Beaten & Bruised... Mentally Speaking.

[Prince Asbel]

Okay, I'm forcing myself to write this. I don't want to, but I know I have to. It's a kind of typical situation. I'm 19, crawling beaten and bruised out of adolescence, and trying to survive. But I'm failing in one area. Girls. And it's not a lust problem anymore, thanks be to God. But I have a different problem than other people.

See, in my situation, I go to a church full of Godly, spiritual, attractive girls, and live in a city full of attractive girls. (Maybe I'm not pickey enough about looks, but meh.) My problem is not solely that I don't have a girlfriend or wife, but it's that none of these girls are potential girlfriends/wives. Not because they're not Christians, but I have a sharp doctrinal bent that doesn't sit will with most people- Church members and parents included. So I not only don't have a girlfriend or wife, I CAN'T get a girlfriend or wife. I don't even make enough money to use eharmony.

Without a girlfriend, I've no emotional outlet. And, of course, without a wife, I don't have a sexual outlet- Which is physically very painful. I'm sure you other guys can relate. Without even the possibility of getting either, I've become depressed, and I've been writing real sappy, mushy-ushy-gushy love stories. Stories that involve deep conversations between boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, and heroes and their damsels-in-distress. Only today did I look at it and think, "Dude, this is LAME, and you need HELP."

I can't talk to my Mom or Dad about this, though we are on very good terms, I just can't discuss this sort of thing with them. I tried it with my Mom once, and it was a disaster. I would appreciate prayer that something would happen to remedy this situation, like praying our church's doctrine undergoes a major paradigm shift (;)), that I'm selected from millions of eharmony members to get a free membership, or that a girl would somehow come into my life and announce her theological opinions and that they would fall right in line with mine. Oh, and all in the next week or so.

Well, as soon as possible. I'd appreciate it if someone would just say a quick prayer in their head after they're finished reading this. It would mean a lot to me.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

I'll be praying for you ^_^

I'm sure you know as well as anyone else that you can't wait for the perfect woman to fall in your lap, it seems your aware of this, and you know that in order to get anywhere you need to begin pursuing someone.

"Not because they're not Christians, but I have a sharp doctrinal bent that doesn't sit will with most people"

Meaning what exactly?

[ADXC]

Hey buddy, Im feeling for you. Yeah, I can understand that loneliness and wanting of a partner that is just right for you. I know that I may or may not get a wife, that depends on God. But what I do know is that God wants you to use your life through Him and that while you're doing His will you will find that girl. As you and your future spouse become closer to God so shall you both become even closer to each other. At this point I don't think Id worry about it, you've got plenty of years for finding your future wife. I know that some people like to use eharmony to find their future spouse and sometimes they do, but I don't think that Id rely on that. My sister did it once and she said it was terrible. Now she's met someone at work and has been going out with him for 3+ months(I think he's the one this time).

So before you can worry about your relationship with a girl, you must first work on your relationship with God. Not saying you can't date around, just saying it would be in your best interest to get closer to God right now so that when you do find that girl(Hopefully she'll already be a christian and close to God.), you and her will have a marriage that honors Him.

Ok sorry for sounding a little preachy here, but you can't give up hope! Im praying for you.

[Prince Asbel]

Exactly? Well, many things. Most of the girls outside our church who might be Christians I never come into contact with anyway. And in our church, while there are nice girls there that would be okay to marry from a biblical standpoint, I have doctrinal standpoints that would just make it extremely difficult to work through. The biggest ones (Which have recently received a bad rap from our preacher) are listening to rock music, not being a non-resistant Christian, watching movies with violence, and even using facebook. Other doctrines include the doctrines of grace, also known as Calvinism. Most of the members in our church might not know what that means, but eternal security is a part of Calvinism, and that has NEVER been popular in our church.

I could go on, but I think you get my point. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a girl who I constantly disagreed with. Especially as I've grown a very critical apologetical mind, and I spot problems with certain unbiblical doctrines in a flash. I don't want my wife, of all people, to be a person who holds unbiblical doctrines. (P.S. I'm not saying I'm really smart, I'm just critical. It's always easy to be critical.)

Right, I'm not waiting for a perfect woman. I'm not so picky. Now just give me a minute while I browse the supermodel section of this dating site.

Thanks for praying. I hope I made myself clearer.

So before you can worry about your relationship with a girl, you must first work on your relationship with God. Not saying you can't date around, just saying it would be in your best interest to get closer to God right now so that when you do find that girl(Hopefully she'll already be a christian and close to God.), you and her will have a marriage that honors Him.

Right, exactly. I've been working on that without this whole issue in mind, so I think I've got that down. Thanks for the advice though.

Ok sorry for sounding a little preachy here, but you can't give up hope! Im praying for you.

Hey, I'm not giving up hope QUITE so quickly. Thanks!

[ADXC]

I know that, it's just that title of the thread makes me worry.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

Maybe you should just...

date around?
I mean, do you need to be thinking about a future wife right now?

I don't imagine you would go up to a woman and go "hey... I think you'd make a pretty nifty wife ", so maybe at this point you shouldn't be thinking that way either.
Maybe just ask some girls out, or get to know some of them, and go from there.
If you end up liking one of them as more then a friend, go from there. If it turns out shes a woman you love, go from there. If it turns out that shes just not the one, go from there. If it turns out she is the one, go from there.

I think you get what I'm saying =P
Just take it a step at a time I guess?

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

That's not the best advice.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

That's not the best advice.

I'm not telling him to do anything-- it's advice.
Stuff that works for you might not work for everyone else- things that work for me may not work for everyone else- or anyone.

There isn't a "magic" answer, it's something he has to try for himself and determine what works for him.

-shrugs-

[Prince Asbel]

I know that, it's just that title of the thread makes me worry.

I guess I should have thought of that.

Just so you guys know, I interact with girls. I'm not avoiding contact with girls because I don't see them as potential soulmates. I'm friends with a bunch of girls at church. Oh, and I'm open to any advice here. Even what people consider the best advice may not work for some people, so I'm ready to hear whatever someone has to say.

Dating around isn't possible either. Not just because the church my family attends is 60 miles away from our house (Preventing anyone giving me rides to that neighborhood. Can't drive yet.), but because the people there are ultra-conservative. If I tried to take a girl out on a casual date for coffee or lunch or something, people would immediately be thinking/saying things like, "They MUST be serious about each other! Why haven't they set any boundaries first? What do they think they're doing without getting the girl's father's permission first?"

I'm not saying dating wouldn't be nice, it's just that it's not a route I can take to build a casual relationship with a girl. I think I have that covered. But thanks for advice and everything. Just talking about it makes me feel better.

[Kunoichi]

Hey Prince,

Your thread title scared me at first (Sorry i automatically assume abuse so it was "aaahh") ok anyways,

Well i think as far as finding a wife or girlfriend, it is quite possible that you may not find a girl you wish to date or marry within your area. It may be that its meant for down the line, after you have had experiences, or it may be closer than you think (like if a new girl came in town).

I don't think your doctrines are all that bent, as much as are they what works for you and what you feel you must do to have a closer relationship to God. True, many people will not agree with you on it, but at the same time, you may find a girl who does agree with you or who at least is willing to compromise. (Ie. you don't like listening to rock, but what if it had good lyrics etc etc.) Altho in my mind, if you are that stringent about your doctrines - meaning like she HAS to be THIS way, i think its going to look controlling rather than deep convictions. And that isn't meant an offensive way, either.

I think God has something for everyone, if that is His will. But at the same time, I think his timing is best. It maybe be bro that you have to go through certain experiences first. I know this isn't a real answer and I'm not a guy but I will say a prayer for you that you have peace in this situation.

[K. Ayato]

I agree with Kun in regards to those bits of doctrine you hold onto. If there is no room for compromise (and believe me, any relationship is NOT without at least SOME degree of it) between you and the girl, a relationship is just not going to be healthy or as beautiful as it can be. Like Kun said, your doctrinal beliefs may end up unconsciously controlling the girl.

Just a heads-up, bud. Take it or leave it.

[Prince Asbel]

I don't think your doctrines are all that bent, as much as are they what works for you and what you feel you must do to have a closer relationship to God. True, many people will not agree with you on it, but at the same time, you may find a girl who does agree with you or who at least is willing to compromise. (Ie. you don't like listening to rock, but what if it had good lyrics etc etc.) Altho in my mind, if you are that stringent about your doctrines - meaning like she HAS to be THIS way, i think its going to look controlling rather than deep convictions. And that isn't meant an offensive way, either.

Controlling?... I don't know how you got that idea. I don't think I ever gave the impression that I would gain a girls' affections and then demand, "You agree with me, OR ELSE!" My idea of meeting a girl and discovering she already agrees with me and THEN pursuing a deeper relationship isn't controlling in the least.

Think of it like this. A man may complain to a girl that her convictions against premarital sex might sound controlling, and yet, it is a biblical belief that God himself demands we keep. If that is controlling, I'll leave you to your choice of definitions. But that smacks of someone saying it's unfair for God to demand people follow his all of his word, and not just some of it.

I think God has something for everyone, if that is His will. But at the same time, I think his timing is best. It maybe be bro that you have to go through certain experiences first. I know this isn't a real answer and I'm not a guy but I will say a prayer for you that you have peace in this situation.

I'm sure God's timing is best. And thanks for the prayer. ]I agree with Kun in regards to those bits of doctrine you hold onto. If there is no room for compromise (and believe me, any relationship is NOT without at least SOME degree of it) between you and the girl, a relationship is just not going to be healthy or as beautiful as it can be. Like Kun said, your doctrinal beliefs may end up unconsciously controlling the girl.

Just a heads-up, bud. Take it or leave it.[/QUOTE]

I'm assuming Kun = Kunoichi. I'd simply refer you to what I said to Kunoichi in this very post regarding controlling. And I know about compromise. I live in a house with 10 other people for lord's sake. I've no problem compromising on what we eat, how we should fix things, which color shirt to wear, etc. But as far as what is moral and biblical, God himself doesn't permit compromise whatsoever, and commands us to follow his example.

P.S. To those who are scared, the title of my post is not meant to suggest abuse. I've had the wonderful blessing of growing up with good, kind friends and family. So I'm okay, praise the Lord.

[Kunoichi]

Edit:

I had wrote something but I'm changing it. Not because i don't agree with what I have written previously but because its not worth me getting an argument with someone.

[ShiroiHikari]

Wait a second-- You're saying that you think rock music and Facebook are no-nos in the eyes of the Lord? Also, what do you mean by "non-resistant Christian"? I agree that some things shouldn't be compromised on, but things like rock music and Facebook aren't directly, specifically spoken out against in the Bible in the same way that things like lying, cheating, and murdering are.

[Prince Asbel]

Wait a second-- You're saying that you think rock music and Facebook are no-nos in the eyes of the Lord? Also, what do you mean by "non-resistant Christian"? I agree that some things shouldn't be compromised on, but things like rock music and Facebook aren't directly, specifically spoken out against in the Bible in the same way that things like lying, cheating, and murdering are.

No, no. Re-read my post. My pastor spoke against rock music and facebook. I was detailing differences in my belief system and pointing out that people in our church share different views. I don't frequent facebook, but I've been on there before and think it's a perfectly okay. I also think rock music is perfectly fine to listen to.

[ShiroiHikari]

Ohhhhhhh, okay. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

Um...maybe you could try out some different churches?

[Sanderson]

These girls the pastor and you were speaking of, they believe in God right? They are good people right? If they are, that pastor is dumb for making judgments like that and saying they are bad people for using Facebook, listening to rock music and watching violent movies.

The same thing happens with me, I believe in God and am a good person, yet Christians often tell me I'm a bad person and that I'm going to Hell for playing violent / satanic video games, watching violent movies, listening to satanic rock music, reading books that aren't Christian, instead of living a "Christian life" by listening to Christian music, playing educational family friendly Christian computer games, watching Christian movies, Christian TV, reading Christian books, etc.

This is why I don't listen to and follow organized religion. It almost sounds like you're listening to your pastor instead of yourself. If you want my suggestion, do what you think is right, God gave us free will, don't let a pastor try to take over your mind.

[Kunoichi]

Prince,

I mis-read your post as well. I thought you said that you didn't want girls who listened to rock music, or read facebook. THAT is what i meant by being controlling...i'm very sorry that i misunderstood

Please forgive...also why I put in the edit....I'm very sorry...i feel horrible now.

[Prince Asbel]

These girls the pastor and you were speaking of, they believe in God right? They are good people right? If they are, that pastor is dumb for making judgments like that and saying they are bad people for using Facebook, listening to rock music and watching violent movies.

Wait a second, he did not say you are a bad person for listening to rock music or using facebook. A pastor can speak out against "sin" without saying those who commit it are bad persons.

The same thing happens with me, I believe in God and am a good person, yet Christians often tell me I'm a bad person and that I'm going to Hell for playing violent / satanic video games, watching violent movies, listening to satanic rock music, reading books that aren't Christian, instead of living a "Christian life" by listening to Christian music, playing educational family friendly Christian computer games, watching Christian movies, Christian TV, reading Christian books, etc.

I'd like to know what they deem as satanic. Maybe you could tell me more about that if you'd like. Via PM, though, so we don't change the discussion of this thread.

This is why I don't listen to and follow organized religion. It almost sounds like you're listening to your pastor instead of yourself. If you want my suggestion, do what you think is right, God gave us free will, don't let a pastor try to take over your mind.

I listen to my pastor AND myself, and I do what I think is right.
To Kunoichi: That's okay. I understand. I wasn't offended, really, I just thought you were confused or talking about something else.

To ShiroiHikari: I would, but since I can't drive and don't even make enough money to get insurance, I'm stuck going to the church my parents attend. It's a strong, Christian church, don't get me wrong. I've profited much from this church. I just prefer one more in line with my particular doctrines.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

Controlling?... I don't know how you got that idea. I don't think I ever gave the impression that I would gain a girls' affections and then demand, "You agree with me, OR ELSE!" My idea of meeting a girl and discovering she already agrees with me and THEN pursuing a deeper relationship isn't controlling in the least.

Think of it like this. A man may complain to a girl that her convictions against premarital sex might sound controlling, and yet, it is a biblical belief that God himself demands we keep. If that is controlling, I'll leave you to your choice of definitions. But that smacks of someone saying it's unfair for God to demand people follow his all of his word, and not just some of it.

...
Hey, I think everyone on this planet would love to be with a person who agrees with them about stuff like that..

But I don't think that's how it goes down, in da streets.
XP

Anyway, I think what I'm getting at is I think you need to think a little more flexibly... I mean, I don't think its terribly attractive for either person if everythings exactly alike.
I get where you're coming from, you want someone who is built morally like you- but some things that worked for you may not work for her- she may have built her relationship with God on a differant foundation.
I, for one, like being with someone who is differant then I am. It tests how strong my morals are, and lets me see how he thinks. I like being with someone who is, in some ways, my polar opposite, and in most ways, exactly like me. -shrugs-

I dunno.
It sounds like a tricky situation, but I think you need to just be all "I don't CARE what people say if I take this girl out for coffee or on a date. They can think what they want to think". If you're scared that people from your church/community are going to judge you because you're getting to know ladies, then thats unfair to you, because they're controlling a very vital part of your life.
Unless they plan on giving you an arranged marriage, its up to you to go out and put in the effort.
God will either make the right person available, or bring the right person to you- so just go out there and find them. God won't always send someone out your way if you can easily help yourself to finding them.

I think that was what I was getting at...

Either way, I'm praying for you, love ^_^

[Roz]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time Prince Asbel.

Being a human, any advice I might give would come from a human standpoint (as in,not perfect), but I can and will pray for you.

Remember, God has a plan for you and He is perfect.

[Prince Asbel]

I get where you're coming from, you want someone who is built morally like you- but some things that worked for you may not work for her- she may have built her relationship with God on a differant foundation.

Which is why I'm waiting till I find one who has a similar foundation.

It sounds like a tricky situation, but I think you need to just be all "I don't CARE what people say if I take this girl out for coffee or on a date. They can think what they want to think". If you're scared that people from your church/community are going to judge you because you're getting to know ladies, then thats unfair to you, because they're controlling a very vital part of your life.

Well, remember that the ladies in this case probably think the same way. Plus, living sixty miles away complicates things. My mindset is already of that opinion, but I'm not going to flaunt it in people's faces.

Unless they plan on giving you an arranged marriage, its up to you to go out and put in the effort.

Arranged marriages... Brrr!!!

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time Prince Asbel.

Being a human, any advice I might give would come from a human standpoint (as in,not perfect), but I can and will pray for you.

Remember, God has a plan for you and He is perfect.

Thank you very much. In fact, thanks for everyone for discussing this with me. It's already made me feel a lot better.

[xblack_x_rosesx]

-high five-

Or something XP

[Prince Asbel]

High five. Thanks!

[12praiseGOD]

Praying for ya!
God bless you!!

[SnEptUne]

Hi, I am glad you are getting better.

I personally don't understand the issues around Facebook or rock music, I think it would be nice if people with different opinion could come together and discuss it. I found hiding my own opinions (to avoid isolation/confrontation) very stressful, because it would seem like I am forced to keep a secret, but that's just my opinion.

On the other hand, my university's registrar office uses Facebook to answer questions for student, and my family uses it to keep each of us posted. Saying Facebook is bad is like saying telephone is bad, or the road is bad.

I, for one, like being with someone who is differant then I am. It tests how strong my morals are, and lets me see how he thinks. I like being with someone who is, in some ways, my polar opposite, and in most ways, exactly like me. -shrugs-

People are more similiar than we make them to be. People are "opposite" because of the binary we invented and imposed on them.

Unless they plan on giving you an arranged marriage, its up to you to go out and put in the effort.

I personally found arranged marriage a much more efficient way to get to know each other, especially for people who are not outgoing. There is no way two nerds can meet in public.

I can really relate to Prince Asbel's story for having no dating experience. However, I have given up the idea of romantic relationships because the more I know about it, the more sexism I see in them. By labeling a relationship romantic and by working for such relationship, I would feel like rigid roles are imposed on me.

Why must I feel anxious about a person holding my hand, just because that person has different gender? It is as if gender is the center of a person's identity, and personalities and interests the accessories. No way!

It sounds like a tricky situation, but I think you need to just be all "I don't CARE what people say if I take this girl out for coffee or on a date. They can think what they want to think". If you're scared that people from your church/community are going to judge you because you're getting to know ladies, then thats unfair to you, because they're controlling a very vital part of your life.

Does it matter how people see us? I would argue that it depends. Should we just ignore the eyes of people and go date people in coffee shop because we see nothing wrong with it? Being human, we are all fallable, or is it merely our perceptions of others' perceptions of us? Do we construct a personality for the random stranger in a coffee shop, that his/her opinion/way of life must be inferior? If that is case, are we any better than the people we are trying to ignore, by ignoring them ourselves?

Who is the enemy? Is it the society? Or is it prejudice?

[Prince Asbel]

To 12praiseGOD: Thanks!

Hi, I am glad you are getting better.

Thank you, but I actually got a little worse last night. I apologize if I sound like a I'm-never-gonna-get-better kind of person, because I don't think like that. But I watched one of the latest episodes of House. The character Thirteen, a girl- I mean, woman, was put through a lot of physical pain and trauma because a man held up the hospital to get a treatment and nearly killed her. I fell right back into depression when I finished it. Maybe I still have some growing up to do, but seeing all that happened made me really stressed out, like I couldn't stand seeing something like that happen even in a movie. And it's not like that for guys at all, it's worse when it happens to girls.

Yeah... Probably some growing up to do.

I personally don't understand the issues around Facebook or rock music, I think it would be nice if people with different opinion could come together and discuss it. I found hiding my own opinions (to avoid isolation/confrontation) very stressful, because it would seem like I am forced to keep a secret, but that's just my opinion.

I talked to my pastor about it. In fact, it was right after he had preached the sermon in which he mentioned it. He agreed it was possible for a Christian to listen to rock music and not be sinning, but that it should raise a question in someone's mind if they find out their friend is listening to it. So my pastor is not some silly-slappy-hate-everything-mainstream kind of person.

I don't get the Facebook thing either. I could talk to him about that too, and I think he might change his mind. I assume that since he heard it at some pastor's conference that he got it from a bunch of middle-aged/older men who have no desire to go on there themselves and have deemed it a dangerous site to visit. Whatever it was, I'm sure my pastor got his info from secondary sources. I don't see anyone who actually used Facebook finding anything dangerous with it.

On the other hand, my university's registrar office uses Facebook to answer questions for student, and my family uses it to keep each of us posted. Saying Facebook is bad is like saying telephone is bad, or the road is bad.

I should point out that this sermon was about moral boundaries, not anything like "telephone is bad". I would agree with my pastor if he had said that a boundary should be laid for children as far as Youtube goes. But Facebook? I really think he got his information from secondary sources, because I don't see how he could think there is something dangerous or morally reprehensible about it.

I personally found arranged marriage a much more efficient way to get to know each other, especially for people who are not outgoing. There is no way two nerds can meet in public.

Arranged dates, maybe, but not arranged marriages. My gosh, I would hate it if anyone came along and assumed they had the right to decide who I would marry. And what about the nerds bit? I didn't get that.

Why must I feel anxious about a person holding my hand, just because that person has different gender? It is as if gender is the center of a person's identity, and personalities and interests the accessories. No way!

Um... Maybe you've had some bad experiences or something, but anybody who isn't boy/girl-crazy already knows that. Culturally speaking, there is something affectionate about holding hands, so I think it's only normal that a girl/guy wants to hold hands with his/her boyfriend or girlfriend.

Does it matter how people see us? I would argue that it depends. Should we just ignore the eyes of people and go date people in coffee shop because we see nothing wrong with it? Being human, we are all fallable, or is it merely our perceptions of others' perceptions of us? Do we construct a personality for the random stranger in a coffee shop, that his/her opinion/way of life must be inferior? If that is case, are we any better than the people we are trying to ignore, by ignoring them ourselves?

Who is the enemy? Is it the society? Or is it prejudice?

Woah, woah, woah! Slow down, SnEptUne!

Question 1. If you don't care, then no, it doesn't.
2. I guess it depends on how far you are willing to go to maintain a peaceful relationship. I don't think anyone at our church would find one thing wrong with dating in a coffee shop at all. It's the whole thing of doing it to be casual they wouldn't buy.
3. I don't even understand that question.
4. Do we? Sure. Should we? No.
5. I don't understand this question either.
6. There is no one enemy you can label THE enemy.
7. Naw, I wouldn't say so. You can get away with quite a bit these days.
8. From whom? Again, I don't understand.

Maybe, SnEptUne, you might want to start a different thread? It sounds like you have a lot on your mind you need to talk about.

Anyway, for you saints out there, I'd still like some prayer. Again, I appreciate you guys talking to me about this.

[Roz]

Still praying for you.

[ADXC]

Woah yeah, alot of stuff you guys have said.

I will say this, in regards to everything in the world like rock music and facebook. As long as it does not get you away from God, then it's alright. Okay, short and simple.

Part of me thinks that the questions that SnEptUne asked were rhetorical. No offense though, Prince Asbel.

[SnEptUne]

Hi again Prince Asbel,

I sometimes is also affected by movie and TV shows. Nevertheless, depression is part of being human, because it let us seek within ourselves and contemplate the environment we lived in. Life is meaningless without death.

And Indeed, as ADXC pointed out, my questions were rhetorical So I didn't expect you to answer them.

There have always been conflicting opinion about what is objectivity, what is the truth, and what is the real world. Is the real world a truth we constructed from our own perception (include our perceptions of other's perceptions)? Or is there a common ground that through the perspectives of everyone and their social and cultural context can we reach a higher conscience? But even if we are considering the social and cultural context within which we construct our world, are the social and cultural context without bias?

I guess I shouldn't confuse you further Life is a journey. Enjoy