The next time I hear somebody say "I wish I was a deep thinker" I think I'll turn around and smack them. Being a deep thinker may be good in some cases, but ever since I was fourteen I've thought of weird stuff...like, REALLY weird stuff you normally don't give a slight thought to. And now it's causing me to feel like I can't even have any fun anymore.
Today's problem? Well...all of us are here because we like anime, correct? Well, with the exception of like...one person who comes to mind (the creator of Trigun), most anime creators either don't bring religion up at all, or, if they do, are obviously an atheist or a buddhist or just rely on silly things for help (fortunes and whatnot). Now normally I didn't agree with this, but unless their show was outright blasphemous or something, I didn't mind watching it. I mean, the only other reason I wouldn't watch a show is if the creator pulled a "Golden Compass" and came right out and said "the whole purpose of this story is to make people rebel against God".
Most people however don't even BRING the reason up for their story though, or, if they do, it all boils down to "it was for fun/entertainment". But now...I feel so worried.
Nobody knows the human heart besides God. I could buy shows by an atheist OR a Christian and have no certainty that the money is going to a good place. They may say they're one thing, but maybe deep down they believe something else. Also, they could be a non-believer, but...so what? That doesn't mean all their money goes to porn and witchcraft and, on the opposite end, nor does it mean all Christians use their money in good ways either.
Now it's left me feeling sick and scared. With the exception of food, clothes, etc. I feel like I can't buy anymore movies, tv shows, music, etc. because "I don't know where the money is going". I've asked my parents about it and got really no help except "you don't know, so why worry?!" but...this is what I fear.
I fear dying, standing before God and hearing "You KNEW you were taking a risk by buying this. You KNEW your money could support something evil, and yet you still did it anyways. Just to enjoy a stupid tv show or read a book." And I...can't do that. Like I said, if the show does stuff I find offensive or the author outright says "this is how I feel" then I won't have anything to do with it. But in 99% of the cases? YOU DON'T KNOW! And its so depressing...it's like besides what I've already bought, I can't go to the movies anymore, I can't buy any video games, anything, anything at all...
I know this is probably insane sounding, but I don't know what to do. My parents got mad at me when I asked earlier and it felt like they were too busy to help me. I've been asking God over and over for help, but I'm not getting an answer from them, so can anybody help me here? I mean...if God said "don't do it" I'd give up the world! But in this case? I just feel like my life will be nothing but "work, get food and clothes, read Bible, that's it". I mean...if I can't buy anything for entertainment or fun or collecting...then there isn't much else in life, is there?