At the end of August, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. This is most of the explanation I gave shortly after the break-up.
"[He] has very different ideas about God than I do - not in a way that doesn't make him saved, but in a way that doesn't mesh with what I know about God. I can't change what I know/believe, and he won't. And it's unfair of me to ask him to change when I never do. (Not that he ever asked me to, which made it more unfair to him.) I just know that the man I marry needs to be a godly, Christian man that I can grow with in the Lord, and pray with, and raise my family with the same ideals and ideas about God. And maybe a day will come when Garrett is that man, but right now he isn't. And I date for marriage, and I knew there wasn't a point going on when I didn't think it was going to work.
So, yesterday, he came over to my house and we just talked for a long time..Like, two hours. I cried a lot, because it's so hard to break the heart of someone you love and your own at the same time. But he understood - and we still love one another, there are no hard feelings - but we can't lie to ourselves and say it'll work out when it doesn't look like it can."
Those two ours we talked was, in my mind, the most intimate time I'd ever had with him. (Intimate in the sense of there being no barriers and complete honesty between us. I visit the conversation often in my memories.) Well, I was understandably depressed for about a week afterward, and we were remaining friends, and I started to ease back into single life. (He's the only boyfriend I've ever had.) Then it happened. Just about a month after we broke up, he started dating another girl. At first, I thought I would be okay. I soon found out I was very, very wrong. I spent two weeks in the worst state I've ever been in. I was getting scary, even to myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was constantly crying/sobbing, depressed, sick, and/or without appetite. Or angry. I had to exhaust myself sobbing so I could fall asleep, or my ceaseless thinking and sorrow would keep me awake. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and so, so alone. You see, I still love this boy very much. He means a great, great deal to me. And I believe I still mean a lot to him and that he still loves me as well. I would get so angry, with thoughts like, "Who could you, who still claims to love me and care about me and understand me, do this to me?" I've talked to my friends, trusted adults, my parents, and God. And nothing was easing my hurt. I even talked to the boy.
He 'broke up' with the girl a week later, though only to 'give me time', with full intentions of getting back together with her. And I don't want that. If he gives anyone time, he needs to give it to himself because HE needs it. To me, it was like he was saying 'It took me one month to get over our relationship that lasted eighteen times that!'. That's not entirely true, but that's how it felt. I wrestled with anger and heartache and jealousy and having my trust violated. Thursday night, I surrendered it to God, by writing four pages in my prayer journal. I've found forgiveness for said boy, and for myself. But it hasn't made the hurt any less - Because I do have such a love for this man, this boy. I figured out that he has the head knowledge of God - which it's biblically sound as it is - and not the heart knowledge of God.
I want to be with him again. I do. And I hope he does. I let him read my prayer (since it was my pure, raw thoughts to God, without trying to sugarcoat or avoid hurting feelings), and he hugged me for it. I wrote him a long note after that, basically saying that if he still wanted me, and if I meant as much to him as he says he does, that he'll come after me. And in order to get me back, and to find me again, he's going to have to go through God. He has to seek God to find me. And that he doesn't have all the time in the world to decide what I mean to him and what he's going to do about it. We're both seniors in high school, and I have no clue where I'm going to end up. If he doesn't come for me, I'm going to have to deal with the heartbreak again, and wait for another man that God puts in my path. And I told him I'd be patient, and that I would wait for him, because he means that much to me. If it were up to me and my emotions, I would run right back to him. But my reasons for breaking up were, I believe, still valid. And I really do want to spend my life with him. Because even though he hurt me so deeply, I still can't help but love him. Our relationship was far from perfect, but I cannot fathom having emotions this strong if they are not to mean something more. As of now, I told him that I'm not going to talk to him about this again unless HE wants to. I'm going to leave him alone and not pester him for awhile and see what happens.
So, I need prayer. And so does he. Above all things, I want him to encounter and accept Christ, so he can receive him and forge a relationship with God and love as Christ does, and in the way I always strived to love him. And that he'll have clarity and haste in his decision, that an urgency will be planted in his heart. As for myself, I'm still dealing with a great deal of emotions and hurt. I find myself thinking less about being betrayed, since I have forgiven, and more about what we had. Those moments, like prom, and our first date, first kiss, our last conversation as a couple. And I don't know if I have peace about breaking up anymore. Should I have worked harder? Did I give up on him too soon? Am I to be that beacon, that Christian influence, in his life, and as more than a friend? I even believe I received a sign from God last week in the Sunday Sermon (I'd prayed for one the night before), and our pastor preached on marriage and that it's a lie of Satan that 'people can't change'. So, I'm struggling with whether I really did do the right thing. Please pray for the both of us, and that God will lead us to one another again if it's His plan for us, or that He will give me the strength to love again and not miss out on the man He has prepared for me, whether it be Garrett or not.
Thank you all.
I did this picture over these past few weeks, showing both what I am feeling/have felt (red words), and what I want (white).
