Chapter 1
“So, let me get this straightâ€
Critiques Needed!!
19 posts •
Page 1 of 1
Critiques Needed!!
Hi, everyone. I'm attempting to enter a contest with a short story, or rather, a "3 hour book" as the category goes. I'll post the first draft of the first chapter of my story and I ask you to please give me some feedback. The story is strong in my head but I'm not sure if I'm employing a good tone, if I'm being too expository or if my prose is just sounding empty and unrythmic. Thanks in advance to everyone taking the time to do so.
Chapter 1
“So, let me get this straightâ€
Chapter 1
“So, let me get this straightâ€
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
That was an understatement. He had fallen back to ground and was laughing uncontrollably, tears being squeezed at the corner of his eyes. It was a well-natured, contagious and honest laughter, devoid of mockery and dismissal. But it was laughter nevertheless.
“Heavens!” gasped Jeff for air, “that was a good one! I mean, I managed to keep a straight face the whole time, y’know, humouring you, as it’s obvious that you put a whole lot of effort on this; but really, my dear, the sacred-order thing was a bit too much over the top. It’s really a shame! The rest of the story was really good, but those illuminati-like conspirations are just hackneyed and cliché… you even went and added the unavoidable “they killed my father” line!” And with this, he fell into a renewed fit of laughter.
Maggie simply looked at him tenderly, with the big, indulgent smile she had rehearsed for this moment, fighting back courageously the powerful stream of tears that bubbled behind her eyes roaring to be set free. Silly, ol’ good Jeff. So brilliant and yet, so unimaginative. So sweet and yet, so narrow minded. Laughing like a kid amused by something he can’t understand. She couldn’t possibly blame him. She would most likely be the same in his circumstances. She almost envied his naïve carefreeness. And to think that she had tried to pull him away from his safe home and his boyish happiness to a journey without destiny or end. Without a place to call home. She shook her head at the sheer stupidity that had been to even hope for a different outcome and quickly wiped with the back of her hand a tear that managed to slide free from that motion.
Jeff did not notice the tear but did notice the headshake, and that was enough to make him compose himself as better as he managed. “Aw luv, you know I’m not laughing at you. Honestly! But please don’t tell me that you really expected me to fall for that.” he said embracing her with his left arm. “It was really good, I’ll give you that. At least the first half. I almost felt curious about this time ‘blink’ procedure. But you also need to give some credit to me! That kind of stuff is comic books material. We haven’t spent the last two years studying physics at (insert British university here) not to know better!”
Feeling Jeff’s arm around her shoulder, so close, and yet so far –yes, more than 250 years apart in some ways, was hurting her more than she could stand, so she escaped his embrace in mock indignation and stood up, brushing aside the remnants of grass sticking to her skirt. “Is that so, now? I do believe that I could expect that and more from the ‘Schroedinger incident’ boy!” she remarked messing his hair playfully with her hands.
Jeff laughed and caught her hands. “Dear me! You are going to keep rubbing that silly thing in my face until the end of my days, aren’t you?”
“You bet!” said she pulling her hands free and stepping away wincing inside.
“Are you going already? Come on, stay a bit longer; it is a rather warm afternoon for this time of the year,” smiled Jeff warmly. “Tell you what? you can keep telling me that story and I promise I’ll nod politely and ask relevant questions. More importantly, I promise not to laugh unless you add another silly thing like aliens or robots.”
“Idiot!” answered her, sticking out her tongue. “I have to do some shopping; you may come along if you so wish.”
“No, no, that’s alright. I barely made it alive that one time I agreed to go.”
She giggled and said “Suit yourself.” Then she gave him her best smile and walked away climbing the small slope that separated them from the road.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” called Jeff to her back.
With those simple words, the makeshift dam of willpower that had miraculously held her tears until then, finally crumbled away, and she let the tears flow down almost with relief as they were hid from him. With a last effort she waved her hand to signal agreement and then, she was gone.
End of chapter one.
P.S. If you notice any stupid grammar or spelling mistake as well, please let me know, thanks and I hope you liked it!
“Heavens!” gasped Jeff for air, “that was a good one! I mean, I managed to keep a straight face the whole time, y’know, humouring you, as it’s obvious that you put a whole lot of effort on this; but really, my dear, the sacred-order thing was a bit too much over the top. It’s really a shame! The rest of the story was really good, but those illuminati-like conspirations are just hackneyed and cliché… you even went and added the unavoidable “they killed my father” line!” And with this, he fell into a renewed fit of laughter.
Maggie simply looked at him tenderly, with the big, indulgent smile she had rehearsed for this moment, fighting back courageously the powerful stream of tears that bubbled behind her eyes roaring to be set free. Silly, ol’ good Jeff. So brilliant and yet, so unimaginative. So sweet and yet, so narrow minded. Laughing like a kid amused by something he can’t understand. She couldn’t possibly blame him. She would most likely be the same in his circumstances. She almost envied his naïve carefreeness. And to think that she had tried to pull him away from his safe home and his boyish happiness to a journey without destiny or end. Without a place to call home. She shook her head at the sheer stupidity that had been to even hope for a different outcome and quickly wiped with the back of her hand a tear that managed to slide free from that motion.
Jeff did not notice the tear but did notice the headshake, and that was enough to make him compose himself as better as he managed. “Aw luv, you know I’m not laughing at you. Honestly! But please don’t tell me that you really expected me to fall for that.” he said embracing her with his left arm. “It was really good, I’ll give you that. At least the first half. I almost felt curious about this time ‘blink’ procedure. But you also need to give some credit to me! That kind of stuff is comic books material. We haven’t spent the last two years studying physics at (insert British university here) not to know better!”
Feeling Jeff’s arm around her shoulder, so close, and yet so far –yes, more than 250 years apart in some ways, was hurting her more than she could stand, so she escaped his embrace in mock indignation and stood up, brushing aside the remnants of grass sticking to her skirt. “Is that so, now? I do believe that I could expect that and more from the ‘Schroedinger incident’ boy!” she remarked messing his hair playfully with her hands.
Jeff laughed and caught her hands. “Dear me! You are going to keep rubbing that silly thing in my face until the end of my days, aren’t you?”
“You bet!” said she pulling her hands free and stepping away wincing inside.
“Are you going already? Come on, stay a bit longer; it is a rather warm afternoon for this time of the year,” smiled Jeff warmly. “Tell you what? you can keep telling me that story and I promise I’ll nod politely and ask relevant questions. More importantly, I promise not to laugh unless you add another silly thing like aliens or robots.”
“Idiot!” answered her, sticking out her tongue. “I have to do some shopping; you may come along if you so wish.”
“No, no, that’s alright. I barely made it alive that one time I agreed to go.”
She giggled and said “Suit yourself.” Then she gave him her best smile and walked away climbing the small slope that separated them from the road.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” called Jeff to her back.
With those simple words, the makeshift dam of willpower that had miraculously held her tears until then, finally crumbled away, and she let the tears flow down almost with relief as they were hid from him. With a last effort she waved her hand to signal agreement and then, she was gone.
End of chapter one.
P.S. If you notice any stupid grammar or spelling mistake as well, please let me know, thanks and I hope you liked it!
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
Yeah, lots of little grammar mistakes. Something to keep in mind: Nothing kills a manuscript faster than an editor who feels like the writer didn't bother to proof read. If you want to be taken seriously, you must take grammar seriously.
“So, let me get this straight[comma]” said Jeff gravely.
Jeff, who had been sitting down on the ground, leaned backwards, laying his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill at which foot they were, staring into a river shining yellow on the light of the sunset. [awkward, gangly sentence. Break it into two?]
“I-it’s not exactly a time machine” mumbled Maggie, a massive heap of reddish-brown curly hair sitting atop of a comparatively minuscule young female body which seemed to exist solely as an accessory for the hair to cascade down and coruscate over capriciously. [another, gangly sentence. break it up, and lose 'coruscate'--it screams 'thesaurus!']
Maggie [quit] staring at Jeff and concentrated [on] what she decided was the greenest blade of grass between her feet.
Do you mean that you travel through time using magic?” [s]aid Jeff slowly....
“What [do] you mean?” said Jeffrey raising an eyebrow.
“Better get this done with already, no need to beat around the [bush] any longer,”
....Please don’t tell me that Newton also came up with a… uhm, technology that allowed him to appear like a hot [twenty two year] old girl.”
“That’s so [like] Jeff!” reflected Maggie fondly.
“Wait[comma]” [interrupted] Jeff stretching and going back to a sitting position, “that’s fascinating and I want to hear the rest of it, but before that, I want to know why you are telling me this. I mean, why now[?] We’ve [known] each other for over two years now. Why didn’t you [tell] me before? Or [for] that matter, why not later? This is the kind of [revelation] you spurt when you are old and lying on your death bed, with the double purpose of escaping any reproach or controversy via the sweet release of death, and of leaving behind the gnawing question whether you were saying the truth, playing a joke or plainly hallucinating in the last throes of your senility.” [the last bit is a mouth full--would he really be thinking that comprehensively about dead bed motives right now?]
Maggie sighed and let go [of] Jeff’s arm, looking away. Did she really expect for a single moment Jeff, Jeff among all people, [would not ask] so many questions? She [should've known] better.
And for the [last] two and a half years I allowed myself to believe he had succeeded.
It felt as if something blunt and jagged was being pressed against her heart until [it tore] asunder.
Jeff did not notice the tear but did notice the headshake, and that was enough to make him compose himself [as better as he managed.???] “Aw luv, you know I’m not laughing at you. Honestly! But please don’t tell me that you really expected me to fall for that[comma]” he said embracing her with his left arm.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then[comma]” called Jeff to her back.
There are probably more typos, but those are the ones I noticed. In terms of the story itself, I like it. It's sweet, but a bit predictable...in other words it won't win any awards for originality, so your characters and execution will be crucial to success. It's also very dialog heavy, so to counter that I might suggest streamlining the dialog as much as possible.
Question: These hunters who abhor alchemy...if they hate it so much, why would they use it to chase her? That's hypocritical. Wouldn't they instead camp out for 49 years and wait for her to reappear?
“So, let me get this straight[comma]” said Jeff gravely.
Jeff, who had been sitting down on the ground, leaned backwards, laying his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill at which foot they were, staring into a river shining yellow on the light of the sunset. [awkward, gangly sentence. Break it into two?]
“I-it’s not exactly a time machine” mumbled Maggie, a massive heap of reddish-brown curly hair sitting atop of a comparatively minuscule young female body which seemed to exist solely as an accessory for the hair to cascade down and coruscate over capriciously. [another, gangly sentence. break it up, and lose 'coruscate'--it screams 'thesaurus!']
Maggie [quit] staring at Jeff and concentrated [on] what she decided was the greenest blade of grass between her feet.
Do you mean that you travel through time using magic?” [s]aid Jeff slowly....
“What [do] you mean?” said Jeffrey raising an eyebrow.
“Better get this done with already, no need to beat around the [bush] any longer,”
....Please don’t tell me that Newton also came up with a… uhm, technology that allowed him to appear like a hot [twenty two year] old girl.”
“That’s so [like] Jeff!” reflected Maggie fondly.
“Wait[comma]” [interrupted] Jeff stretching and going back to a sitting position, “that’s fascinating and I want to hear the rest of it, but before that, I want to know why you are telling me this. I mean, why now[?] We’ve [known] each other for over two years now. Why didn’t you [tell] me before? Or [for] that matter, why not later? This is the kind of [revelation] you spurt when you are old and lying on your death bed, with the double purpose of escaping any reproach or controversy via the sweet release of death, and of leaving behind the gnawing question whether you were saying the truth, playing a joke or plainly hallucinating in the last throes of your senility.” [the last bit is a mouth full--would he really be thinking that comprehensively about dead bed motives right now?]
Maggie sighed and let go [of] Jeff’s arm, looking away. Did she really expect for a single moment Jeff, Jeff among all people, [would not ask] so many questions? She [should've known] better.
And for the [last] two and a half years I allowed myself to believe he had succeeded.
It felt as if something blunt and jagged was being pressed against her heart until [it tore] asunder.
Jeff did not notice the tear but did notice the headshake, and that was enough to make him compose himself [as better as he managed.???] “Aw luv, you know I’m not laughing at you. Honestly! But please don’t tell me that you really expected me to fall for that[comma]” he said embracing her with his left arm.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then[comma]” called Jeff to her back.
There are probably more typos, but those are the ones I noticed. In terms of the story itself, I like it. It's sweet, but a bit predictable...in other words it won't win any awards for originality, so your characters and execution will be crucial to success. It's also very dialog heavy, so to counter that I might suggest streamlining the dialog as much as possible.
Question: These hunters who abhor alchemy...if they hate it so much, why would they use it to chase her? That's hypocritical. Wouldn't they instead camp out for 49 years and wait for her to reappear?
-
Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Your aid is greatly appretiated and I'm sincerely thankful for your taking the time to read and point all those corrections, it's been most useful.
I do proofread, but all these little grammar and spelling mistakes usually take me several passes to be totally noticed, if noticed at all. (english is my second language and I still wrestle with some vices result of an initially flawed teaching of it). And "coruscate" is not thesaurus haha, I did read it once or twice and thought it was an amazing word, though I shouldn't use it gratuitously, you are right on that. However, it makes me a bit sad to hear it lacks in originality. I believed that a time traveler coming from the past as opposed from the future was an interesting reversal of the trope.
When I first planned the chapter, I wanted to make the dialogue ambiguous enough so the reader would be left at the end with a concevaible doubt about the veracity of maggie's story, but as I centered the narrator on her, she demanded her emotions to be taken in account and in the end, the tone of the whole chapter shifter, sacrificing cleverness and unpredictability for emotivity. Nevertheless, I will endeavour to improve the execution as much as possible as you suggest.
Finally, to answer your question, that matter will be explained in the next chapter when the "inquisitors" appear, but here's a small spoiler: They feared that at some point in the future the order would cease to exist, especially if taken in account meddling by time travelers. They did wait the first 49+ years (while they were gathering the information and making preparations anyway) but after the second blink, they concluded the time traveleres needed to be taken down as quickly and effectively as possible. The couple of handpicked time-traveling inquisitors are perfectly aware of having trasgressed the very same rules they strieve to guard and upon completing their mission, plan to end their own lives and hopefully be sent to the purgatory, though they believe they might be risking eternal condemnation. They may be narrowminded and zealotic, but there's something to be said about their commitment and the integrity of their belief.
Once again, thanks for your time and help
I do proofread, but all these little grammar and spelling mistakes usually take me several passes to be totally noticed, if noticed at all. (english is my second language and I still wrestle with some vices result of an initially flawed teaching of it). And "coruscate" is not thesaurus haha, I did read it once or twice and thought it was an amazing word, though I shouldn't use it gratuitously, you are right on that. However, it makes me a bit sad to hear it lacks in originality. I believed that a time traveler coming from the past as opposed from the future was an interesting reversal of the trope.
When I first planned the chapter, I wanted to make the dialogue ambiguous enough so the reader would be left at the end with a concevaible doubt about the veracity of maggie's story, but as I centered the narrator on her, she demanded her emotions to be taken in account and in the end, the tone of the whole chapter shifter, sacrificing cleverness and unpredictability for emotivity. Nevertheless, I will endeavour to improve the execution as much as possible as you suggest.
Finally, to answer your question, that matter will be explained in the next chapter when the "inquisitors" appear, but here's a small spoiler: They feared that at some point in the future the order would cease to exist, especially if taken in account meddling by time travelers. They did wait the first 49+ years (while they were gathering the information and making preparations anyway) but after the second blink, they concluded the time traveleres needed to be taken down as quickly and effectively as possible. The couple of handpicked time-traveling inquisitors are perfectly aware of having trasgressed the very same rules they strieve to guard and upon completing their mission, plan to end their own lives and hopefully be sent to the purgatory, though they believe they might be risking eternal condemnation. They may be narrowminded and zealotic, but there's something to be said about their commitment and the integrity of their belief.
Once again, thanks for your time and help
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
Second language? In that case you are completely excused--I know how tough foreign grammar can be. I suggest you find a friend or two who are very good at grammar and have them proofread everything before you submit this to the contest.I do proofread, but all these little grammar and spelling mistakes usually take me several passes to be totally noticed, if noticed at all. (english is my second language and I still wrestle with some vices result of an initially flawed teaching of it).
However, it makes me a bit sad to hear it lacks in originality. I believed that a time traveler coming from the past as opposed from the future was an interesting reversal of the trope.
Sorry, I realize I was a bit blunt, let me clarify what I meant. The way your time travel works is interesting...the 49 year limit and always forward limits are good. My originality comment was directed at the fact that there is enough similar material to other stories that Jeff actually makes fun of this. While it's interesting that you make fun of the cliches, it doesn't change the fact that they are cliches. (lonely time traveller, father dying, secret order chasing, etc...)
Now, it's hard to write original stuff these days. Every basic plot has been done before. Case in point, I'm planning on writing a story about a student struggling in a military academy. Is that original? Not at all!--just look at Ender's Game. So in order for my story to stand out as worth reading, it will need good deep characters and unpredictable plot twists. It must seem like a 'fresh' idea even if it isn't.
As far as my dialog comment, I guess what I intended to say is that it's generally unwise to use dialog solely for the purpose of conveying raw chunks of plot crucial information. Now in your story, the reason for all your explaining of scientific rules and stuff is fairly well justified and serves some additional purpose in characterization. But it's just something else to be mindful of. If there is a way to communicate that sort of information outside of a lot of direct dialog, it's usually the better choice.
I had one more thought. Maggie expected Jeff to question and disbelieve her. Would there have been any way that she could have provided him with proof? Is there any piece of equipment, or Newton relic, or something she could have shown him in an attempt to convince him? If not, okay, but if there was, I figured she would have tried to be prepared to answer his skepticism with evidence. His continued laughter in the face of such evidence would make her disappointment/sense of failure even stronger.
Anyway, good luck with this. Definitely let us know how it goes.
-
Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
I'm going to chime in on the dialogue as well, I'm afraid. But first, I want to say, this is a good idea and an excellent start at implementing it.
Now for the problems I see. Esoteric already did a good job on the grammar isses, so I'll skip that and go to some style issues.
First and foremost, I have a great deal of difficulty believing in Maggie thanks to her manner of speech. She's 'too 21st Century.'
I have a pretty good perspective on this; when I was a little boy, I listened to a lot of stories told by elderly relatives who learned to speak in the late 19th century. I can testitfy that even from then to now, speech patterns have changed drastically. Think about how much more from the early 18th century, nearly three times farther back.
It's not that you have to make her speak perfect Enlightenment period English; just make sure she sounds more old fashioned. You can excuse any anachronisms because she's been stopping once per jubilee and presumably picking stuff up along the way, but she won't have been updating herself so completely.
For example: statements like 'That's so Jeff' (or even 'That's so like Jeff') would be out of place even in dialog from the 1970s. We just didn't say stuff like that when I was in school. Remember; any elderly women who you know aren't speaking like elderly women so much as they are speaking like teenagers of the 1940s and 1950s. They are dropping the slang terms and other mannerisms in order to 'be adults', but that bobby-soxer or poodle-skirted high-schooler is still inside there somewhere.
You can perhaps even make this an element that leads Jeff to not immediately reject her. Something like 'she always seemed a bit out-of-date' or such.
Second, I suggest you go back and eliminate at least half of your adverbs. As an example, go to the third paragraph and remove the words 'tenderly', 'courageously' and 'possibly', then read it back. To me, it sounds much stronger this way, less tentative, and it loses no meaning at all.
Third, quotes within dialog should use single quotation marks. (That's not opinion, it's straight out of the Chicago Manual of Style.)
Finally, paragraphs...
You're fine until you hit dialog. By nature, each line of dialog is technically a paragraph on its own. If it is firmly attached to neighboring narrative for some reason, we can glue them together. But, you should never end up with lines from one character and lines or actions of another character in the same paragraph. Your first paragraph is a case in point.
Now for the problems I see. Esoteric already did a good job on the grammar isses, so I'll skip that and go to some style issues.
First and foremost, I have a great deal of difficulty believing in Maggie thanks to her manner of speech. She's 'too 21st Century.'
I have a pretty good perspective on this; when I was a little boy, I listened to a lot of stories told by elderly relatives who learned to speak in the late 19th century. I can testitfy that even from then to now, speech patterns have changed drastically. Think about how much more from the early 18th century, nearly three times farther back.
It's not that you have to make her speak perfect Enlightenment period English; just make sure she sounds more old fashioned. You can excuse any anachronisms because she's been stopping once per jubilee and presumably picking stuff up along the way, but she won't have been updating herself so completely.
For example: statements like 'That's so Jeff' (or even 'That's so like Jeff') would be out of place even in dialog from the 1970s. We just didn't say stuff like that when I was in school. Remember; any elderly women who you know aren't speaking like elderly women so much as they are speaking like teenagers of the 1940s and 1950s. They are dropping the slang terms and other mannerisms in order to 'be adults', but that bobby-soxer or poodle-skirted high-schooler is still inside there somewhere.
You can perhaps even make this an element that leads Jeff to not immediately reject her. Something like 'she always seemed a bit out-of-date' or such.
Second, I suggest you go back and eliminate at least half of your adverbs. As an example, go to the third paragraph and remove the words 'tenderly', 'courageously' and 'possibly', then read it back. To me, it sounds much stronger this way, less tentative, and it loses no meaning at all.
Third, quotes within dialog should use single quotation marks. (That's not opinion, it's straight out of the Chicago Manual of Style.)
Finally, paragraphs...
You're fine until you hit dialog. By nature, each line of dialog is technically a paragraph on its own. If it is firmly attached to neighboring narrative for some reason, we can glue them together. But, you should never end up with lines from one character and lines or actions of another character in the same paragraph. Your first paragraph is a case in point.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May He cause His face to shine upon you.
May He lift up His countenance and grant you peace.
Feel free to visit My Writing.com Portfolio
Largo: "Well Ed, good to see ya. Guess I gotta beat the crap out of you now."
Jamie Hyneman: "It's just another lovely day at the bomb range. Birds are singing, rabbits are hopping about, and soon there's going to be a big explosion."
May He cause His face to shine upon you.
May He lift up His countenance and grant you peace.
Maokun: Ninjas or Pirates? (Vikings are not a valid answer, sorry)
EricTheFred: Vikings are always a valid answer.
Feel free to visit My Writing.com Portfolio
Largo: "Well Ed, good to see ya. Guess I gotta beat the crap out of you now."
Jamie Hyneman: "It's just another lovely day at the bomb range. Birds are singing, rabbits are hopping about, and soon there's going to be a big explosion."
-
EricTheFred - Posts: 1691
- Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 1:26 pm
- Location: Garland, TX
Hi Maokun, I've been reading your story so far and have been working on pieceing it together. O.k. First I want you to sit down. You're going to think I brought an axe, and I did. I worked over what you had posted real good, hacked it up and threw it in the pot of prose and redipped it out again. But I also have brought plenty of scotch tape, glue, and lot's of coffee. This is going to take a while. If it hurts, that's not a bad thing, I'm not here to tear you down, I'm here to lift you up. I didn't ace Composition in college because I gave the teacher an apple, the teach was sending them to me for advice because they was sinking as I went. (The teacher graded on a curve and guess who was the grade setter) In short I want you to have a good story, and you have a great start on a story line. But you are lacking in the mechanics of composition. When I say ghost-writing, I have rewritten it in a way to make it short, to the point, and easy to read. And if you want to use it, go ahead and use it, take the credit, I don't care. So long as you do your best, God will be pleased.
I think what you need to do is sit down and read this out loud to yourself. First forwards and then backwards.
Yes. Backwards. What it does is it forces your mind to sort those words into place. Then you will begin to see alot of the critiques you will get on your writing for yourself. You are being too expository and in a way it does sound empty and unrythmic.
Here let me give you an example.
Your prose: “So, let me get this straight” said Jeff gravely. “You are a time traveler. A time traveler from the past, to be precise.” Maggie, sitting beside him nodded in silent assent, as she tried to assess his reaction.
Jeff, who had been sitting down on the ground, leaned backwards, laying his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill at which foot they were, staring into a river shining yellow on the light of the sunset. One could say that he was a sort of an attractive looking young man. More accurately, one could say that, if one could see him without his glasses –awfully big and round contraptions that disrupted the size and shape of his face. However, as he is unfortunately wearing his glasses at the moment, the only thing that one could say is that he was a young man who allowed his worst enemies to pick his eyewear.
Your prose ghost written: "So, let me get this straight, Jeff said seriously. "You are a time traveller; from the past to be precise."
Jeff layed his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill, where they sat near the bottom, staring at a river reflecting the yellow light of the sunset. Maggie, who sat beside him, nodded in silent agreement, as she assessed his reaction. Jeff was sort of an attractive looking young man. If the right person would see Jeff without his big round spectacles, that disrupted the curves of his face, they would see Jeff differently. However, tonight Jeff is wearing those glasses, looking as if his worst enemy had chosen them for this occasion.
Does that flow any better for you?
See, if you are going to be in a writing contest, the first thing the editor is going to look at is flow, and you can bet he or she will read it aloud. If they have trouble getting through those first paragraphs, they're mind is going to be thinking "oh God" I hope I don't get more of those, instead of "How did Jeff and Maggie meet in the first place?", and I think we may have a semi-finalist.
In writing a story, and you're doing a short fiction, every word has to count. Like Eric the Fred said, start dumping adjectives, fast.
Red brown curly hair cascading down and coruscate over capriciously? And who is your audience? Uh, english majors? Let's ask Mr. Webster:
Coruscate: reflective beams of light
capriciously: Unpredicatably
cascade: a fall of material that hangs in a zigzag line.
Let's try this: her bountiful red-brown curly hair fell over her small body, reflecting beams of light everywhere. Maggie was beautiful and demanded notice. -Now that has got to be some serious conditioner every girl reading this will want to have. Woah! (P.S. don't accessorize Maggie, she's every girl's dream in your book, accessorizing her will make your readers feel you view her as a piece of property and not the individual and leader she is fleshed out to be.)
Here, I want you to see this. Your prose: "Do you mean that you travel through time using magic?" Said Jeff slowly, stressing the last word with what Maggie knew well to be scorn.
Ok... where you see the statement Said Jeff slowly... that doesn't flow because your not writing like how people's minds will read this. In other words you are forcing the reader's mind to stop, and re jumble the words until the say "Jeff said slowly." It makes it harder to read.
Two paragraphs later... your prose" Pray, tell me then..." Though in the beginning I began to think this was a modern day times setting, that statement from Jeff, jams me into 18th century suddenly. The shortly later he references the 18th century as a point in history. People don't talk 18th century like they used to, and if Jeff did, it would be consistent.
Don't use the word gravely, it's depressing. Use the word "seriously".
Stay consistent with the name Jeff, it identifies with your readers.
Greenest Blade of Grass should all be lower case.
22 year old, not years old. Here you identified how Jeff now views Maggie, that which in the beginning of the storyline, we ghostwrote her to be a hottie. Now the readers can say with clairity, Yeah buddy boy Jeff has himself a cute girl. Now we know why he's so attached to not freak out. When Jeff tried to validate his view of Maggie here, she acknowledges it in the next paragraph.
As I read the rest I noticed a few things but I covered them from above. Once you get started, you will see alot of it on your own.
Now, not quite done yet, just a few more things. Narrative hook.
Have you ever heard of that? let me share it just in case. The narrative hook is the first paragraph of the story line and whenever possible the first sentence or two. It's often the gunshot in the night or a dead homicde victim found, or in your case the light bulb going off in your readers head that perhaps the beautiful, gorgeous, red-brown, light reflecting hair of Maggie, the girl everyone has connected and identified with, may be in serious trouble.
If this was my story, you could make a sure bet my readers met Maggie and her problem before they met Jeff, even if Jeff was the main character. Because until you reach that epilog at the end of the story, those readers are going to fret with every page they turn, about poor Maggie and her plight. As a writer, that is exactly what you want. The other thing on their mind will be is the mystery of if the love of Jeff and Maggie are friends, or if he is going to get a lover's kiss out of Maggie before she is found by her nemesises (those she is running from).
Take this and put it in the beginning of your story. Work it in and make a narrative hook out of it, in a paragraph or two, that will land them on the river bank where Maggie reveals to her trusted and beloved the truth. No matter if he believes her or not.
Maokun, after all that, I hope I'm still your friend. You are a great writer with ton's and ton's of potential. This story of yours about Jeff and Maggie is going places if you do it right. Listen my friend, you are heavily blessed by God with a desire for writing. You just lack some of the basic writing skills, that's all. Time, Patience, studying your craft, and take heavy critique from those of us who love to write in love, and putting our advice to work for you. We all want you to be the best, we all are passionate about the written word, and we all know it's dog eat dog out there, which means we are going to be honest about writing well.
P.M. me later, let's talk. Post some more of this story of yours, let me look it over for you, because I like it and you got a great imagination.
Paul.
I think what you need to do is sit down and read this out loud to yourself. First forwards and then backwards.
Yes. Backwards. What it does is it forces your mind to sort those words into place. Then you will begin to see alot of the critiques you will get on your writing for yourself. You are being too expository and in a way it does sound empty and unrythmic.
Here let me give you an example.
Your prose: “So, let me get this straight” said Jeff gravely. “You are a time traveler. A time traveler from the past, to be precise.” Maggie, sitting beside him nodded in silent assent, as she tried to assess his reaction.
Jeff, who had been sitting down on the ground, leaned backwards, laying his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill at which foot they were, staring into a river shining yellow on the light of the sunset. One could say that he was a sort of an attractive looking young man. More accurately, one could say that, if one could see him without his glasses –awfully big and round contraptions that disrupted the size and shape of his face. However, as he is unfortunately wearing his glasses at the moment, the only thing that one could say is that he was a young man who allowed his worst enemies to pick his eyewear.
Your prose ghost written: "So, let me get this straight, Jeff said seriously. "You are a time traveller; from the past to be precise."
Jeff layed his back on the gentle slope of the grassy hill, where they sat near the bottom, staring at a river reflecting the yellow light of the sunset. Maggie, who sat beside him, nodded in silent agreement, as she assessed his reaction. Jeff was sort of an attractive looking young man. If the right person would see Jeff without his big round spectacles, that disrupted the curves of his face, they would see Jeff differently. However, tonight Jeff is wearing those glasses, looking as if his worst enemy had chosen them for this occasion.
Does that flow any better for you?
See, if you are going to be in a writing contest, the first thing the editor is going to look at is flow, and you can bet he or she will read it aloud. If they have trouble getting through those first paragraphs, they're mind is going to be thinking "oh God" I hope I don't get more of those, instead of "How did Jeff and Maggie meet in the first place?", and I think we may have a semi-finalist.
In writing a story, and you're doing a short fiction, every word has to count. Like Eric the Fred said, start dumping adjectives, fast.
Red brown curly hair cascading down and coruscate over capriciously? And who is your audience? Uh, english majors? Let's ask Mr. Webster:
Coruscate: reflective beams of light
capriciously: Unpredicatably
cascade: a fall of material that hangs in a zigzag line.
Let's try this: her bountiful red-brown curly hair fell over her small body, reflecting beams of light everywhere. Maggie was beautiful and demanded notice. -Now that has got to be some serious conditioner every girl reading this will want to have. Woah! (P.S. don't accessorize Maggie, she's every girl's dream in your book, accessorizing her will make your readers feel you view her as a piece of property and not the individual and leader she is fleshed out to be.)
Here, I want you to see this. Your prose: "Do you mean that you travel through time using magic?" Said Jeff slowly, stressing the last word with what Maggie knew well to be scorn.
Ok... where you see the statement Said Jeff slowly... that doesn't flow because your not writing like how people's minds will read this. In other words you are forcing the reader's mind to stop, and re jumble the words until the say "Jeff said slowly." It makes it harder to read.
Two paragraphs later... your prose" Pray, tell me then..." Though in the beginning I began to think this was a modern day times setting, that statement from Jeff, jams me into 18th century suddenly. The shortly later he references the 18th century as a point in history. People don't talk 18th century like they used to, and if Jeff did, it would be consistent.
Don't use the word gravely, it's depressing. Use the word "seriously".
Stay consistent with the name Jeff, it identifies with your readers.
Greenest Blade of Grass should all be lower case.
22 year old, not years old. Here you identified how Jeff now views Maggie, that which in the beginning of the storyline, we ghostwrote her to be a hottie. Now the readers can say with clairity, Yeah buddy boy Jeff has himself a cute girl. Now we know why he's so attached to not freak out. When Jeff tried to validate his view of Maggie here, she acknowledges it in the next paragraph.
As I read the rest I noticed a few things but I covered them from above. Once you get started, you will see alot of it on your own.
Now, not quite done yet, just a few more things. Narrative hook.
Have you ever heard of that? let me share it just in case. The narrative hook is the first paragraph of the story line and whenever possible the first sentence or two. It's often the gunshot in the night or a dead homicde victim found, or in your case the light bulb going off in your readers head that perhaps the beautiful, gorgeous, red-brown, light reflecting hair of Maggie, the girl everyone has connected and identified with, may be in serious trouble.
If this was my story, you could make a sure bet my readers met Maggie and her problem before they met Jeff, even if Jeff was the main character. Because until you reach that epilog at the end of the story, those readers are going to fret with every page they turn, about poor Maggie and her plight. As a writer, that is exactly what you want. The other thing on their mind will be is the mystery of if the love of Jeff and Maggie are friends, or if he is going to get a lover's kiss out of Maggie before she is found by her nemesises (those she is running from).
Take this and put it in the beginning of your story. Work it in and make a narrative hook out of it, in a paragraph or two, that will land them on the river bank where Maggie reveals to her trusted and beloved the truth. No matter if he believes her or not.
Maokun, after all that, I hope I'm still your friend. You are a great writer with ton's and ton's of potential. This story of yours about Jeff and Maggie is going places if you do it right. Listen my friend, you are heavily blessed by God with a desire for writing. You just lack some of the basic writing skills, that's all. Time, Patience, studying your craft, and take heavy critique from those of us who love to write in love, and putting our advice to work for you. We all want you to be the best, we all are passionate about the written word, and we all know it's dog eat dog out there, which means we are going to be honest about writing well.
P.M. me later, let's talk. Post some more of this story of yours, let me look it over for you, because I like it and you got a great imagination.
Paul.
"You heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." -Malcom Wallace. (Braveheart)
-
Paul - Posts: 181
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:14 am
- Location: Kansas
Firstly, I want to thank everyone of you for taking the time to help me out with this. This is already more than I expected and it's being immensely useful for me. I hope myself lucky enough to have your continued support on this endeavour of mine.
I thank you for your kindness, but I must consider myself not excused at all, as the judges will certainly not know -or care, about my language handicaps. I do have friends, amongst I shall dare to count you, guys, helping me correct these annoying little flaws and hopefully, by the end of the whole affair, some of them will stick in my memory allowing me to reduce its number in my future works. As usually the rest of your comment is spot-on and I now understand better what you meant in your first post.
As a matter of fact yes, I just felt this chapter was dragging a bit too long and I was afraid of adding something else. Please check my next post for mor information on this.
Yeah, this is spot-on as well. The truth is that I felt not confident enough to pull old-fashioned english (as I have problem with modern english at it is
) but I'm reading Sense and Sensibility which may prove of help towards this matter.
Yes, thanks! I fully know (from reading books on style) the importance of cutting down in adverbs. This is a big issue of mine, and trust me: as it stands now, I already made a conscious and painful effort to reduce the number of adverbs. Thanks for pointing that I need to go a step or two further.
These two points are really valuable as I didn't know exactly the rule on them and I was mostly going by instinct.
Thanks for your kind suggestions. I will not use exactly your wording as it seems to me that your style is quite different from my own (even if my own is embryonic at its best.) However, it helped me greatly to see how to rephrase some of my sentences in better flowing and less adverb-dependant ways. As for the Narrative Hook, well I believe that the "time traveler from the past" in the first line to be a rather intriguing one. This is after all, a sci-fi tale with youtful relationship undertones, not the other way around.
Really appretiated my friend. I surely shall be taking advantage of the kindness and insight offered to me in this thread to hopefully produce a story that even if does not manage to become a contest winner, will set me on my path to become a decent or better writer.
Esoteric (post: 1330094) wrote:Second language? In that case you are completely excused--I know how tough foreign grammar can be. I suggest you find a friend or two who are very good at grammar and have them proofread everything before you submit this to the contest.
I thank you for your kindness, but I must consider myself not excused at all, as the judges will certainly not know -or care, about my language handicaps. I do have friends, amongst I shall dare to count you, guys, helping me correct these annoying little flaws and hopefully, by the end of the whole affair, some of them will stick in my memory allowing me to reduce its number in my future works. As usually the rest of your comment is spot-on and I now understand better what you meant in your first post.
I had one more thought. Maggie expected Jeff to question and disbelieve her. Would there have been any way that she could have provided him with proof? Is there any piece of equipment, or Newton relic, or something she could have shown him in an attempt to convince him? If not, okay, but if there was, I figured she would have tried to be prepared to answer his skepticism with evidence. His continued laughter in the face of such evidence would make her disappointment/sense of failure even stronger.
As a matter of fact yes, I just felt this chapter was dragging a bit too long and I was afraid of adding something else. Please check my next post for mor information on this.
EricTheFred (post: 1330100) wrote:First and foremost, I have a great deal of difficulty believing in Maggie thanks to her manner of speech. She's 'too 21st Century.'
----
You can perhaps even make this an element that leads Jeff to not immediately reject her. Something like 'she always seemed a bit out-of-date' or such.
Yeah, this is spot-on as well. The truth is that I felt not confident enough to pull old-fashioned english (as I have problem with modern english at it is
) but I'm reading Sense and Sensibility which may prove of help towards this matter.Second, I suggest you go back and eliminate at least half of your adverbs. As an example, go to the third paragraph and remove the words 'tenderly', 'courageously' and 'possibly', then read it back. To me, it sounds much stronger this way, less tentative, and it loses no meaning at all.
Yes, thanks! I fully know (from reading books on style) the importance of cutting down in adverbs. This is a big issue of mine, and trust me: as it stands now, I already made a conscious and painful effort to reduce the number of adverbs. Thanks for pointing that I need to go a step or two further.
Third, quotes within dialog should use single quotation marks. (That's not opinion, it's straight out of the Chicago Manual of Style.)
Finally, paragraphs...
You're fine until you hit dialog. By nature, each line of dialog is technically a paragraph on its own. If it is firmly attached to neighboring narrative for some reason, we can glue them together. But, you should never end up with lines from one character and lines or actions of another character in the same paragraph. Your first paragraph is a case in point.
These two points are really valuable as I didn't know exactly the rule on them and I was mostly going by instinct.
Paul (post: 1330135) wrote:Now, not quite done yet, just a few more things. Narrative hook. Have you ever heard of that? let me share it just in case. The narrative hook is the first paragraph of the story line and whenever possible the first sentence or two. It's often the gunshot in the night or a dead homicde victim found, or in your case the light bulb going off in your readers head that perhaps the beautiful, gorgeous, red-brown, light reflecting hair of Maggie, the girl everyone has connected and identified with, may be in serious trouble.
If this was my story, you could make a sure bet my readers met Maggie and her problem before they met Jeff, even if Jeff was the main character. Because until you reach that epilog at the end of the story, those readers are going to fret with every page they turn, about poor Maggie and her plight. As a writer, that is exactly what you want. The other thing on their mind will be is the mystery of if the love of Jeff and Maggie are friends, or if he is going to get a lover's kiss out of Maggie before she is found by her nemesises (those she is running from).
Take this and put it in the beginning of your story. Work it in and make a narrative hook out of it, in a paragraph or two, that will land them on the river bank where Maggie reveals to her trusted and beloved the truth. No matter if he believes her or not.
Thanks for your kind suggestions. I will not use exactly your wording as it seems to me that your style is quite different from my own (even if my own is embryonic at its best.) However, it helped me greatly to see how to rephrase some of my sentences in better flowing and less adverb-dependant ways. As for the Narrative Hook, well I believe that the "time traveler from the past" in the first line to be a rather intriguing one. This is after all, a sci-fi tale with youtful relationship undertones, not the other way around.
Maokun, after all that, I hope I'm still your friend. You are a great writer with ton's and ton's of potential. This story of yours about Jeff and Maggie is going places if you do it right. Listen my friend, you are heavily blessed by God with a desire for writing. You just lack some of the basic writing skills, that's all. Time, Patience, studying your craft, and take heavy critique from those of us who love to write in love, and putting our advice to work for you. We all want you to be the best, we all are passionate about the written word, and we all know it's dog eat dog out there, which means we are going to be honest about writing well.
P.M. me later, let's talk. Post some more of this story of yours, let me look it over for you, because I like it and you got a great imagination.
Paul.
Really appretiated my friend. I surely shall be taking advantage of the kindness and insight offered to me in this thread to hopefully produce a story that even if does not manage to become a contest winner, will set me on my path to become a decent or better writer.
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
Due the great response I've received, I decided to post the initial notes I made as I came down with the character's personalities and atributes before starting to write. It may give you an idea of my process and what I am attempting to convey with the words and actions I put in their mouths. Please disregard the actual writing on this one as I just wrote at the speed the ideas were taking shape on my mind
Who is he?
His name is Jeffrey ~. At the time he met Maggie he was a dashing young man of 22 years. Smart, well read and well rose. Quite intelligent, with a mind for numbers. Despite having been some of sci-fi nerd during his teen years, has resolved to leave behind all “sillynessâ€
Who is he?
His name is Jeffrey ~. At the time he met Maggie he was a dashing young man of 22 years. Smart, well read and well rose. Quite intelligent, with a mind for numbers. Despite having been some of sci-fi nerd during his teen years, has resolved to leave behind all “sillynessâ€
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
I'm cool, my friend. Write on my fellow unrepentant verbavour! Attack that paper with prose! Weave delicately those guiding words to which your hero and heroin will guide your mouth watering readers into a world they have never seen before.
P.
P.
"You heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." -Malcom Wallace. (Braveheart)
-
Paul - Posts: 181
- Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:14 am
- Location: Kansas
I commend your bravery! Wow, um that doesn't leave you much time for polishing, but if you can post more by friday evening, Ill try my best to help proofread it over the weekend.Yeah, 10 days intertwined by 2 jobs and school, too But I'm commited to finish this. I have put off too many times my aspirations now, so I better man up!
Here are the first three chapters, proofread at the best of my capability. I heavily edited the first one following your advice, guys and tried to extrapolate it when proofreading the other two. I hope you will like it and that you'll be as savage as possible with your critique.
EDIT! Oh joy! The deadline is actually 31st August, not July! Yosh! However, I know I shall not slack.
But I'm commited to finish this. I have put off too many times my aspirations now, so I better man up!Here are the first three chapters, proofread at the best of my capability. I heavily edited the first one following your advice, guys and tried to extrapolate it when proofreading the other two. I hope you will like it and that you'll be as savage as possible with your critique.
EDIT! Oh joy! The deadline is actually 31st August, not July! Yosh! However, I know I shall not slack.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
EDIT! Oh joy! The deadline is actually 31st August, not July! Yosh! However, I know I shall not slack.
That's good...very good considering the weekend is over already!
I was starting to get worried.
I try to give it as much attention as I can this week, but you might not hear from me until sometime next weekend.
-
Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Okay well, I tried to catch as many typos and grammar issues as I could. I hope this helps.
Blue text notes the majority of changes. Everything from missing or misspelled words, to sentences reworked to sound less awkward.
Orange text is comments.
Pink text is suggested omissions and/or punctuation.
Blue text notes the majority of changes. Everything from missing or misspelled words, to sentences reworked to sound less awkward.
Orange text is comments.
Pink text is suggested omissions and/or punctuation.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
-
Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Hmmm, you have a solid base for a story (time travel with limits is never not a good plot device), but things appear to be moving a little quickly. No sooner do we meet our protagonists that they're already zipping through things. It may be valuable to scale back a bit, or spread it out just a touch, though some other comments indicate people thought it dragged so maybe I'm alone in this. Also, I would (personally) dis-advise using lines like "Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic," even in mocking. It's playing it a little too fast and loose to be lampshading tropes in that manner.
Most of the other posters have already picked out stuff like speech and grammar so I'll not comment on that.
I also think it would prove useful to dedicate a single paragraph each to their appearances, were proper, instead of just running into it after dialogue, or better yet to slowly sculpt them as the piece goes on, though again, this may be "Just me." Don't mention hair color until a character combs theirs back with their fingers for example, or that Jeff has glasses until he needs to push them back up the bridge of his nose to see. Things like that, overall just pacing.
I'm sorry I came in so late, or I might have been of more help.
Most of the other posters have already picked out stuff like speech and grammar so I'll not comment on that.
I also think it would prove useful to dedicate a single paragraph each to their appearances, were proper, instead of just running into it after dialogue, or better yet to slowly sculpt them as the piece goes on, though again, this may be "Just me." Don't mention hair color until a character combs theirs back with their fingers for example, or that Jeff has glasses until he needs to push them back up the bridge of his nose to see. Things like that, overall just pacing.
I'm sorry I came in so late, or I might have been of more help.
-
Fish and Chips - Posts: 4415
- Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 2:33 pm
- Location: Nowhere.
Esoteric (post: 1333565) wrote:Okay well, I tried to catch as many typos and grammar issues as I could. I hope this helps.
Blue text notes the majority of changes. Everything from missing or misspelled words, to sentences reworked to sound less awkward.
Orange text is comments.
Pink text is suggested omissions and/or punctuation.
I'm eternally indebted with you sir, for taking the time to do all this. YOur aid is most appreciated and your advice most helpful.
Fish and Chips (post: 1333769) wrote:Hmmm, you have a solid base for a story (time travel with limits is never not a good plot device), but things appear to be moving a little quickly. No sooner do we meet our protagonists that they're already zipping through things. It may be valuable to scale back a bit, or spread it out just a touch, though some other comments indicate people thought it dragged so maybe I'm alone in this.
You are not alone. The author certainly thinks the same. However, since this is not (yet?) a major scale novel, but rather a short entry for a contest with a limit of words-22,000-I've tried to keep things as succint as possible without cutting too much substance.
I also think it would prove useful to dedicate a single paragraph each to their appearances, were proper, instead of just running into it after dialogue, or better yet to slowly sculpt them as the piece goes on, though again, this may be "Just me." Don't mention hair color until a character combs theirs back with their fingers for example, or that Jeff has glasses until he needs to push them back up the bridge of his nose to see. Things like that, overall just pacing.
This is really good avice, I will try to adapt it into my work.
I'm sorry I came in so late, or I might have been of more help.
It's alright, it's not late by any means and I'm grateful that you took the time to check it and add useful comments.
-
Maokun - Posts: 1135
- Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 2:55 am
- Location: The Valley of the Wind
19 posts •
Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 70 guests