Trying to Find my identity - sorry for all the posts ^^;

Postby **animechica** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:23 am

Yeah, it seems like a lot of times, the first part of the healing process is to finally let everything hit you so you can "flush" it out of yourself, so to speak.

I'll be praying for you.
If you ever wanna talk to anyone, I'm very willing <3

Postby **SnEptUne** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:13 pm

I also have this problem, but I stopped wondering about my identity. In the end, it doesn't matter what kind of label people threw at you, you are who you are, period.

In fact, I would go as far as denouncing my gender, my race, and my degree because they are merely accessories of my vessel.

I don't need to trust myself, because there is nothing for me to trust. However, I trust others because I want to trust them, there is no reason to not trust them, and that's my reason. But I would not hold grudge if they do not hold up to my expectation, people are not perfect. Beside, there are more questions than answers in this world.

I am probably abnormal to a fault, but this is just my two cents. You are not alone in this struggle.

my last fm profile! · Postby **rocklobster** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 2:05 pm

Wow, that's deep.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:09 pm

Well, they say misery loves company, though I've never been to that state, so I wouldn't know.
Seriously, though, you are not alone. I'm sure Jesus developed similar back problems in his torture and crucifixion. That's no dope.
-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:50 pm

Snep:

I know your trying to help and I understand your words...but at the same time, it isn't as easy as "trust"...sigh* hard to explain anyways thanks for your words *smile

Please keep praying and I appreciate it

Postby **Kunoichi** » Mon Oct 27, 2008 10:58 am

vertebrae in neck got put back in place

migraine all night, vomiting and no sleep. Please pray for the pain to lessen

Postby **Kunoichi** » Mon Oct 27, 2008 5:46 pm

Going into heavy depression, anger and I really really just want to run and give up right now. i won't and I know that..but i can't help how I feel right now.

I know that these feelings won't last forever...I'm just going through a lot of anger right now...and just..so ticked off cuz ppl think they understand and tell me to just "get over it" and they have no freaking clue...anyways, yea i'm venting

Postby **Aedin** » Mon Oct 27, 2008 7:14 pm

I'm sorry I wasn't online when you posted this. I should be on YIM tomorrow around two thirty tomorrow afternoon. If you're on then, can we please talk? I want to be here for you.

Postby **Doubleshadow** » Mon Oct 27, 2008 8:40 pm

When I gave up my fear attached to my childhood traumas, I felt shattered. That isn't metaphorical; I had built who I was around those fears and barriers. I literally felt like the scaffolding of my understanding of myself was gone. I was a stranger to myself with no point of reference-giving up my past left me without an identity. I cannot emphasize enough the feeling of disorientation and being lost when you have no idea who you even are for those of you who have never been through it.
I had to pick through the pieces and go through a lot of growing and learning before I had something to work with. Even now, I feel vaguely like I am still trying on personas because of some things I'm sorting out. The shrink on campus told me flat out I was too much for him to handle.
You can't expect something as momentous as the construction of a person to be instant. Even Abraham, who talked with God like he did, wandered through life not knowing what the heck was going on most the time. The point is you just go. Surrendering to anothers strength after so long desperately trying to make it so you could survive on your own to be free of outside influences, and testing out new aspects of who you were and who you could be takes bravery. It's being brave, being willing to fail, get hurt, being willing to go with Someone you can't always feel down a path you can't see at all, that's tough.

Praying for your joyful fearlessness, sis.

DS

Postby **Kunoichi** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 1:39 am

DS,

that is pretty much exactly how i feel. I feel like i have no persona, no identity cuz i was isolated and manipulated for the last five years. And then my best friend wonders why i'm not as I was....it makes me so angry! I just feel like shouting at people until they get an understanding of it! But they won't and can't. How can they?

It just hurts..and I have to work today, running on 5 hrs in the last 48 hrs..so I'm really tired..and I just want to stay in bed, stay in the room and not come out..I want to give up..its so much freaking easier. i won't tho. I have to keep fighting and i'm out of strength.

Thanks for praying and your continued prayer.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Tue Oct 28, 2008 3:18 pm

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk of stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulder
You raise me up to more than I can be

May the Joy of the Lord be your strength, Kelly. Godspeed, sister.
-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:25 am

anger...depression and fear are cycling thru me..I keep having nightmares and then i'm ok again..sigh* i hate emotional turbulence

Postby **Kunoichi** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:38 am

......how do i stop this?

I'm hurting those i love..they don't understand..i don't understand it and I have no patience except what God gives me ..which I know should be enough..am i failing my Lord with this...am I going to be the one that he casts aside..saying how he never knew me?

Postby **MangArtist** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:09 pm

I'm so very sorry, sis. You know you have my prayers.
Kelly. He will never ever cast you aside.

Postby **Aedin** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 2:13 pm

Whenever I said I was afraid I'd be the one he said he didn't know, you asked me "what's so special about you, you're not as bad as Hitler, and Hitler could get into Heaven, so what's so special or so bad about you that you'll be the one he doesn't accept into Heaven?" Same thing goes for you Kuno. If I can get accepted, and not turned away, so can you. You're gonna be fine. I know for a fact I'm worse than you. You won't believe me, but you don't know my past. I'm worse than you, but if I can get accepted, so will you.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:44 pm

If it weren't for Christ, we'd all go to Hell, period. He loved us enough to give us himself, to give us his life, that we may again become one with the Father when our earthly shells expire. He's not going to throw you into Hell just for messing up. If that were the case, then why would Heaven even exist? He loves you more than you could possibly imagine, he will never leave or forsake you. I am praying for you, always. The Lord works in mysterious ways, Kelly. Just ask him for joy, love, peace, patients, kindness and self control. Ask and you will recieve. Knock and the door will be opened to you.
Much luv and many blessings be to you, sister. Godspeed.
-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:01 am

*crying* thankyou brothers..

I just...i do not want to fail the Lord or be lukewarm in my faith..i feel like i'm tearing myself apart...I know God is with me..and yet my feelings are of abandonment though I know the Lord never abandons...

These nightmares do not stop..of being killed by my abuser, of being captured, tortured..raped again and again...I just want this to stop...and i'm afraid...and I hate myself that i'm afraid. I want to be strong..to be like those who do great things for God..even tho it won't be on my merit

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:19 pm

depression...and intense fear with panic and anxiety attacks occurring...God is with me thru this storm and for whatever reason he is having me endure

positive note is i have a therapist appt on monday witha biblical counselor and its free...praise God

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:23 pm

I cannot say I've been there
All I can say is that I care
I wish that I could take away your pain
I wish I could keep you from going insane
You're like a rose that's been trampled under foot
You've been mistreated, abused, broken and mistook for a wretch

But there is one who see's you now
He'll never leave, never forsake you, never put you down
He wants to wrap you in his arms and never let you go
He wants to show you love, to show you love, alone

You lie here in pain
Wanting nothing more than this misery to go away
You're fading slowly, wanting to fly out that door
Your heart aches, breaking, you don't want this anymore
You want to give up 'cause it seems too hard

But I know there's a better way than taking your life
Trust in Jesus, He wants to give you back a new life
He wants to wrap you in his arms and never let go
He wants to show you love, He wants to show you love, alone

I just felt a poetic inclination rise up and I thought you might need that. My Godbless you, Kelly-sama. Godspeed.
-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:54 am

*smile i loved it SN ...really it meant alot!

Another stressor to add, through different reasons..may have to adopt or at least take care of my husband's nephew (he's 7 months old)...i don't know..but we pretty much do anyways right now...at least 4 to 5 days out of the week. So I'm a little stressed at that tho i would adopt him in a heartbeat

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 7:27 pm

It's probably none of my bees wax, but I'm just a little curious as to why you might be adopting your nephew.

Glad I could bring some joy to you in the midst of pain and frustration, Kelly. Godbless you and Godspeed in your trials and healing. Amen.

-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:13 am

because his mom threatens to leave all the time with teh baby and she doesn't take care of him. So we would take him

struggling beyond what i can express right now....i want to just hide for the rest of my life...stupid and selfish but I don't care right now. I know the platitudes and they do nothing to ease this gut wrenching pain...anger, despair, depression, fear, lack of sleep, lack of hope at times, ....

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Mon Nov 03, 2008 3:50 pm

It's in this wake that I find myself
Losing the will to resume this hell
When every breath is a dying wish
It's harder to follow the point of this

This broken place that I call my home
Is deep in the sorrow that I have sewn
And i can't erase what is in my heart
I wanted to finish before it starts

My own solution in discretion again
Our false solution is devoured in dread
Our own solution giving rein to it's head?
and open my face to the darkened sky

I've been fading away
I've been waiting for a call to reach my veins
Ready or not
No attention to waist
Every sorrow of the soul will reap my name
When I cease to exist

Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands

When I cease to exist

Just another song to help you in your time of trouble. It's Fading Away by Demon Hunter.
God sees you pain, hears your every plea. He will not abandon you now. He never has and he never will. May you find peace and rest in the shadow of his wings, sister.
Godspeed and Godbless, dear Kelly. Amen.
-SN-

Postby **Phantom_Sorano** » Mon Nov 03, 2008 4:32 pm

Miss Kelly,

First and foremost, I am terribly sorry to hear what has happened to you. My heart aches from reading your posts.

I understand somewhat where you are coming from...I was molested once when I was a child, so I know that feeling of self doubt and overall confusion.

My tips are this:
1. Keep a You-and-God journal. Write your questions to Him hear, for this will make things you wanted answered concrete.
2. Exercise....it's good for you. Not only do you increase endorfins, but it will help reduce the number of flashbacks you have....seriously.
3. Ask God to help you forgive him. He doesn't deserve it, but its the right thing to do. By getting rid of any residue in your heart, you can get closer to God.
4. See a counselor. I saw a councelor years ago for my problems, and it feels good to get things off your chest. If you cannot afford one, find a confidant on the website and develop a friend-like relationship where you can talk about stuff. A friend to talk to does wonders.
5. Take 30 minutes everyday and do something you enjoy. No matter if its just watching paint dry or writing a novel...find something that soothes you. You need your "you-time".
6. Take a herb called EM-Balance. It's natural and it helps with controlling those bad images or thoughts.
7. Never feel as if you have no way out or that you don't have a purpose. God created you FOR a reason and you definiately have a great purpose. God never puts us through something He thinks we can't handle....so God has some great things planned for you!
8. Be patient. You will not discover yourself overnight....it'll take some time. So chill out and take it one day at a time. Laugh, eat, make friends, do stuff, and love God. Over time, you will find the pieces to the wonderful person that God made you to be.

If you ever want to talk....you can always send me a message. God bless you, dear.

-Soran

Postby **Kunoichi** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 1:21 am

I have what is called complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Because the I had multiple traumas or traumatic experiences that occurred for a long period (in my case five years) lets just say that i'm a little messed up by it.

I am trying to see a counselor...one that is licensed and certified and hopefully a PTSD specialist. Forgiveness is not something I'm even addressing right now as I emotionally and mentally can't think about my abusers without getting sick. Altho I am not harboring towards them as people but rather the actions themselves.

It is no longer about me trying to find my identity as much as it is learning how to deal with the affects of the abuse. I know people will not understand (or at least those who have never been abused won't) the severity of trying to live minute by minute when you feel like your shattered but I will ask for prayer for strength and peace.

And as far as exercise is concerned since it seems to be people's or one of people's favorite advice, i DO exercise but I can only do very little due to my back and fibromyalgia right now. (and i'm not trying to sound mean or harsh or ungrateful for advice just kinda grumpy right now from lack of sleep)

I don't really try to "feel better" anymore as much as I do just try to be where I'm supposed to be on my journey. That's all i can do. I'm here minute by minute and that's all i can do right now.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:46 pm

Sometimes that's all that can be done. You just have to take it in stride and keep bringing it to God. I do have to say, though, it might help to have a prayer journal of some kind that you can write in and just pour your heart out to God. And remember, if you need someone to talk to, you are always among friends here. Don't forget that. Don't ever forget that. I still pray that God reveals himself to you and that he continues to shower you with peace, joy and love.
Godspeed and many blessings, dearest sister in the faith. The Lord bless you and keep you, always. Amen.
-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:32 pm

broke down tonight to the point where i wanted to kill myself and was determined to but Matt helped me...

Please pray as these break downs happen god will keep me strong enough not to take my life and keep matt strong enough to help me. thankyou

Postby **Prince Asbel** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 8:55 pm

Dear father, please lift Kunoichi's spirit. I know you have a purpose in all this, but I know you've pre-ordained to make your future decisions in cooperation with our requests. And I request that you would heal Kunoichi's spirit and health. I also pray for Matt, that you would continue to give him the strength to be there for Kunoichi, and for him to grow spiritually. Amen.

Postby **Shilohan ninja** » Tue Nov 04, 2008 10:26 pm

You are very blessed to be married to such a faithful partner. For that, we are thankful. Blessed you are, sister, and blessed may you be in the future. Blessed be the name of the Lord who has made it possible. Godbless you, forever and always, Kelly. Amen.

-SN-

Postby **Kunoichi** » Wed Nov 05, 2008 3:35 am

anxiety that has lasted from last night into morning

had a family emergency lastt night that i'm not sure turned out...to make long story short, matt's sister in law is bipolar and without meds. She and matt's brother got into a fight, she called him a bunch of names, and he punched a hole in the door cuz he was mad.

She threatened to call the police and take alex (the baby) and run. I don't trust her with the baby at all (many times she hasn't fed him, bathed him etc) however, since she's the mother...court would side with her possibly but i'm not sure.

I can't take another stressor....and i can't breathe right now. I'm not sure if grandma has custody of the baby right now or not....please pray i can survive today i'm barely hanging on

Trying to Find my identity - sorry for all the posts ^^;

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