going uphill

[Midori]

Okay, I need to say this late at night, when I'm too sleepy to be scared. I have a problem with pornography. I've been doing better about it recently, but God told me I would never really get better unless I told someone, so here I am. Though this is only one of many things that have been troubling me lately. I've been really anxious lately about a lot of things. I need prayer. Even typing this I get this feeling, it feels like adrenaline, but it goes up into my chest and it hurts. I've been losing sleep and I really need exercise. I've been trying for a long time to start taking Karate lessons again, but I keep putting it off because I'm too scared after being sedentary for three years, which is troublesome because exercise may be what I need to truly turn myself back to normal, lowering my heart rate and allowing me to sleep. This summer I stopped taking the anti-anxiety medication I'd been taking for six years, and the world, life, and school feel really scary. (On the other hand, stopping the meds now is what has allowed me to take school seriously and try to fight my addiction.) I need to fight against my fear, and I can only do it with the courage that comes from the Lord. I'm noticing everything in my life now coming together, everything I have and haven't mentioned, everything converging toward this holiday season, and I need God back in my life before I branch out again. I'm so frightened by everything, and it's very weird to me, because I didn't use to feel this way when I was really young. I'm taking a fast from video games to try to start exercising, to kick-start my body and mind back to reality. I want to be fearless, like I was when I was a child. I want to have no secrets. I want my life to be real. Please ask God to be with me.

[Kunoichi]

I'm praying for you midori.

Also, truth will set you free. When you start speaking the struggles in your life and admitting them..its loosens the hold sin has because the truth is getting spoken.

*hugs hang in there hun

[Tsukuyomi]

Hang in there Midori ^__^ You have my prayers as well

Now that you have it out in the open.. The only thing left to do is to overcome it

[Roz]

Dear Jesus, please be with Midori. Please give him your strength and the courage to face the trials before him now and the wisdom to know how to handle them. Thank you for never leaving his side. In Jesus name, Amen.

[Midori]

Thanks guys... I think the thing I hate most about pornography is that it pulls me away from beautiful artwork, and makes me unable to truly appreciate the beauty.

I feel a bit selfish asking for prayer when I haven't been praying for anyone else. I haven't convinced myself of the power of intercessory prayer. It doesn't make sense to me, that God would change someone's life specifically because I prayed for them without them knowing. But Moses does it in the bible. I should keep a list of people to pray for, and start praying for them, and maybe I'll be shown why I should pray for them. I'm pretty sure that I will never be given 100% undeniable proof of God's power, and I'm not the type to believe something just because I wish it to be true. I want God to show me more of himself...but God won't show himself completely if I have doubts in my mind, right? I always feel like I'm searching for God, and he's like an elusive thief, dropping me confounding clues here and there, but never giving me any proof.

[Midori]

I'm not that bad off, really. I did see my doctor about stopping the medication, and he said it was okay, and I've been fine since. I wasn't taking it for an anxiety disorder, just for anxiety. In fact, the first thing that made me think I might want to stop was the fact that I forgot to take it 7 days in a row and felt fine (and since a lot of SSRI drugs suppress REM sleep I suddenly had a lot of really interesting dreams). I'm not exactly having panic attacks, it's more like I'm not used to being afraid of anything. I'm completely okay doing exercise (besides massive soreness afterwards which comes from not having exercised enough recently).

I'm sorry if I sound stand-offish, because I really do appreciate your concern. Thank you.

My anti-anxiety medication didn't exactly keep me from doing schoolwork, but I wasn't anxious about not doing it, if you know what I mean. A certain amount of anxiety is necessary to live right. Normally, skipping class or ignoring homework is difficult to do because I'm worried about failing the class, but with the medication, I was just "Whatever, I'll be okay in the long run." I'd still do schoolwork, but only if I felt like doing it. See, I don't actually have an anxiety disorder, but at the time the doctor recommended it to me, there were so many stressful things in my life that the anti-anxiety medicine was almost a lifesaver, if you know what I mean. And when I got away from that and into college, the medication just wasn't necessary anymore. And since I was used to having less anxiety, suddenly having just normal anxiety is difficult, but I am getting used to it.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, I have Asperger's Syndrome, and for someone with AS, school (particularly middle school and high school) can be extremely stressful. It's hard when you try your best to please teachers and they refuse to be pleased. In church I can wiggle around all I want and nobody is bothered, but in middle school I had to sit still and pay attention and sit in front of the class with "reminders" taped all over my desk and have a counselor and personal aide who were more concerned with my hygiene than helping me learn.

[12praiseGOD]

Praying for ya!

[Mithrandir]

I'm praying for you, man. My PM box available, if you'd like to chat.

[Roz]

I'm praying for you.