Trying to Find my identity - sorry for all the posts ^^;

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 5:24 pm

That's how it works, I'm afraid. I will continue to pray for you that you recieve peace and consolation from our heavenly father. Godbless you, Kelly-sama. May Christ be with you, always.

-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sat Nov 22, 2008 6:07 pm

had to come from work due to nearly passing out...it could be a touch of the flu or it could be from anxiety attack manifestation..not sure

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 9:06 am

woke up with a fever (which I NEVER get, including when i was in the hospital with pneumonia and another time where i nearly died) ....

just feel really sick, vision is going blurred than normal and i feel really really sick along with the other ptsd symptoms...i feel like i'm being weak. Like because i"m sick so much that people will not believe me

I still maybe pregnant...wont' know for a while longer

Postby **heero yuy 95** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:07 pm

I've never been in your shoes, so I don't quite know how it feels, but I reccomend excercising if you don't already. Just start off light and easy and keep adding to it as you go. Like, jogging a mile or two is still pretty good for you. There was a time in in my life when I was depressed and just felt like I was going nowhere, then I joined the cross country team and it did wonders, getting in shape made me feel great about myself. Excercising also releases endorphines into the bloodstream. I'm not saying it'll solve all your problems. But it might help.

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sun Nov 23, 2008 4:43 pm

I can't exercise in terms of jogging or anything due to my back but ty for the advice

Postby **Kunoichi** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:25 am

well since i got a period i'm not pregnant. Kind of sad honestly but its probably for the best...

Postby **Kunoichi** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 6:06 pm

Having massive panic attacks today..i am having a very hard time breathing and staying in control..i've already had 2 major depressive episodes. please pray

Postby **Kunoichi** » Tue Nov 25, 2008 4:50 pm

6 to 7 panic attacks today, 2 major depressive episodes and break downs..need prayer ty

Postby **shiroineko** » Tue Nov 25, 2008 7:13 pm

hey kunoichi, i just came across your original post...I will pray for healing and comfort <3

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Tue Nov 25, 2008 10:03 pm

I am still thinking of you. I know I haven't been able to post for the last couple of days or so, but you're still on my mind. I will keep praying for you. Godspeed, Kelly-sama.

-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:10 am

Hey shiroi,

the original post honestly is the very tip of the iceberg..and SN, ty as always brother

i'm getting tired of fighting...i don't know how to keep going

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Fri Nov 28, 2008 2:18 pm

You've made it this far, have you not? God will continue to see you through; just trust in him. He said in the book, "I am with you to the very end of the age."
May the holy spirit consol you in your pain and anguish, sister Kelly. Godspeed, as always. Godbless.

-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:34 am

Its got brought out that the abuse Bob did was rape....

And that means I have to accept that I was raped at least four to five times a week for the last 3 years....I don't know what to do..I'm going numb and crying and very sad...

Postby **MangArtist** » Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:34 am

I'm so very sorry, Kelly. I really wish I could do more.

You're a very strong woman, Kelly. With God, you can beat this. =)

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sun Nov 30, 2008 6:27 am

Last night was bad...

Dissociated to the point of not being here in this time or place. Went through some of my rpaes with physically feeling it, hearing, smelling everything and not being able to snap out of it. My hubby had to physicaly grab me and raise his voice loud enough to where i would snap out of it...i'm still feeling sick to my stomach from it..

Postby **Kunoichi** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 3:32 pm

In therapy lats night, made the realization, which is good, that I have no emotions.

I am emotionally unable to feel. At all. Nothing. Zip. Some would think its peaceful and I can't say whether or not is but I don't think so.

You see, I can feel things physically. I get "clues" from my body what I am feeling. For instance, I associate when i am shaking and sweating as being "fear". I associate having energy as being "happy". Its not always correct but at least its something. My therapist said that it will take time but I should be able to feel again eventually.

The thing is....I have not felt any emotions for a very very long time. Sure I can fake a smile when i think I'm supposed to or act horrified to save face or even act sympathetic. its not that I'm "faking it" on purpose its that I know no other way to be. I know some people may misinterpret this as being two faced, its not. I'm not doing it willingly. Its my bodies protection against my abuse. I had no other option but to check out so i could survive, or else i would have mentally broken down and ended up in the loony bin (therapist words lol). Please pray I will learn how to feel something, even if the feelings hurt...at least its something.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:02 pm

I know you're all alone in a crowd full of friends
I can see it in your eyes that you're fading again
checkin' out, movin' into your hole where the light can't touch any part of your soul
but hold up and let the river rush in
you can turn around and start livin' again
it's your life, it's a beautiful glow in the image of the one that created you

(Atmosphere - Toby Mac)

I can't truthfully say I simpathize with what you're feeling right now and I probably never will, but the one thing I do know is that God has not abbandoned you, Kelly. He's waiting right now to wrap his loving arms around you, hold you close, tell you that you're beautiful and special, wonderful and blessed. Sister, you're a daughter of the king and that makes you a princess, not matter what you do or where you go. Don't forget that. When the enemy attacks you with those feelings of guilt and shame, look him in the face and tell him 'NO! I am a daughter of the most high. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blinded by your lies, but now I see truth and the truth has set me free! I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and nobody is going to tell me differnet!' May God shine upon you and bless you with joy, peace and healing. In Christ's holy name, Amen!

-SN-

Postby **xblack_x_rosesx** » Tue Dec 02, 2008 9:32 pm

... I'm sorry, I don't have anything to say...
I wish there was something,

but.
I'll be praying for you.

Postby **Kunoichi** » Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:20 pm

Thank you both.

Honestly, SN, there is no shame. its kind of funny to Matt when i told him at least I can't get angry at you. Which is true. If i feel like i'm supposed to be mad, i realize i'm not feeling anything so really..how can I be mad? It makes my stomach twist just thinking about it.

I'm dissociating a lot right now. Regressing to a five year old state, acting childish..not really in actions as much as in the privacy of my room, thinking like a kid. Acting more like a kid than adult with matt. he doesn't mind, since he knows what's going on. He is supportive but knows when I just have to be alone and not be an adult.

i'm not hungry either...fighting loss of consciousness has been very very draining today...i'm beyond exhausted. Plus nightmares last night have been hard.

Postby **Kunoichi** » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:31 pm

Please see leaving CAA a bit thread in the General forum....i'm going to be gone for a while...not sure how long

Trying to Find my identity - sorry for all the posts ^^;

Who is online

Loading