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Postby Kunoichi » Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:53 pm

Thanks sis ^_^

thankyou brother both for you scritpture and reminder of his promises and for you r love and prayer.

equilibrium is getting worse (almost fell over lol) I trust in my Lord. If it is his will to heal me, then i accept it. If it is his will i should deal with this a little longer, it is nothing. god is with me and that is all I need. I am a follower of the most high and returning back to my barbarian roots so to speak.

Brother it is true. Who can know the mind of GOd. Isaiah 54:9 comes to mind. I praise him and i will do what he wills

I am actually going to school soon so i can get a degree in biblical psychology. My family looks down on it but i don't care anymore. I trust in the most high and i follow Him alone.
I am on the forefront of battle against the demons of earth. All Praise and Glory be given to God Forever and Ever!


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Postby Shilohan ninja » Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:16 pm

Whoa! Casting Crowns' song Voice of Truth is playin on the radio right now! How's that for divine posting, for ya?!
I take it you know the song, yes?
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Postby Sparx00 » Wed Aug 27, 2008 7:33 am

Ah man... How could I have missed this?!! I'm praying for ya sis. Please stay strong.
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Postby Kunoichi » Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:42 pm

hey guys,

*hugs to both of you

yea thanks...phsyically not well right now but i'm ok *hugs just praying for strength. Please continue to pray and God bless
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Postby Shilohan ninja » Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:11 pm

*hugs you back gently*
I most certainly will, sis.
-SN-
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Postby Kunoichi » Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:24 am

*smile

I am having a lot of love help me deal with my past. Sometimes I feel guilty...like i should just turn a switch and pretend everything is ok. But i know i can't. I am realizing more and more the extent of my abuse. Alot of it was delved in fear. He abused me to make me afraid of displeasing him. *Sorry i know some may not want to read this but this helps me mentally and emotionally to talk about it. By talking about it, I can't just bury it*

For the last five years, I was mentally and emotionally abused every single day. It was subtle and crafty how it was done. I was made to be afraid and literally every day was blamed for something that either couldn't possibly be my fault or was something that i couldn't avoid. I was made to fear him, yet he mentally (for he is very very intelligent) manipulated my mind so as to love him at the same time. He isolated me from my family, saying my mom did all these things (some was true but it was twisted truth that he told me) and made it to where i barely saw my family. He made me a slave in my job, often i would work without pay. If I tried to leave (i tried to quit multiple times), he would just make it to where i would stay (guilt and other things, fear mostly). He would tell me all the time how I was a hypocrite, how I lied, how things were all my fault. (there were times i lied because I was afraid that he would belittle me more). And yet I couldn't leave, he had me. He told me how I didn't really believe in God. He told me that nothing i did was good enough. I wasn't good enough. that when i got sick, well that was me making it up (even in the hospital), that when i got depressed (something that i have clinically and isn't something i can always control) - that i was doing it for attention.

He abused me sexually (something i was able to finally unbury last night with the help of my husband) - when i was younger as i went to leave, he would push me against the wall and try to kiss me to where i had to push his face away, he would touch me and everything else. Yet i told no one cuz he manipulated me in saying that it was fine. Eventaully we did more, even tho i didn't want to. And eventually, he manipulated me to where I did. I have to take responsibility tho because I could have ran, just felt I couldn't. And at this point, he had me hooked to where i felt i couldn't refuse.

Everyday for the last five years has been steeped in hell. Both mentally, emotionally and physically it was hell. A hell so steeped in fear that when i get flashbacks I shake and feel as if i'm going to vomit. I know people will not understand it. Afterall, I wasn't physically hit but it WAS abuse all the same. (Some ppl - not on here - have discredited what i have gone through)

I just need prayer as these things come to me. I am learning how not to be afraid to be myself, and as i grow more in following God he is healing me. It makes me nearly cry just thinking about how much he identifies with me and just loves me. That is the most I feel right now from here and from my God is overwhelming love. something that was twisted (For he said he loved me even when he abused me) and perveerted for the last five years. (the rape from my fiancee didn't help either).

I had to get that off my chest - not to say i am self pitying- but rather to admit, to unbury in myself the fact that i was a victim of abuse (a stab to my disillusioned independence). Thankyou all for your love, prayers and support. This is going to take a while to heal so be patient with me as I grow in the love of Christ.

God bless

Kelly
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Postby Shilohan ninja » Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:28 am

That's it, sister. Let it all out. Hold nothing back. It's better to lay everything out on the table and be vulnerable, despite the discomfort, than to hide away. Blessed are those who grieve, for they shall be comforted.
What a testimony. I will pray that you can let go of this baggage and learn to forgive yourself. After all, it wasn't completely you fault, only partially. I will pray for this guy, too, that he finds God and learns to repent of the tragic thing he's done to you. No one should have to go through that. No one.
May the Lord Almighty continue to counsel and comfort you through this spiritual battle and help you overcome your fear. For He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, courage and a sound mind. God bless you.
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Postby Kunoichi » Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:43 am

*smile Jordan..you are such an encourager and prayer warrior...I praise god that he gave you words to speak to me, ones that both challenge me as a disciple, follower and daughter of God.

I am reading a book "so you don't want to go to church anymore" by jake colsen. It is extremely challenging and challenges me to my core.

it challenges the fact that i am always seeking approval. IF someone gets mad at me for being who i am, well it upsets me and i try to change it or skew it to be the way they want me to be. I worry about my weaknesses that it might somehow cause others to stumble or make it so that people don't like me or that it might ruin friendships and relationships. But ya know, i realize more that love (love in general, Christ love and God's love)..that is enough to get me through today.

I may not have my past figured out, I know that will never fully happen on my own strength..i am human living in a broken world and some very very bad things happened to me. Somee that may seem worst then most, less then most or equal to most. I don't think the point of my suffering is the fact that this is just a broken world and it happens, but rather that God still works in a broken world.

I'm tired of being fake, of hiding my feelings, hiding who i am, hiding my doubts in the Lord or sometimes the anger in God and in people that i feel. But I know that my God is big enough to handle it all, even if people may seem like i am being blasphemous or whatever, i think God would rather have me as i really am then trying to fake it and cover it up. (Maybe that's why he hung out with the outcasts and "sinners' so much more than teh religious)

I am still going to update this because I still need prayer. I am still seeking approval but i pray that God will help me realize i don't need approval because God already loves me without me doing a thing. This is why life is a journey, not something we can control and know the outcome.

Please continue to pray on my behalf. and as always PM me your struggles, doubts and other things you may want prayer for or post them here.

We are in this journey together, one that will take away our securities in other things and our insecurities in ourselves to act other than we are. I just pray that i will not lose sight of everything...but God is big and he has me in his hands. Even through these circumstances, I know that God is moving - even if i can't see it through the pain.

*hugs to all please keep communicating...it is something i cherish above all else

Kelly
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Postby K. Ayato » Thu Aug 28, 2008 11:15 am

I'm glad you're on your way to letting it go, Kun. I'll continue praying for that, and that you in your heart forgive those who've wronged you in the past as well (I'm sure you did, but sometimes forgiveness is an on-going thing). *Hugs*
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Postby Shilohan ninja » Thu Aug 28, 2008 12:41 pm

Much love and hugs to you as well, Kelly.
Such elloquent writing, I might add. :thumb:
I will continue praying.
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Postby SailorDove » Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:17 pm

oh boy.... You've really been through a lot. And being in pain doesn't help one think calmly or clearly.

Dear Jesus,

Please heal Kelly's body and please give her your peace that is beyond understanding. Please bless her marriage and keep her and her husband safe from evil. In your name Jesus we pray,
Amen.
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Postby Kunoichi » Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:59 am

your guys encouragement means so much to me...i am still struggling and i'm trying to realize i can't rely on my own efforts but the Lord's. ...and not i got this stupid cold lol thanks for praying guys...it means alot!
I am on the forefront of battle against the demons of earth. All Praise and Glory be given to God Forever and Ever!


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Postby Doubleshadow » Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:46 pm

Still praying for you sis! You're always in my prayers. :)
[color="Red"]As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. - Proverbs 23:7[/color]

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Postby Kunoichi » Fri Aug 29, 2008 9:18 pm

body is cramping tonight...its nearly unbearable and has me in tears...please pray for strength to get thru tonight without too much to deal with *hugs thanks
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Postby Shilohan ninja » Fri Aug 29, 2008 11:50 pm

Dear Father in Heaven,
We come to you in prayer tonight on Kelly's behalf, that we might incure your healing power and your spiritual, mental and physical peace in her life. Lord, let not the pain keep her from much-needed sleep; give her rest tonight, that she may awaken tomorrow to praise you afresh and anew. Father, in the powerful and mighty name of your son, Jesus, I speak an open Heaven of heeling and peace over Kelly right now. For you have said in your word that it is by your stripes we are healed. Lord, open the flood gates of Heaven over our sister tonight. Let her encounter you in a new way. Let you heeling rain fall.
I pray this all in your holy son's precious name,
Amen

I wish you peace and rest, dear sister. God bless.
-Jordan-
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Postby Inu » Sat Aug 30, 2008 1:00 am

Hugs* God Bless Kunoichi, I will keep you in my prayers. Thanks you for everything, and will best wishes with everything. My God bless you and your husband for his continued support and love. May you grow together, and may your love for one another grow as everlasting as your love for God. God Bless.
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Postby MangArtist » Sat Aug 30, 2008 6:26 am

I'm praying for you sis! =)
God bless ya!
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Postby Kunoichi » Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:11 am

Inu...the fact that you support me in this..it means alot.

thanks guys...my body is doing ok..i'm hurting..please pray
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Postby Sheenar » Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:30 am

Still praying, my friend. *hugs*
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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Postby Kunoichi » Sat Aug 30, 2008 9:29 am

thankyou

*Sighs* i feel off today emotionally..i feel run down..prolly just cuz i'm sick ya know?

Migraine started today..and i have to work tonight bleh
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Postby K. Ayato » Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:22 pm

Take it easy, hon. It'll pass :).
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*Explosion goes off in the movie*

mechana2015: Does that answer your question?

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Postby Kunoichi » Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:36 pm

*hugs thanks

i guess part of me is struggling with how my emotions and feelings are such a rollercoaster...i know that is part of healing..and i know its not really my control in some ways (i can't speed healing ) so i just gotta give up the control of TRYING to heal in some ways
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Postby Shilohan ninja » Sun Aug 31, 2008 12:26 am

I know this might seem cliche by now and a little cheesy, but remember Carry Underwood's advice: JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!
Don't try to do this waltz without him, it's the greatest mistake of all.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowlege Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5
I am still praying for you, Kelly. Godbless, sister.
-Jordan-
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Postby Kunoichi » Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:09 am

*smile well i guess Satan didn't like me leaning on God heh

Got maybe five hours of sleep...satan attacked me hard with nightmares of demons..again. I rebuked him but he still was relentless. I did manage to fall back asleep but because my sleep was so hetic (like thrashing and stuff) i feel like i got hit by a truck this morning bleh
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Postby AsianBlossom » Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:51 pm

Hi Kunoichi.

Just wondering: were you talking about your boss up there? Have you spoken with the police about this? He was definitely WAAAAY over lines that should never be crossed.

I'll be praying for you, for whatever your needs are.
RESPECT THE UNBORN AND CHOOSE LIFE...your mother did.

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Postby Shilohan ninja » Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:20 pm

That really sucks. I'm sorry to hear that, Kelly. I'll continue praying and thinking of you.
In the meantime, I wouldn't suggest any headbangin' for a while, 'k'?
But seriously, I do hope you will continue relying on Christ for your strength. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Keep fightin', sistah! We'll still be here for prayers and moral support on the real.
Godbless, Kelly.
-Jordan-
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Postby Kunoichi » Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:09 pm

Asian blossom: yes, but its hersy, i can't prove it

Jordan: brother i really appreciate the encouragement...I know i am mostly just complaining alot ..i'm sorry about that...i guess it just want to be strong ya know? Be like Peter and Paul, where nothing seemed to faze them

Update: pain is very very bad today. Almost didn't make it thru work and pain meds aren't even touching it. I am relying on the Lord..I am ready to go to the hospital at this point..the pain is getting to be unbearable and i almost didn't make it out of bed..i..just..what if i'm not strong enough? I know the Lord is...guess i'm answering my own question lol I am learning more what it means to depend on the Lord for strength..when i have none.

On a side note: what is the difference between sharing troubles and complaining? I feel like i'm complaining but because of the abuse I am not sure if that's reality. Thanks guys
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Postby Kunoichi » Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:03 am

update: been still really bad..i may not go to work today because i'm not sure if i can get out of bed..it had me in tears last night and today..well I'm going to see what the percecets do.
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Postby AJV » Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:28 am

Praying for you Kelly.
Hope you feel better soon. :)
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Postby Kamille » Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:03 am

Kunoichi (post: 1256363) wrote:Asian blossom: yes, but its hersy, i can't prove it

Jordan: brother i really appreciate the encouragement...I know i am mostly just complaining alot ..i'm sorry about that...i guess it just want to be strong ya know? Be like Peter and Paul, where nothing seemed to faze them

Update: pain is very very bad today. Almost didn't make it thru work and pain meds aren't even touching it. I am relying on the Lord..I am ready to go to the hospital at this point..the pain is getting to be unbearable and i almost didn't make it out of bed..i..just..what if i'm not strong enough? I know the Lord is...guess i'm answering my own question lol I am learning more what it means to depend on the Lord for strength..when i have none.

On a side note: what is the difference between sharing troubles and complaining? I feel like i'm complaining but because of the abuse I am not sure if that's reality. Thanks guys


I'm still praying for you.

Peter and Paul had many problems in their lives that they were definitely phased by. There was Peter denying Christ, even when he was a disciple, and there was Paul when he went to Asia. One of my pastors used 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 to describe how the terrible pain that God pulls us through leads to glory through our complete dependence on God.

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

Through your dependence on God, you my feel phased sometimes, but you will be victorious through Christ whom God raised from the dead. You will be, and have by faith already been raised from the dead.
"Lives are power." - Kamille Bidan
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" - Christ the Lord (John 11:25-26)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4.

Remember - the Lord will be with you - always. :)
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