Purity

[Nate]

I kiss friends and family ( not male friends though.)

But you DO kiss female friends. Hmm... ]But if she did think you were repulsive and unlovable, why would she be with you in the first place?[/QUOTE]
Practical joke. Extortion. Convenience. I've been part of practical jokes before where it's like "Hey we like you and we're going to ask you to hang out with us but only so we can insult you and make you feel worse!" Women aren't above that.

Or extortion. Maybe she wants to kill me and collect my life insurance policy so she has to try and marry me first so I'll name her in my will and then she'll collect the cash.

Convenience. She doesn't care about me but hey, taxes are lower for married couples and she's got bad credit so she needs me to get a house and it sure would be nice to have a guy take care of me even if I don't love him.

That may sound cynical and paranoid but I'm a paranoid type of person. I'm the guy who thinks someone is going to break into the house when my dog barks and that there's a tornado when the wind picks up.

I think, if you do love her, think that she loves you and you burn with desire, why not ask her to marry you?

Because asking a girl to marry you after knowing her for two weeks tends to come off as a bit creepy. :p

[Hansha]

not like that! XD

and it's probably extortion....and wanting to be on the next episode of Snapped. People will do anything to get on T.V.

[Htom Sirveaux]

If a woman didn't want to kiss me, I wouldn't be offended as long as she told me why. If she says she just wants to save her first kiss, I don't see any reason wy she'd be lying to me.

As to the matter of sex, I'm saving that one for the wedding night as well. As I've said before, sex is not only extremely risky, bit it's the ultimate human expression of love, trust and intimacy. You cannot be more vulnerable in more ways than you are then. If I was engaged to a woman and we were sexually active, and then the engagement would for X reason be broken off, I would regret having made love with her before we were officially sharing a life together.

Go ahead and pick that one apart if you want to, but I stand by it.

[Makachop^^128]

I think if its what you think God wants then go for it

I've already kissed a guy and stuff... so yea v.v lol

As to the matter of sex, I'm saving that one for the wedding night as well. As I've said before, sex is not only extremely risky, bit it's the ultimate human expression of love, trust and intimacy. You cannot be more vulnerable in more ways than you are then. If I was engaged to a woman and we were sexually active, and then the engagement would for X reason be broken off, I would regret having made love with her before we were officially sharing a life together.

Definatly agree with you there. I'm saving that I also think sex before marriage is kinda selfish...idk it seems like it would complicate things and I'd never want to put more stress on my boyfriend just for that.

[Shao Feng-Li]

Practical joke. Extortion. Convenience. I've been part of practical jokes before where it's like "Hey we like you and we're going to ask you to hang out with us but only so we can insult you and make you feel worse!" Women aren't above that.

Or extortion. Maybe she wants to kill me and collect my life insurance policy so she has to try and marry me first so I'll name her in my will and then she'll collect the cash.

Convenience. She doesn't care about me but hey, taxes are lower for married couples and she's got bad credit so she needs me to get a house and it sure would be nice to have a guy take care of me even if I don't love him.

That may sound cynical and paranoid but I'm a paranoid type of person. I'm the guy who thinks someone is going to break into the house when my dog barks and that there's a tornado when the wind picks up.

Then wouldn't intimacy just make it all the worse if that happens? Women also aren't above using intimacy to give a false sense of security, lol

Because asking a girl to marry you after knowing her for two weeks tends to come off as a bit creepy. :p

You mentioned after a year or so, so that's what I was going with XD

[Mr. SmartyPants]

They're good goals to set. Just don't beat yourself down if you cross your boundaries. They're easy goals to set, sure. But once the opportunity arises, it's extremely difficult to maintain them.

Above all things, respect yourself too.

[TopazRaven]

I'm the guy who thinks someone is going to break into the house when my dog barks and that there's a tornado when the wind picks up.

You aren't alone there, that's so me. I pretty much want to hide in my closet every time there is a thunderstorm to because I'm afraid I'll get struck by lightning.

[Nate]

Then wouldn't intimacy just make it all the worse if that happens? Women also aren't above using intimacy to give a false sense of security, lol

Well then I'd rather be lied to convincingly than unconvincingly. :p

You mentioned after a year or so, so that's what I was going with XD

Oh I was just using a generic time frame. XD I was kind of just saying "Okay if you won't kiss me by THIS point then what the crap." Like I said I'd rather kiss on the second or third date but to me it's like if we've been together for a couple of weeks and you actually think I'm worth dating, I want to see proof of that, and a kiss is proof enough for me.

[Okami]

They're good goals to set. Just don't beat yourself down if you cross your boundaries. They're easy goals to set, sure. But once the opportunity arises, it's extremely difficult to maintain them.

Above all things, respect yourself too.

This is how I feel about it. Even in my celibacy I've learned to set appropriate goals, but being accepting if it doesn't always go as I plan. Self-respect is a major factor, one I think we should always keep in mind, especially on the topic of purity.

[Shao Feng-Li]

Well then I'd rather be lied to convincingly than unconvincingly. :p

Lol, ok XD

Oh I was just using a generic time frame. XD I was kind of just saying "Okay if you won't kiss me by THIS point then what the crap." Like I said I'd rather kiss on the second or third date but to me it's like if we've been together for a couple of weeks and you actually think I'm worth dating, I want to see proof of that, and a kiss is proof enough for me.

Yeah, I get what you mean. For the record, I do know what people can control themselves and limit themselves to you know, just a kiss.

But do know that not all the girls out there who won't kiss until marriage dislike you. Some of us are just so convicted You know, it's such a foreign concept to me that people would play with a person's heart like that- setting them up for jokes and what not. I can't imagine ever doing that to anyone. It's just disgusting. (I can't even imagine having a relationship of any kind, but whatever :B) Sometimes I wonder if I'm for a life of a spinster. *ahem*

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

If you make rules for your relationship, stick to them. I think they should be worked out between you, your partner and God. Joshua Harris-types shouldn't enter the picture. Sorry, that guy annoys me.

I believe only married people should have sex. I understand it would be a tough decision to make but I believe it's the right one. I would want to have known the person for some time before I proposed and then got married. I don't think I could leave kissing until the wedding day. Holding hands, hugs, personal conversations would all be par for the course. That said, I am and have always been single, so it's easy to say one thing. It's another thing to live it.

Shao, sadly there are lots of manipulative men and women out in the world.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

This is how I feel about it. Even in my celibacy I've learned to set appropriate goals, but being accepting if it doesn't always go as I plan. Self-respect is a major factor, one I think we should always keep in mind, especially on the topic of purity.

I think it's a safe statement to say that the likelihood of you maintaining your boundaries is low if you don't respect yourself.

In relationships where there are people without much self-respect, your validity and importance as a person is put in how someone else sees you. When this happens, you end up being submissive to their decisions so you can feel valued.

I would venture to say that self-respect is perhaps the most important factor when it comes to healthy relationships in general.

[Yuki-Anne]

I've kissed. And even though the relationship failed, I'd do it again. Because it's awesome. And it didn't really have that much to do with my emotional involvement with the guy. When we broke up, I didn't regret kissing him. What I regretted was being clingy and immature. The reasons for the relationship's failure had nothing to do with kissing, and how much it hurt when it failed also had nothing to do with kissing. Because physical involvement =/= intimacy. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/intimate

I have the classic boundaries: no sex before marriage, and you keep your hands from wandering, mister. Other than that... I dunno, relationships are so much more complex than laying down a list of expectations. I used to have the whole list of qualities I was looking for, and then I realized that only God is capable of creation. I'm sick of creating some ideal person in my head who doesn't exist. So I ditched the list and I just have a set of flexible preferences now. The only real and unbreakable rule is that he must be following Jesus to the best of his ability.

Personally, I can't imagine marrying somebody I've never kissed. That would be too weird.

[aliveinHim]

I've kissed my daddy and my brothers when I was little (but family doesn't count). I kiss babies and little boys on the forehead or the cheek. But those dont count.

I give hugs to guys who I don't have crushes on. I'm definately a huggy type person but I do it out of a friendly thing (also because I'm part hispanic so I see it as a cultural thing). I think if a couple is dating, they can hold hands or give long hugs. Kissing is a lot more intimate than holding hands or hugging because you only kiss people who you are attracted to. You don't kiss random girl/guy friends on the lips (yuk).

[TheSubtleDoctor]

For what it's worth, I had been physically intimate (to be clear, this doesn't mean sex) with girls before I met my wife, and we have a fantastic marriage. There isn't lamenting or regret on either of our parts. Though I was her first boyfriend, she has always been fine with the fact that I have history in the area in question, and it's never been a source of tension in our marriage. I am not thinking about holding Girl X's hand when I hold my wife's hand (literally, this is the first time this has crossed my mind) b/c who is that other girl? This is my wife, the love of my life, I am with.

So, essentially I am just echoing shiroi here. The pre-marriage kissing/non-kissing (or hand-holding) divide is not equivalnet to the lame, flat, dull marriage/awesome, happy, exciting marriage divide. This, however, does not mean I am putting you down =).

[aliveinHim]

I'm that type of person who always looks back at past events which I thought were wonderful. I have a hard time forgetting certain things and I don't want past relationships be something I remember.

[Nami]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

I wear a purity ring to remind myself. I know that God has the special guy planned for me. I have my list of qualities I want in a guy.

1.) He must love God first and foremost.
2.) He must love me.
3.) He must love our family.
4.) He must love the church.
5.) He can be an otaku .

What do you all think?

Are we related? Because...those are my standards too!! D: AHAHAH! That is so weird.

The qualities are the same except 5, Otaku's are weird >>;; I've seen dude Otaku's and its not pretty XD

However, I don't mind him being a little nutsy, I need someone who will continue to inspire me, I think about some people and go; "Nope, I'd be bored." XD I need RANDOM! Not... "ok lets do the same thing today." XD someone who can stay with my insanity! :3

Like George or Fred Weasley! XD Someone who knows how to have fun.

[Radical Dreamer]

I have the classic boundaries: no sex before marriage, and you keep your hands from wandering, mister. Other than that... I dunno, relationships are so much more complex than laying down a list of expectations. I used to have the whole list of qualities I was looking for, and then I realized that only God is capable of creation. I'm sick of creating some ideal person in my head who doesn't exist. So I ditched the list and I just have a set of flexible preferences now. The only real and unbreakable rule is that he must be following Jesus to the best of his ability.

Personally, I can't imagine marrying somebody I've never kissed. That would be too weird.

At first I was like, "maybe I'll make a post in this thread!" and then I saw this post and was like "actually it looks like I already did!" XDD This describes my opinion to a T. XD

[Nami]

I have the classic boundaries: no sex before marriage, and you keep your hands from wandering, mister. Other than that... I dunno, relationships are so much more complex than laying down a list of expectations. I used to have the whole list of qualities I was looking for, and then I realized that only God is capable of creation. I'm sick of creating some ideal person in my head who doesn't exist. So I ditched the list and I just have a set of flexible preferences now. The only real and unbreakable rule is that he must be following Jesus to the best of his ability.

Personally, I can't imagine marrying somebody I've never kissed. That would be too weird.

I must actually agree with this, God only knows who is best for me, so I'll let Him choose. ^_^

[aliveinHim]

[quote="Nami (post: 1460611)"]Are we related? Because...those are my standards too!! D: AHAHAH! That is so weird.

The qualities are the same except 5, Otaku's are weird >>]

Wow! It's so cool to see others with my same standards. A full out otaku is weird, so I'll just stick to a guy who likes anime like me. A guy who wants to cosplay with me would also be nice. I want to marry a fun guy to but not one who's not to crazy.

[Nami]

Wow! It's so cool to see others with my same standards. A full out otaku is weird, so I'll just stick to a guy who likes anime like me. A guy who wants to cosplay with me would also be nice. I want to marry a fun guy to but not one who's not to crazy.

Yesh! its nice to see. Ahaha. I wouldn't mind a guy who cosplays with me, though I rarely do, I love looking at cool cosplayers. Not literally crazy, but tons of fun. Because insane things don't happen to me, I make insane things happen to other people XD

[aliveinHim]

I just do closet cosplays. I'm not walking around in a bikini top and micro skirt. I want a guy who love me for who I am rather than what I look like. I'm a pretty insane person.

[Nami]

I think we all want that. A person to love us for who we are on the inside. ^_^

[Yamamaya]

I've noticed this tends to be a bigger issue with girls than guys. Maybe it's that romantic tendency that tends to be stronger in some females.

Needless to say I have a few problems with the no kissing rule as well as courting in general.

For one, if you have no physical contact at all with your significant other, what's to separate your relationship from just another close friendship?

Secondly, couldn't a lack of physical contact in a relationship lead to an awkward physical relationship in marriage? I'm sure some can definitely attest to this.

Let me say that I have no problem with people deciding to go with the no kissing and/or no physical contact rule, and with only deciding to court. But keep in mind that this mindset can scare away a lot of guys. It can give off a standoffish or hard to get appearance. For example I tend not to pursue the girls who I know only want to court/no physical contact because I know that any attempt to pursue them would become extremely awkward and more likely than not would wind up with me getting rejected.

My next issue is with courting itself. I think it's wrong to think of people as means to an end. Courting takes the relationship and turns it into just a way to find a husband/wife. It puts a ton of pressure on those involved. IMO, you should figure out if you're compatible with this person and whether or not you actually "like" them before even thinking about marriage. Dating is as much about discovery as it is about finding a life partner.

Oh yeah, that book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I find absolutely atrocious and unrealistic. But that's another topic.



[quote="Nate (post: 1460505)"]But you DO kiss female friends. Hmm... ]

[Syreth]

Like others have said, more power to you. It's totally up to you to pursue and keep your own convictions. But since you asked what we think, I'll give you a more complete response

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.

There are a few couples at my church who never kissed anyone except their spouses. Those people are the happiest married couples I've ever seen.

I don't see any connection at all between healthy marriages and saving the first kiss until the wedding day. The folks at Prepare and Enrich (Christian marriage experts who have developed some of the most widely used premarital counseling curriculum) will tell you that the quality of a marriage - or any relationship - has more to do with relationship skills such as conflict resolution and active listening rather than secondary issues like kissing. The decision to abstain from kissing until marriage does not grant you magical powers from God to ensure a happy marriage, like many Christians seem to think.

There are two young couples that I know who saved their first kiss until marriage. One of the couples is actually quite miserable. The other couple is pretty happy, but the happy couple will admit that their marital satisfaction has nothing to do with their following a strict rule about kissing.

The other example I can think of is my brother, who saved his first kiss until his wedding day. They divorced almost ten years later.

3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.

Have you read anything by Joshua Harris, by chance? Just curious.

The other convictions you have about purity are pretty solid, in my opinion - not that my opinion matters, really. I'd just encourage you to continue to follow your own convictions as you have. Thanks for asking for input.

[Nate]

[Yamamaya]

As a girl and all, I would give a guy the time of day if I thought he was hideous and what not. I don't think that's shallow though.

This just in, Shao gives guys she finds hideous the time of day.

Sorry I couldn't resist the delicious typo.

[Nate]

That explains why she told me the time of day yesterday.

[Yamamaya]

That explains why she told me the time of day yesterday.

[Okami]

I think it's a safe statement to say that the likelihood of you maintaining your boundaries is low if you don't respect yourself.

In relationships where there are people without much self-respect, your validity and importance as a person is put in how someone else sees you. When this happens, you end up being submissive to their decisions so you can feel valued.

I would venture to say that self-respect is perhaps the most important factor when it comes to healthy relationships in general.

I have seen many relationships turn out submissive and abusive due to one member or the other (typically the female) becoming so dependent on the other person that they would do anything to get their attention...and usually that's when things deteriorate and go down the drain. It can happen between friends and accountability partners, too]Oh yeah, that book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I find absolutely atrocious and unrealistic. But that's another topic.[/QUOTE]

That's how I feel about "Every Young Woman's Battle." It had its good points, but part of me is wondering WHY I haven't burned it yet. But alas, that is also another topic.