I want to die

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I'm not really sure where you are getting this...cuz I don't remember writing it..I know my hubby loves me and doesn't view me as a burden..that doesn't always alleviate my guilt knowing this as its part of my abuse...

Right. He loves you. He loves you so so much. =) He see you for who you are even with all the scars in your heart. He loves you so he sees worth and value in you. I think you also find worth and value in him. I know you may feel unworthy or not up to his standard, but the fact remains is that you really DO. He overlooks your traumatic past and sees you and your heart. I think he sees a scarred heart that he just wants to love. =)

[Tsukuyomi]

Right. He loves you. He loves you so so much. =) He see you for who you are even with all the scars in your heart. He loves you so he sees worth and value in you. I think you also find worth and value in him. I know you may feel unworthy or not up to his standard, but the fact remains is that you really DO. He overlooks your traumatic past and sees you and your heart. I think he sees a scarred heart that he just wants to love. =)

Riooooooooooon, I went,"Awwww.. " when reading this post. Then, I looked over at your avatar... Haha, so funny XDD
_____________________
You really shouldn't listen to what others have to say about something that happened to you, and who do not know how it feels u_u Yeah, it's always easy to say you could have done this or that, but is it really that simple?

I would say, just concentrate on you and Matt ^ ^ Start anew and just forget about the past (I know, easier said then done, but it is possible), because the past is just that

Hardship is behind you. Happiness is in front of you

[K. Ayato]

In answer to your question, Kun, when I say "I love you", I mean it with all that's in me. You've come through probably the most difficult and darkest time in your life, and all of us here including myself have backed you up from the beginning.

Here's the lyrics to a song that I think will help you in this dark time. It just came to me, and it fits what you're going through so well. The song is "Me and Jesus" by Stellar Kart

When there's no where else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom...
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one understands
Where you are...

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
By now you know I've doubted too
But every time my head was in my hands
You said to me...

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost
So make the most of life that's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Even when you don't think so
Don't know you
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

You will never be alone...
You got me and Jesus

Youtube link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a103pDJaRE

[SweSigge]

I just read the title, and believe me, suicide is not a way out from your despair!

And yes, we who keep on saying we love you, we do.

[Kunoichi]

Do you think your meds could be doing more bad than good.
My good friend suffered from severe depression and major sleep deprivation (he has been diagnosed as a bit schizophrenic) and the meds didn't help him much, they only made this worse and gave him different medical problems. Gradually he's being erm weaned of them and his healing, but it's a long journey.
I'll be praying for you mate, just hang in there.
Hold onto Christ even if you can't hold onto anything else.
God Bless mate

I'm not on meds right now....but I think I need them. That is why I say I need them...the only med I do take is for my pain disorder and that thing helps me not hurts me....but yes, your right when you say meds CAN make you worse sometimes....I won't know until i actually get on some..

[Kunoichi]

Thank you all so much. I'm literally crying right now and trying to not wake up Matt. Lol

I can't say I can fully accept it all (I believe it but its so hard to "feel" it sometimes) because of never getting it when I was a kid.

Thank you *Crying* Man I gotta stop blubbering lol

I actually got sleep last night (12 hours worth) after getting about 4 in two days...so i know that it helped.

I know you guys love me...I have been the most honest with you guys with who I am..who I really am. Its so easy to just put a mask on in the outside world...but you and my hubby know me the best, even better than my own family. I know they are family but i'm going to find it so hard to give trust back to them and forgiveness...and I don't know how to stop trying to "Please" them...man I hate that...

I hate that I'm still a slave to that...a freaking servant with no pay and really no care anways cuz when i would do what HE wanted or what they wanted...it didn't matter...it wasn't good enough....when I cried out for help...it was degraded and shot down or..or if i cried out to HIM (my abuser)...i was punished...*shudders*

Thank you all again for getting me thru my darkest night I have had since I got out of abuse....

I do think I need meds...not because I want to use them as a crutch...but I'm not going to be able to really heal if I have to deal with the "symptoms" of all this...man it sucks..

This is a list of my psychological dxes thus far:

Chronic or Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Severe Depression (that went up after I started therapy which is supposed to be "normal")
Mild Agoraphobia
Panic disorder (which is kinda part of PTSD and its own I guess)
Performance Anxiety (The no matter what I do isn't going to be good enough thing)
Dissociation/ Regression / Depersonalization (their own personal thing but also part of PTSD)
Fibromyalgia (chronic pain disorder)
CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome)
Insomnia (Part of fibro but also its own things)
Night Terrors

...list is longer than I thought lol I usually just roll up everything in PTSD but they are also seperate from eachother...

Thank you all again..I'm not suicidal anymore..now just hurt and sad...but that is better than before!

[Roz]

I scared when I went to bed last night. I didn't know what I'd find here the next day.

Thank you for staying with us Kelly. You have impacted so many lives here.

[Kunoichi]

Thank you Roz...I'm still shaky and still have thoughts...but I'm fighting

[K. Ayato]

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqp1JfEl27o

[Kunoichi]

Thank you K. *Hugs...

I'm sorry for the worry I caused...for the struggle that I'm going thru.......I feel like a failure for even thinking of killing myself...but its there...I trust in the Lord..but I hate this pain..

[animewarrior]

Just remember God and Jesus love you, we love you and your hubby loves you ^^ Don't you DARE forget that *races after you with katana in one hand and box of chocolates and pillow in the other* later sis' Praying for ya lots.
Love,
animewarrior

[Midori]

I am praying for you too. The fact that your family even mentions guilt, whether yours or not, means they are thinking wrongly. In the kingdom of God, there is no guilt, or blame, or fault. There is only what there is--namely love, wisdom, creativity, and all those good things.

[Kunoichi]

animewarrior: thank you for the chocolate and pillow....and i could use the katana too lol

Midori..ty for the praying

*****

I'm still struggling with the thoughts of ending it....I know its bad...I know i would never see my Lord..and its not that I want to die so much as I want pain to stop...altho Praise the Lord my prayers are being answered....God is so wonderful, He really is..

Something I have been doing lately when i pray is calling him "daddy" I don't know why but it juts fits....and sometimes I call God "mommy" ..it may seem wierd to some but God doesn't have a gender...even if Jesus did for cultural sake...but that is another matter...

I have just noticed that God is really comforting me even if these thoughts are conintuing...it makes me cry....

I so much want to be a slave to God and not to other people...but my brainwashing speaks otherwise....i was a slave...a tool....an object for SO LONG ... I'm not quite sure how to break that

[K. Ayato]

I think God loves to hear you call Him "Daddy" . There's no harm in calling Him "Mom" either, seeing God has both male and female attributes (another discussion).

[Kunoichi]

I've been asked to give pictures and links for my abuse..i'm not doing it.

I have two websites that i could give that are his, and i have his pic cuz he was arrested once (something I almost went to jail for too because he was hiding and I pretended I didn't know where he was (more afraid of my abuser than the police).

For those that think i'm faking...then that just proves your ignorance.

Honestly, I'm not surprised. My uncle blamed me for my abuse and he is a Christian..guess i can't be surprised other christians would cal me a fake....

I know God doesn't think that of me....but whatever, I guess it doesn't matter that i'm on the edge...afterall...people like to stay in their buble.

I won't be posting again if I'm in trouble..i'll just deal with it alone..like i always have.

if mods want to lock this then feel free.

Bye

[roadoffew]

we will still be here for ya.

[SweSigge]

Why?

Believe me, you can NEVER do fine just by yourself!
If you wont post about your troubles in this forum, then ill spam till you send me a message!

[Aedin]

I can't stay on long or read all of this, but I love you Kuno, and I'm around for you to talk to if you ever want or need to. I love you. In a brotherly way.

[Phantom_Sorano]

Hey Kelly....I just wanted to see how you are today.....I'm praying for you. Love you lots!!!!!......I mean it...in a sisterly way.

[Kunoichi]

Edited for safety reasons

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Well the first thing about being diagnoses is to make sure that you don't feel "labeled" to any of them. Diagnosing is a really touchy subject that has lots of controversy in the mental health profession. Some psychiatrists may also be quick to diagnosing people with a disorder when they may only have a few of them. *is a Psychology Major*

As for the fibro, I have a close friend who has that, so I know how struggling and debilitating it can be.

Why?

Believe me, you can NEVER do fine just by yourself!
If you wont post about your troubles in this forum, then ill spam till you send me a message!

Don't badger people into doing things that they don't want to do. That's considered harassment.

[Kunoichi]

Mr. Smarypants,

yea i agree...its just a label but for me giving it a "term" helps me to feel less like I'm going crazy...I wasn't diagnosed with these quickly but over a 9 month period but I really do agree with you. and thankyou

**********

If you want a picture see my last post

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Not trying to be disrespectful or anything, but I don't think putting that picture up may be the best idea.

[Kunoichi]

ok..just..i dunno i'm trying to get people to believe me..but i guess they will or won't..

[animewarrior]

Love you Kunoichi-san. Keeping up the praying as always. I believe you. I hope you know that.

[Kunoichi]

Sigh* its a trigger for me...cuz my abuser used to call me a liar even if i was tellling the truth..

i tried to leave you know...but i got dragged back every time..either because i was terrified, had no where to go, or just because I couldn't realize i was being abused (since i was neglected as a kid)...i'm stupid aren't I?

[animewarrior]

YOU ARE NOT STUPID. You were innocent!
You didn't know the truth from lies but now with God's help YOU WILL STAND TALL.
The Lord is with you like a Mighty Warrior. End of Story.

Dear God,
Please encourage Kunoichi-san in her time of need and give her the peace that passes all understanding. Any evil spirits oppressing her begone in Jesus name at ONCE!
In the Blood and POWER of Jesus name,
AMEN.

Kun - Above all else REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVED.
I want to come up to you one day in Heaven and say what's up?
And you say: the Lord is GREAT! and tell me all the amazing stuff you 've been through and didn't FALL through the grace of God.
Sincerely,
animewarrior

[K. Ayato]

You're not stupid, hon. *Hugs* I don't know why it is, but those people who have not experienced a huge degree of suffering, no matter what the circumstance is, tend to be misunderstanding of those who, like yourself, are going through a series of trials and tribulations. They don't intend to be cruel, mind you. They just don't fully understand and won't until they've tasted it themselves.

Those who have suffered greatly and yet survive know how tough it gets, but they have a better outlook on life in the end because they know the suffering is only temporary.

In short, do your best not to take any seemingly cold or calloused remarks personally. Love you, hon.

[Kunoichi]

Thank you all...

I'm going to go ahead and stop on this thread...i'm not suicidal anymore and I don't want to take up the prayer room with my problems that aren't going to be resolved anytime soon

[Sheol777]

"I wish I wasn't such a wimp....i don't try to be...but I don't know HOW to stand up for myself...not in the way normal people do. I don't know HOW to...even if you think this sounds so easy...when you have been neglected, abused and then treated like your trash since you were 9 yrs old to 21 yrs old...well its not easy...and I can't even grasp it. I just want to cry."

Sis, normal ain't nothin' but a setting on a washing machine. If everyone really were "normal", as they call it, we'd all look, talk, eat, dress, see, act exactly the same...like robots. Everyone is different and experiences different situations and tribulations and live different lives. You are no exception. You are special and unique like everyone else. There isn't another person on this planet like you who can walk the way you do, talk the way you do, think the same way you do. That's how God made you and he loves you just the way you are, right here, right now. He doesn't care what other people think about you and he doesn't want you to, either. You are not a wimp. Anyone who can live through 6+ years of abuse and neglect and still find God is anything BUT a wimp. God still has a plan for you, a purpose for your life, a destiny you can still fulfill. Weather you know it or not, you're a lot like Joseph: you both went through years of being abused, rejected, misunderstood. Joseph eventually came out the better through his trials and tribulations and saved a people from complete destruction. I don't know what God has planned for you, but if he's brought you this far, he must have a plan for you and he's not gonna just drop you here and leave his work half-done. God will not abandon you, so don't you abandon him.
May the Prince of Peace be your guiding light forever and always, Kelly-sama. Peace be with you,
-SN-

Listen, I rarely post in threads like this. However this here post is full of good advice for everyones life. Good on ya Shilohan ninja