Just wanted to say sorry.

[Aedin]

Because you clearly haven't given it a single serious effort, which must mean that you don't really want to die. Which is probably a good thing. If you don't (want to) hold onto anything else, hold onto that.

Don't say clearly. You don't know. It's people always making assumptions like that for no reason that make me leave for months at a time, and why I"m gonna have my account banned so I can't come back.

[Aedin]

Aedin. I think what frustrates most of us is how unnecessarily hard you are on yourself. I know it's hard, but give yourself a break, and just know that you're not alone. *hugs*

You honestly may be right. All I know, though, is that is not at aLl what I've seen. M aybe I'm wrong.

[Aedin]

Aedin... look around. Where are your accusers? It's been months, nobody's been getting on your case. I'm sorry that happened to you, but you're holding on to this hurt and making this generalization that because a few people hurt you, everybody feels the same way. You can't keep letting yourself do that. It's not true, and you're making things worse for yourself in your own head. Some of us have been nothing but supportive, and that's not changing any time soon. I'm praying for you, Aedin. Right now.

Noone's been on my case cause I haven't been around for months.

You're right, I am holding onto the hurt. I'm holding onto it because I don't know how to let go, and I kee raying, but nothing hapens. I make the generalization, because that's what life has shown me life is like. I want to let all this go, but I don't know how to, I Keep praying, nothing changes, I read Christian books about forgiveness, nothing helps. I have one friend, the only Christian I know who I truly trust. She says that God ltold her all my problems are because I'm plagued by demons. To think some people on this either got **** at me, or insulted me, or mocked me, simply because I'm being spiritually attacked. Another reason I left Christianity. Thinking about switching to Judaism. This all wouldn't be so bad though, if the people who hurt me, at least some of them, actually show signs of caring at all. Most of the people responding in this thread, have never hurt me at all. The ones who have hurt me, avoid my threads or posts, either cause they think I"m pathetic, or they don't care what they did or how deeply they hurt me and helped mess my life up, so they think I"m whining.

Lastly, you're right. Some people here have been nothing but supportive. I'm just terrified that as soon as I Start really trying to be friends with them, things will change and they'll be mean too. I've had a coule best friends who just left out of nowhere, and I've met a couple people on this site, who seemed to be nothing but supportive. Once I started getting to know them though, I realized they weren't at all who I thought, and I Deeply regret ever meeting them.

[Aedin]

And if people actually show an interest in knowing me and understanding me, I'll expand more on the bad things that happened, and my parts in them. Because I know some peole on this site misunderstood me a lot of times, and I have no problem with that. My problem was they never seemed to want to listen or understand, that everytime I tried to clear the misunderstanding up, at least a few of them would say I wAs just making excuses, which just isn't true.

[Midori]

God is calling you, Aedin. Listen.

[Aedin]

Calling me how? I just don't get it. I'm so tired of being attacked and not being able to defend myself. I'm tired of the bad people acting like they're so much better. Why is it that the people who always tell you to look to God, always try their hardest to turn you from him?

My life was shattered, my future and my hope was shattered. I came here for support, someone in one of my topics told me to shut up. I, understandably upset, said if she didn't want to help, why is she in my topic. Then someone else attacked me for that? Neither of those people have said sorry or acknowledged the possibility they did anything wrong. It wouldn't be so bad if that kind of thing was restricted to this site, but every Christian site, or church, I go to ends up being the same.

Now I remember what else I wanted to say. Most of the reason this all hurts so much, is I wanted two things from this site. Love and acceptance. Now I'm pretty sure neither of those will ever come from anywhere. Then after all the problems happened, I wanted three other things. Closure, reconciliation, and hopefully healing. The problem is, it's too late for the first two now. There's been too much, I'll never have closure or reconciliation. The people who hurt me so bad will never care, and I'll never be able to make them care. and I'm doubting that any healing will ever come.

[Sparx00]

Y'know Aedin, when somebody offers you help, they should be offering to listen not only to the positive but to the negative parts of your life as well. As far as sources of help on this website goes, the people here are just about as good as they come. But it kinda sounds to me like you're not really giving them a chance. Whats up with not excepting help when it's given to you?

I know you have trust issues, and I know you as a person can be quite repetitive when you need to talk things out but, there's some things you just can't keep dancing around.

I'm sorry if I'm not helping but point blank, these people are trying to help you out as best as they can. But you're not making it easy for them. Just accept the help. I don't care about your trust issues, just accept the help. Because you'll never get anywhere unless you learn to trust again.

I'll offer you mine, but you have to accept it. Okay? PM me about what's going on.

[Davidizer13]

And you're right, I'm too damaged to hear that I"m loved. I'm too damaged to hear God. I'mm too screwed u to serve God or hel his plan, to bring others to Christ. I never wanted to be this screwed up, but I can't help but feel God's massively disappointed in me anyway. I"m doing my best, but my best has never been good enough for anyone.

Ah, but that's what Christianity is, Aedin. On my own, I am a dead man, doomed to die in slavery to my sins and my useless state. I am worthless to God, and headed for separation with him. But God has shown this irrational, unlimited love to all humanity by sending Jesus to rescue us while we still useless to Him, while we rebelled against Him, choosing to go our own foolish ways and turn against God. Through Jesus, you've been bought from the slavery that will lead to your destruction! You've been rescued from that and made useful to God.

It doesn't matter if you feel you're useful to God or not right now - He will take you where you are right now and shape you to be ready to do whatever you were made to do. You'll be filled with that same infinite love. All you have to do is ask God for it.

I've been praying for you, man. I know you've been burned by Christians before. Truth is, sometimes Christians can be just as stupid and hateful as people who don't have the love of God in them. It makes me sick, knowing that people out there who claim to be representing Jesus to the world have acted even worse than those who aren't, especially because I've failed in that area too, over and over again. It's a reminder that God's not done with me or anyone else yet, I guess.

So...yeah. Don't give up yet, 'cause God's still got plans for you still.

[Aedin]

And now I'm crying. I have no hope. Why would God let this happen. I want to die so badly. Please God just let me die.

[Aedin]

Y'know Aedin, when somebody offers you help, they should be offering to listen not only to the positive but to the negative parts of your life as well. As far as sources of help on this website goes, the people here are just about as good as they come. But it kinda sounds to me like you're not really giving them a chance. Whats up with not excepting help when it's given to you?

I know you have trust issues, and I know you as a person can be quite repetitive when you need to talk things out but, there's some things you just can't keep dancing around.

I'm sorry if I'm not helping but point blank, these people are trying to help you out as best as they can. But you're not making it easy for them. Just accept the help. I don't care about your trust issues, just accept the help. Because you'll never get anywhere unless you learn to trust again.

I'll offer you mine, but you have to accept it. Okay? PM me about what's going on.

You're right, they should be offering to listen to the good and the bad. Unfortunately barely anyone ever does.

If it sounds like I'm not giving them a chance, it's because I'm terrified of being hurt and betrayed. If I don't accept help from someone, it's either cause I'm too scared to trust, or because I have enough history with them to know they don't truly want to help, they're just saying it.

"I know you have trust issues, and I know you as a person can be quite repetitive when you need to talk things out but, there's some things you just can't keep dancing around." I honestly don't understand what you mean by that. I know I used to be really repetitive, but that part of me has changed thank God, unless something's really bothering me. I don't know exactly what you mean by "some things you just can't keep dancing around" though. I never dance around things. Whenever I'm repetitive, it's because that's what I need to do to get things out and get over them. I was never dancing around stuff.

"I'm sorry if I'm not helping but point blank, these people are trying to help you out as best as they can. But you're not making it easy for them. Just accept the help. I don't care about your trust issues, just accept the help. Because you'll never get anywhere unless you learn to trust again."

That's the thing. I'm so screwed up, from so many things, my depression, my learning disorder, my abuse I can't tell when people are trying to help. And there's been so many times where someone hurt my feelings, and I tried to talk about it and clear it up, in a non-accusatory way, and then they just freaked out and insulted me, so I'm terrified of basically everything. I don't know how to accept help anymore.

That's part of why all this hurts so much. I'ts too late for me, I'll never heal, I'll never have closure or reconciliation. Also tonight I found out a lot more info than I wish I knew. I found out why my ex left me. It was all a simple misunderstanding, and I can't fix it. I hate myself for not preventing it. I hate that I always screw everything up. I hate that I'm so impossible to deal with and noone will really ever love me. God, please kill me tonight. I Don't want to live anymore, I'm too screwed up, I have no hope. People can't stand me, I'm so screwed, I can't take it. I thought I was gonna ask a mod to ban my account so I can't come up. With this extra info tonight, plans have changed. If you don't see me around for a while, it's not cause I'm banned. It's because I'm in a coma.

[Aedin]

Ah, but that's what Christianity is, Aedin. On my own, I am a dead man, doomed to die in slavery to my sins and my useless state. I am worthless to God, and headed for separation with him. But God has shown this irrational, unlimited love to all humanity by sending Jesus to rescue us while we still useless to Him, while we rebelled against Him, choosing to go our own foolish ways and turn against God. Through Jesus, you've been bought from the slavery that will lead to your destruction! You've been rescued from that and made useful to God.

It doesn't matter if you feel you're useful to God or not right now - He will take you where you are right now and shape you to be ready to do whatever you were made to do. You'll be filled with that same infinite love. All you have to do is ask God for it.

I've been praying for you, man. I know you've been burned by Christians before. Truth is, sometimes Christians can be just as stupid and hateful as people who don't have the love of God in them. It makes me sick, knowing that people out there who claim to be representing Jesus to the world have acted even worse than those who aren't, especially because I've failed in that area too, over and over again. It's a reminder that God's not done with me or anyone else yet, I guess.

So...yeah. Don't give up yet, 'cause God's still got plans for you still.

"Through Jesus, you've been bought from the slavery that will lead to your destruction! You've been rescued from that and made useful to God."

But the Bible says all that stuff about if you can't love your brother, you can't love God. And obviously, if you don't love God, you don't go to Heaven. I've been so screwed up, by so many kinds of people, Christians and non-Christians alike, that I honestly can't love anymore. Which means I can't love God. Which means I'm screwed and going to hell.

"It doesn't matter if you feel you're useful to God or not right now - He will take you where you are right now and shape you to be ready to do whatever you were made to do. You'll be filled with that same infinite love. All you have to do is ask God for it."

I can't help people with their faith, I can't lead new people to Christ, everyone who gets to know me gets sick of me and leaves. What possible use could I be?

And to everyone else, if I don't come back, I'm sorry for all the stupid stuff I've accidentally caused.

[Kunoichi]

I'm never going to a hospital. There's enough people in the world who think people like me are worthless freaks to be shunned and avoided, if I went to a mental hospital, that would only get worse. And you're right, I'm too damaged to hear that I"m loved. I'm too damaged to hear God. I'mm too screwed u to serve God or hel his plan, to bring others to Christ. I never wanted to be this screwed up, but I can't help but feel God's massively disappointed in me anyway. I"m doing my best, but my best has never been good enough for anyone.

You can share your thoughts if you want.

I just want to make it clear I never said you were damaged hun. You know I went through 20 years of abuse, from people who were supposed to love me (such as a sexually abusive father and a neglectful mother, the father guardian who raped me etc), you KNOW I get this. I truly do not feel that you are worthless or a freak.

I don't know if you have ever been to a mental hospital, but it was the best experience I had for my recovery and I went twice. I'm not ashamed that I had to get help for an illness that was beyond my capability.

And hun, you aren't too screwed up to serve God. God uses people like you and me every day. He used them in the Bible too (Paul committed mass murders and tortures of Christians for instance, Moses was a murderer and couldn't speak well, Daniel was a adulterer, murderer etc). I think the point is that God is powerful enough to even use the "weak" ones.

I will keep praying for you Aedin. I wish I could convince you that you are a worthy human being worthy of love. I know what its like to be disappointed and hurt and sometimes forgiveness (even if they don't say they are sorry) is one of the most freeing things you can do.

I've not always been a great friend or person, I'll freely admit that. I hope I've always shown Christ love to you when we have talked. I really hope you don't give up Aedin...because whether you can feel it or believe it or not hun, God and many people on this site, including myself, haven't given up on you.

I haven't been on Yahoo mostly due to only being conscious for short periods of time during the day. Unfortunately I'm really sick right now and I'm doing what I can. I hope you don't take that personally and I can only pray you know I still and always will care about you

*hugs* love you

Kelly (Kuno)

[Okami]

Aedin, oftentimes God will work through silence. Which may be why your prayers continue to go unanswered. Through this silence He is preparing you for something greater, perhaps something unfathomable. Take the Israelites, God allowed them to be enslaved for four hundred years by the Egyptians. Through this time of trial for the Israelites, God was preparing for them the Promised Land, which they would one day clear out and take over. This also shows humanity's attempt to improvise on God's plan, because they didn't clear the land out entirely. They allowed some people to live, and as a result, things got messier as the Biblical story continues on. These neighbors to the Israelites brought with them their customs and religions and idols and gods, which made it extremely difficult for the Israelites to worship God in the terms that He had given them (Torah, which is the Law given to them by Moses from God) Oftentimes, the Israelites would mix the world's religions with their own, such as Baalism (where Baal sits on top of a bull, the Israelites created an altar of a calf to be their place of worship, for example) Christians are the "continuation" of Israel, and you've seen it for yourself that Christians today do this same thing, worshiping God not in the terms He's given, but through the ways of the world. Which ultimately messes our witness, and people see us as selfish frauds. Continuing the Biblical story, before the coming of the Messiah, there is an intertestimental period of four hundred years. (The period of time between Malachi and Matthew)

In both of these examples we see four hundred years before something great was going to happen. The first time around, the Israelites were getting ready to have their own land; the second time around, the Israelites were getting ready for their Messiah's coming. A friend recently hit on this with me, asking me "What if God is putting you through forty years of silence? Will you be faithful until He brings you into better days?" I pray daily that my response in every day will be "Yes, I will be faithful, Lord."

Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." You said you're tired of people being fake and dishonest and selfish and lying, especially Christians. You're sick of them not caring and not being like Jesus. Perhaps the biggest answer to prayer in your healing is that God is sending you out and telling you to go. I once said the same thing of Christians, Aedin. And that's when God grabbed my attention through a friend and said "Hey, maybe you should go be Jesus and show those people how they ought to behave." I'm not perfect, and I'm working heavily on some perversions in my life, but the more I'm refined by the fire, the more and more I am exhausted and distressed by the pain of this world, and the more I want to fix what's broken.

With gentle love,
Okami

[goldenspines]

I appreciate what you're trying to say, but you haven't seen all the PMs where people have said they've given up on me. If you really want, and if you promise to listen to me and let me explain and acknowledge I may be right (too used to so many people on this site basically saying I'm wrong abut everything, and then insulting me for it) I can give you some examles of what I mean.

If I didn't want to see both sides of the story, I would not have asked. I have not seen all these PMs sent to you, thus, if they are troubling you, I and the rest of the CAA staff want to know about it so we can correct the issue. I would appreciate all the PMs if possible (for context reasons), not just a few examples. Forward them to me from your PM inbox if/when you feel ready to.


I and the other moderators strive to keep peace on the site, but we can't see everything. Therefore, we count on members to report if they or anyone they know on CAA are being harassed either on the board or over PM.

[TopazRaven]

You're right, they should be offering to listen to the good and the bad. Unfortunately barely anyone ever does.

If it sounds like I'm not giving them a chance, it's because I'm terrified of being hurt and betrayed. If I don't accept help from someone, it's either cause I'm too scared to trust, or because I have enough history with them to know they don't truly want to help, they're just saying it.

"I know you have trust issues, and I know you as a person can be quite repetitive when you need to talk things out but, there's some things you just can't keep dancing around." I honestly don't understand what you mean by that. I know I used to be really repetitive, but that part of me has changed thank God, unless something's really bothering me. I don't know exactly what you mean by "some things you just can't keep dancing around" though. I never dance around things. Whenever I'm repetitive, it's because that's what I need to do to get things out and get over them. I was never dancing around stuff.

"I'm sorry if I'm not helping but point blank, these people are trying to help you out as best as they can. But you're not making it easy for them. Just accept the help. I don't care about your trust issues, just accept the help. Because you'll never get anywhere unless you learn to trust again."

That's the thing. I'm so screwed up, from so many things, my depression, my learning disorder, my abuse I can't tell when people are trying to help. And there's been so many times where someone hurt my feelings, and I tried to talk about it and clear it up, in a non-accusatory way, and then they just freaked out and insulted me, so I'm terrified of basically everything. I don't know how to accept help anymore.

That's part of why all this hurts so much. I'ts too late for me, I'll never heal, I'll never have closure or reconciliation. Also tonight I found out a lot more info than I wish I knew. I found out why my ex left me. It was all a simple misunderstanding, and I can't fix it. I hate myself for not preventing it. I hate that I always screw everything up. I hate that I'm so impossible to deal with and noone will really ever love me. God, please kill me tonight. I Don't want to live anymore, I'm too screwed up, I have no hope. People can't stand me, I'm so screwed, I can't take it. I thought I was gonna ask a mod to ban my account so I can't come up. With this extra info tonight, plans have changed. If you don't see me around for a while, it's not cause I'm banned. It's because I'm in a coma.

Aw, sweetie, please don't do something like that to yourself! I know I'm rather late in this thread, but I feel the need to say something, anything! I've never been abused or neglected in any way, I've never been in love and had my heart broken, so I can't say that I know how you feel on that matter. I know it seems hard, but you have to hang on! It might not seem like it now when you are hurting so bad, but the future can hold wonderful things. I know you've been hearing this throughout the whole thread, but I really am going to suggest signing yourself into a hospital. As much as everyone on CAA may try, we can only help you to a certain point. You need people around you and in your life. They are the one's that are going to make the most difference and please trust me when I say there are people out there who help people who are hurting like you everyday! I know a person who attempted suicide when she was only 14. She was sent to a rehabilitation hospital and when she came back I couldn't believe how much they'd helped her!

In a way, I am a little like you in least. I have some serious trust issues, I'm depressed, I have a learning disability and I don't forgive easily. God still loves you though! He sees your pain and he knows why you feel the way you do. He won't blame you! It might not seem like it, but he will always want the best for you. Even if you can't feel him right now, he's always there watching over you! I really wish I could just give you a big hug right now! Healing can be a very very slow process, but for that process to even begin it needs to start! It doesn't sound as if it's begun at all in your case yet. This is why you need to let people in your life, let them help you! I know it's hard, especially when you are afraid someone will only hurt you, but not all humans are like that. There are some people in this world who would love nothing more then to help others. You included. Have faith dear one, anyone can be saved. To have lasted as long as you have with all this pain you are a person of great courage! Try and be even braver now and seek out help from those around you.

[Htom Sirveaux]

Edit:
I have absolutely nothing positive or encouraging to say here, so rather than adding fuel to the fire, I should probably just ignore this thread completely from here on out.

[armeck]

i'm praying for you. and. i must say, i'm rather impressed that you can be this open and keep your language clean lol, when i open up i cuss like a maniac lol

[Lynna]

*hugs*
I agree with pretty much everything said here. Also, yuou said you didn't feel like you were capable of Loving anymore. I believe that without God, no one really can truly love, because people are naturally selfish creatures
And also, as Paul said, God uses our weaknesses. Because without God, we all are week. After all, how on earth can human streangth compare to God's? I beleive that God Can heal you, no matter how broken you may be

[Aedin]

I just want to make it clear I never said you were damaged hun. You know I went through 20 years of abuse, from people who were supposed to love me (such as a sexually abusive father and a neglectful mother, the father guardian who raped me etc), you KNOW I get this. I truly do not feel that you are worthless or a freak.

I don't know if you have ever been to a mental hospital, but it was the best experience I had for my recovery and I went twice. I'm not ashamed that I had to get help for an illness that was beyond my capability.

And hun, you aren't too screwed up to serve God. God uses people like you and me every day. He used them in the Bible too (Paul committed mass murders and tortures of Christians for instance, Moses was a murderer and couldn't speak well, Daniel was a adulterer, murderer etc). I think the point is that God is powerful enough to even use the "weak" ones.

I will keep praying for you Aedin. I wish I could convince you that you are a worthy human being worthy of love. I know what its like to be disappointed and hurt and sometimes forgiveness (even if they don't say they are sorry) is one of the most freeing things you can do.

I've not always been a great friend or person, I'll freely admit that. I hope I've always shown Christ love to you when we have talked. I really hope you don't give up Aedin...because whether you can feel it or believe it or not hun, God and many people on this site, including myself, haven't given up on you.

I haven't been on Yahoo mostly due to only being conscious for short periods of time during the day. Unfortunately I'm really sick right now and I'm doing what I can. I hope you don't take that personally and I can only pray you know I still and always will care about you

*hugs* love you

Kelly (Kuno)

I know you never said I'm damaged. Even if you ever had, I wouldn't blame you. About you not always being a great friend or person, or not being on yahoo a lot or being around lately, you're one of the few people I'll never be upset at or blame for that kind of thing.

I can't lead anyone to Christ, I can't help Christians with problems, I'm useless.

What you say about wishing you could convince me I'm a worthy human being worthy of love and all that, well, that's part of the problem. People could help me heal and convince me of that but everyone I've met either isn't the kind of person who can, or they're not willing to help, and then go and blame me for "not wanting to be helped" or "being unable to be helped" when really they're just too lazy awnd uncaring to put effort in.

And unfortunately, most people I've talked to on this site, ignore me, or they leave, or insult me, or do in fact give up on me.

[Aedin]

If I didn't want to see both sides of the story, I would not have asked. I have not seen all these PMs sent to you, thus, if they are troubling you, I and the rest of the CAA staff want to know about it so we can correct the issue. I would appreciate all the PMs if possible (for context reasons), not just a few examples. Forward them to me from your PM inbox if/when you feel ready to.


I and the other moderators strive to keep peace on the site, but we can't see everything. Therefore, we count on members to report if they or anyone they know on CAA are being harassed either on the board or over PM.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but throughout my years here, the moderators have been half the problem. I've tried talking to moderators before. Every single one of them didn't care at all, or tried their best to make it sound like everything was my fault while ignoring my side of the story. Basically, they tried their best to make everything my fault. So I don't exactly trust the mods around here, to be honest.

And one last thought. This isn't in response to goldenspines, I just don't want to make a new post. Some people have mentioned all the people here who want to help me. What they ignore, is the fact that over half the people I try to talk to here, either ignore me, or show absolutely no interest or care about me, or insult me as soon as I do one thing wrong, or if I talk to them about something someone did (as in, someone not on this site) that hurt me or upset me, the person I talk to immediately starts trying to make me feel like **** (I won't apologize for cursing anymore) or make me feel like I"m the whole problem and the person who hurt me is great and faultless. Or another example. I knew someone from this site. We knew someone on another site. Our friend from the other site, got hurt by two people on that site. The fact that my friend was so hurt enraged me, I was so frickin angry. So I talked to the guy I knew from both sites about it (I met him here first) and he didn't care at all. It's not just me that Christians insult or hurt or ignore or don't care about, it's pretty much almost everyone that doesn't fit in the clique. And what bothers me most, is most of the people on this site that have hurt me so badly, are really popular here. I won't name names, but literally everyone on this site knows them, and everyone on this site acts like they're so great and welcoming and supportive and awesome, when really, they hate, insult, demean, and hurt anyone slightly different with them, with severe problems they can't fix, and I'm the only one who cares about who and how they really are. That's why I get panic attacks whenever I come on his site, or why I Can't make topics about things about besides my problems or post in other people's prayer threads (even though I posted in other people's prayers threads and constantly and only two people actually acknowledged that, but did they apologize for acting like I"m horrible for no reason and making hurtful baseless assumptions about me? no), I can't do those things on this site, because everytime I come on here, I'm reminded how, not just on this site, but in Christianity in general, the most hurtful, hateful, uncaring, self-centered, I couldn't think of the right word, so a friend said "egotistical narcissists" are the most loved, the most liked, the most supported, where people like me, who have seriously, chronic problems we never asked for or wanted, and do every single thing in our power to fix, are actively ignored or mocked or made to feel worse. LIke the girl who called me an idiot around five times while telling me I should be proud I'm a child of God, and didn't care what how she was hurting me. If that's a child of God, no wonder I'm not Christian, no wonder I don't want to be a child of God. Or the guy who decided my thoughts, feelings, and anything I had to say, were worthless because my post count wasn't high (yes, that literally happened, and I'm sure I could find it again). Or the people who get angry at me and hate me simply cause I wasn't a good Christian, and made a mistake, and spent over a year hating myself and wanting to kill myself for that mistake. But those people never cared. They still don't care. All they cared about was judging and condemning. Or the person who told me to shut up when I was posting and upset cause I got dumped, or the person who attacked me for asking the first person why they posted in my thread if they had no interest in reading what I had to say or helping. None of the people who did the things I just listed, have ever apologized. They have never once shown a single sign of caring. And when I mention those things or try to talk about them, I'm usually told to get over it, as if that's the easiest thing in the world, or I'm told to shut up. And if I feel I bothered someone, and apologize to them, I get told to shut up and get over it. So even when I mess up and try to make amends, I'm treated badly. And it's not just this site. This isn't just an example of this site. It's an example of Christianity in general. One of the most evil, hateful, horrible things I've ever experienced. That's why this site makes me sick and anxious whenever I come on, and why after PMing a couple people, and trying to find a way to keep contact with the few good people, off of this site, I'm going to ask Mithrandir to ban my account.

Which actually reminds me of one other thing. Only on this site could I get some of my posting and PM priveleges taken away, simply because I was following the rules.

Oh yeah, and only a Christian do you have to expect a high chance of being insulted or mockedw or ridiculed, because someone hurt you terribly, and you either didn't do anything, or weren't told you did anything, so the chance to make things up was intentionally taken away from you. Only on a Christian site do you have to be super self-conscious about opening up and self-conscious about who you are because you know most of the people will either ignore you, insult you right, or seem really nice for a bit and then turn out to be some of the most hurtful hateful uncaring people you've ever met. Most non-Christians or athiests are nicer and better people than most Christians I've met. I had a really good week at work a couple weeks ago, absolutely nothing went wrong. Then during the weekend I figured out why. It was literally because I had been surrounding myself with non-believers (I say non-believer, because I don't know their religious beliefs, I just know they're not Christian) and a wiccan, rather than spending my time trying to meet and make friends with Christians.

It's also mostly on Christian sites that you have such a high chance of being mocked or insulted or ridiculed simply for having problems or needing help, or that people don't bother to listen to you or understand you or truly talk to you before judging you and condemning you and trying their best to make sure everything feels like your fault and you feel like crap, even if your problem is someone else hurt you.

[Kunoichi]

I know you never said I'm damaged. Even if you ever had, I wouldn't blame you. About you not always being a great friend or person, or not being on yahoo a lot or being around lately, you're one of the few people I'll never be upset at or blame for that kind of thing.

I can't lead anyone to Christ, I can't help Christians with problems, I'm useless.

What you say about wishing you could convince me I'm a worthy human being worthy of love and all that, well, that's part of the problem. People could help me heal and convince me of that but everyone I've met either isn't the kind of person who can, or they're not willing to help, and then go and blame me for "not wanting to be helped" or "being unable to be helped" when really they're just too lazy awnd uncaring to put effort in.

And unfortunately, most people I've talked to on this site, ignore me, or they leave, or insult me, or do in fact give up on me.

Well I'm here and trying to be there for you hun. I'm a Christian. I'm hoping you can see that while I don't always know what to do or say in situations that I do care. And I care because your my friend but also because I know that God loves you. I don't think you are damaged but I do think you are hurting.

I've been raped by people who said they were Christians, one actually tried to use the Bible against me to say it was okay. And I even believed him during that time! It was a awful thing for a human being to do. I do not think he did it because he was a "christian" (which i don't think he was..especially given this), but because it was a choice he made. I just want to encourage you to not base your beliefs about God on the people who try to follow his ways.

You know I've made mistakes, lost my temper, given up hope at times (on myself) among other things. When it is all said and done though, all I can do is follow God and know that his grace is bigger than my mistakes.

The thing is, regardless of a person's beliefs, people are going to in some way disappoint you. I know I probably have at times even without meaning to. That's the nature of imperfection. If this site for you isn't going to help you with your relationship with Christ, then you sometimes have to separate yourself and go to places that will (a for instance, not saying "leave the site"..i hope that comes across right anyways).

I do not believe anyone is "unabled" to be helped. I will say I personally do not always know how to help, like what would be the right thing to say or do in a situation. And that goes with all people's situations, not just you ya know? I do believe that we have to do all we can, get support and seek out God for the rest. At least that's always been my experience in regards to my recovery.

I know in the midst of pain and suffering its hard to believe in a loving God. God does love you though even though others have hurt you. I don't know if I'm even saying the "right" thing and hope I'm not making things worse here..just trying to say I love ya bro. Always will. I'm still praying for you and still believe God is reaching out to you.

Love

Kuno

[goldenspines]

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but throughout my years here, the moderators have been half the problem. I've tried talking to moderators before. Every single one of them didn't care at all, or tried their best to make it sound like everything was my fault while ignoring my side of the story. Basically, they tried their best to make everything my fault. So I don't exactly trust the mods around here, to be honest.

Well, no one can make you trust us. I believe I may have mentioned that before in one of my previous posts. But you must understand that if you don't give trust, most likely no one will be able to give trust to you.

[Aedin]

Well, no one can make you trust us. I believe I may have mentioned that before in one of my previous posts. But you must understand that if you don't give trust, most likely no one will be able to give trust to you.

I know what you're saying, and maybe I trusted too fast, or too soon, but most of my problems here, and with other Christians, came from me giving trust, and most of the people well, to generalize and condense it all, treat me horribly for it. And then they didn't care. And then I go on this site and I see all these other people love the people who treated me badly, and act like they're so cool, and it drives me insane. It just feels like blatant hypocrisy to me. The most horrible, uncaring, unChristian people on this site, are the ones who are loved and treated the best. It feels like I'm the only one who cares when people are mean and hateful or treat others horribly, and it bothers me. Especially when I've talked to mods about it, and given evidence, and the mods didn't care.

[Aedin]

Well, no one can make you trust us. I believe I may have mentioned that before in one of my previous posts. But you must understand that if you don't give trust, most likely no one will be able to give trust to you.

Sorry I'm quoting you twice, but it's important.

I know what you mean no one can make me trust all of you. The only two things are, is in the past, when people have said things like that to me, they really meant they didn't feel like helping me. All I've wanted was to find a good, helpful, emotionally supportive community with at least a few eole who will have patience with me and support me as I make the steps to heal that only I can make. Unfortunately, every site or church I go to, people either ignore me, or treat me bad and make me feel worse, or they give u on me. Some of them, after giving up on me, twist things to make it sound (and since I'm sensitive, I believe it) like it's my fault they gave up on me.

I'm not angry or bitter about my next sentence, it's just a fact. I can't help but think how sad it is when Christians have done more to make someone feel worthless and hopeless and helpless, with an almost complete lack of regret and remorse, than anyone else I've met, and there's just so many times people just don't listen at all, or accuse you of things that didn't happen, or make all these assumptions about you for no reason with no proof, and act like those assumptions are fact, and then ignore you or make you feel worse when you try to clear things u so you can have a real conversation. I just don't get life anymore, honestly.

[Aedin]

Well I'm here and trying to be there for you hun. I'm a Christian. I'm hoping you can see that while I don't always know what to do or say in situations that I do care. And I care because your my friend but also because I know that God loves you. I don't think you are damaged but I do think you are hurting.

I've been raped by people who said they were Christians, one actually tried to use the Bible against me to say it was okay. And I even believed him during that time! It was a awful thing for a human being to do. I do not think he did it because he was a "christian" (which i don't think he was..especially given this), but because it was a choice he made. I just want to encourage you to not base your beliefs about God on the people who try to follow his ways.

You know I've made mistakes, lost my temper, given up hope at times (on myself) among other things. When it is all said and done though, all I can do is follow God and know that his grace is bigger than my mistakes.

The thing is, regardless of a person's beliefs, people are going to in some way disappoint you. I know I probably have at times even without meaning to. That's the nature of imperfection. If this site for you isn't going to help you with your relationship with Christ, then you sometimes have to separate yourself and go to places that will (a for instance, not saying "leave the site"..i hope that comes across right anyways).

I do not believe anyone is "unabled" to be helped. I will say I personally do not always know how to help, like what would be the right thing to say or do in a situation. And that goes with all people's situations, not just you ya know? I do believe that we have to do all we can, get support and seek out God for the rest. At least that's always been my experience in regards to my recovery.

I know in the midst of pain and suffering its hard to believe in a loving God. God does love you though even though others have hurt you. I don't know if I'm even saying the "right" thing and hope I'm not making things worse here..just trying to say I love ya bro. Always will. I'm still praying for you and still believe God is reaching out to you.

Love

Kuno

"Well I'm here and trying to be there for you hun. I'm a Christian. I'm hoping you can see that while I don't always know what to do or say in situations that I do care. And I care because your my friend but also because I know that God loves you. I don't think you are damaged but I do think you are hurting."

You are one of the few people I will never blame for anything.

"I've been raped by people who said they were Christians, one actually tried to use the Bible against me to say it was okay. And I even believed him during that time! It was a awful thing for a human being to do. I do not think he did it because he was a "christian" (which i don't think he was..especially given this), but because it was a choice he made. I just want to encourage you to not base your beliefs about God on the people who try to follow his ways."

My learning disorder makes it so unless someone can tell me exactly how to do something, I usually just can't learn it. Forgiving and letting go, is one of those things people need to figure out by themselves. Which means I have it twice as hard as most people, since I don't know how to do it, I can't figure it out, and noone can help me figure it out. No shortage of some people (not you) yelling at me to forgive and move on and let go, and then refusing to hel me figure out how to though. It's hard not to base my beliefs on God by Christians though. Wwe're supposed to follow Jesus's teachings. The Bible says we represent God, we're supposed to be a light to the world and represent God to the world. Yet most of the Christians who have hurt me, have straight up said they don't care about that. So not only am I emotionally hurt, I also get really mentally confused by the hypocrisy and ridiculousness of it all. And then of course those people then go and judge and condemn others and all that. It's just really hard to separate the people representing something, from the thing they're representing. Not trying to be sarcastic, but I really wonder why so many Christians I've met have such a hard time getting that.

"You know I've made mistakes, lost my temper, given up hope at times (on myself) among other things. When it is all said and done though, all I can do is follow God and know that his grace is bigger than my mistakes.

The thing is, regardless of a person's beliefs, people are going to in some way disappoint you. I know I probably have at times even without meaning to. That's the nature of imperfection. If this site for you isn't going to help you with your relationship with Christ, then you sometimes have to separate yourself and go to places that will (a for instance, not saying "leave the site"..i hope that comes across right anyways)."

Once again, I'll never blame you for anything. My only two other comments are, yes, peole will disappoint me. I've always known that, I've always accepted that. What gets me though, is when those people talk about God and love and repentance, but then don't care at all what they've done to others. Or when they try to make it my fault for what they did. Also, it's not just this site that's helped mess me up so bad. It's all the churches I've been to, and a few other Christian sites (my anxiety keeps me from going to too many) I completely shut down when I look for churches or christian sites. I get extreme panic attacks, and I get convinced everyone at the new place will hate me or mock me, so I shut down and can't make myself try.

"I do not believe anyone is "unabled" to be helped. I will say I personally do not always know how to help, like what would be the right thing to say or do in a situation. And that goes with all people's situations, not just you ya know? I do believe that we have to do all we can, get support and seek out God for the rest. At least that's always been my experience in regards to my recovery."

I gotta leave in fifteen minutes for work. As soon as I can, I'll respond to the rest of your message.

[Okami]

I love that you're open and honest with the people here, Aedin. I don't see it enough, people being real and sharing their stories and inviting others into the personal depths of their lives. I am convicted that this is the way life should be, to be real with people.

So many people can claim to know you, but really, if no one sees your brokenness and hurt, they won't be able to meet you where you're at in the moment. In a sense, being able to see the pain you're in is encouragement to me; it reminds me that I'm human because I feel pain, too.

Take courage in knowing you're not alone. We're all broken in our own ways, struggling to get by from day to day. You are not alone. You are not alone. <3

[Aedin]

I do not believe anyone is "unabled" to be helped. I will say I personally do not always know how to help, like what would be the right thing to say or do in a situation. And that goes with all people's situations, not just you ya know? I do believe that we have to do all we can, get support and seek out God for the rest. At least that's always been my experience in regards to my recovery.

I know in the midst of pain and suffering its hard to believe in a loving God. God does love you though even though others have hurt you. I don't know if I'm even saying the "right" thing and hope I'm not making things worse here..just trying to say I love ya bro. Always will. I'm still praying for you and still believe God is reaching out to you.

Love

Kuno

"I do not believe anyone is "unabled" to be helped. I will say I personally do not always know how to help, like what would be the right thing to say or do in a situation. And that goes with all people's situations, not just you ya know? I do believe that we have to do all we can, get support and seek out God for the rest. At least that's always been my experience in regards to my recovery."

Knowing the right thing to say all the time, isn't what hels, the desire to help is what helps. And most people I've reached out to on this site, or other sites, or churches, they act like they want to help (hence a lot of the messages in my topics) but once you start trying to really talk to them, to really get help, they get mean and insulting and condemning, then yell at you if you're upset, or they just stop talking to you. That's why I don't talk to new people on this site, that's why I only make threads and only post in my own threads, because I'm terrified of al ways trying to reach out to peoplel who seem nice, only to have it turn out they're really mean and want nothing to do with me. I want to get support, I just don't know where to get it. Christian friendships never work out, so I can't have those, so I go to non-Christians, but we're always so different, I feel kinda uncomfortable, and they can't help me with my faith issues anyway.

"I know in the midst of pain and suffering its hard to believe in a loving God. God does love you though even though others have hurt you. I don't know if I'm even saying the "right" thing and hope I'm not making things worse here..just trying to say I love ya bro. Always will. I'm still praying for you and still believe God is reaching out to you."

First off, you never make things worse. Second, amazingly enough, even though I've had so many examples that should show me how little God cares, I still believe he exists, and I still believe he loves some of us. My issue isn't whether or not he cares, my issue is so much has happened, especially from Christians, to convince me that he barely cares at all about me. I'm honestly not even sure how I feel about Jesus and whether or not he cares. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings about God. All I know is I always feel like my salvation is a fringe benefit. People tell me "Jesus died for your sins, that's how much he loves you" but I can't help but hink, I'm such a screw up, such a bad annoying person, Jesus saved a lot of people when he died, what if saving me was just a coincidence?

[Aedin]

[quote="Okami (post: 1444596)"]I love that you're open and honest with the people here, Aedin. I don't see it enough, people being real and sharing their stories and inviting others into the personal depths of their lives. I am convicted that this is the way life should be, to be real with people.

So many people can claim to know you, but really, if no one sees your brokenness and hurt, they won't be able to meet you where you're at in the moment. In a sense, being able to see the pain you're in is encouragement to me]

I appreciate the sentiment, but me being open and honest is what makes me eole ignore me, dislike me, and abandon me. You're right, it is the way life should be. However, most people don't want it that way. I'll never know why, but oh well. The thing about people claiming to know me, is you're right, I guess they do claim to know me, some of them have claimed to know me better than myself, and when I try to clear things up, instead of listening, they act like the yahve all the answers and I'm makin excuses, when they've barely talked to me. If I don't have anyone I can trust, though, noone I can trust to listen to me and talk to me, doesn't that mean I am alone though? I forgot what else I was gonna say. All I remmeber is people tell me to talk to the eole who have hurt me. And I do talk to them, in a non-accusatory way, most of the time they don't respond, or they make it clear they don't care at all. Whether it's true or not, every time I go on this site, or try to post somewhere on this site, I'm flooded with memories of people not caring enough to listen to simle things, or being know-it-alls, or being judging and condemning. Hard. I worry I'll always be judged and condemned, and that I'll never be understood or belong anywhere.

[Aedin]

I hate being open and honest. I hate the fact that I can't respond to most of you, or the people who responded in my other threads, because the thought and idea of responding to so much fills me with anxiety and makes me shut down.

When people haven't responded in a while, I can't tell if anyone's looking at this thread or reading it. So instead of making yet another thread, I'll just post here and hope someone reads it.

I'm crying and scared lol. I'm scared of reaching out to new people, in case they turn out to be mean and uncaring like some others I've met (noone specifically, just that I've met them). I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of trying, anything, and failing. I'm scared of trying to reach out to, and talk to, the people who have hurt me, in one way or another, in the fear that they just won't care at all, or they'll hate me, or be really mean. I'm so frickin pathetic. If it still matters at all, I'm sorry I messed everything up.

[Midori]

Hey, I'm still kinda reading this thread. The thing is, most of your posts are really long so it's hard for me to read them. That's probably part of why other people have stopped responding, too. But if you want, I'll try to read through them over the next couple days.