i'm getting really discouraged...

[animechica]

so basically, always-single Christian otaku girl meets always-single Christian otaku guy.

years pass and, yeah, life happens and they get together.
life also happens when she finds out about the hentai addiction. yeah.

you guys, i don't know what to do anymore.
at first, I could deal with it, like "Okay, we'll fix this, it'll be fine, I forgive you."
And I do forgive him, every single time, because he genuinely wants to stop. He wanted to stop a few years before this point, he just never had anyone to hold him accountable because he doesn't even open up to his friends much.

But it's getting more difficult, not to forgive really, but it used to be "Oh, just try harder tomorrow" and now it's more like "I can't deal with this..." because the self-image issues hit me first, and then the jealousy...

today I tried fasting because I can't think of anything else to do, and I did pray about it more often, but I don't think I can keep it up, because I'm kind of a weak person as it is, and I really don't feel well and can't concentrate on much of anything when I'm like this. I thought it would be easier because I've gone without food before (due to being really emetophobic) but it's different when you're not just lying around...

Anyway, I'm stuck. I DON'T want to break up with him, because he's really a great guy, he's my best friend... it's a really good relationship, and I don't have bitter feelings towards him for the hentai thing. The only problem is, to hear "no..." as the answer to "So are you doing good?" really bothers me. Like I said, there's a lot of jealousy involved because to me, anime characters are people, too... *otaku*

I dunno, we both need a lot of prayer. We both want to save sex for marriage, so I guess it's more tempting for him because there is no other "sexual release" right now.

please pray for him to be able to quit, and for me to just... i dunno, not go off the deep end eventually...? please...

[mysngoeshere56]

I'll be praying. Maybe he should get a male accountability partner to help him with this as well?

[animechica]

I'll be praying. Maybe he should get a male accountability partner to help him with this as well?

I've asked him if that would be better, but there are two main reasons:

1. He isn't close enough to his male friends to get that personal (and he doesn't get personal with random people online, either..) and has said that he doesn't trust a lot of people.

2. He said it was more of a motivation if I was the one holding him accountable rather than someone else, because out of all the people he doesn't want to let down, I am the last one he wants to disappoint.

And I'm okay with that, because I do understand that when you don't trust a lot of people, you don't want to say that kind of thing about yourself casually. You say it to someone you really trust... I'm okay with being the motivation, I'm just having a hard time... see, while I find hentai fascinating (because I find sex fascinating, but I know it is not right in this context), because I'm a girl and it seems so exploitative and stuff, it really disgusts me. The idea of it haunts me and I get to feeling really awful. I can't even explain what that awfulness is, because it's not really anger towards my boyfriend or anything like that. It's more of a depressed, lonely (because there are so many people in the world that like this stuff), and even sometimes disgusted type of feeling.

[Prince Asbel]

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. He needs an accountability partner. If he has no close male friends or relations, then perhaps you should be the one. Normally I would recommend against a girl being a guy's accountability partner, but if you're really all he has, then perhaps you should take that spot. Tell him that coming from a former addict, if he doesn't have a partner of SOME kind, he'll never break free of this.

I also recommend he read a couple of books: Every Young Man God's Man, and Every Young Man's Battle. These books worked like magic for me. I also had the good fortune of having a web security program on my computer that recorded every site I went on so someone always knew where I was going. And that cuts back on your attempts to look at hentai, let me tell you. It also blocked blatantly adult websites. You'll probably find those books in a Christian bookstore, but if you don't, get them off the net. If you don't feel comfortable with that, ask someone you know to get them for you. I'm sure these books will help him.

So 1. Get an accountability partner. 2. Install a web monitoring software like K9 Web Security. 3. Get him the first book at least, and the second one when he finishes the first. Oh, and I recommend you read Every Young Man's Battle at some point yourself. It might explain a few things about your boyfriend's struggles.

[animechica]

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. He needs an accountability partner. If he has no close male friends or relations, then perhaps you should be the one. Normally I would recommend against a girl being a guy's accountability partner, but if you're really all he has, then perhaps you should take that spot. Tell him that coming from a former addict, if he doesn't have a partner of SOME kind, he'll never break free of this.

I also recommend he read a couple of books: Every Young Man God's Man, and Every Young Man's Battle. These books worked like magic for me. I also had the good fortune of having a web security program on my computer that recorded every site I went on so someone always knew where I was going. And that cuts back on your attempts to look at hentai, let me tell you. It also blocked blatantly adult websites. You'll probably find those books in a Christian bookstore, but if you don't, get them off the net. If you don't feel comfortable with that, ask someone you know to get them for you. I'm sure these books will help him.

So 1. Get an accountability partner. 2. Install a web monitoring software like K9 Web Security. 3. Get him the first book at least, and the second one when he finishes the first. Oh, and I recommend you read Every Young Man's Battle at some point yourself. It might explain a few things about your boyfriend's struggles.

Oh, maybe I didn't make it clear, I am his accountability partner. We have a "system" of sorts where I ask him every day, and he tells me every day. So yeah...

But, actually, my family has Every Young Man's Battle and I have read it, and I asked him to read it too, which he did. I think it did help him, because he's constantly referring back to it, but he also remarked that he wondered if the authors were TRYING to make guys think about that stuff more because of the detail they used... which, strangely enough, is what about half of the reviews of it on Christianbook.com were saying too O_o;

Yeah... he does actually want to do the web security thing; unfortunately the computer in his house is shared, his dad is on it most of the time, and there's a lot of other people who use it, so if he set up a blocker there would probably be protests and possible anger (I know at least one member of his family is not a Christian). Another contributor is that due to complicated circumstances he has a lot of "idle" time and also some time where he's the only one awake. He always says "I really wish we lived together.." because he says it's only tempting when nobody else is around...

So yeah, I dunno. x_x

[12praiseGOD]

Praying!!!

[choklit]

Me too, definitely.

[Prince Asbel]

[quote="Sapphi (post: 1265805)"]Oh, maybe I didn't make it clear, I am his accountability partner. We have a "system" of sorts where I ask him every day, and he tells me every day. So yeah...

But, actually, my family has Every Young Man's Battle and I have read it, and I asked him to read it too, which he did. I think it did help him, because he's constantly referring back to it, but he also remarked that he wondered if the authors were TRYING to make guys think about that stuff more because of the detail they used... which, strangely enough, is what about half of the reviews of it on Christianbook.com were saying too O_o]

That's actually one of the reasons I said to have him read Every Young Man God's Man first. But really, even in the other book, the detail is not that heavy. So I think he's got the wrong idea, or he just made a careless comment in passing.

[quote="Sapphi (post: 1265805)"]Yeah... he does actually want to do the web security thing]

Hmph... Darn. His situation is much more difficult than I thought. It sounds as though that he is, in fact, much more alone in his struggles than I was. One of the things that Every Young Man's Battle AND Every Young Man God's Man is that you're not meant to battle these things alone. If you aren't alone... Then he has no choice. He has to tell his Dad or someone who lives with him about it. Having someone else know about it is a great motivator to change, considering the disgusting implications of it. Particularly, hentai. His Dad shouldn't be shocked, though. His problem is not rare.

When I said accountability partner, I had thought he would have some help at home. As he has none, then he needs to get some. His problem will not cease if he's left alone like he is now.

[animechica]

Thanks for your prayers, guys, it really means a lot... c:

Hmph... Darn. His situation is much more difficult than I thought. It sounds as though that he is, in fact, much more alone in his struggles than I was. One of the things that Every Young Man's Battle AND Every Young Man God's Man is that you're not meant to battle these things alone. If you aren't alone... Then he has no choice. He has to tell his Dad or someone who lives with him about it. Having someone else know about it is a great motivator to change, considering the disgusting implications of it. Particularly, hentai. His Dad shouldn't be shocked, though. His problem is not rare.

When I said accountability partner, I had thought he would have some help at home. As he has none, then he needs to get some. His problem will not cease if he's left alone like he is now.

*sigh* Yeah, it is difficult...
But, I really don't think he would ever tell his dad anything, there's a history of at least pretty bad verbal abuse, and consequently he's totally closed himself off to his dad. So yeah, not that great of a relationship there. I think you make a good point, but I'm afraid he wouldn't trust anyone in his family enough to tell them... I'm sorry it seems like I'm making weird excuses, but it really is a bad situation x.x

[Prince Asbel]

Thanks for your prayers, guys, it really means a lot... c:




*sigh* Yeah, it is difficult...
But, I really don't think he would ever tell his dad anything, there's a history of at least pretty bad verbal abuse, and consequently he's totally closed himself off to his dad. So yeah, not that great of a relationship there. I think you make a good point, but I'm afraid he wouldn't trust anyone in his family enough to tell them... I'm sorry it seems like I'm making weird excuses, but it really is a bad situation x.x

It's not wierd at all. Man... I'm afraid that I don't have advice to offer, aside from getting the other books in the Every Man series. I'll be praying for you two. May God provide some aid for your boyfriend to gain the victory over his struggles.

[SnEptUne]

I would also suggest convince him with reasons as well as bible scriptures. What is the reason behind him watching hentai?

If the hentai media are exploitive and sexist, doesn't it hurt his heart to support them by watching them? Such media exists because there are people that crave such images, which reinforce gender segregation. I wouldn't be surprise those kind of media are responsible for a number of rape incidents. Rape is more common that we believe because it isn't always obvious, such as boyfriend forcing his girlfriend to do sexual act by threatening to breakup or be angry/disappointed with her or vice-versa.

Granted, there are media/novels that have hentai scenes that are NOT exploitive. One example would be the women literatures, which are actually thought-provoking and reflect the real world. In fact, in my high school years, teacher forced us to read those kind of novels and to write essay about them.

What hurt my feeling the most is that popular hentai media are in fact downright sexist, sinful, and promote promiscuous behaviour instead of warning people of the consequences of their actions. Consider the implications of such activities, it doesn't take a genius to figure why it ought to be a sin according to the bible.

[Prince Asbel]

Well, I think sapphi's boyfriend already knows it's wrong, Sneptune. The thing is one could make a similar argument that someone shouldn't watch porn because it's wrong to lust period. You could ask then "Doesn't it bother people that it's sinful?" And most often, considering porn today, you could also ask "Shouldn't it bother people that they're getting a rise from watching something that is degrading to women? Or to men even?"

The answer is quite simply "Yes." Not always, but in this case, I would say yes. The problem is it doesn't matter. When someone is addicted to something like porn, it becomes a biological thing. Your body craves it like a drug addict craves another dose. So while someone may hate that a woman might, say, being abused in one way/level or another, his body is telling him the stimulation is good, and he needs it. That's where I was. I've seen that kind of thing before, but I would NEVER do the things I've seen on porn to my wife. NEVER.