In a good bit of pain

[Sheenar]

Thanks for your prayers! I will pray for you as well (I love to support my friends and siblings in Christ!)

Yeah, I'm just going to be venting a little. If you guys want to skip this, I understand. I'm writing it just to get it out --and then maybe I can begin to address what's going on.

Things are crappy. Just crappy. I mean, yes, there are good things and I am blessed, but I still feel crappy.

My interview today with the Housing Authority left me pretty discouraged. I mean, I know God will provide the finances, I just don't know what the heck I'm getting myself into.

But I have no choice. I have nowhere to go --and this is the most affordable housing around. I'm just so frustrated and am not sure how to make ends meet. I'll have more bills then I will have income (unless I miraculously get a job --though I've been applying since February and have gotten NOTHING but a few rejection letters...)

I thought everything would go so well and that I'd be able to make it on my own. Now I find myself having to ask the church and ask the community for help just to barely make it. I just want to be able to support myself --to contribute something from society --and I find myself unable to even keep myself and Pebbles fed and housed on my own. I feel like a failure.

What good is a degree if you can't find a job? Anywhere?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and God is asking me if I'm going to trust Him. And I'm not sure. I mean, He's never let me down in my life and He has always made a way. But I still doubt that things will work out this time. But I have no choice but to trust Him. He is all that I have and the only hope that I have.

I'm upset, though. Post-graduation life is going to be hard. I'll have to make new friends, have no parents for support (which I haven't for over a year anyway), and have to depend on the kindness of the community just to survive while I am still searching for a job.

And I may not be able to keep Marzipan after all. It breaks my heart. I have wanted a cat for almost 5 years. My friend and I have just scheduled her to be spayed on May 21. I bought her a cat tree. And now I may have to back out --even though I made the commitment to take care of her and though I want her with me so badly. I don't know if I can take care of a cat, though --if I will barely be able to feed myself and Pebbles and keep a roof over my head, how on earth am I going to take care of a kitten? I am just so broken-hearted at the thought of not being able to keep her. And here I was thinking of getting a friend for her just a week ago --I had no idea that finances were going to be this tight after graduation.

On top of all this, I just found out today that my DARS caseworker (the man who helped get funds to pay for my school and books and who is helping me find a job) is back in the hospital. The chemo was really rough on him and I don't know what's going on, but it doesn't sound good. And I was supposed to have an appointment with him in the morning to go over job placement assistance with a local agency. It may still happen, it may not --I just have to wait until morning to find out.

Everything feels like it's falling on top of me. I just want to curl up and sleep for a while and wait for it to be over. But I can't. I have too much to do.

I go back to the Housing Authority on May 1 to pay my $50 deposit on my duplex. I should also find out soon if my church will be able to help any with paying the deposits for water, electricity, garbage, etc. And I do know of a program through the local Church of Christ that provides meals for people who are struggling financially. I may have to take them up on that. Every bit will help right now. The local mission also offers vouchers so that I can get things like pots and pans and other household items.

I'm going to keep applying for jobs. I'll try the university again. Also, some local vet clinics may be looking for a receptionist --I'll have to check.

I just feel terrible asking for help. I feel like such a burden. I feel that surely there are others more deserving who need it more then I do--I feel like I'm taking advantage of the system--after all, I am graduating with a Bachelor's degree and should be able to take care of myself --but then, I have no other recourse but to ask for help. I have nowhere else to go. It's either ask, or be homeless and hungry. So I have to suck up my pride and desire to just take care of things myself and allow myself to be served while I wait for things to pick up in the job department.

Life's lessons are never learned easily. And they really, really suck at the time, let me tell you...


Though I feel that I should be able to take care of all this myself --but I find myself in a situation where I need some help getting on my feet: soon to be fresh out of college, no job, no parents to help, and disabled (so I need special accommodations to be able to work).

So please pray that I am able to lay down my pride and ask for help -- and accept the help people offer. They would not offer if it were not a joy for them to give. And pray that I will not feel guilty, but be joyful that God is meeting my needs and not feel like I have to earn it somehow.

[Wind]

Hey Sheenar admiting you have the problem of pride is the first step... I have proven thourgh personal experience that pride is usually self blinding to us and so we don't know it's there until someone tells us. Constantly pray, the bible says to pray without ceasing and going to church helps too ok.. I will be praying for you too

[Sheenar]

Praise: I have a job interview on Tuesday!

[Reon]

Congratulations Sheenar! I'll be praying that everything goes well! Hearing your story as you fight against the odds is a great encouragement, no matter where you end up keep depending on God!

Thought it costs you everything! Get understanding! <3

[RandomBurrito]

Awesome!! I hope it all flows smoothly. How are you doing lately? God bless!

[Doubleshadow]

Hugs, sis. Still praying for you.