Healing

[Aedin]

A lot to explain, and I'm pretty sure most people here don't want to hear it, so I'll keep it short. I've been suicidal almost every day, for the past few months or so. One or two nights ago, everything built up so bad, I literally felt like I was dieing. I realize most of my problems are from unresolved issues in the past. This place was a big part of my life for a while, so I guess I just came back for closure, and to hopefully help heal.

[Ella Edric]

As I've told you in the past Aedin, I care alot about you. I'm definately still praying for you buddy. :hug:

[acgifford]

I'll pray for you.

[Furen]

I'll be praying

Definitely keep here and keep us posted for anything we can do. You're not alone in this!

[Tsukuyomi]

You already know I'll be praying ^__^

A good way to find closure isn't just closing the door and walking away. You'll have to work through them ^^ It can be overwhelming, but you can make it through to the end. You just have to hang in there.

Talks things out with the ones you need closure with. Not just talk, but listen to their point of view as well. If there are differences, discuss it with one another. Tell them why you feel this way or why you felt that way, but you have to be willing to listen to. Maybe, you find something you never seen there before ^^

Hope that all came out right. Hang in there, Aedin

[Kunoichi]

Praying Aedin. Can relate to this unfortunately. You can reach me on here or FB..phone is out and I don't go on messengers anymore. On a side note, keep yourself safe okay?

[TGJesusfreak]

I've never stopped praying for you Aedin. You've always been a silent prayer in the back of my mind. Hang in there buddy.

[Dr.Faust]

Praying...

[Aedin]

So some people apologized to me. I did not expect that. I was raised in a family where you can't talk about anything, where almost everyone only cared what I did wrong, and if someone did something to make me react a bad way, people only cared what I did wrong, and not at all about what the other person did. I think maybe that's part of why I'm so screwed up. I don't know. I wish life wasn't so complicated. I have to admit, I'm kinda scared to try talking to people here. Actually I'm scared of talking to people in general. Just had a lot of bad experiences with people, in person, and online. I don't know. I know I've caused problems, with a few people here, if not more, and I'm sorry. I've never in my life meant to hurt anyone or cause any problems.

[Tsukuyomi]

If you're willing, we can help you through that ^^

Stick around and post around ^^ There's a few Q&A threads you can post in ^^ Maybe, asking some questions will help you get to know someone and you may find you have some stuff in common with them ^^

[Atria35]

I can see where you're coming from- I was persecuted by my classmates in grade school, and that made it hard to trust people and make friends. As for the mistakes you did make- I'm sure that they aren't unforgiveable. I don't know what you did, but you sound like you're genuinely sorry, and that counts for a lot. We're all human, after all, and that makes us fallible in many, many ways.

But I really hope you do choose to actively participate here- I haven't been a member for long, but I haven't had anything that I could term a bad experience. In fact, the people have been nothing but supportive. I mean, sometimes member disagree about things, but that is natural, since everyone is different and has different opinions. But it's never been nasty or derrogatory.

I'm seconding Tsuki's suggestion- go for the Q and A threads, and get to know a few of us! I promise we won't bite ^.^ (unless we all suddenly turn into sharks or pirhanas- then there are NO HOLDS BARRED! XD ) j/k, j/k. But there are lots of threads you could join, and I hope you do!

[acgifford]

Aedin...I want you to know I really do care. I do wish you the best and that sometimes when people seem mean its only because they care and are upset that you are in pain and they cant help. They may seem like they trying to put you down but really they want to help and one can take it wrong. I do hope that you will allow God to wrap you up in his love and you will find peace.

[Lynna]

I'll be praying for you Aedin ^_^ And yeah...sometimes things of the past affect us more than we think. hang in there!:hug::hug:

[FllMtl Novelist]

I'll be praying for you. I don't know what else I can say, since I don't know you, but I shall pray for you.

[freerock1]

I know you don't really know me, but I have been lifting you up in prayer, and continue to do so. Look at all those who have expressed their concern for you in this thread. I imagine there are others reading this who, like myself, may not always reply in a thread but are still lifting your situation up to the Father. Be encouraged, my friend.

[Aedin]

Thanks. Just really not doing well. Have so many memories of trying to fix things with people, being calm, wantintg to talk it out, and then the person just got **** at me and started acting like everytthing was my fault, lots of stuff like that. And my brother's been stealing my car, and you can't talk to him or his girlfriend about anything. And now I'm having relationship problems, this site is so huge and overwhelming, it's so hard to make friends, and if I lose my girlfriend, I'm gonna feel so alone.

[Atria35]

^ Ouch. That's really hard. As for the relationship thing- I hope it works out. BUt if it doesn't, just know that there are others here who can sympathize. These days,most people seem to be in a relationship rut ;.;

As for the site being overwhelming, try picking out two or three threads that interest you! Make a new into thread, and then follow what's happening in another. You don't have to go through older threads- too old and it's not really allowed to bring them up again- pick a newer one. Like the "Anime you watch that no one else does"- there are some pretty detailed descriptions of them, so you might find one that you want to watch. If you'd like to know more about the anime, you could write down the name and PM the person who posted it about the content.

Or if you've seen a few anime in subtitles or dub, you could post which you preffered in the 'Sub or Dub' thread. That doesn't require any reading of the previous posts, since it's your opinion on which one was better.

Hoping things work out for you!

[ABlipinTime]

I'm gonna feel so alone.

Hey, Aedin. You are NEVER alone! Be aware that God is always with you. I used to think that if I wanted an intimate, joyous, fulfilling relationship, I had to find a girlfriend for that. All the while long, God was actually leading me into seeing that what I really needed and longed for I could find in Him.

Our brother James spoke to the church "scattered among the nations" about the suffering they were going through, saying, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (Ja. 1:12)

Though the situation the church at that time was going through is different from your situations in some respects, there are similarities:
1.) St. Paul says, "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes." Lesson: Love God and everything will work out fine.
2.) This world shall pass. Period. The suffering you go through now will all be forgotten when you enter into the joy of the Kingdom of God, knowing that everything you went through built up for that entering in.

So have faith, Aedin, and focus on Jesus!

[Aedin]

I think I'm gonna get this job. It seems like I will. On one hand, that makes me happy, cause I need a job, but I just wish I could share all this with my girlfriend.

[Rusty Claymore]

Adding my prayer to the wall.

Keep overcoming, and you'll make it through. Always remember that although some of us here at CAA are hundreds of miles away, we're always right here.

[TGJesusfreak]

Still praying for ya Aedin! Good luck on the job too. I hope God blesses your every moment there. =)

[Aedin]

I just want to cry. I hate this so much. Just really hard, cause I feel so alone, and I try to meet new people, but most of them don't talk back to me. Or the ones that do, always disappear. And every time I go on this site, I just remember people I met here, a long time ago, wh only cared about trying to make me feel worse, or treated me like I'm worthless. I feel so alone, I'm losing my girlfriend and my best friend, I have noone to really talk to, and I just have no idea what to do, I don't see any way out. I hate myself for posting any of this, cause it's all so stupid. I hate all the memories, I hate being so worthless. I just wish I could see a way out.

[TGJesusfreak]

Hey Aedin, it's ok to mourn and be sad. It really is. But remember that Jesus' joy comes with the morning!

Remember that the only thing you can control in your life is yourself. Your actions are your own. they are the only thing that belongs to you alone. They are your thoughts and choices. If you can accept yourself and not dwell on how people have been mean to you then you can get through this Aedin. I have faith in your abilities.

People have been mean to you Aedin. I'm sorry to hear that. Cruel words will cut like a knife. Trust me I know. So many friendships I have lost over cruel words. It's not what the past has given you Aedin. It's what you have today that matters. In you I see the potential of great great kindness. You just have to figure out what to do with your past. Cast your burdens on Jesus! He will heal your heart and carry the weight of your past. This doesn't mean that things will be perfect. it only means that you're following along with your savior and Lord.

Anyway, sorry if I completely bored you with my rant. I just care for you and want you to be ok Aedin.

[Ella Edric]

I agree whole heartedly with TG. I care alot about you Aedin and really hope things get better and turn out for the best. God loves you so much Aedin. I dont know if you have let Him in or not, but if not just know the He is always there and waiting for you.

As for everything else, I just want you to know, I know exactly what youre going through. For the last few months I myself have struggled with quite intense depression. And, actually have had some mild suicide thoughts. So I understand to an extent whats going on. It's hard, and I know your heart must hurt really bad, but God is there, and willing to hold you every step of the way. The poem, Footprints in the Sand is a beautiful poem that I think you should check out. (Link to it here: http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php ) That poem honestly made me cry. It touvhed my heart and I hope it touches yours.

May God bless you and keep you Aedin. Keep us posted on whats going on. ^_^-b

[Aedin]

So much to respond to. One of these days I'm gonna have to fight my anxiety and respond to all of it.

You guys are right. I just wish I knew how to do the things you both say. I just hate how screwed up I am, and every time I think about it, I think about how I got this way, and I know a big part is the mean people I met. Course, none of them posted in here. That seems kindof telling. I just wish I could make people care what they do. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I've been almost crying, all day, and so I guess I just need to let it out, as stupid as it is. I just wish I could make people care what they do, I wish it was easier to make real friends. I wish it was easier to know who would be good friends. I'm just so tired of everything.

And everytime I get on this site, I see posts by some of those people (I won't say who) and they pretend like they care about people, and it drives me insane. I just wish the memories weren't there. I wish I hadn't met so many people who make me feel like a total screwup just because I'm different, and make me feel worthless. I wish I knew how to let go.

[AnimeGirl]

I'm glad to see you back, Aedin-kun. I was so scared because I hadn't heard from you in awhile. Don't ever think no one is thinking about you, because I was, and so many people here were. You'll make it through, I know you can. Anxiety cannot win, because you have God on your side.

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comfort delights my soul."
- Psalm 94:19

I'll never stop praying for you, just hang in there. ^.^

[Aedin]

I just feel like I'm too screwed up to be fixed. I've met so many people, here and other sites, online and in real life, who just don't really talk back to me, or who can't stand me. Sometimes it's too hard to not be scared I'll just keep meeting people who won't really talk back to me, or abandon me, or make me feel worthless. I just hate how screwed up I am, and how ha rd it is to make real friends.

I guess mainly I just want friends to share our lives with, and play games together, stuff like that.

[TGJesusfreak]

Friedships can transend even talking to eachother Aedin. Friends aren't just people to play with. They are people you love to be around. You don't even have to say anything to them.

Also, it's not a good idea to keep saying your too screwed up. It's self fufilling prophecy. Instead think of all the stuff that's awesome about you! I'm sure there's plenty of amazing things about you.

[Roy Mustang]

You need to remember that you are never alone. God is also there, but if a person look at all negative views about their self, then they can't focus on God.

You need to think about the positive that you have. Can you see, can you walk, do you have both arms or legs. There are many people out in this world that can't see or can't walk as well as some have just a few months to live.

But most of those people look at the positives in their life and are thankful to the Lord for each day they have.

You just need to focus more on God. Another step is letting go of the past and not think about what happen back then at the board.

I have forgiving you for what happen in the past, why can't you do the same for others that you feel that have wrong you.


[font="Book Antiqua"][color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]

[Aedin]

Yeah, I'm working on all that. I'm working on that. Just really hard to do that. Learning disabilities, chemical imbalances, and I was raised to believe I'm stupid, that I can't really do anything, that everything I do is wrong, and only what I do wrong matters. I've also never learned how to let go of the past and move on, but I'm gonna get some books that will hopefully help. It's also really hard to forgive people who don't care what they did or hwo they affect others.

And to be fair, what I did, and what others have done to me, are completely different things.