Trying to Find my identity - sorry for all the posts ^^;

[Shilohan ninja]

Father, I pray right now that you will give Kelly peace in this situation with Matt's sister-in-law. I pray that the baby will be entrusted to the right person(s) as Matt's brother and his wife work through their differneces. Help them to seek your wisdom and guidance in this turbulant time. May your will and justice prevail, no matter what the outcome. All glory and honor be to your name in everything that transpires. In the mighty and holy name of Jesus, Amen.

The Lord bless you and keep you all, sister.
-SN-

[Kunoichi]

The baby is doing ok we will see what happens

I'm going to write a letter to my family about what has happened so please pray i have strength and they are given understanding and compassion

[SnEptUne]

I have what is called complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Because the I had multiple traumas or traumatic experiences that occurred for a long period (in my case five years) lets just say that i'm a little messed up by it.

I am trying to see a counselor...one that is licensed and certified and hopefully a PTSD specialist. Forgiveness is not something I'm even addressing right now as I emotionally and mentally can't think about my abusers without getting sick. Altho I am not harboring towards them as people but rather the actions themselves.

It is no longer about me trying to find my identity as much as it is learning how to deal with the affects of the abuse. I know people will not understand (or at least those who have never been abused won't) the severity of trying to live minute by minute when you feel like your shattered but I will ask for prayer for strength and peace.

And as far as exercise is concerned since it seems to be people's or one of people's favorite advice, i DO exercise but I can only do very little due to my back and fibromyalgia right now. (and i'm not trying to sound mean or harsh or ungrateful for advice just kinda grumpy right now from lack of sleep)

I don't really try to "feel better" anymore as much as I do just try to be where I'm supposed to be on my journey. That's all i can do. I'm here minute by minute and that's all i can do right now.

It is indeed very difficult to forgive someone who has abuse you for half a decade. We are not saint, we have feelings, be it angers, hatred, and self-loathing. They make trust and friendship such a miracle.

Over the years, I have become more distant with people. Like how you got sick of your abuser, I also got sick of myself for all the sick things I did during childhood. I had also thought of commiting suicide, and not the pretty kinds. I actually planned to open my gut wide and let the acid ate me alive for all the damage I had caused.

Yet, I have come to realize that even after I died, all this angst will remain. Which is why I am living through life everydays and devote myself to restore justice. There is nothing in myself to trust, thus I trust others. If something bad will befall me, let it be my punishment.

[Shilohan ninja]

I found this on another forum I just joined and thought of you when I read it.

[quote: lyrics by musicmiss of the KJ-52 board]
It's hard not to think about all the time that's been wasted
Trying to create this life that seems faithless
It seems like her heartbeat has faded
From all the pain, all the shame and the hatred
How can she forgive when she knows what's been taken
But how can she live with a soul that's so shaken
Trying so hard to face it, but her mind just rewinds
It replays it
It's so clear in her eyes, her memory cies
The pictures have stained it
Now she's trying so hard to explain it

Sometimes you lose control
How can you let this go
It's deep inside your soul
You're breaking it seems so impossible
Like you can't speak at all
And you are left to crawl
You always take this fall
You're breaking, it seems like you've lost it all

She can't always stop the feelings that take her
She longs for healing but it seems like it breaks her
Inside it feels like her blood is raging
The anger inside is racing and the pain, it shakes her
There's so many things that words aren't explaining
She gets so scared when she goes back to that place
And there's so many secrets that her thoughts are containing
Of the shame you gave her, it swallows her name
Now she tries to abstain from the fear and the rage
But her mind keeps going back to that place of pain
And it seems like she'll take this down to the grave

Sometimes you lose control
How do you let this go
It's deep inside your soul
You're breaking, it seems so impossible
Like you can't speak at all
And you are left to crawl
You always take this fall
You're breaking, it seems like you've lost it all

Mistakes can be such hard games to play
Especially when they shout your name
And you look back with tears down the way that you came
The worst thing in the world i sknowing the pain
Can't be undone and it can't be changed
Sometimes it feels like you're all alone
When silence cuts like a knife to the bone
I promise you that you can make it through
Even though it's hard when you can't escape the things left in you
It hurts so much pouring salt in the wounds
But God's right there, this will be over soon

You don't have to lose control
You can let this go
Deep inside your soul
You can know that this isn't impossible
When you can't speak at all
And you can only crawl
It's ok to fall
Our God is the God who restores it all[/QUOTE]

Godbless, Kelly-sama.
-SN-

[Kunoichi]

TY Sn ^^ It is beautiful lyrics.

Haven't gotten much sleep last three days. Nightmares everynight. First night was about being attacked and having to kill someone. Second night was having being found by my abuser. Last night, was getting raped....

I have been suffereing anxiety attacks for the last two days. I'm breaking and I'm trying not to run.

[MangArtist]

My heart breaks for you, Kelly. If there was anything I could do, I would do in a heartbeat.
Just remember,(you probably already know this) God has a reason for letting this happen.
I love ya and I'm still praying for you, sis. =)

[Kunoichi]

*hugs thank you mang...it means a lot ^^ sorry for not responding to PM....I've been less then attentive

I've had 2 anxiety attacks this morning....i did call victim services to start scheduling therapy tho...please pray...these attacks I think are affecting my heart

[Shilohan ninja]

I can feel you all around me
thinckening the air I'm breathing
holding onto what I'm feeling
savoring this hard-times heeling
as I cry...
(All Around Me by Flyleaf)

I cannot imagine what it's like to be in your shoes right now
All that I can do is pray that you'll make it somehow
You lie there, in your room all alone
While those thoughts in your head steadily break you down
You're reaching for help, you want end this hell
You fight the demons within that know you so well
You can't take this anymore, you want to give up and die
I'm pray fervently that you won't believe the lies
You're fading fast, the world's against you now
You've got to push on, you've got to make it somehow
You can't go on...

But someone sees all the hurt that's been inflicted
He knows all your pain, all the lies that restricted you
There is a light at the end of this tunnel
This won't last forever, the Son is still shining for you

You've been rejected by everyone who's closest to you
You're feeling so lost, you don't know what to do
You can cry out to the one still loves you
He can take all the pain, he can take all your sorrow
Just pray...

There is someone who sees all the hurt that's been inflicted
He knows all of your pain, all the lies that restricted you
There is a light at the end of this tunnel
This fear won't last forever, the Son is still shining for you

For I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. -Jesus

May the Father give you peace, may you find rest in the shadow of his wings. Godbless you, sister. Godspeed.

-SN-

[Kunoichi]

End up having 3 massive attacks at work....its getting to the point where i may not be able to work for the time being. i can barely function when these attacks happen, I have to actually step off the floor and get myself composed before working again. so far no one has said anything but I'm not sure how long that will last.

[agasfas]

I feel like I am coming in a little late, but I wanted to give you words of encouragement. I will be praying for you, that the Lord will help comfort you and give you strength to persevere through these hard times.

[Kunoichi]

ty agasfas and SN *hugs

anxiety attacks weren't as bad today but matt was working with me so I felt safer. I should be able to get some therapy scheduled tomorrow.....I just..need alot of prayer. I'm surviving minute by minute and while that sounds great..its a hard way to live.

[Shilohan ninja]

I hope this can bring you some consolation in your troubled time, sister.

Godbless, Kelly-sama.

-SN-

[Gabriel 9.0]

Praying for you Kelly , my good friend:). It will work out, especially with the Lord by your side:cool:

[Kunoichi]

Thank you IamHIS ^_^ It has helped...I can't fully comprehend it so I may need to read it little bits to understand.

I actually got some sleep last night ^_^ So I didn't have nightmares...I dreamed I was a dragon but i didn't have nightmares lol I'm still pretty tired because its one day out of three weeks for sleep but hopefully it will work!

[MangArtist]

Awesome! I'll be praying things keep going that way! ^_^

[Kunoichi]

Nightmares again...anxiety attacks and I'm very very tired.

Therapy starts Monday *smile*

[Roz]

I'm new but I wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you. I can empathize a little about the anxiety and while not on the others I am praying for you on all of them.

Philippians 4:13

Roz

[Kunoichi]

Ty Roz

Actually did something very very hard for me...

I told my aunt about my abuse..the only family member who knows thus far. She didn't understand it all in terms of alot of empathy but at least she listened which is good.

[Kunoichi]

been in an anxiety attack for over two hours...its wearing me down AND i have to work tonight. I feel so numb with pain and exhaustion. I do not want to spiral into depression but I'm heading there.

Please pray

[Roz]

You are currently being bombarded with prayer.

Keep going, you can do this.

[Gabriel 9.0]

Praying for you Kelly

[Kunoichi]

thanks guys Prayer helped..the anxiety attack lasted for over 5 hours!!!

But I start therapy tomorrow so hopefully that will help! Your guys support is what gets me through most of the time

[Kunoichi]

Update:

Went to therapy

She says I definetely have PTSD, moderate to severe depression and that I suffered from Stockholm syndrome during the abuse.

She does think that i definetely have hope of course, but that its going to be a while because i'm still so new to the trauma that my brain doesn't know i"m not still being abused yet. Its still defending itself.

She gave me a number to a govt. number that I can call that I can see a doc for free for anxiety meds and sleep aids.

Please pray. Everyday is a struggle...but I am working towards getting better at least

On another note: I may be pregnant. While Matt and I are thrilled and are not worried...i'm more worried about the judgement I will recieve from my family. I believe Matt and I are married, whether we had a ceremony or not. However, my family won't see it that way and are going to go on about how my life is over and how I am stupid etc.

I wish they would just accept me for who I am and be happy for me. If for anything, the fact I'm out of abuse. But it may be a fact I have to live for and it may be that I get ostracized, well I have been through worse.

Please pray for me and my family, that I will be met with compassion if I am pregnant.

I won't know for about a week to two weeks max so I will let everyone know what is going on. Financially and housing wise, I'm not where I want to be for a baby (want a career set and a house) but its a blessing if I am.

[Gala]

I will definitely pray for you... something that isn't a well known fact is (in fact, I just told my mom this summer) that I was molested by a few people in elementary and jr. high (all students).. it's nothing compared to what you went through, but I have an idea of what you are going through. God will work with you through it. He is still working with me, but now I can actually trust again for the most part.

[Shilohan ninja]

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say
"It's just a faze, you'll be okay, you're fine."

But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everything you want me to be
The last night you spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
(The Last Night - Skillet)

I am still praying for you, Kelly. Just remember who you belong to; He'll wrap you in his arms and he won't let you down. I pray peace and joy and love and destiny over you, sister. You're a beautiful creation, never forget that. Godbless and Godspeed.
-SN-

[Kunoichi]

had a nightmare two nights ago and woke up in a full blown panic attack and unable to breathe.

Please pray..still no news on whether or not i'm pregnant, i'll know in a few more days I think though.

[Roz]

Sorry about the nightmares. I'll be praying for you.

[Kunoichi]

I'm really really struggling with the aspect of being pregnant. Not that I'm going to abort or anything but just the fact i'm going and currently being judged by both family and other Christians.

It makes me so angry! I just wish people who claim they are so loving, would show me that compassion even if they don't agree about my view of being married or the fact I'm pregnant. (though again i'm not sure if I even am but still..)

[Shilohan ninja]

It's a sad truth that not all who claim to be Christians actually practice what they preach. God said there would be immitators that will go around claiming the title of a follower, putting on a "good christian" facade to try to fool society and hide their own shortcomings with white-washed religiousity. It's like that Casting Crowns song...

Are we happy plastic people in our shinny plastic steaples
with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our face

They want the joy and peace that real believers have, but they don't want to be committed. They see commitment as rules and regulations and Americans, these days, have grown very accustomed to having everything, or close to it, their way. Because of this, they don't have a real relationship and therefore, they have not love. You can say you love God with all your heart, but if you don't love other people unconditionally, you're basically saying you don't fully love God. It was foretold us by Christ, himself, that such immitators would come after him, proclaiming his name for their own gains, to discredit the Christian faith, to turn others away from God. We were warned about this. It just comes with the territory.

If it's any consolation, though, the same kind of thing happens to me all the time at school. It's nothingcompaired to what you must be going through. I do hope that you can find a special place of peace in the shadow of His wings. May Jesus' blood continue to heal you, day by day, and give your soul peace and rest. Godbless you, Kelly.

-SN-

[Kunoichi]

Thanks SN

Feel like a failure right now and guilty..i'm sick and can not function like a nnormal human being and at the same time, people do not believe mental illnesses are real. They few them as being the victims fault....