Each time, Legacy would hesitate for a moment, then fly off with Advent, occasionally requesting Glaive or Vesper to come with them. Shard might have been jealous of the attention Advent, especially, was receiving from Legacy, but he was too busy feeling relieved that she never asked him to come along.
"Been praying, church boy?" Advent said, contained triumph trembling behind his voice.
Shard parried again and again and again, keeping a firm grip on his sword. There was no time to think, no time to realize he was fighting much better than he ever had before, now that he was facing his death. His mind seemed to go completely blank; he didn't even think. His body seemed to move of its own accord, following the moves and maneuvers Glaive had worked his hardest to pound into him.
Now a warm, wet substance met his cold fingers, and he had a feeling this should make him afraid, though he couldn't think why, unless because there was so much of it seeping past his fingers.
"No!" Shynael's voice came out in a vehement roar. "I know a way – my mother told me! Dragon blood closes wounds, right?"
"Y-Yes."
"Well, I'm a dragon."
The four of them sat side-by-side until the sun set and darkness fell. No one said anything more, but as Shard readied himself for bed, he felt oddly comforted. When he knelt down by the side of the large bed to say his prayers, he asked for forgiveness – not only for himself and Shynael, but for Vesper and Vannasai as well. And he had the feeling that someone on the other side of the courtyard was doing the same.
Another shape swam in and out of his vision, and it took him a long time to realize what it was: the dragon on the hilt of his sword, which lay a few feet away. A dragon.... This was like the reverse of Saint George.... A dragon.... Shynael.
kryptech (post: 1247492) wrote: Though it must have been something Advent dreamed about before, it seems more like a crime of passion, as it would be impossible for Advent to retain is position after what he did.
I didn't really get this. I'm not quite sure who Saint George is. I took this as a call out to Shynael for help?
Esoteric wrote:Really? I thought most westerners knew about St. George. I guess maybe not so much anymore with the decline of historical studies. In legend, he's famous for slaying a dragon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_George
Esoteric (post: 1246440) wrote:Nooooooooo Shard!....
There were more than two hearts pounding at the agonizing end of this section.
Wow.
I was in tears when Shard restrained himself under that attack.
You're setting all kinds of records here--you're also now the first person to ever dedicate something to me. And 47,000 words...already? (The longest thing I've ever written was 36,000.) You go, girl! XD
Some thoughts: Advent is a curious case. Legacy is spending more time with him now, but he's even more angry at Shard? Angry enough to take such a risk? This is hard to make sense of, unless all she talks about is Shard when they are together. Or it's Vesper that Advent secretly likes... Either way Advent must have truly come unhinged, because there's no covering up something like this.
The battle with Advent... I didn't think it would quite come to that. Obviously he's had some serious hate going on for a while and finally had a good opportunity to take it out. Though it must have been something Advent dreamed about before, it seems more like a crime of passion, as it would be impossible for Advent to retain is position after what he did.
I was thinking the same thing. Even though he waited for the perfect opportunity, he couldn't dream of covering this up, He'd be the primary suspect.
Two suggested changes. First: I realize I'm being picky again, but closing wounds isn't quite the same as stopping the bleeding, especially not with stab wounds. (A person can internally bleed to death quite easily). So if dragon's blood can 'heal wounds', not just 'close them'...it might be better.
Also, I'm not familiar with sword injuries but I would imagine that they could kill someone pretty quick. I suppose very little time elapsed from the first wound to the end of the chapter? Like Esoteric said, dragon blood would likely have to do more than just close wounds but probably repair internal damage too, if Shard were to be healed.
Second: "Well, I'm a dragon." Yes, you are. Way to state obvious, Shynael! This is one of your big moments, Shynael, so you want to sound cooler than that. How about, "Then move away." ?
I think a response along those line would be far more effective--Telling (I'm assuming Vesper) to move clear of Shard because of the hot blood he's about to poor out over him.
But everything else was great. Seriously. Now you better get back to your computer and keep typing, missy, because that was a terrible cliff-hanger and I want more right now! No, it really wasn't too much of a cliffhanger. I know he survives. But it was really exciting, and I always want more when I get excited...
kryptech (post: 1247581) wrote:So I guess "the reverse of Saint George" is sort of like Shynael (a dragon) coming to defeat Advent (a human) and save Shard.
Heheh, nothing slips past you guys, does it? ^^' Yeah, that's one of my weak points, and I'm definitely going to have to change that in the second draft. It would be easier if I could show Advent's thoughts, of course, but that wouldn't really work. How about this? Instead of somewhere around a week elapsing between the hatchling battle and Advent's attack, it's more like a day. Advent would still be pretty heated about the whole 'stealing my glory' thing. Obviously, I want to keep in the scene with Vesper/Vannasai and Shard/Shynael, but then I could have that first lesson where Glaive looks questioningly at Shard be the one where Legacy calls Glaive away and Advent attacks. Would that work better?
the_wolfs_howl wrote:Heehee, I'm so glad you guys liked this part! I guess I must just like writing scenes of intense pain or something, but I was so excited to get this written. And you know...it's interesting, but just last night I finished watching Braveheart, and in the climax William Wallace is being tortured]
I think I might be a little the same. In a recent short story I wrote the part I looked forward to writing most was were the character is badly injured. When I read your above post I considered why I felt similarly. I think for me it might be because of the intense and extraordinary emotions that one can write about in those situations. It is a challenge getting the reader to empathize with what the character is experiencing.Esoteric wrote:Or B: Advent makes sure he has a solid alibi, (or at least what he believes is a solid alibi) so that he won't immediately be suspected.
I prefer the latter solution. It allows you to keep the valuable 'time', and doesn't drastically compromise Advent's sneaky behavior to date.
I sort of imagine Advent is naturally hot tempered...
kryptech (post: 1248675) wrote:I think I might be a little the same. In a recent short story I wrote the part I looked forward to writing most was were the character is badly injured. When I read your above post I considered why I felt similarly. I think for me it might be because of the intense and extraordinary emotions that one can write about in those situations. It is a challenge getting the reader to empathize with what the character is experiencing.
the_wolfs_howl (post: 1250228) wrote:On Advent: Don't worry]
Oh? Well it better be a good one!!Kryptech wrote:I think I might be a little the same. In a recent short story I wrote the part I looked forward to writing most was were the character is badly injured. When I read your above post I considered why I felt similarly. I think for me it might be because of the intense and extraordinary emotions that one can write about in those situations. It is a challenge getting the reader to empathize with what the character is experiencing.I guess. Either that or I'm a sadist But I've noticed that some of my favorite parts in movies are ones where a character's being tortured. Like Star Wars or Princess Bride? At the age of nine, my favorite parts of those movies were where Luke gets hit by the Dark Lightning, and where Wesley gets tortured so much he becomes 'mostly dead.' And while the climax of Braveheart made me cringe and wince and press my hands against my mouth, I think that might be my favorite part of the movie.
"I've seen wounds from dragon talons before," Vesper finally said, putting one hand gingerly on Shard's bandaged abdomen. "Those are sword wounds."
Shard sighed and looked away. "Advent was the one who attacked me," he said dully.
Vesper gasped and gripped his shoulders with greater intensity than she had ever shown before. "Then why didn't you say so?"
Vesper gritted her teeth and turned away from him, clenching her hands into fists. "Because Advent is cruel, and you are not," she said in a harsh whisper. She whirled back around, furiously wiping her eyes, and said shortly, "I need to change your bandages."
Shard watched her as she unwound the bloody bandages, her anger fading until she became the quiet, timid Vesper he knew. He wondered what Advent could have done to bring about such a reaction.
kryptech (post: 1250806) wrote:I like your description of the dragon scales - smooth and oily. They have a less harsh feel than the rough scratchy image that would normally come to my mind when hearing "scales".
Advent's excuse was pretty straightforward. I still don't know all that much about non-Ambassador human-dragon relationships. I guess this sort of attach could theoretically happen but was unheard of. So Advent's story would be that Shard was caught off-guard by a strange dragon, he chased the dragon off, then Shynael showed up and brought Shard back to the Ambassadors' HQ. I suppose Advent went more or less directly from the scene to Legacy to tell her his story and then she and Advent showed up at Shard's bedside.
I can almost hear Shard reply. "Why didn't you say anything about my wounds?"
For someone's who's always been so quiet and shy, she's proving hard for me to pin down at the moment. I feel like her anger is more a reaction to the current revelation of Advent's guilt, rather than at something in the past. It will be interesting to see what she meant.
One final thought in my mind. I think Shard and Shynael would probably have some serious issues to talk about regarding the Ambassadors at this point. Ever since he arrived, he's been learning how to fight. He doesn't like to fight. He doesn't like to kill. Ever since he got there, Advent has been bullying him. Advent just tried to kill him and has seemingly just gotten away with it. On top of that, everyone (except Vesper) has been giving him the cold shoulder since he lost control. At this point, I think Shard would seriously begin considering why he should stay. The situation has slowly progressed from unpleasant towards unbearable. Maybe he shouldn't stay. For his own (and everyone else's) safety, I can see him considering leaving. He doesn't like to kill. There will be more blood shed if he stays.
the_wolfs_howl (post: 1251707) wrote:And now for the tough part: dealing with Eso's demanding critiques XP Just kidding]
Muhahahahahaha! Yes, I am evil and demanding!
hehe, no really. I hope you don't mind me too much. I've just got a few years on you in the demanding logic department. I learned the habit it from my brother (who's logic prowess I still cower before, so you're not alone).I would say 'gone too far'. I think Advent was mainly intending to fight Shard just for a little, until Shard was at his mercy. Then when Advent had his sword at Shard's throat, he'd say, "Haha, eat that" and leave. But he gave into the dragonrage, so he couldn't stop himself when he knocked Shard's sword away, and he ended up plunging his sword right through him. Then once he left and calmed down a bit he realized that there was some pretty serious evidence against him, so he formulated his alibi. And he had a few hours to figure it out, too. I don't think he really had any of this planned out beforehand. He's impulsive, so he saw his chance and acted on his hatred.
*sweats profusely* Does that work?!
Relax, that'll work fine, but I might suggest a two things to help portray that reality. First, when Advent is attacking Shard and Andriel is watching. When Advent begins to 'go too far', Andriel ought to say something in an attempt to intervene. This will clue the reader in that murder wasn't exactly the planned intent. Secondly, if it was an 'accidental slip' and the alibi was so hastily formulated, I don't think Advent would be nearly so smugly confident afterward. He could be relieved when his alibi appears to be working (especially when Shard says nothing) and slowly gain his confidence back from that. But initially I think he'd be fairly worried (inside) about what his unplanned mistake may cost him.*squirm squirm* I...I want to just tell you, so you can say if it's a dumb idea or what. Writing it this way always makes me feel so clumsy, especially if you convince me it is a dumb idea or at least one that needs to be discarded or changed drastically. I have to keep on reminding myself that it's okay, this is just the first draft, and everything can be changed in the future.
No don't tell me, and don't let me bully you with my ideas, either. For writing this the way you are...essentially rough drafting it...you're doing very well. It's not at all surprising that there are glitches in logic and such the first time through. I have the same problems and it takes me a revision or two before I can iron the 'logic wrinkles' out.Oh, good idea! I feel kinda bad, because I should be thinking of these kinds of things, as the author, but...I won't pretend that I'd thought of him thinking of leaving. I guess I'm just so focused on the things that I want to happen in the story, things I came up with ages ago, that I've forgotten about Shard's wishes. Does that make me a bad brain-mother? T_T
"Advent used to pick on me, the way he's done to you."
She might have thought I was the one who attacked you...and when you would back me up, she'd think we were working together to get rid of Advent. She knows you don't like him either.
Shynael snorted. "Dislike? They hate us! You could see it in their eyes!"
"Yes, but why? We never did anything to them!"
"Nothing except exist, you mean," said a voice behind them.
Shard's heart leapt in his chest, and he turned around to find Legacy and Linygae coming up behind them. Legacy smiled, and Shard couldn't help but think about what Advent had said.
"Don't let Advent get to you," Legacy said. "He's like this to all new Ambassadors."
"He must hate a lot of people, the way he was talking," Shynael muttered.
Legacy pursed her lips. "It's not hate, exactly. It's more like...initiation, or something; I don't know. He's been here since he was a child, since before any of us except Glaive, so it takes him a while to warm up to newcomers. But don't worry. He does eventually." She smiled again; Shard's stomach flip-flopped, but he still couldn't shake Advent's words off.
Advent's eyebrows rose as if this was an unreasonable question. "Done? To us? Why, nothing, of course." And with a snicker, he swung up onto Andrael's back and the two of them flew away.
"Shard!"
Seething, Shard whirled around and snapped, "What?" Then he saw Legacy standing behind him, and felt his face grow hot. "Oh...s-sorry. I-I didn't mean...."
Legacy waved away his stammered apologies and sighed. "It shames me to say it, but I think Advent might be a little jealous of you."
Shard's face was still hot. "Jealous? Why?" He couldn't think of anything he had that Advent didn't; if anyone had a right to be jealous, it was Shard.
Legacy's eyebrows rose marginally. "Well, you are a black, after all."
I told her Advent provoked me...he denied it.... And who do you think she believed?"
Esoteric (post: 1255989) wrote:It was a good section, it just brought up a lot of thoughts and questions in my mind, which I'm sure will eventually be answered.
Esoteric (post: 1260761) wrote:I must say, I'm quite impressed that you turned out more on this story at the same time you were working on others. You sure can crank out the work!
I am happy to see that you've begun to address some lingering issues in this section. We're learning more about Glaive and especially Legacy, which is important. I understand a little better now why she blinds herself to Advent's flaws. Good developments, keep it coming!
kryptech (post: 1260865) wrote:I liked the continuing development of the 3 ambassadors. Like Esoteric mentioned, the conversation between Glaive and Legacy helped to shed a little more light on Lagacy's point of view.
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