Postby Arbre » Mon Apr 26, 2004 2:33 am
Thank you so, so much for your help, support, advice, and prayers. That really does mean a lot.
I feel like I should explain what happened today.
I woke up and went through the motions of getting ready for church. Before my family left, though, I told my mom that I wasn't going, because I didn't believe in that church anymore, emphasizing that I am a Christian.
That was hard for her. She mentioned something about "Haven't we raised you in the Gospel and taught you everything?" and she did take it hard.
After my family left for church, I called Vyse and we talked while I packed up my clothes and everything. Then my dad called.
"I understand you're having doubts about the church."
"Yeah."
"Is it that you believe in something else?"
"Yes."
"Is it that you believe that Jesus Christ and God the Father are one?" (as opposed to Mormon teachings of God)
"Yes."
I mentioned something about how I believed the Bible. He was all ready to show me verses that apparently support Mormon views. He wanted me to read three, but he only mentioned one. He sent an e-mail to me that he wants me to read and reply to. I haven't even checked to see it. I don't want to.
Then he asked me to read that verse in 2 Corinthians that mentions a "third heaven." I told him I didn't want to talk to him about this right then. He offered to fly me up to where he is (he's living in a different city right now for work, and my family will move there once this house sells and the school year ends). He wants to convince me that Mormonism is right. He told me I should go talk to a bishop, that I wouldn't be told what to believe, that the bishop's there to help. I don't want that. I know he means well, but I don't want that. Besides, I know the bishop. I knew him before he was appointed as bishop. I babysat his kids. He knows me. It would be too awkward.
And my dad assumed (correctly) that my conversion to Christianity is related to discussions I've had with people, especially online.
After my dad hung up (I basically told him I didn't want to talk about things with him then), I talked to Vyse.
I went over to a friend's house and called my house, leaving a message on the answering machine, telling my mom where I was but that I needed time to think, that I wasn't ready to talk to her about this yet.
I talked with Vyse from there on the phone. Then I slept. I woke up feeling terrible about leaving my family like that. I felt so bad about just leaving my mom and my 5 younger siblings. It was only like a day, but it wasn't just a "Hey, I'm moving out" thing-- which would have been bad enough-- It was a "I don't believe in your religion anymore and I'm leaving" thing. They're afraid for me.
My mom had called me at that house and said that I was always welcome home. Even if I stayed at a friend's, she offered me the car and the use of a cell phone.
I started walking home (it wasn't far at all) with the intent to talk to my mom (and maybe some siblings), eat something, then take the car so I would be all set for school tomorrow. By the time I got to my house, I had decided that I wasn't going to stay the night at my friend's house.
I came home and a sister who definitely isn't the hugging type came and gave me a hug. Someone from church was there at my house, but that's normal. He was visiting for the monthly "home teaching assignment." Basically, people and families are assigned people who check and make sure that everything's going ok, that all needs (financial, emotional, spiritual, etc) are met. So, that person was there when I came home. I joined my family in the family room and listened to the monthly lesson thing (it was about repentence). I couldn't avoid it really.
My dad called on the phone during it. He talked with the home teacher. I think my dad told him about me because he looked over in my direction.
My sisters and little brother and missed me. Two of them drew pictures for me (one of our family, one of my favorite pokémon, Bulbasaur). My little brother was clingy. Ever since my dad moved to start work, he's been afraid of people leaving.
My mom's having a difficult time. She has reminded me a couple of times that she'd like to talk with me when I'm ready. I won't be ready for a while...
But, now that she knows, I may be able to take the car on Sundays and find a Christian church to attend. I'll just call subs to fill in for me on piano for the next like 6 weeks until my family moves. Depending on how this goes, I may stay here while they go ahead. I do have a place with my friend's family and I could get a job here. Save up for an apartment.
I feel bad about not sticking with things. I have more computer/phone access here, though, and currently all my support is online or through phone. And despite my friend's family's hospitality, I felt like a huge burden as I thought of all they were doing for me.
I decided to just stay at my house. I felt like I was ruining everyone's lives, though. I just feel selfish. =/ I'd told Vyse I'd try to stay away from home for a while so that I wouldn't be pressured to go back to Mormonism. I planned to stay away for at least a week in order to clear my thoughts. I didn't do well at following through with that. =/ And I still feel bad about how my family feels about this. I just didn't know how else to deal with things.
I went and got my things from my friend's house.
I'm not going back to Mormonism. I feel like my mom won't pressure me as much. My dad would, but he's hundreds of miles away. They mean well. I don't blame them for wanting me back to their belief system. I'm avoiding this topic with them now. When I'm ready, I'll explain why I believe what I do, why I left that church for Christianity. But that may take a little while.
So... yeah. I'm home with my family and my family knows, so I won't be expected to go to church with them anymore. No more making up excuses, no more lying about it. If things become intolerable, I can still go to that friend's house. That offer is there.
Thank you again for the help you've given.