Women pursuing men

[Xeno]

This thread seems to keep returning to traditionalist vs non-traditionalist viewings on dating. Personally I'm in the non-traditionalist camp. I've got no qualms with chasing after a girl, but I'm also totally cool with her chasing me. I don't prescribe to the gender roles that have been more or less forced down my throat since I was a child (e.g., women are weaker, men must be able to do physically demanding labour, women only act emotionally, men only act rationally, women must be looked after and protected at all costs, men should be the one to "bring home the bacon", women should stay at home and raise the children, etc.). I'm not implying that falling into any of these gender roles is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be expected of everyone to do so. Differences in personalities, belief systems, and experiences shape ones outlook on things.

I have pursued and been pursued. Either way is acceptable in this day and age, I think that telling a girl/woman she should/must just restrain herself and act super modestly and just wait for her prince to notice her and save her from that torture is just plain ignorant. Sometimes the damsel in shining armour has to save the prince in distress, or two really awesome people meet and hit it off and neither is "pursuing" any more than the other.

[ShiroiHikari]

This thread seems to keep returning to traditionalist vs non-traditionalist viewings on dating. Personally I'm in the non-traditionalist camp. I've got no qualms with chasing after a girl, but I'm also totally cool with her chasing me. I don't prescribe to the gender roles that have been more or less forced down my throat since I was a child (e.g., women are weaker, men must be able to do physically demanding labour, women only act emotionally, men only act rationally, women must be looked after and protected at all costs, men should be the one to "bring home the bacon", women should stay at home and raise the children, etc.). I'm not implying that falling into any of these gender roles is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be expected of everyone to do so. Differences in personalities, belief systems, and experiences shape ones outlook on things.

I have pursued and been pursued. Either way is acceptable in this day and age, I think that telling a girl/woman she should/must just restrain herself and act super modestly and just wait for her prince to notice her and save her from that torture is just plain ignorant. Sometimes the damsel in shining armour has to save the prince in distress, or two really awesome people meet and hit it off and neither is "pursuing" any more than the other.

I agree completely and thank you for saying it. You worded it better than I could've, because my brain is herpderp lately.

[broly146]

I agree there

[steenajack]

This thread seems to keep returning to traditionalist vs non-traditionalist viewings on dating. Personally I'm in the non-traditionalist camp. I've got no qualms with chasing after a girl, but I'm also totally cool with her chasing me. I don't prescribe to the gender roles that have been more or less forced down my throat since I was a child (e.g., women are weaker, men must be able to do physically demanding labour, women only act emotionally, men only act rationally, women must be looked after and protected at all costs, men should be the one to "bring home the bacon", women should stay at home and raise the children, etc.). I'm not implying that falling into any of these gender roles is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be expected of everyone to do so. Differences in personalities, belief systems, and experiences shape ones outlook on things.

I have pursued and been pursued. Either way is acceptable in this day and age, I think that telling a girl/woman she should/must just restrain herself and act super modestly and just wait for her prince to notice her and save her from that torture is just plain ignorant. Sometimes the damsel in shining armour has to save the prince in distress, or two really awesome people meet and hit it off and neither is "pursuing" any more than the other.

This. I agree with this quite a bit.

My personal opinion? Everyone has their own personality, reguardless of their gender. Personally, I just like being persued because...well it just comes natural to me because of my personality. At the same time though, I wouldn't mind persuing someone if it ever came down to it.
No matter what though, one's personality comes naturally to them. From what I've seen, a lot of guys I know tend to pursue, and a lot of girls I know tend to be persued. At the same time though, I've heard of stories and have met people in which it was the reverse.
I'm reminded of something my driving teacher told me. Sometimes the seat has to be adjusted a certain way when there is a different driver. Then he told me about how most guys tend to have longer torsos and shorter legs, and it's the reverse for most girls. However, he also mentioned that it's not always the case. I figured maybe it was similar here. From what I've seen, it seems that most girls tend to like to be persued and most guys like to pursue...however, that's not always the case, sometimes it's the other way around. Different people are different, and the world is filled with many unique people. Just because is may seem like most guys tend to pursue, doesn't mean all guys are like that. And just because it seems like most girls like to be pursued, doesn't mean that they can't be the pursuer. And sometimes, it's an even amount of both. You never know these days. And I'll be honest, I've met girls and boys of all sorts of personality types. Heck, the woman I babysitt for proposed to her husband. So yeah, there are all kinds of different people out there.
Also, another certain stereotype I'd like to get out of the way: Just because certain people tend to act in certain ways that would be deemed traditionalist, doesn't mean that it's sexist. Again, different people are different, and we shouldn't degrade someone just because they act or do things differently than you. At least that's how I see it. ^^;

[broly146]

I agree with people having different personalities. I personally prefer to be pursued (I have mentioned why many times already).

[mechana2015]

[quote="steenajack (post: 1476497)"]
Also, another certain stereotype I'd like to get out of the way: Just because certain people tend to act in certain ways that would be deemed traditionalist, doesn't mean that it's sexist. Again, different people are different, and we shouldn't degrade someone just because they act or do things differently than you. At least that's how I see it. ^^]

I think that the issue people are having with a 'traditionalist' stance is that it is often touted as 'Gods way' or 'the Biblical way' which is essentially shorthand (to many people) for 'the only right and/or moral way'. If such rhetoric was avoided, most of this discussion probably wouldn't exist. Let's keep that in mind when we're talking here, and that touting one way or another as 'God's way' will most likely result in stronger reactions than one may expect.

[Davidizer13]

I think that the issue people are having with a 'traditionalist' stance is that it is often touted as 'Gods way' or 'the Biblical way' which is essentially shorthand (to many people) for 'the only right and/or moral way'. If such rhetoric was avoided, most of this discussion probably wouldn't exist. Let's keep that in mind when we're talking here, and that touting one way or another as 'God's way' will most likely result in stronger reactions than one may expect.

Galatians deals with pretty much this: turning relatively insignificant issues into a law of themselves, or expressing your opinion as "God's way" and using that to separate Christians into True Christians and the apostate rabble. Too easily, we can put our faith in the traditions and extra laws we've put on ourselves to look more Christian, rather than in Christ's grace.

Paul describes these extra conditions we can add to salvation as another gospel, and if we follow them because someone said you're not a True Christian unless you do something beyond faith in Christ, then Jesus' death is useless to us. If we could do something extra to be saved, Jesus' death would not be all-encompassing, and we could save ourselves. Sure, there are sins to avoid and signs of Christian growth that can become apparent, but last I checked, adherence to traditionalist gender roles is not one of the fruits of the Spirit.

[shooraijin]

If we could do something extra to be saved, Jesus' death would not be all-encompassing, and we could save ourselves.

So, this theology thing we're trying to avoid moving this thread into ...

[broly146]

I think theology is starting to slowly creep in -_-

[TopazRaven]

I don't think I have much to add here considering everything that could be said has pretty much been said already. None the less this has been a really interesting thread to follow. So many differeing opinions. Gets me thinking. So thank you CAA, you actually make me want to use my brain.

[shooraijin]

I think theology is starting to slowly creep in -_-

The point I'm trying to make is that there's a lot of good general information in here and I'd hate to maroon this thread on a specific issue. If people want to discuss the concept of gender roles and how they apply (or don't apply) w/r/t the Bible, I think that should be a separate thread in TD.

[Yuki-Anne]

Okay, I know I'm a couple of pages late on this post but there's a lot about it that bothered me.

Can you imagine the Church dominating of Christ?

Pursuit is not a synonym for domination in any dictionaries I'm aware of.

I view dating as way to find my husband. I'm not out for "fun" relationships, I'm not looking for something temporary.

...I don't believe anybody here expressed any opposed way of thinking. But, also, if you can't have fun in your relationship then it's kind of pointless to have it. I'm suddenly picturing you and your future husband as the couple in the American Gothic painting because you're not out for a fun relationship.

I want to be able to look my husband in the eye one day and tell him I saved all of me for him, not just bits and pieces of a broken heart shattered through meaningless relationships.

Why do you want to be able to say that? This, to me, seems more like a pride issue than anything else. Wouldn't it be more awesome to be able to look your husband in the eye and tell him that Jesus saved (and possibly restored the broken pieces of) all of you, and has now brought you to this point of your life where you can share yourself (all of you, including the parts of your personhood that have been affected, changed, and grown by heartbreak) with him? What's so horribly sinful about having a broken heart? I'm actually kind of grateful for the heartbreak I've experienced, because it's made me a better and more interesting person. I can identify with and understand others so much better than if I'd never been hurt at all.

Therefore I'm picky about the guy I'd date. If I'm supposed to marry someone, I know God knows who he is. I know if we're supposed to be together, God will find a way. He certainly doesn't need my help. Eric Ludy said it well. If God lined up a group of guys in front of me and said, "Go ahead and pick", I'd fall to my knees and say, "Lord, YOU pick!"

Just because I want to, let's examine this scenario for a second.

1. God lines up a group of guys in front of you and says, "Go ahead and pick." I'm going to make this its own separate item because holy wow, that's just kind of weird. If we reversed the gender on this scenario, it'd be so offensive. Why is it okay to do this with guys when it'd be really awful to do it with girls?

2. Poor guys. Don't they have any say in this? Who are they? What are their interests? What do THEY want in life? Don't you care to find out?

3. If God tells you to pick, isn't it kind of, oh, I don't know, REBELLION to say, "No, YOU pick!"? Maybe God is trying to teach you to investigate and value others for who they are, rather than how good they look in a line-up.

[Nate]

If God tells you to pick, isn't it kind of, oh, I don't know, REBELLION to say, "No, YOU pick!"?

That's something interesting I didn't think about. Like, let's say God tells me "Nate, I want you go to Japan and preach to people." People would say I'm rebelling/disobeying God if I said "No God, YOU go to Japan and preach to people!"

So why would it not be okay for me to tell God to go do something He told me to do in any other situation, but suddenly it's perfectly fine if God tells me to pick something from a group of choices? Doesn't really add up.

[Seto_Sora]

Back on topic... I'm a guy and I'm totally cool with women pursuing me. Yeah... that'd be awesome. ^_^ lol
More seriously, its true. I would have no problem with a young woman even expressing her feelings towards me. That would actually draw my attention to her more so than it probably already was. But the simple fact is, we guys like to think we are pursuing so she might find me "pursuing" her after that too. lol
But my experience is that I apparent can be too extravagant. Apparently its not a good idea to give a girl chocolates and flowers on your first Valentines day (she just dumps you the next day). And it isn't actually good to take her to a classical music concert on your first date... and pay for it. Also a bad idea. Actually, its a really bad idea to pay for anything like the meal or something. I don't know why but they seem to look down on this. So, uh, some advice here, what is appropriate for a first date?

SDG

[Radical Dreamer]

But my experience is that I apparent can be too extravagant. Apparently its not a good idea to give a girl chocolates and flowers on your first Valentines day (she just dumps you the next day). And it isn't actually good to take her to a classical music concert on your first date... and pay for it. Also a bad idea. Actually, its a really bad idea to pay for anything like the meal or something. I don't know why but they seem to look down on this. So, uh, some advice here, what is appropriate for a first date?

SDG

It's probably not so much about you paying for something as it is you paying for something really extravagant. XD If I were going on a first date with a guy, I might feel uncomfortable if he was spending a LOT of money on me on the very first date. It might make me feel uncomfortable, knowing that he was willing to spend so much, and I might feel like he was moving a little too fast or something, especially if I hadn't known him for very long. You might see it as showing her that you REALLY like her, but she might see it as "oh my gosh this guy likes me a LOT and this is only the first date; I feel like something more casual might be more comfortable."

That being said, I've never had a problem with a guy I was dating paying for my lunch or for dinner or something. That's just a polite gesture. I'm the sort that also doesn't have a problem with going dutch, but either way, I feel like a casual "hamburgers and a movie" on the first date is a lot more comfortable to a lot of girls than going to a classical concerto. XD

[Yuki-Anne]

That depends on the girl, really. It can be uncomfortable (at least for me) when the guy pays for everything.

And being really expensive on the first date does put a lot of pressure on your date.

[ShiroiHikari]

I guess if you spend too much on a first date it can kinda feel like you're trying to buy the other person's love.

[Yamamaya]

Okay, I know I'm a couple of pages late on this post but there's a lot about it that bothered me.



Pursuit is not a synonym for domination in any dictionaries I'm aware of.

You and me both. Pursuit is a neutral word. It does not imply any sort of domination. It simply means well chasing after something.

...I don't believe anybody here expressed any opposed way of thinking. But, also, if you can't have fun in your relationship then it's kind of pointless to have it. I'm suddenly picturing you and your future husband as the couple in the American Gothic painting because you're not out for a fun relationship.

Not to mention the fact that if you let your date know that you are measuring them up for marriage, that puts a lot of pressure on your date. It makes them feel like their every action is being scrutinized. In addition, you're supposed to have fun in your relationships. Being laid back helps the relationship run more smoothly. Otherwise you have what amounts to a meeting of suitors to determine if they are fit to marry to each other.

Why do you want to be able to say that? This, to me, seems more like a pride issue than anything else. Wouldn't it be more awesome to be able to look your husband in the eye and tell him that Jesus saved (and possibly restored the broken pieces of) all of you, and has now brought you to this point of your life where you can share yourself (all of you, including the parts of your personhood that have been affected, changed, and grown by heartbreak) with him? What's so horribly sinful about having a broken heart? I'm actually kind of grateful for the heartbreak I've experienced, because it's made me a better and more interesting person. I can identify with and understand others so much better than if I'd never been hurt at all.

That's a beautiful way to put it. I simply do not understand why people place such a huge importance on heartbreak. It's almost akin to the rather sexist idea that a girl who does not remain a virgin is damaged goods. Heartbreak is a natural part of life. Our hearts recover easier than we think. It's not like a piece of glass that can't be put back together when broken.

Just because I want to, let's examine this scenario for a second.

1. God lines up a group of guys in front of you and says, "Go ahead and pick." I'm going to make this its own separate item because holy wow, that's just kind of weird. If we reversed the gender on this scenario, it'd be so offensive. Why is it okay to do this with guys when it'd be really awful to do it with girls?

2. Poor guys. Don't they have any say in this? Who are they? What are their interests? What do THEY want in life? Don't you care to find out?

3. If God tells you to pick, isn't it kind of, oh, I don't know, REBELLION to say, "No, YOU pick!"? Maybe God is trying to teach you to investigate and value others for who they are, rather than how good they look in a line-up.

1. I was thinking the same thing. It reminds me of that one dictator in Africa who has virgin women line up and dance bare breasted before him to see which one impresses him enough to join his harem. It's very degrading.

2. They have no say in the matter. They will obey or be purged. DIE HERETIC DIE.

3. I would probably be too busy saying, "What is this, I don't even" to even make a decision if God lined up a whole group of women before me.

[ShiroiHikari]

I think we're forgetting that a heart can get broken by dealing with friends and family too, not just with lovers.

[Yuki-Anne]

I think we're forgetting that a heart can get broken by dealing with friends and family too, not just with lovers.

Sometimes even more so. If you get a crummy boyfriend, you can break up with him. If you have a crummy mother, there is no such option.

[Seto_Sora]

Ratz! Oh man. So what you ladies are kindly telling me is that the harder I try, the more likely I am going to fail. LOL Just joshing. Yeah, my problem seems that I really want to impress a girl that I like... but then again I don't actually ask a girl out unless I am pretty certain I am ready to go all out and marry that girl. I mean why else would I ask her out? LOL
OK but I've completely trashed my old approach at relationships. So I'm trying new things (by the way, I found that asking the girl at the Christian Bookstore out doesn't work either). Sooooo... I have an interesting question. Ladies, how should a guy go up to a girl and ask her out? And how would you ask a guy out if you were to pursue him?

SDG

[c.t.,girl]

oh man...why is this starting to look like the purity thread all over again? /facepalm

[Mr. SmartyPants]

This thread isn't fair to other lifestyles! What about men who want to pursue men, huh???? Or women who want to pursue women???? What? Do they pursue each other? O.o Do they pursue neither? I don't get it.

What about trannies?

Tomorrow I am gonna try to pursue some guys! I'll let you all know what I find out.

[Seto_Sora]

I'm just trying to look for advice and steer us vaguely back on topic. But I'm totally not into guys so I'll pass on any advice thereon.

SDG

[Yuki-Anne]

Tomorrow I am gonna try to pursue some guys! I'll let you all know what I find out.

I expect nothing less than the finest science from this.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I expect nothing less than the finest science from this.

I give you my word!

[Atria35]

Sooooo... I have an interesting question. Ladies, how should a guy go up to a girl and ask her out? And how would you ask a guy out if you were to pursue him?

SDG

My way of asking a guy out was 1) Meet him a few times under social circumstances (club, etc), talk a bit, see whether I liked his general personality. 2) Ask him out for coffee.

Since I've never been asked out myself, I suspect that at this point in my life I'd be too flustered/embarassed to say yes, sadly enough, so I can't give any advice on that front.

[shooraijin]

It can be uncomfortable (at least for me) when the guy pays for everything.

The flip side is that insisting on going dutch can make it sound like you're forcing the date to be casual (and can also give the impression you're not really interested or don't want things to proceed, though by the same token it's a great way -- no sarcasm here -- to imply it if you actually do want out; most guys who are not utter clods will get the picture).

[Sheenar]

Sometimes even more so. If you get a crummy boyfriend, you can break up with him. If you have a crummy mother, there is no such option.

Yeah. And it hurts so much more when it's family.

My family is part of the reason that people tend to terrify me/make me anxious --I am so desperate for approval/acceptance that I tend not to speak up or make my needs known --which is something that I am working on so that I can have healthy relationships (romantic and otherwise.)

[Yamamaya]

I give you my word!

[quote="shooraijin (post: 1476803)"]The flip side is that insisting on going dutch can make it sound like you're forcing the date to be casual (and can also give the impression you're not really interested or don't want things to proceed, though by the same token it's a great way -- no sarcasm here -- to imply it if you actually do want out]

So basically you can't win for loosing.

This is far too complicated.

I do know if I can find a girl who appreciates THIS, that would be pretty awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBsw_JlzIbs




That is good advice obviously. It's important to strike a happy middle in your dates, so you aren't blowing all your cash and you also don't give the appearance of not being interested by going dutch constantly.