Fallen soilder.

[roadoffew]

for those who have been praying for me this is a new forum update on me.

It hasn't gotten any better sadly. I'm still looking up porn everyday and never pray or read my bible. I haven't been to church in weeks, maybe even months. I walk around with anger. It's not that things are really that bad now. But I get upset easily. I have a hard time not thinking mean things about the people I see walking by. I grow impatient with people who are slower than me at the checkout or people who can't park straight and take up two spots instead of one.

I look constantly around me Christianity today. Brothers and Sisters who are more and more like the world today. Christians who when not inside the building of the church will quickly forget Proverbs 10:32. I also see devout Christians in the media shying away from being called "Christian" fearing they will be labeled along with all the false christians who preach with hate instead of love, yet in refusing to be called Christian they themselves approve the thought of Christianity to be something to avoid.

I see all this yet can give no voice to the cause. I can not make a stand on truth. I am the worst of them all. I am more like the world than they are. And thought I can see my faults and no where I am, I can not move forward. The motivation I had as a youth in my old church, The fire I had that would touch someone, the will to do what is right....Is gone. All I have the power to do is sit here and sulk. I used to hate people who did that but now I am that person.

God never leaves us. He is always watching and waiting for us. Yet I can't shake the feeling of being all alone. The lyrics to "The Hard Way" by Fort Minor grow strangely more familiar to my soul than they did when i first heard that song. I may have pushed them away but still sometimes I wonder why they don't try to reach back for me.

"God helps those who help themselves". I'm pretty sure that statement is not found in scripture. I hope not anyway. I just don't know how to help myself. I would need something more that what I can bring to the table.

"LORD I need a movement that shakes the trees, trembles the waters, and shatters the mountain sides."

[Danderson]

From looking not only at the lives of the Christians around you as well as ur own life, u know that Christians are not perfect....But it is important to remember, the behavior of a believer does not make Jesus real or not real....

...I would suggest, however, that u seek out some like minded believers, a support group of some kind....They are out there; u just need to keep looking (as well as praying) for them. When we go without that support for too long, then that fire does start to fade away and die...

I understand when u say it feels like He's far away, there have been times where I've felt like that too, even when reading and listening to His Word...But even though I feel that way sometimes, I try to remember that our feelings deceive us sometimes...I can't think of anything else that would help u, but I will pray that u will run into some believers in ur area that will lift u up in spirit...

u have my prayers as well....

[12praiseGOD]

Definetly praying!

[roadoffew]

*update*
sorry for being a broken record and repeatedly tell how much I've "backslidin". I'm just going to keep it short.

My attitude toward porn has become "I'm addicted, so what?"
My friendhips are none existent and I think "so what?"
I have no prayer life or bible reading time and I think "so what?"
I know this is wrong but I can't help but think "so what?"
in short, no motivation to have motivation. That is my story.