Postby Kunoichi » Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:24 am
*smile
I am having a lot of love help me deal with my past. Sometimes I feel guilty...like i should just turn a switch and pretend everything is ok. But i know i can't. I am realizing more and more the extent of my abuse. Alot of it was delved in fear. He abused me to make me afraid of displeasing him. *Sorry i know some may not want to read this but this helps me mentally and emotionally to talk about it. By talking about it, I can't just bury it*
For the last five years, I was mentally and emotionally abused every single day. It was subtle and crafty how it was done. I was made to be afraid and literally every day was blamed for something that either couldn't possibly be my fault or was something that i couldn't avoid. I was made to fear him, yet he mentally (for he is very very intelligent) manipulated my mind so as to love him at the same time. He isolated me from my family, saying my mom did all these things (some was true but it was twisted truth that he told me) and made it to where i barely saw my family. He made me a slave in my job, often i would work without pay. If I tried to leave (i tried to quit multiple times), he would just make it to where i would stay (guilt and other things, fear mostly). He would tell me all the time how I was a hypocrite, how I lied, how things were all my fault. (there were times i lied because I was afraid that he would belittle me more). And yet I couldn't leave, he had me. He told me how I didn't really believe in God. He told me that nothing i did was good enough. I wasn't good enough. that when i got sick, well that was me making it up (even in the hospital), that when i got depressed (something that i have clinically and isn't something i can always control) - that i was doing it for attention.
He abused me sexually (something i was able to finally unbury last night with the help of my husband) - when i was younger as i went to leave, he would push me against the wall and try to kiss me to where i had to push his face away, he would touch me and everything else. Yet i told no one cuz he manipulated me in saying that it was fine. Eventaully we did more, even tho i didn't want to. And eventually, he manipulated me to where I did. I have to take responsibility tho because I could have ran, just felt I couldn't. And at this point, he had me hooked to where i felt i couldn't refuse.
Everyday for the last five years has been steeped in hell. Both mentally, emotionally and physically it was hell. A hell so steeped in fear that when i get flashbacks I shake and feel as if i'm going to vomit. I know people will not understand it. Afterall, I wasn't physically hit but it WAS abuse all the same. (Some ppl - not on here - have discredited what i have gone through)
I just need prayer as these things come to me. I am learning how not to be afraid to be myself, and as i grow more in following God he is healing me. It makes me nearly cry just thinking about how much he identifies with me and just loves me. That is the most I feel right now from here and from my God is overwhelming love. something that was twisted (For he said he loved me even when he abused me) and perveerted for the last five years. (the rape from my fiancee didn't help either).
I had to get that off my chest - not to say i am self pitying- but rather to admit, to unbury in myself the fact that i was a victim of abuse (a stab to my disillusioned independence). Thankyou all for your love, prayers and support. This is going to take a while to heal so be patient with me as I grow in the love of Christ.
God bless
Kelly
I am on the forefront of battle against the demons of earth. All Praise and Glory be given to God Forever and Ever!
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: