My Novel- DarkHeart

[Ella Edric]

Ok, so just a little while ago I came up with this idea. ^^ My plan is to post updates here. Maybe having it on CAA will inspire me to keep going on it. XD And feel free to critique me! I really need it! XD

Ok, so this is all I have typed out on the computer. It still needs work though.

Prologue
The air was still, yet sorrowful. No one spoke a word as they watched young Aedin's hands be bound in chains and connected to the caravan next to him.
The people of the village were there watching the scene. Many felt satisfaction and closure out of this boy being taken away, then there were those who were deeply saddened by it. Most of those, were people who knew Aedin personally.
Thought many were sad, none cried harder than Aedin's best friend Anna. They had known each other since they were four, and were as people would say, 'insepperable'. The two would always spend time and play with each other when they were children. And if one was sad, the other was sad, if one was happy, the other was happy. They were back then, and to the present, the best of friends.
Anna could not produce enough tears for the sorrow that swelled in her heart. She folded her arms closely to her chest as she sobbed quietly. She could barely stand to watch as the caravan departed.
Her friend Aedin stumbled along behind it, but took the time to look back. His and Anna's eyes met and he stopped. Although he wanted to, Aedin couldn't bring himself to say goodbye.

Again, critisism if welcomed with open arms! XD

*edit* thanks Okami!

[Okami]

I'm not sure what all crtique I can make...but the word "bairly" should be "barely"

[Ella Edric]

(last bit of prologue...)
Her friend Aedin stumbled along behind it, but took the time to look back. His and Anna's eyes met and he stopped. Although he wanted to, Aedin couldn't bring himself to say goodbye. A tear rolled down his cheek, and soon enough he was jerked by the traveling caravan leading him.

2 days ago...
Chapter 1

The Garden

“Aedin!â€

[Ella Edric]

(chapter 1 continued...)
As he worked, the little girl began to stare at Aedin. It wasn't a fearful stare though. It was just a stare.
Aedin stopped cranking when he realized he was being watched. He glanced over at her and smiled. She smiled back, and Aedin went back to his work.
After a moment or so, the little girl hadn't gone away. She was beginning to make Aedin feel uncomfortable.
“Why aren't you wearing a shirt?” she asked bluntly. Aedin stopped.
He blushed. “Uh... cause with my wings it's kind of a hassle to put on.” he said with a slight laugh, then got back to what he was doing.
He was soon interrupted when the little girl asked another question.
“Where did you get your wings?” she asked.
“I was born with them.” he replied shortly.
The little girl looked at the ground for a second contemplating his answer. “Why are you the only one in the village with wings?”
Aedin sighed. It was obvious she wasn't trying to be annoying or hurtful, but she was still beginning to get on his nerves. “I really don't know.” he said. “There used to be more, but they all left.” He paused. “Including my father.” Aedin looked down. This was a subject that troubled him deeply.
When Aedin was six-years old, his human mother died, and when this happened Aedin's father(who was Drakii) fell into a deep depression. He went missing into the forest a few weeks after his beloved wife's death. Six days later, his body was found at the shore in an opening of a river. It was unclear whether he committed suicide, or was merely killed by nature.
After the loss of his parents, Aedin's grandparent's on his mother's side took him in. They lived on a small, simple ranch nearby the village.
“Why did he leave?” the little girl asked.
“... I... don't want to talk about it.” said Aedin.
“Why not?” she asked.
“None of your business!” he snapped.
The girl stood there as tears swelled in her eyes. “Nonono, don't do that.” said Aedin trying to calm her down. “I'm sorry, I--”
She ran off crying and Aedin slapped his hand on his forehead. He sighed. “wonderful...” he mumbled. Aedin then noticed that through his short outburst he had let go of the crank. Again, he sighed and got back to what he was doing, starting over the whole process.
A few hours later, Aedin and Anna went to meet each other in the garden as planned.
Although thats what they called it, it wasn't quite a garden. It was more like an opening in the woods where many exotic and beautiful flowers grew. Aedin and Anna though, like to maintain it.
Aedin walked through the thick trees until he reached the little opening he loved so much. He breathed in the sweet scent of the garden air and smiled. This was a place that him and Anna loved. They would go here just to talk, and forget about the worries of the outside world.
“Hey Anna!” said Aedin with a wave. Anna had arrived before him and was sitting peacefully on a log waiting for him. She looked up when she heard his voice and returned with a smile and wave.
Aedin carefully stepped through the flowers, then plopped down next to Anna on the log. There was a peaceful silence for some time as they took in the beauty of the garden.
“I love this place.” Anna finally said. Aedin nodded in agreement.
“Me too.” he said.
So Anna and Aedin sat and talked for a while. They talked about both serious, and silly things. About their worries, and anxieties. About pointless, silly things, and about precious moments of the past.

[steenajack]

Oh boy, this is interesting so far. I'm not sure what constructive criticism I could give. It could use a little polishing and some work, with grammer and description of certain details and the like. But, I like how your writing is not repetative, in how you don't keep using the same adjective over and over. You have variety in your words, and it keeps the story interesting. So far though, this looks like an interesting story, keep up the good work.

[Ella Edric]

Thanks! ^^ And yeah, my writing does need some work.

[Atria35]

Hmmm. Could use a little work in terms of spelling, and some grammar issues. But an interesting plotline overall.

[Ella Edric]

thanks. ^^ Wich words need spelling help?

[Atria35]

"Insepperable" should be "inseparable", for instance. I didn't look too much further, because I was in editor mode (I beta for a friend of mine), and I would have copied/pasted it all into Word and fixed it >.>" I'm slightly OC about stuff like this ^.^"

[Ella Edric]

Hehe thanks! ALthough, I THOUGHT I FIXED THAT! XD Oh well, I'll do that now. XD

*edit* I cant edit it now. T.T

[Atria35]

Hehe thanks! ALthough, I THOUGHT I FIXED THAT! XD Oh well, I'll do that now. XD

*edit* I cant edit it now. T.T

Lol, it's okay! I'm sure that you'll repost when you have the kinks worked out for the rest of it

[Yuki-Anne]

This seems like it has potential. I like how you caught our attention in the prequel by having him led away without telling us why.

I think your writing style could use some tightening up, though. Here's a tip my writing professor gave me, and he got it from some famous author or other: use the fewest words possible to communicate your meaning. For example, take the sentence, "The people of the village were there watching the scene."
You can tighten up your writing by changing it to something like, "The villagers looked on." This takes your sentence from ten words to four, and loses no meaning in the process. You could also meld it into the next sentence by saying something like this: "The villagers watched, their feelings divided. Some grinned with an air of satisfaction, but many of Aedin's friends and acquaintances were distressed."

Note the use of dynamic verbs and nouns as opposed to adverbs and adjectives. This is important to writing: your story is more dynamic and interesting if you replace adverbs and adjectives wherever possible with more expressive nouns and verbs. You seem to be doing this fairly well, actually, so keep it up.

Be careful about exposition. Any time you stop to describe something or give us the history of something, you're doing just that: stopping. Is there a better way to tell us something? Maybe have Aedin describe his backstory himself by writing the conversation between him and the girl. In this way, you aren't stopping the story to tell us what happened, and the way he describes it could add nuance to his character that is skipped over by bare narration. Get creative with this. The way a person tells their life story can tell you a lot about a person. Is it just bare facts? Or are there emotional nuances to it? I get the feeling it could be the latter, but when you as the narrator tell us, we just get bare facts, and you telling us how he feels about them. Instead, have him show us how he feels about them.

Also, at the end of this chapter, you glossed over Aedin and Anna's conversation in the garden and just kind of gave us a summary. But if it isn't important, why mention it at all? This part has potential; we could be engaging with your characters, and investing in the relationship they have with each other. What are their worries and anxieties? What do they find silly? What are the precious moments of their past? There's soooo much potential for character development here! This is the perfect place to have us fall in love with your characters.

There are some other minor spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, but overall, I think this has a lot of promise.

[Ella Edric]

[quote="Yuki-Anne (post: 1426350)"]This seems like it has potential. I like how you caught our attention in the prequel by having him led away without telling us why.

I think your writing style could use some tightening up, though. Here's a tip my writing professor gave me, and he got it from some famous author or other: use the fewest words possible to communicate your meaning. For example, take the sentence, "The people of the village were there watching the scene."
You can tighten up your writing by changing it to something like, "The villagers looked on." This takes your sentence from ten words to four, and loses no meaning in the process. You could also meld it into the next sentence by saying something like this: "The villagers watched, their feelings divided. Some grinned with an air of satisfaction, but many of Aedin's friends and acquaintances were distressed."

Note the use of dynamic verbs and nouns as opposed to adverbs and adjectives. This is important to writing: your story is more dynamic and interesting if you replace adverbs and adjectives wherever possible with more expressive nouns and verbs. You seem to be doing this fairly well, actually, so keep it up.

Be careful about exposition. Any time you stop to describe something or give us the history of something, you're doing just that: stopping. Is there a better way to tell us something? Maybe have Aedin describe his backstory himself by writing the conversation between him and the girl. In this way, you aren't stopping the story to tell us what happened, and the way he describes it could add nuance to his character that is skipped over by bare narration. Get creative with this. The way a person tells their life story can tell you a lot about a person. Is it just bare facts? Or are there emotional nuances to it? I get the feeling it could be the latter, but when you as the narrator tell us, we just get bare facts, and you telling us how he feels about them. Instead, have him show us how he feels about them.

Also, at the end of this chapter, you glossed over Aedin and Anna's conversation in the garden and just kind of gave us a summary. But if it isn't important, why mention it at all? This part has potential]

Hey thanks! Youre advice is quite helpful! I actually havent worked on the story in a while, but youre post here made me want to work on it alot more! Thanks so much for your critique! ^^-b

[Dellar]

Yuki-Anne's advice is good (and I'm taking it myself now).

Thought many were sad, none cried harder than Aedin's best friend Anna. They had known each other since they were four, and were as people would say, 'insepperable'. The two would always spend time and play with each other when they were children. And if one was sad, the other was sad, if one was happy, the other was happy. They were back then, and to the present, the best of friends.

I think it's better not to repeat that they were best friends in the last sentence, as it's already been established in the first.

Aside from that, I didn't notice anything big (not that that was a big thing anyway) in need of fixing.

[Ella Edric]

Good point Dellar! I didnt notice that I did that. lol;;

[DangoDaikazoku]

This story has grabbed my attention, it's the kind of book I want to read... need to read RIGHT NOW!!! Of course, I can wait, there are plenty of novels on my "have yet to be read" shelf. I think it is really good and interesting, and think you should go through and publish it... if you ever finish it. If you don't I think I will cry...

[samurai10]

*pokes* I WANTZ MORE.

[Ella Edric]

This story has grabbed my attention, it's the kind of book I want to read... need to read RIGHT NOW!!! Of course, I can wait, there are plenty of novels on my "have yet to be read" shelf. I think it is really good and interesting, and think you should go through and publish it... if you ever finish it. If you don't I think I will cry...

lol! thanks! And dont cry! XD I have worked a little on it recently... but its hard because I stopped for so long. Now everything sounds stiff. =_=;; Arg.... I'll try and get more edited and on here. But obviously, the stuff I've already posted needs editing also. XD;;

And Sammy, I am trying. XD