I want to die

[rocklee24]

I'm sure you don't know who I am... But I'm RockLee24. And I want to talk with you...

I have a Japanese female friend who had a similar problem as yours... but I never imagined someone who suffered much worse until I read your post. She never knew who Lord Jesus is until after I spoke with her.

Her name is Kana.

She was abused as a child by her parents. For what reason, God only knows. During her high school days, she had lost so many friends; friends who wanted NOTHING to do with her. For what reason, He knows. Years later, after I tried to convince her to bring her kids to church with her, her husband threatened her to go by herself. He said that if she took her kids with her without his consent, he will divorce her and take her children with him. She, two weeks ago, had a former female friend who HATED Kana because she "is a bad mother." What caused her ex-friend to act that way... you know who knows.

Like you, Kana is also innocent, yet she is extremely fragile. She said to me that if she told me exactly what happened that caused all of this, Kana said that I will hate her, too.

Kunoichi... I will tell you those exact same words as I told my best friend, Kana...

"Kana-chan, when I said that you can trust me, I was wrong. Because, we know very little about each other. Technically.

However, as you being my best friend, I trust YOU. I trust you because you still continue to become a loving and caring person no matter the circumstances. Honestly, you are very fragile.

What I am trying to say you is... You said that If you told me why you were wrong, then I would be angry, upset, mad disappointed and you think that I may hate you.

If there is a chance that I can be upset at you, then it means that I have failed you as a friend. If I get angry at you, I will lose your friendship, and I will lose your love. I will lose Kana no Ai.

Kana, you are not a perfect person. I have made so many mistakes. I have learned from my mistakes because I am not afraid of my mistakes. The reason I am not afraid is because Lord Christ will never hate the sinner. He will always forgive me. He will always forgive you. Nothing you will say and do will ever make Him hate you. If He did, that means that Christ would have failed everyone as a savior, as He would have fail Father God. Wakarimasuka?

Kana. Please don't be afraid. No more secrets. No more regrets. No more apprehensions. I am the one who should apologize on behalf of your ex-friend.

Please forgive her."

Kunoichi, please forgive those who hurt you. Please forgive your family. But most of all: Please forgive YOURSELF. Our Dad will never leave you, nor forsake you. Our Dad will always welcome you with open arms and "Butterfly Kisses." Our Dad will always have a place for you in his comfy Home after this life. Our Dad will always be there in our lives if we let Him.

Ninja Girl, I don't know you. You don't know me. But know this:

I love you. Just as much as EVERYBODY in CAA loves you. Please allow me to be a part of your love.

Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read the message.

[Phantom_Sorano]

Hey Kelly....I was thinking about you and I wanted to see how you were doing. I have been praying for quite a bit lately...and I have a few verses to share with you:
Romans 11:36 "Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! Yes . Yes. Yes."
-Better things are yet to come....God is in control.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disater, to give you a future and a hope."
I have already told you a little bit of what happened to me, and I will be straight up when I write that I was very suicidal for a long time. This verse is my theme....meditate on it.
You mean so much to us here, Kelly. Remember that. I hopethat your pain in many ways has lessened.

[Kunoichi]

My Suicidal thoughts have not disappeared...but have diminished somewhat. I still fight it...and its still constant but well doesn't matter.

Honestly, I"m afraid to even post here anymore cuz I feel like i'm going to break if someone says how much of a fake I am or how I should be getting treatment not seeking help here or that i'm a liar or anything.

I'm fragile and that is true. I know what i have faced, so i guess in some ways I'm strong because I have had to fight to survive. I have had to cling to nothing but God and hope sometimes...or at best, the tether that maybe God will take me before I have to live the next day of hell. Man have I prayed that prayer so many times..that He would take me becuase I know that my life was not mine to take.

Rocklee: though I have never met you, I know that it takes great courage to both be a friend and at the same time to post something like this. For your friend, she is among us as a survivor and apparently, as it is always known, God did and has not given up on her. Even if the world has.

I"m dealing with the fact that as I grew up I was not nurtured and I did not know what love is. Some of you will say "yeah, well I had a bad childhood too and you don't see me whining about it." I'm not whining though, simply stating. I didn't know what love was. I don't think my mom tried to be that way, she just was incapable of showing it. She didn't really know how. I don't blame her for it. My sister was abusive to me...making me her slave (literally or else I was punished (hit, made to stay outside with no water, threatened etc)...it was bad. So everything is happening at once, overwhelming to say the least.

For someone who has PTSD, it makes it 100 x hard as I'm not able to process stress either mentally or physically like a "normal" person. I don't have the energy really to explain but you will have to look up the physical effects of being in trauma for a long time. Your adrenal glands don't work the right way and either overreact (which in my case is a lot due to PTSD and panic disorder) or don't do anything (which can be in teh case of emotional numbing).

I have forgiven those who have wronged me...both on CAA and in my own life. I know people are human, and will believe and say what they think is truth. It doesn't make it hurt less but I know that's what being human is. So i have forgiven them....even if I do still have to heal from the hurt of it.

So thank you all for being so caring about me....whether you believe it or not, it has hellped me keep going these last few days, made me cry and made me read your posts over and over (not for my own self-esteem) but rather to remind me I'm a real human and not trash.

Even as i type this I get afraid that people will think I'm just fishing for compliments....I'm not. If i was, this certaintly wouldn't be the way to do it. there are no compliments on this....just survival. That is why i posted for help...because I needed to know that I had some type of worth...that I wasn't trash that I was taught....sigh* I still know people won't believe me and perhaps that means I shouldn't be on a site where "normal" people are...Normal as in mentally free from disorderrs....Nothing hurts a person more than disbelief...even if it "shouldn't" matter...

I'm feeling stupid but ...yea..just wanted to say thank you really as the bottom line to this.

Mods if I did anything wrong I apologize. I will contact a crisis Hotline next time (I tried this time but they were closed (for the online ones and i couldnt' manage to talk for the phone ones) but I won't post again for this as I don't want to hurt anyone.

*hugs to all

May God bless you

[Aedin]

I haven't read all of your last post yet Kuno (just woke up and need to eat and take vitamins and stuff) but I love you, as a sister, and anyone who says you're lieing, or whining, or anyone who says anything negative about you, is incredibly lame, and probably a bad person. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing here. Not a single thing wrong. Anyone who says differently, is wrong.

[MitsukiTenshi]

I think that is alright...

Again I might go crazy if this post disappears too... I've been experiencing issues since CAA doesn't want me posting here.... >.<

Well the 1st time it disapeared again.. 2nd time trying

I won' stop till this post reaches you

But if by some miracle this post makes it...

To Kunoichi-san:

Please don't give up living

I don't think that... you should pray to god to take your life...

There was a reason that he didn't take your life you know...

He wants you to find the reason of why he put you on this earth...

Also that...

I believe you and I know that many of us do

We believe in you...

Even if many others in this world will doubt you

We are here for you...

That's why so many people posted here you know?

I also think that you are "normal"...

Even if you say normal is mentally free from disorders...

I think you are fine here...

You are apart of our family...

You don't need a reason to stay but just because you are family

Also...

Isn't it "normal" to be very upset after something really bad happened?

Isn't it "normal" to seek for help when you need it?

Isn't it "normal" to be upset when others don't believe you?

~~~~

I also hope that you will lean on us a little more...

[Kunoichi]

thank you hun...i'm pretty much back at square one on my healing...and then the person basically calling me a fake...well doesn't help but whatever...doesn't matter anymore

[Aedin]

It matters to me. I wish I could help you more. The person who called you a fake is just a stupid jackass.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Aedin. Not only should you watch your language, but you also shouldn't sway the focus of the thread like that. You're turning a thread that is trying to be helpful and respectful towards Kunoichi into a thread that's starting to brim with malice.

If anyone wants to disagree with Kunoichi and think that she may be lying or whatever, that is their prerogative. If they feel that they have reasons to think otherwise, then you ought to be respectful of how they feel and leave it at that. As such, from what I see those individuals are doing their best to refrain from participating in this thread to avoid further conflict. I think it's best that just drop the subject right now before your words act as a catalyst for further potential flamewars. Instead of putting others down, maybe it's best that you pull others up that need it.

[Tsukuyomi]

It matters to me. I wish I could help you more. The person who called you a fake is just a stupid jackass.

You may want to watch your language, Aedin ^^;

I guess it's safe to say that we should all NOT jump to conclusions. That isn't helping anything.

[rocklee24]

thank you hun...i'm pretty much back at square one on my healing...and then the person basically calling me a fake...well doesn't help but whatever...doesn't matter anymore

Just keep working on it. Don't give up. I know it's easier said that done about not letting the people who belittle you get to your head so much, but just try. Remember, you are never alone. We must keep on keeping on.

Hey, life is a garden.

Dig it.

[rocklee24]

[quote="Tsukuyomi (post: 1285894)"]You may want to watch your language, Aedin ^^]

The biggest enemy is not the world, or the most cruelest people. This world is messed up as it is and it should not be blamed regardless.

The biggest enemy is ourselves.

Proverbs 18:21 says,“Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and they that love it shall eat of the fruit thereof.â€

[Kunoichi]

I'm sorry for doing this...I didn't 'mean to blame people. I do really get that people lie and its probably best to be skeptical. It still hurts to think they do and its a trigger. But like I said, maybe its best I don't post for this type of stuff. I'm not saying your guys are pushing me away, you aren't...but I feel bad because well i'm not mentally normal in processing things so it makes me rather sensitive.

I know Aedin that when you posted it, you were upset and just want me to realize that I don't have to worry about what others say so *hugs* .

I may end up going into a hospital due to my suicidal thoughts and what not. My therapist will make the determination tomorrow if I need to be hospitalized. I'm scared about it so it may be the best.

Again Mods, if you wish to close this I understand. People can PM me for updates to my condition

Above all, regardless if you think this is "real" or not..please I ask that you pray for me, if anything just for peace of my mind that I may be able to SEE the hope again, even though I can't feel it.

Thank you all for your love and support and for your nonjudgement *hugs to you all, Love you and god bless

[animewarrior]

Love you Kun. Just wanted to say that. I'll keep praying no matter what. ^^
& Remember God takes everything that happens to us, good or evil and creates good.
Just because the big man is that awesome to us. keep us posted.
Your sis' in Christ,
-animewarrior

[Radical Dreamer]

Again I might go crazy if this post disappears too... I've been experiencing issues since CAA doesn't want me posting here.... >.<

[url=http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=46640]Why aren't my posts appearing?

In order to cut down on ad bots, new users are monitored and suspicious posts are filtered pending moderator approval. If you are a new member and your posts seem to disappear, do not repeatedly submit –]

Most of your posts in this thread contain a list-like format. You may want to try to use more of a paragraph format until the system recognizes you as a legitimate member. And if you notice that some of your posts still aren't coming through, feel free to shoot a PM to one of us moderators or admins (we're users with blue or red names) so we can help you out with it! We're all pretty busy and don't always know when a post isn't going through as it should, but this advice should help you out a bit!

That said, I'm going to go ahead and lock this thread. Most of it has been resolved at this point, and there's no room for dragging it out further and bringing in harsh language.