Postby Aedin » Tue Dec 14, 2010 8:33 pm
I haven't slept for two days. I've spent two days crying. I ODed on ills earlier, took four times the amount I'm supposed to, and in a few minutes, I'm gonna do it again. Long story short, this is probably the only time I'm going to be able to speak clearly, explain everything, without completely breaking down emotionally. I'm gonna finally be able to say almost everything I've wanted to say. And then chances are I'll ask Mithrandir to ban me, so I can't come back. This might be my last post. Well, not really my last post, since there's some people I have to respond to, and I don't know how to do multiple quotes in one message, so I have to reply to a coule people, but basically, these are most likely my last few posts here.
I'm not good at organizing, but I"ll try to make it all clear and have it all make sense.
I've been emotionally abused for as long as I can remember, by many different people. Most of the people who were supposed to love me, spent my life making me believe I Don't matter. What I want didn't matter. They spent a long time (almost twenty years) making me feel worthless, nothing about me mattered, I was meaningless, everything I did was wrong, and everything I actually did right, they'd ignore, or barely acknowledge it then go on and on and on about what I did wrong. If I did something right, they'd spend their time focusing on the small part I did wrong, or they'd twist things to make me wrong anyway. I grew up always tense, because my family fought constantly. Yelling at the to of their lungs. only stopped when I was around thirteen, when my suicidal depression began, and hasn't stopped. I've been obsessed with killing myself, for the better part of ten years now. I grew up without a father, my family always fighting, abuse more often than it should ever happen, then it segued into my parent's divorce, and my suicidal depression, and almost thirty suicide attempts. The only reason I'm not dead yet, is I"m scared of pain, and I'm scared of what will happen if I Try to kill myself and fail. To answer Htom's post, first off, you don't know if I've made a single serious attempt or not. I'd say stabbing myself in the chest and being hospitalized because I drank a lot of poison, counts as serious attempts. I want to die. I'm just too much of a coward to pull it off, and I haven't yet found any simple, mostly painless ways to pull it off.
So much to say, not sure how to get it all out.Some of it is just background information to help eople understand, but I Don't know how big a deal that is, so maybe I"ll come back and fill it in later. Basically, most of my life has been emotional abuse. What I listed before, my mom getting **** at me constantly simply because I was depressed and upset, and so many family issues I can't begin to explain, that I almost became bipolar. Social anxiety, so I couldn't talk to anyone or make any real friends. Physically, financially, I've had a good life. Emotionally, mentally, I wouldn't wish those aspects of my life on anyone. I won't even go into what my dad and my non-immediate family have done. Basically, as I said before, most of my life has been people skimming over the good things I Do, and then focusing on how much I mess up and do wrong, even if I hadn't actually messed anything up, and then shutting me down as soon as I speak up. Spent most of my life feeling worthless, meaningless, convinced on a level I can't explain, that noone loves me, noone will ever love me, that God hates me and my salvation from Jesus's death was just a "fringe benefit". And then there's my learning disorder. It's hard ro explain, but basically my disorder means I don't always understand stuff well, I need indepth explanation, and lots of patience and understanding. People don't like that, people can't stand that, so they shun me and abandon me for it.
Other examples. I met someone in driver's ed, about four years ago or so. We got along great, she seemed to really care, we talked about common interests, she worried more than I did, and I barely talked about my problems (she had the same ones I did, so I was a support for her). She wAS my best friend. Then one day, I texted her, or called her, got no response. I figured it was no big deal. Coule days later, I texted her again. No response. I stopped trying to contact her for two weeks. Then after two weeks passed, I sent her a text asking how she'd been. *bad language alert* Almost immediately I get a text from her phone, from someone claiming to be her friend (I don't know if it was her, or really was her friend) telling me to "leave her the **** alone" and "stop ****ing stalking her". Hard to stalk someone when I willingly didn't talk to her for two weeks, and hadn't seen her for longer.
Something similar happened in college. I randomly met someone, they started talking to me. We kept running into each other at school, she seemed more into the friendship than I was. I didn't talk about my problems with her, she literally made me talk about them. I'd make one little comment about something that was going on with me, and she'd run with it, she'd kee asking question, giving me advice, trying to help me. She was the reason we talked about my problems at all. Then over spring break, I send her a text asking how she's been. I get a call back from her did, saying she didn't want to know me anymore, and that was the reason I hadn't seen her at school lately (when the real reason I hadn't seen her at school lately, is it had been spring break, so neither of us even went to the school for two weeks.)
Now the long part of this post, me and my experiences with Christians, and what Christians have taught me (not just people from thsi site, and not all Christians, just 99% of the Christians I've met, no joke).
My drugs are wearing off, so this may not make as much sense or be as organized as I'd like. This is all gonna sound like generalizations, but they sound that way because this is how most Christians have treated me. One erson I knew (not from this site) one day, for no reason, maniulated me (and admitted to it) to show me people can have misunderstandings (as if I didn't know that already) and then a few days later, she and I had an honest misunderstanding. What did she do? Acted like everything was my fault, that I was manipulating her, acting like I"m terrible. All that happened was a misunderstanding, along with the fact that she had built such a fear into me of being honest with her, that once I finally started being honest, she said I was manipulating her, and left. She hasn't responded to any of my emails, and the fact tha tshe tried so hard to make it all sound like my fault and like I"m horrible. So she can manipulate me, and it's ok. We can't have misunderstandings without me being a horrible person though. Let alone the fact that I was scared of talking to her, is partly because she literally got mad at me because I missed her, and came pretty close to implying that I was pathetic for missing my online friends. Also, she said she had bad memory, so whenever she forgot something, it was ok, but as soon as I forgot one thing about her, she got **** at me, and left.
I was on another Christian site a while, I don't think peole here know of it. They had a chat room. If you weren't popular, people in chat would ignore you, insult you, mock you. If you had a problem with anything (which a few people had problems with them being incredibly cliqueish and actively shutting out and ignoring anyone who didn't "fit in". One day, in chat, there waS this girl. She had never done anything to anyone. She said she was depressed and suicidal. As expected from this site (not CAA) people started insulting her and mocking her. A staff member told her to kill herself. Literally. He told her to go to kill herself because he was tired of "pseudo-Christians" as if telling a suicidal person to go kill themselves makes him a better Christian. I got really, really, really angry. *bad language alert* I said "**** you" to him. You know what everyone talked about, what everyone had a problem with? That I said "**** you" to a guy telling a poor, depressed, suicidal, sixteen year old girl to kill herself. Absolutely none of them cared about what he did, that he told her to kill herself. They all only cared that I said what I said. What kind of site is that where if you're deressed and suicidal, everyone will either ignore you or insult you, and if someone stands u for you, they'll all get **** and angry at the person who stood up for you. That website, if you weren't annoying and loud and hyperactive and mean, judgmental, and hateful (some of them were literally hateful) and full of yourself, you'd be ignored or mocked.
I've tried to meet Christians in person. They were all either liars, or bad friends (as in you'd call them, asking how they've been, asking if they wanted to do something) and keep in mind I didn't go on and on about my problems with them, and then they wouldn't call you back for two weeks at the soonest, if they ever called you back. Then there were the others who abandoned me as soon as it turned out I wasn't perfect, or because I didn't like parties and getting drunk and sleeping around. Yeah, I met those people at church. Let alone all the other people who ignore you because they don't know you.
How to segue it. Suicidal depression for ten years. Almost thirty suicide attempts. Social anxiety so bad that if I look at more than two topics on this site, or most sites for that matter, my body starts shaking, I break down into tears, my body shakes, I get extreme panic attacks where my body freaks out, my whole body feels numb (literally) and you really just don't want to see me when like that. I freak out, can't stop crying, I lose control of myself. That happens every single time I try to read more than two threads, or try to make a post about something besides my problems.
Everybody was haiku writing, Their wits were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening, But they wrote with expert rhyming
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
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