things that seemed 'destined' has a tendency to go down the toilet, and heartbreak, it hurts something fierce. It can actively be like that for over two months, but in that situation, what does not kill you make you stronger, and more prepared for what is to come. Sharing a roof with another person for the rest of your life, is tough, and sometimes not even desirable when one looks at it.

If you wish to improve you'll need to take direct steps, and face the fears, and invest, and despite suffering while undergoing so, you're going to have to learn to laugh at it. You're also going to have to improve, and one thing you can do, which will aid you in every way, is actual physical training. It has as much of a physical reward, as a psychological reward, and it's fair to say women likes a man that takes care of himself too. And as mentioned previously, you're going to need active contact with someone who knows their respective field. And while some challenges will come by time itself, if you don't act brave sometimes and if you don't plan, then you're going to find yourself without purpose essentially, and that's also a bad plan.

In short. Wanting a wife so bad to ask God for charity is a worse idea than to become a man that's desirable to women. Work on it actively, and accepting to criticism. *Not just in agreeing with said issues, but reflecting, and actively working to surpass them* Will see you do well. Replying to this with a one-liner and you're going to have a bad time.

Anyhow, God bless.

[shooraijin]

Also, in before declaration of Aspergers.

While I think dothackzero has received much constructive analysis in this thread, and probably more than he wanted, we don't need to pile on.

[dothackzero]

So how do I become content while I'm actively waiting?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

So how do I become content while I'm actively waiting?

By focusing on healthier aspirations in life. Making yourself a better you for yourself (e.g. not any girl that may come along). Invest your time and energies in what you enjoy!

Find reasons for you to like who you are. Developing a sense of self-worth leads to being far more content in life.

[goldenspines]

So how do I become content while I'm actively waiting?

I suggest finding a hobby that you can invest your time towards. Do you like building things (wooden or metal)? Playing sports? Computers? Drawing? Writing? There are many different hobbies one can have and devote their free time towards. Like MSP said, find your interests (besides finding a wife) and pursue them.
And definitely take this time to not stress about the future, but instead trust God with it. If you do this, you'll be able to grow much stronger as a person, as well as strengthen your relationship with God; and discover more about yourself that you maybe would have never realized before.

[seaglass27]

I don't really believe that God picks people out for each other. Go have a look for yourself and see if there's anything you like.

And try not to propose on the first date.

[Tarnish]

I was waiting for the day CAA finally got an E/N section.