porn, college, money, and God (Road of few's 2nd prayer update thread)

[roadoffew]

Well it's 8 days until the spring semester starts at UNA. I had been home in Jackson for the past three weeks returning back to Florence two days ago. Those days were somewhat of a emotional healing time for me despite a few rough spots. But they were far from a spiritual fix. Every night was either a porn night or a masturbation night for me. I used my dads laptop since mine went bad just one day into my visit home. I didn't feel too bad since I knew he looked up porn all the time. Mom knew of dads problem or at least it seemed she assumed the possibility. I wonder if he knew it or if he even cared.

going back to the present, I worry as I sit here typing this forum. The classes for this semester will be more directed to my major since my classes that are required yet unrelated to my major are finally over with. But that means they will need more study time and more effort which I lack a lot of lately. I also need to find a job. Something I should have done two months ago. Spending was cut short before but I will need to try and keep myself from straying because too much money was spent on Christmas than was needed. Finding the energy to deal with applications, calling to confirm applications, and just fitting the job and school work together will be difficult.

And then there is my lack of prayer life and bible reading which I'm sure everyone reading this is either tired of hearing me say or sadden that not much has changed. But today I had a glimmer or hope from a most unlikely source. I got the movie "The Number 23" for Christmas and watch it for the first time today. I try not to give too much away but lets just say that the writers used a bible verse at the end to sum up the revalation of the film. "

"and you may be sure that your sin will find you out" [color="Red"]Numbers 32:23[/color]

I thought it was a nice touch and almost made the film a Christian lesson, except for the elements that made it rated R. Seeing the verse convinced me to at least stop collecting my favorite hentai pics on my computer. I don't normally save pics and now I remember where the reason for that came from. The movie also showed me that even when we don't do things that are Godly or directed to being spiritual, God still has the power to use our lives to his will. So maybe somehow this long time of no spirituality will somehow benefit God's plan for my life or someone's life.

I ask that you pray for me in this event in my life. Not really all that special, at least not to human eyes. I'll try to put updates to let you know of anything else that happens. If you are curious enough post me questions and I'll answer them. Maybe it will keep this thread going and keep me from starting yet another forum on the same topic.

[Kamille]

Sorry I haven't read of your other posts, but it sounds like you're going through much of what I went through in college. I've had a long troubled time with porn of most types. In fact I slipped into some more problems with it just recently after being "clean" for a little over a year. It's definitely a difficult problem to overcome, and I know the stress from school doesn't help either. But lets always remember that we overcome in Christ:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Another thing is that I have been meditating on a scripture that has really helped me with my lust problems.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20

It is my intention, and God's intention, that I meditate on this until I see myself in these words that God gave through the apostle Paul. You are correct to want to have more time to read the Bible. I cannot stress the importance enough that you do that. Trust in God and His Word, which is in fact God, and He has promised to make your paths straight.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Feel free to PM me anytime.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

well I left my internet browser open overnight (on face book I think) and I woke up this morning to several error messages and two porn icons on my desktop. After trying to delete them and restarting my computer, my pc now after a while sitting there when booted up brings up some error message about win32 or something and restarts. I mean how the heck do you get a virus from simply leaving the browser open on a safe page?

Now I'm typing this on my laptop which only works on safe mode. Why is everything screwing up around me? I sick of this. I have no money to pay for whatever may need to be done to fix boths computers plus both of them have out of date virus protection on them (something I thought was going to be taken care of this Christmas but never was.

I shook my fist at God today and ask why? My head hurts from the rage I have felt today.

[animechica]

Why is everything screwing up around me?

I guess if I were in your situation I'd probably start thinking of what I could have possibly done to trigger bad things to happen to me. I don't necessarily think that God directly punishes every little sin (like "Hey, you screwed up tonight! Here's a virus for you.") but I do think that he allows things to happen to us to cause us to think about what we've done.

Example: I yell at my mom, start stomping away, and immediately stub my toe. Now, whether or not it was a direct order from God that I stub my toe because I mouthed off to my mom, when that happens I stop and think, "I shouldn't have said what I said." So in that way, I feel like bad things happen sometimes to cause us to consider our sin and repent.

I guess for my two cents... you need to work at doing better with the hentai problem even as you pray for God to help you with finding a job or doing well at college. You can't stay in sin and expect God to ignore that, you know? At least, that's how I think of it.

I'm sorry I can't be more help... anyone who's read my posts knows how much I despise hentai and porn because it hurts everyone involved. I really wish I could help you quit, even a little bit. So if there's any possible thing I could do for you... I wish I could help ><

[12praiseGOD]

Praying for you!

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

the lack of progress on getting my computers to work on my own is only increasing my laziness. I was lucky to get several applications done on-line before it got to bad. I'm waiting for my cell phone changer in the mail tomorrow. I forgot it back home and my cell phone is dead now. then after I get it I'll go to each store and ask if they got my application yet.

I haven't been able to put much of a stop to my hentai viewing (mind you I say porn instead of hentai sometimes but I really mean both). I just don't get how I can tire of one way I look it up or one thing I look up and suddenly I find something else that draws me. I also don't get why it is so strong. These images display everything as some kind of dream or overwhelming passion. It grips me in my ches as if my heart is breathing like a lung. But why?

I mean have you ever really asked your self that? I ask that all the time and I can never answer it. Every attempted answers just becomes pure nonsense.

[Kunoichi]

Hey roadoffew,

Well I read through mostly starting your second update. Honestly, I'm not surprised you got viruses off of Facebook with leaving the browser open all night. Facebook, due to its open sourcing, is a mish mosh of hacker, viruses etc. I know you asked God "why" on that more so because of the aggrivation versus the actual computer problems.

Down to your recent update,

As for "why" the lust for hentai is so strong is simply the sin of man. There is not perfect answer, alot can do with how you are running your own life style. For instance, (and this will sound harsh so please do not be offended, merely my opinion and my social skills stink)..that if you wanted to cut off looking at hentai completely (at least if it is related to your computer) you would stop using your computer or disable your internet. Yes, that would make things mighty inconvenient, uncomfortable and you would lose contact with people, but that would be an answer.

As to the why..again, its your vice, and its your weakness and the devil is going to pray on it to tear you down and away from God.

For me, it used to be judgement. I used to judge other's all the time. I couldn't understand how they could: drink all the time, smoke, have an abortion, etc etc etc...until i went throgh my abuse. Now i understand how others could do that as I have had many thoughts of that myself, including self-harm, suicide and myriad of others....but I do not judge anymore.

As it was said above, while I do not believe God will ALWAYS punish due to sin "Thinking of the book of job here...who went through hard stuff as a test"..sometimes it can be used to make us think of God more, or to realize that something might be "up" in our lives, or to remind us : hey this is a battle down here for souls, including our own..or a load of other things.

I don't think i "Deserved" my abuse due to judging other as well. But as I have started to heal from my abuse...I have experienced judgement from other "christians" and people who have told me how I deserved it, wanted it, etc.

These are just my own thoughts, take them with a grain of salt of course. Search the Bible, search your soul and do some really hard checking of yourself as it is recommended in the Bible. Its good to look at the hard stuff of yourself..its okay to be honest with yourself and say "ok this is a fault area..now what?" and it may require you to take some very hard, even drastic, measures to start changing it.

Hope this helps.

Kunoichi

[Danderson]

I also don't get why it is so strong.It grips me in my ches as if my heart is breathing like a lung. But why?

I mean have you ever really asked your self that?

Yeah....It has such a strong grip because we hold onto it. We want it to fill that empty void inside of us, but it's like a paper cup with a hole in the bottom of it. After filling it with "sewer water," it only becomes empty again...so we keep filling it and drinking it...not caring to take care of leak or caring if we're drinking water from the sewer....

That void can only be filled...that cup can only be fixed by God. He can either fill that hole with tape or give u a new cup and provide for you water that is cleaner then anything this world can offer...we're talking water that is crystal clear and more fulfilling then the sewer water we constantly try filling ourselves with....

...U have my prayer...In this life on earth we will struggle...But we are never alone in our struggles....

[K. Ayato]

Maybe this statement will help: God never promises to help us get OVER an obstacle, but He does promise to help us get THROUGH it. There's a big difference. Take Pastor Greg Laurie, for example. He lost his oldest son last summer. On the air for A New Beginning (his radio program) in the studio he admitted he and his family are still not over the grief and loss, but in the months that happened after his son's death it's been easier to accept the fact that they'll see him again in Heaven.

How does this example apply to you and others struggling with lust? Well, sad to say, you'll never get over the temptation. It'll always come back. But in time, as you learn to fully trust the Lord, you'll be able to get through it, knowing the reward on the other side will be well worth it, and while you're here, you'll become stronger.

There's no "quick-fix" method to this. I don't know why it seems from all angles that it'll never let up, but I do know that God will not abandon you, even when you feel He's miles away from you.

*Hugs*

[animechica]

Yeah, quite honestly, like Kunoichi said, if you want to put in real effort to stop looking at bad stuff, just turn off your computer. If you can't handle the pressure, RUN AWAY! Like they always say, Joseph (the Biblical, one of twelve brothers Joseph) literally ran from temptation when his master's wife came on to him. ^_^;

I know it sounds like a horrible option, but if you seriously can't control yourself, you have to take more drastic measures. My boyfriend decided he couldn't go to a certain board anymore, which he really liked going to, because there were just too many incidences of people posting porn.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

after a third reboot of my computer (first time had problems restarting after installing a program and second wouldn't restart after i update windows ;automatic online) the Laptop restarted with nothing but error messages saying anything and every stopped working and was closing. In anger I slamed it shut, turned it off and back on to find the screen slightly busted. So now my laptop is completely gone. All I have left is a pc that only works in safemode. So no printer, no auido; only internet for e-mailing.

As I sit in my room angry and frustrated for the millionth time, my slight worry for the new semester has turned into pure panic. How am I suppose to do stuff for classes like projects? How will I do all this at public computers in libraries? With all that is going wrong how can I have hope of getting a job or even doing good in school?

And when I sat and thought about praying I refused to bother. "What good will it do?" I ask. "What is God going to do if I did pray? have the best job call me up to hire me? make my parents win the publishers clearing house sweepstakes? Magically make all this better?"

I am now sitting in my bedroom typing this with the booms of movement above me from the upstairs neighbor who appears to be moving out though I don't know for sure.

*prays*
OH GOD! I'm shattered. I'm scared. I am hopeless. I used to think of your name "Jehovah Jireh". Our God will provide. How can you now? How?

I know I deserve this sadness. I know I deserve it for being less than what you want me to be. But i still ask why. Suicide is not an option nor will it ever be; It will only make things for others worse. But even so I hold stronger to that than anything else and could never go back on it, I am sadden that I have to live through this time of darkness.

PLEASE! save me. I truly can do nothing now. I'm prayed thousands of time before saying I need you. But now I really feel helpless and have nothing in this world that can save me. But I know you need me hear for a reason. I wouldn't still be here if that wasn't true.

Please! Save me. please.

[K. Ayato]

May the Lord hear and give you peace knowing your prayer has been heard, even if it has yet to be answered.

[Kunoichi]

Roadofffew,

I have to say honestly, and this does not diminish your pain just trying to expand my own compassion and understanding, that I had a hard time being able to identify with your pain because to me it does seem trivial. HOWEVER, as I thought about it more, reading your prayer that I realized that even though it may not seem HUGE to me it is to you because it is your life and it is your moment of darkness. So as the Lord commands, "weep with your friends who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice" and I do so.

I weep with you dear brother and wish you peace. I know the Lord will provide and often does in the wierdest of ways lol It may not seem like things get "all better", they hardly do, but He does provide, and expects you to do what you can to make things happen. He will do the rest.

Try to think of at least 5 things you can do to get things completed for school. Like a library computer, friends house, etc. I know its hard and a pain in the butt but you can try. *hugs take care hun

[roadoffew]

Update

this is more of a FYI post. I'm taking my PC to be repaired tomorrow and don't know when I'll be getting it back. It turns out he gives a very good price and my mom was willing to pay for it (God bless her). I'll be turning the computer off late tonight.

[Roz]

You have been in and shall continue to be in my prayers.

[roadoffew]

added update to last update...??
as I spend the last few moments before going to bed I realize something. Today wasn't bad and had nothing really worth complaining about. "Thank you God for that"

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

Got the pc back yesterday and it works fine. No problems and most of the files (well basically every important unreplacable or hard to find again files) were saved.

I went to church Wednesday night and I can't remember the lesson but all I remember is something about it made me pray to God that I would only use the pc for e-mailing, school work, and music. but instead of praying "if the pc still works then I won't look up porn" I said "lord allow the pc to work and I promise to use it only for things to glorify you like music, school, etc and not for porn). Well so far I've been doing pretty good at keeping that promise. However a few internet down times helped (comcast has the longest cable internet downtimes I've ever seen).

And lust in other areas and the things that come with them still happen so it's not like I'm completely cured.

I'm REALLY looking forward to the classes I'm taking this semester. The first day sylabus and course overview classes have really gotten me excited. I'll be learning auido recording techniques, stage design, video edit work for tv as well as radio, and learn how a record company operates (all with hands on experience. WOOT!

Job searching is in the dumps. only TWO of the several places I've applied are POSSIBLY hiring soon but none seemed to eager to look at the applications of anyone. However I realised that I never looked and the job listings on my colleges website and there are quite a few so I'll try there.

[animewarrior]

praying for you friend... good luck with the job hunting

[Kunoichi]

Roadoffew,

I"m glad that you have been able to keep your promise. I also liked the prayer that you changed, from being "If you do this i'll do this" to "I will do this and please keep this working" so you made it less of a threat or "test" to God and rather a promise to Him and yourself. So Congratz on that!

For the other areas, what are some things you could do to help eliminate as much as you can , that cause you to lust.

I wish you luck friend and glad your excited

Kunoichi

[roadoffew]

UPDATE
This is strange indeed. Maybe it's the new motivation to find time to read for classes or to keep the apartment clean. Maybe I'm finally taking things serioulsy. But it still seems odd that my promise to not use the pc for porn,hentai, or even ecchi is......too easy.

I mean the m-word is still a problem around here but I've battled that by marking out images from my anime magazines. I don't do it to my mangas but then again the images in them aren't that bad and anything that I found erotic in them have faded fast. And I have no movie channels so no R rated stuff on tv.

It's a Saturday so it being a day where I don't see people from school i start to feel lonely. I'm not posting that for advice because I already know what needs to be done. I'm just stating that I noticed what was the real reason behind my addictions. I was lonesome mostly in the romatic sense, or maybe it was from any type of relationship . instead of trying to make friends and wait on God for Ms. Right I turned to porn for that acceptence and love. The bad thing is now that I'm walking away from the thing I went to for acceptance I know feel more alone. I don't think I will get so lonely tonight that I falter and run back to porn. But the distance between the thing I used for love to the ones that will truely love me will be long and winding. I try to think back to the story entitled "footprints in the sand" where a man looked back to see that the second footprints left behind from God were missing and God simply answerd him saying "those times were you see one set of footprints instead of two were when I carried you"

[K. Ayato]

*Hugs* You're on the right track, dude. Keep going and don't stop to look behind you for a second.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE
still doing good. Still no porn,hentai, or ecchi searches on the internet so that's good. Classe still look fun and my efforts are still strong. No luck on Job hunting though. I've tried alot of places with no luck. I need a job badly. And thankfully it seems that it is possible to handle a job and the classes now. So I really need the job.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE:
Well It's late on this Thursday night. I made the mistake of not listening carefully enough to the teacher and have a small project due tomorrow. I'm unsure of what she is wanting on the half a page written part of it and the chart or wheel image part on it in the book makes little sense to me. To make it short I just had my first slacker effort in a class and I'm felling bad about it.

What makes it worse it that I'm also having my first major struggle to not looks up bad stuff on the computer. That voice in my head (metaphorically, I'm not audibly hearing voices) says "well you are feeling down, you need a visual fix. Just look up some sexy pics of some anime girls. No porn just sexy pictures and maybe even some ecchi. It's no big deal" But as that voice speakes my mind thinks of how much more down I would feel if I have to tell the guys on CAA that I looked up that and did whatever.

I'm in for the fight of my life tonight. i don't want it to be another "try to go a week and if succesful then give it two weeks" deal. It always ends up with me failing early each time and it getting more constent. I want to stop and be done with it.

I also noticed the extreme cold weather we are having is making me go out less which means less interaction with other christians or anyone for that matter. I bad thing to have when starting to get these strong urges. Not saying that times with friends have help greatly in the past but they do help some.

I went to church wednesday night but left before anything started for two reasons. one, which was the main reason, was I suddenly had the worst headace I've had in a long time which I'm sure is a result of the sudden drop in temperature. second was that two times when I left from a table or chair with my bible in place I came back to find someone had come in a floped all there stuff in the chair right next to the bible as if it wasn't there. It's like they can't see the bible and go "oh someone is sitting here" (Not saying that in anger but in fustration).

I have some chores to do this weekend so thankfully I have something to make sure I don't get in a rute and get too lazy from this down time.

[roadoffew]

MORNING AFTER UPDATE

well I made it through the night but this morning I ran into trouble while looking up cosplay photos on different forums. Now tell me how I should rate this; a good effort or a fault?

I found a link to an anime figures site and looked at a few of them. Turns out it it had a 18+ section and I checked it out (mind these figures where adult oriented but censored, though the censorship could have covered more) . I admit I looked through several pages and was um "excited" to say the least. But that's was all. I didn't mas***bate. Not while looking at them nor while sitting in the other room still remembering the images.

So how should I look at this. Should I focus more on the looking at the pages or should I focus on me not taking it to..um...the next extreme?

[K. Ayato]

Start praying for strength to keep your thoughts in the tame zone when compromising situations come up.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

well beside that little incident with anime figurines online, I'm still doing good an not looking up porn, hentai, or ecchi so I guess we can finally say that I'm over that. Now the focus is going to be on not being so dependent on Mas****tion. My biggest struggle now is going a day with out doing it. And sadly what is making it so hard is all the past experiences of looking up pornography fuel this too easily. So keep me in your prayers to fight the next stage of this addiction or whatever you wanna call it.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE

I really don't want to mention this. I really want to forget about it and move on from it but I have to be honest to those who are praying for me. i had my first slip up. Once again I was doing innocent searching for images when it went in the wrong direction. I was looking up "anime gif" threads. well I found on and was going through it trying to find good anime ones which there were not much of anyway. but I could ignore the sexy images enough and after a while i ended up *******ating to them. Athe time of the incedint I tried to think of all the things about what I just did that made it seem to me a waste of time. Not sure how to explain what I did but I just tried to do something that wouldn't take my mind into it's old setting on sexy images on-line and back to it's "sexy images? why bother?" attitude.


I'm trying my hardest not to get too down from it. I pray to God for fogivness and immediatly went back to what I should have been doing which was homework on the internet.

Pray that I get up from this stumble unlike every other time I mess up while attempting to rid myself of this addiction.

[roadoffew]

UPDATE
I don't know if anyone is reading this anymore. The response have gotten fewer. I let that effect my effort and so it has weaken. But it was wrong to ignore the one that said they were praying before, and to think that they were no longer praying or no longer cared. It seems that even in the process of trying to break from a selfish addiction I emoted selfish reactions to things around me. Though I could just keep quite and leave you all in the dark, I should not and will not. Some of you care that I can see for you took the time to write responses in this forum. So to you I apologize.

I recently walked through a anime section of a bookstore and browsed the selection to pass time. Ai Yori Aoshi was one I picked up and browsed through. I had scene videos of the anime before and thought it was just a simple romance with nothing bad in it. But I was shocked at the fan service. The scene is question was one that involved nudity, but I was more confused that it was in what seemed to be a public place with friends just talking to each other (I won't go into further detail for obvious reasons). I couldn't find anyone in the CAA chat that had heard of it so i couldn't help my curiosity. I looked up episode one on youtube. I went on to episode 4 or 5 and thought it was a very heartfelt romance. And the girl was basically a dream come true. She was dedicated to this one man and expressed it to him in everyday from washing his clothes, cleaning his house, etc.

But this story also had it's fan service moments. While he was suffering a mild fever or cold (I can't remember) she remedied his chills by cuddling him from behind in the nude. A pretty selfless act of love to say the least. And as I finished watching this series for the day I thought to myself how beautiful she was as a person.

But again I was selfish. I took the shows images of fan service and overwhelmed my head with sexual fantasies of her. An friend of mine tells me time and time again to not talk so negatively about myself but I can't help thinking negative right now.

Today I had another rush of impure thoughts of her. The positve thing that happened of this was it lead me to my first time of interment prayer with God. I asked him to help me. I ask him to help me not be so selfish.

I not sure what else to say, my friends. I'm right now trying to figure out how to not feel so negative right now, to realize that I am at least man enough to admit my flaws. Now I need to overcome them, or rise above them. Please if you can share some advice or encouragement.

God bless you, friends

[K. Ayato]

One thing you can do is ask God to remind you of all the blessings He's given you since you chose to follow Him. Also, don't compare yourself to others you believe are "better off". It'll only make you feel worse.

[heero yuy 95]

Job searching is in the dumps. only TWO of the several places I've applied are POSSIBLY hiring soon but none seemed to eager to look at the applications of anyone. However I realised that I never looked and the job listings on my colleges website and there are quite a few so I'll try there

.

Awww dang, i hear ya, brother. I'm looking for a job in my college town myself.