Help with Japanese? XD

[animechica]

Alright, for all you more seasoned speakers out there, wanna help me out?
I'm writing a song for a game I want to make and I was thinking of writing it in Japanese (because at least for me, Japanese is way easier to sing than English). However, I don't have a lot of knowledge of what would actually make sense and what would just sound stupid to Japanese speakers. I'm not the best with sentence structure.

What I have written out so far:
(In parentheses are what I hope the lyrics are conveying.)

Itsumo taiyou kagayaku ni
(The sun always shines on me)
Itsu koi ni atashi no mune sotto GOROGORO
(When I'm in love my chest softly purrs)

Anata tokidoki NAISU naishi MEAN
(You're sometimes nice and sometimes mean)
Batsu motte sotto NEKO BAITSU
(I'll punish you with a soft cat bite)

Haji atashi no te
(Hold my hand)
Imadoki I SMILE FOR YOU
(These days I smile for you)
Datte kyou wa hi Kami-sama kureru ikiteru tameni
(Since today is the day God gave me to be alive)

Soshite ima miru honto atashi wa anata no neko
(And now I see I'm really your cat)
anata no neko tsukeru COLLAR itsumademo MY LIFE!
(Your cat to wear your collar forever in my life)


Feel free to rip this apart since I don't have the most impressive grasp on Japanese. I need all the help I can get, lol. So, help me polish it? ^_^

[EricTheFred]

I am not the expert you are looking for. However, I have two that I'm unsure about:

'Haji atashi no te'

The word order looks odd to me. Something like 'Atashi no te wo haji' looks more likely to me. However, is 'Haji' really a verb? I would expect a 're' or 'te' ending in this syntax.

The other is:

"Datte kyou wa hi Kami-sama kureru ikiteru tameni"

I'm thinking in this context you might express the 'since' as "kara".

I'm also struggling with 'hi Kami-sama'-- two vowels strung together without particles but they're not a compound-- and 'kureru ikiteru'-- two verbs strung together. As I said, though, I'm not sufficiently knowledgeable to say this isn't right. I can see that ikiteru is part of 'ikiteru tame ni', but I'm not sure that really works for 'to be alive'. If it does though, then maybe 'ikiteru tame ni kureru' is a less confusing word order.

Here's couple possibilities for the better experts to judge:

"Kyou wa Kami-sama ga ikiteru tame ni kureru kara,"

"Kono hi wa Kami-sama ga ikiteru tame ni kureru kara,"

[Aka-chan]

In all honesty, my best advice would be either get a native speaker's help or don't do it at all. Songs are like poems, which means that making them sound right, knowing what liberties to take, and getting it all to fit to the music is harder than just speaking. There are also patterns that are acceptable in songs that would sound weird in everyday conversation, and (though to a lesser extent, depending on the song) vice versa. And, at a beginner's level, you just haven't been taught the vocabulary that you'd probably want for a song (and, unfortunately, just looking it up in a dictionary often gets you weird nuances or unusual words if you don't have the sense of the meaning from experience.) I don't want to sound cold, and I definitely encourage you to continue your studies, but I'd also advise sticking to English for now. I've studied Japanese seriously for a good eight years now, and I've spent significant time living in Japan (plus practically grew up in a Japanese-American culture), but I still wouldn't try writing songs in Japanese without native speaker help. Songs are generally all about mood, and you can shatter that with one little mistake.

[shooraijin]

Aka-chan, as usual, makes an excellent point.

[Eddosan]

I've never submitted songs on Lang-8.com, but you could try it out Sapphi. I'm sure you'll get quick responses from natives there, especially if you have grammatical errors and stuff. They're generally really nice about it, too, if only superficially.

[animechica]

In all honesty, my best advice would be either get a native speaker's help or don't do it at all. Songs are like poems, which means that making them sound right, knowing what liberties to take, and getting it all to fit to the music is harder than just speaking. There are also patterns that are acceptable in songs that would sound weird in everyday conversation, and (though to a lesser extent, depending on the song) vice versa. And, at a beginner's level, you just haven't been taught the vocabulary that you'd probably want for a song (and, unfortunately, just looking it up in a dictionary often gets you weird nuances or unusual words if you don't have the sense of the meaning from experience.) I don't want to sound cold, and I definitely encourage you to continue your studies, but I'd also advise sticking to English for now. I've studied Japanese seriously for a good eight years now, and I've spent significant time living in Japan (plus practically grew up in a Japanese-American culture), but I still wouldn't try writing songs in Japanese without native speaker help. Songs are generally all about mood, and you can shatter that with one little mistake.

Hm, you make a good point.
Although when I thought about it, I thought in terms of "Well, Japanese-speaking people use English lyrics in their songs all the time, and a lot of the time they sound really awkward or make no sense, but it's alright.." XD I actually like listening to foreign songs written in English, even if they aren't grammatically correct. That's why I assumed it wouldn't be too worrisome.

[Aka-chan]

Hm, you make a good point.
Although when I thought about it, I thought in terms of "Well, Japanese-speaking people use English lyrics in their songs all the time, and a lot of the time they sound really awkward or make no sense, but it's alright.." XD I actually like listening to foreign songs written in English, even if they aren't grammatically correct. That's why I assumed it wouldn't be too worrisome.

It's true that the Japanese use a lot of (often incorrect) English in their songs, but you'll also note that, for the most part, the songs are completely Japanese with a little of another language thrown in unless it's someone like Def Tech or Angela Aki with actual native speakers involved. For non-native speakers with entirely English songs, they don't usually write their own songs but do covers of American pieces or have foreigners write the lyrics (SMAP, etc.)

And, while you may not be bothered by incorrect English in Japanese songs, do note that non-otaku often tend to treat the whole thing as kind of a joke. You're certainly free to write your own songs however you want, but maybe you want to start with something like English with a few lines of Japanese tossed in as you keep studying, especially if you want to write this for a game or something else that will go public and you want taken seriously. Or totally go for native speaker help. Just a few things to consider.

Again, I really don't want to sound overly negative, but I also know that some of my Japanese compositions from my early days of study absolutely make me cringe now. The last thing I would want is for them to be out there for anyone and everyone to see.