It feels like a lot of stuff, anyway...

[Bap]

First... I guess I kinda want to apologize... I always only seem to post whenever I'm at a bad spot in my life. And... I'm sorry for that. Um... and I'm also sorry for the major TL;DR. (But I would honestly appreciate it if someone did, and if they have any words at all.)

And... this goes back so far... my thought stickies. (anyone remember?) I think this month would be my second anniversary of daily thought stickies. Aka... thoughts that I don't like to think at all that stay with me, and I constantly try to counter-think them, but they seem to have a... sling shot effect? Where even though I try to fix it, it slings back to the thought I don't want.

It's gone from things like floating toast around people's head to being afraid I might turn myself over to the Devil, or something.

While the former is incredibly annoying, the latter is just... disturbing, and I wish I wasn't afraid of that. Because I've grown up in a Christian home my whole life, and while I haven't been a 'real' Christian until a few years ago, I would have never thought I would be anything but a Christ follower. So it's annoying when I'm constantly 'what if'-ing myself. And I'm constantly trying to counter-think why Christ is better.

Of course a lot of these thought sticky things are emotion based, so if I don't feel it's convincing, it might as well not be.

Which is why there's lots of 'sling shotting' back and forth.

This might not seem like a big deal... but it leaks to every other aspect in my life. And I'm not exaggerating.

I've been afraid to pray to God, because I'm afraid my mind will drift (which it does) to not God, and even though I immediately think to myself, 'I'm not praying to that, I'm praying to God,' the thing is... I spend more of the prayer time thinking about how I'm praying to God rather than actually praying to God.

I haven't had an actual long prayer talk with God for a few months now, and I think I'm starting to feel it.

And... I haven't really been reading my Bible either, mainly because I don't know where to read that'd help me with my life, and I'm having a hard time praying to God to help me play 'random flip to page that helps me.' And I'm also afraid to read because... yeah, mind drifting.

Just to show how bad it is... I have to constantly assure myself that pronouns like, he, she, you, etc, have nothing to do with the Devil.

And it's not just in the Bible. Pretty much any piece of literature I read. It could be Arthur, and I'd have to pause at every pronoun for a moment to think that the words are referring to talking child aardvarks and bunnies.

It's made school hard.

Uh... another example... My math teacher is so smart, and she's experienced a lot of stuff, and even that was affected by these 'thought stickies.' And... I had the 'what if' thought that she like, made a pact with not God for all her knowledge.

...yeah... I bet some of you might find it funny, and if I weren't taking this stuff so seriously, I'd probably find a humorous aspect to it, but it's seriously killing me.

For one... I had absolutely no reason to think that. It was all because of my thought stickies. As far as I know, she isn't religious, but if there were any pacts involved with her knowledge and experience, it would definitely be with God.

I can't think anymore. And it's killing me.

Last night, I spent three hours in bed constantly thinking and being afraid I might pact with not!God (um... if you guys are wondering why I keep doing that instead of just saying it, it just kinda keeps me sane not to think about it directly.) to make Otakon fun. And then when I was so tired, and I wanted to stop thinking and sleep... I was afraid I'd make some kinda deal with not!God to let me sleep.

So I spent about half the night convincing myself if there were any pacts and deals to be made, it'd be made with God.

Right now I'm afraid to fall asleep, because I think I might've made some kinda unconscious pact or something...

If you guys can imagine... I constantly do this pretty much every day of my life. The stress has built up, and I honestly think everything 'wrong' with my life right now (bad grades, can't concentrate, forgetting things more often, no motivation) is because of these thought stickies. (Because I'm constantly thinking, and I'm tired of it?) My hobbies have been affected too. (you know those people who're like, 'pokemon are devil creatures!' or whatever? ...Yeah, I've had to think and reason out how that's just super paranoid speak and if anything they'd probably be... well, God's creatures.)

And... I dunno. I just kinda started crying today. I can't sleep, I can't pray, I can't read the Bible, I don't have any close Christian friends to tell this to, I can't tell people everything about this, because if they did, I'm sure they'd think I'm crazy. I feel lonely. So alone, and so afraid, and so vulnerable. I've felt so lackluster about life lately. I've had these thought stickies for two years now, and they're killing me. (Figuratively.) I'm so afraid. What if they don't stop? What if everything is going to get worse? (which it has, and probably will.) I'm scared to keep living my life like this.

I just need and want prayer, please.

(by the way... with the whole pact and deals thing with God, I know you don't pact and deal with God, but it's more of a... 'if I did, it would be with God' thing.)

[lionheart]

I very much hope that you don't worry 'too' much about it. God is relational--He cares about you very much! Praying isn't like a mathematical equation or anything, ^_^; it's talking to the one who made your soul--who knows you better than anyone.

The following theory isn't canonical by any means, but it's a theory that my pastor came up with, and I think it would shine an interesting light on things if it happens to be correct. Anyway, he had noticed a number of people suffering under the slingshot thought pattern-thing, and thinks it is a form of spiritual warfare. Since they're not often allowed to target people physically, they go after the only other target available, which is the mind. People's fears are the easiest to target, and often have the most vicious results, particularly the "what if's" (I... had that happen to me a few weeks ago. Not fun...). Guilt and idleness are other thought areas targeted, and possibly I've left a few out, though personally I think that fear is the most common. Anyway, the entire point of spiritual warfare is to distract people from a relationship with God. If we become distracted by fear, guilt, idleness, etc. our personal interaction and conversation with God is affected, and the enemy's goal is satisfied.

You could quite possibly be able to turn the whole thing into a strength if you start talking to God about, well anything, really, whenever you have troubles or troubling thoughts. He knows your heart, and it's not as if He's going to think "Oops, she forgot to dial the extension code properly, I'd better not listen." He's... not like that. ^_^;

Anyway, I will be praying for you!

-Andrew

[Sheenar]

I don't really have much advice to give you, friend. But I will say that I've learned through experience that randomly opening your Bible and reading does not usually work so well.
You need to have a plan. Perhaps you could look online and find one of those "read through the Bible in a year" plans. Or you can find a good devotional/Bible study to go through. Something to help keep you focused and on track. So you have a set theme/book to study.

I would heartily recommend any Beth Moore Bible study. She teaches soundly and uses tons of Scripture throughout.

Hang in there, my friend. God is still working in you --and the enemy is attacking you --but Christ is with you. And He has already won the war.

[Aedin]

I just woke up, so I don't know if I have any advice to give, but you can always talk to me, I'm on AIM almost all the time. Just send me a PM if you want my AIM name.

And just to clarify, I mean you can talk to me about anything. I don't really mind if every single time we talk we talk about problems you have.

[Danderson]

Bap, my younger bro went through something similiar to ur experiance last year, with the whole what-ifs and it just killed both him and us as it was a daily (and nightly) struggle.......Then, gradually, with God's help alone, he was able to conquer those thoughts......

It may seem like you may never be able to get rid of these thoughts, but even this will pass away if the One True God you seek and follow. It might take many many battles before it leaves, but in James 8:14 it tells us that "when we draw near to God, He draws near to us...."

It's always going to be hard, becuase sometimes we don't always feel Him. But the more you seek Him, even if you are afraid to do so, even if you don't feel Him when you do, the stronger your faith will become, as u will no longer be depending on your own strength but the strength of the One who created and died for you...

He made for a purpose that no one else can fulfill, and I garentee you that He won't let you leave this earth without u completing his plan for you...

I'll be praying for you.....

[freerock1]

A couple Scriptures:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"For God is not the author of confusion but of peace...." - 1 Corinthians 14:33

I'll share something that I believe God has been teaching me lately... As Christians, we believe that Jesus is Lord over all, right? Then, if He's Lord over all, that means that He's Lord over not only us, but also over all our problems, all our confusions, all our frustrations, all our struggles, all our sins, and all the lies that pervade our minds. Evil is not from God, and we don't always know why he allows it. But He hasn't lost control over it, and Romans 8:28 tells us that God works all things together for good to those who love Him.

Also, take comfort in 1 John 5:18, which tells us that God’s Son securely holds those who are born of God, and the evil one cannot touch them.

As far as prayer... try to find a time that you can break away to have a few minutes with God. Summer is a good time to get into the habit.

Hopefully this is of some encouragement. Know I'm lifting you up in prayer. Be encouraged, my sister.

[Bap]

Thanks, everyone. All of your posts and encouragement really do help. <3

[12praiseGOD]

Praying!