Getting help

[fairyprincess90]

I'm very sick and twisted. I'm depressed and I struggle with depression and anorexia/bulimia. I have an anger problem as well and when I get very angry I write descriptive poems about killing the person I'm angry with and everything else. I usually rip up these poems after writing them because after I released my anger writing that I feel better and then don't need the poem anymore. But I forgot to rip up one I wrote about my mom and she found it and now my parents are making me get help.
But, I have to get it all myself since I'm 18.
They don't know I struggle with anorexia/bulimia but they know I'm depressed and a very angry person.
So I am going to talk to my doctor about an anti-depressant and I also am getting two types of christian counseling. I'm getting an individual counseling with a woman. Someone who can relate to my struggles and who can help me out. I'm also getting a counseling for me and my boyfriend that we can do together to help us both become stronger christians. I don't know who I'm going to go to for counseling so I'm praying hard about this decision. I feel weak and stupid that I have to go on meds an so I'm depressed about that right now. I thought I was strong enough to over-come this but I guess I was wrong.
I also feel horrible that my boyfriend has to be dragged into this with me.

I'm a little stressed trying to decide who I should go to..and I'm nervous about going to the doctors and what they will prescribe to me. I don't want anything that will make me hyper or gain weight. I just want a small dosage of something that will just make me not feel much emotion. I don't want something that will make me a silly, giddy little girl. I'd rather have something that will numb me and so I'm not feeling any emotions. But I don't know what they will prescribe. I especially don't want something that will make me gain weight because obviously if I gain weight that won't help with my anorexic and bulimic tendencies.

I'm confused and stressed and scared about the choices I need to make. If you could just pray that I can get help and that I can change and not be this angry, depressed, mentally insane individual I am. I don't want to be this way anymore. But, I'm scared to change.

Thank you for your prayers. God bless.

[termyt]

Fear of change I understand very well. I also loath the idea of using medication to change emotion. It would be a last resort for me. Before taking any mediation, I’d seek a second opinion.

The counseling is a wonderful idea, though. We are not intended to face everything on our own. Forget the independent, macho, I’m my own person, I can handle it crap and find help when you need it.

I think I know how’d I feel if I found such a poem about me from someone I cared for. I think I’d know that that poem did not fully reflect the true feelings that person had for me, but it would hurt. It would also make me want to help that person I loved. I’ll bet she’s not nearly so afraid that you hate her as she is afraid that you are going to harm yourself in some way.

I’ll try not to psychoanalyze you too much, but how do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself? What do you see when you look into a mirror? What does your mother see when she looks at you? Does she like you? How about God? What does he see? Did you know that He’s especially fond of you? Maybe if God likes you, you can like you, too?

I know that self-loathing is all the rage. I used to enjoy it myself. But you will never see the worth in others until you can see the worth in yourself. And believe me, your are worthy. You don’t need to be stronger or skinnier or happier or better than you are right now to be worth liking. You already are. Just look around you – you will see people who already like you just the way you are. They aren’t all stupid. You don’t have them all fooled. No, they see the value in you. God sees it. He wants you to see you the way He does. I’ve never met you face-to-face, but I can still see it to in some of the posts you have made here. It’s not hard to see. Please, get help so you can see it, too.

[Aedin]

I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and so I really hope I can come back and say more, but for now, I just wanted to say you can always talk to me if you want, and I've dealt with mid to severe depression for seven years. I'm on an antidepressant called Lexapro, it hasn't made me gain weight, it doesn't make me hyper or giddy or anything (and when I'm not on my meds, I can be kindof hyper lol), and I was talking to someone (from CAA actually) about it recently, and the exact way I described it to them was "it dulls my emotions" and over the past couple years I've discovered that's a pretty accurate way to describe it's effects. Whoever you talk to about this, maybe you should ask them about Lexapro. One of the reasons my doctor prescribed it to me is it's supposed to have the least amount of sideeffects of any antidepressant.

[Kunoichi]

I have had depression for over 8 years. I took Lexapro which for me, made me more suicidal. It might take some experimenting with the meds. You just want to make sure that those around you know the effects of it as well as if you are getting worse to make sure you get off of it. Also, it made me hyper lol But..if you are numb hun, well its not what you want. You may need a stabilizer versus an anti-depressant. Stabilizers will balance the hormones out. Your counselor will go over that with you.

Hun, I know its hard. Trust me when i tell you that I know how hard all of this is. I just got diagnosed with a chronic disease and depression has hit me harder. God is there tho hun. He is with you and will help you in this struggle.

[12praiseGOD]

Definetly praying my friend!

[fairyprincess90]

thank you all for the advice and prayers. I'm going to the doctors in an hour to speak with him about medication. I'll talk to him about Lexapro and ask about others. I don't think they'll give me a stabilizer for my hormones because a little while back I got blood work done and everything came back fine. I got my hormone level checked and thyroid checked and a few other things.
I'll keep you all posted about what the doctor will put me on. Just pray that it helps and that I don't get bad side-affects or anything.

[ST. Attidude]

I will certainly pray for you!

[NJel]

Because I've never experienced anything like that for myself I can't understand how terrible it must be; however, because I am a christian know that I still love you enough to pray for a swift recovery. We are promised in God's Word that we are already healed. All we have to do is reach for it, so know that, in Jesus name, 2000 years ago, YOU were healed!

My voice is in agreement with those who are praying for you.

[fairyprincess90]

So the doctor prescribed Remeron for me. I have to take it before bed and apparently it will help me sleep..and help fix whatever chemical imbalance I have. However one of the side effects is gaining weight which I'm very mad about. But, the doctor thinks this is the best choice for me. I really don't want to gain weight. Even though my mom thinks that I'm seven pounds below weight, I'm happy where I am, though losing like five pounds would be nice too. But, I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm happy where I am so I really really don't want to gain. If I gain I don't think that will help me at all.
But it's a very mild dosage and hopefully it will help. I have another appointment with my doctor in a month to talk about it.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and advice. It means so much to me. God bless.

[Prince Asbel]

You're in my prayers, fairyprincess90. I hope your medication works and that you don't gain too much weight. But believe me, getting a little overweight is always going to be better than anorexia/bulimia. ALWAYS.

[Saint Kevin]

I'm praying for you, my sister.

I have to agree with Prince Asbel on that one - being a bit overweight is definitely healthier (for your organs, teeth, skin, and mind) than bulimia/anorexia. And know that God will love you, and that we (your brethren in Christ) will love you, no matter your weight or appearance.

In the book of 1 Samuel, the prophet Samuel goes to the house of Jesse to see which of Jesse's eight sons God wants him to anoint the next king of Israel (to succeed Saul). The prophet Samuel made the mistake of seeing Jesse's firstborn son Eliab (who was tall) as God's choice for the next king of Israel. Jesse also made the mistake of thinking that of his eight sons, the choice for king would have been made from one of his oldest seven sons, and not his youngest David (whom he didn't bring before the prophet Samuel at first because he was tending the sheep).

God's response to Samuel's pre-judging Jesse's oldest son Eliab as the next king was as follows:

1 Samuel 16:6 - When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, "Surely the LORD's anointed stands here before the LORD."

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Even though the selection of David as king took place long ago, one thing is still true for today from this passage: God looks at the heart rather than outward appearance.

I know that true when God looks at you or me: He wants us to be concerned more with our heart before Him than our appearance. John the Baptist is another good example of this kind of thing - he had clothes made of camel's hair and ate bugs (Matthew 3), but God loved that he was a man after His heart.

So please, know that God is concerned far more with what's inside of you than what you look like or what you weigh. God loves you, no matter what, and he will never leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, you will get through this with God's love and grace - He is always there for you, and we will be here for you too.