Offroading.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Things are kind of coming to a head for me. Not in the kicking, screaming, fist through drywall sort of way but a kind of weird disconnected intellectual way.

I've been walking away from God. I'm not overly concerned for my salvation. I'm a very once saved always saved thing, and I know that I meant it when I brought Jesus in to my life. He and I have been at odds lately, though. And I just kind of... stopped talking. Soon it became easier just not to do anything. Without spirituality being thrown in my face every day like it was in grad school, it's become incredibly easy to become a lazy and complacent Christian just like the rest of the masses who check off that marker on polls.

Some of it comes from a sudden vaccuum in the constant exposure to God and fellow believers that came from being a student in a ministry program at college. The rest of it comes from disappointment and frustration in trying to follow what, for the last six years, I thought was my calling, and fought every instinct and natural inclination to pursue. Now I've got a degree that essentially counts for nothing and for awhile it seemed like God would say yes for something then slam the door in my face, which in all honesty is probably more my perception of the situation than it is the reality.

I spent a lot of time this fall alternating between enraged and feeling like I'd been robbed of my life's purpose. A lot of that has shifted. I've moved on, really. In some ways it really was a blessing. I've had decreasing trust in my capabilities to be the pastor of a congregation, alternately, the district super intendent of my denomination told me she envisioned me as a college professor which is really what I wanted to do all along - or at least what I wanted to do when I retired from being a Pastor. So, suffice to say I've moved on from that, but my closeness never actually returned.

The weird thing is that I aknowledge this, and on some level it bothers me. On another level I just kind of shrug and say "meh, I'll do it tomorrow." This has lead to cycles where for about two weeks I'll be fired up, and then it drops off very dramatically and I go back to my own way.

I'm not particularly asking for advice. I mean, if you've got it, that's awesome, but that's not really the reason why I'm bringing this here. I'm bringing this here for the reason this forum was created: Prayer.

I need back up in a huge way.

I think everyone in this forum can agree that I've changed a lot in the last year. I'm not gonna go on some "I'm the cancer that's killing CAA" rant, because even though I've participated, that's hardly why I'm here right now. It's not the forum changing me. I'm just changing. And I'm bringing that to every aspect of my life. I've kind of let the sarcastic jerk take over everything. When I'm not keeping a very tight rein on myself I tend to be kind of a prick, which I think is becoming more and more obvious, at least to me. I'm sure others have seen it as well. Honestly, I apologize.

But yeah, why I'm here. I'm trying to work out my own faith with fear and trembling, and I'm not having much luck. I'm praying but the feeling just isn't there. I'm attempting to fall back in to old habits, but they're not sticking or clicking. If you could just say a few words on my behalf... I don't know. There it is.

[goldenspines]

I'll definitely keep you in my prayers, Etoh.

[Makachop^^128]

I will pray for u sounds difficult

[Roz]

The fact that you recognize the problem and want to change is the first step .

Please know that I am praying for you.

[Tsukuyomi]

I'll be praying as well and you konw we have your back ^^



(Aaaaaaaand, you can always come back ^___^ We all miss talking to you ^__^)

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Oh, I'm going nowhere. I prefer having a community that forces me to at least SOME standard, plus I'm pretty fond of some of ya. I understand that the problem is really mine, so a pilgrimage away from here's not going to do me any good.

Thank you guys.