a few things....

[bakura_fan]

Well, don't know which to talk about first. Guess I'll just...start. So, I've been on at least 4 different types of birth control. First when I was in the military, then when we moved I got off due to lack of funds. Started again last summer on a pill (then I was changing every month thanks to my doctor...screwed me up for a bit. Got a second doctor and has kept me on the patch. However, I've been on it for 6 months now, and I'm slowly feeling sick. Like nauseous, depressed, etc. So, Micah and I have decided I get off of it altogether. Here's my problem. There's a reason we're on it, we can't have kids in our current situation. We are living with his mother because we have too much debt, and we need to save our money so we can leave. I know that some people don't like the idea of birth control, so please don't attack me for our choice.

Second, I really don't like kids. Ever since I volunteered at church many years back to help out with the nursery (only did it to get out of the church sermons really, back when church made me sick. Felt false at times, if you know what I mean. But I had to come because of my parents). The more time I spent around them, the more they've rubbed me the wrong way. Even now, doesn't matter the age really *except the one's who can't talk yet....they don't annoy me.*. Also, I don't want kids until I can be sure they're not gonna screw my life over. I want to go back to college, experiment with what I want to do (take a few classes or go full time).Kids mean everything goes away for yourself and are devoted to them. I guess I don't see kids as a blessing the way that my husband does. Micah said that if I do get pregnant he'll find us a place of our own. But that's not the big issue I have with getting pregnant.

Third, I am very self conscious. I have fears over everything on what people will think of me. I keep myself...well to myself out in public. So how does this tie into pregnancy? When my husband and I met with my parents over Christmas the same year we got married (for those who don't know my parents did not attend our wedding) and we mentioned joking to a friend of his that I was pregnant and my dad almost blew up (he missed the joke part). When we finally cleared it up that it was a joke and I wasn't pregnant he got slightly calmer and said "good. I was about to kill you both." I live, and have lived in fear of what my parents have thought of me. I can never seem to get their approval because I'm me. And I truly fear them, more so if I'm pregnant. I don't want kids. I really don't. The only real way I can protect my children from my parents is if I don't have any....(hopes they don't read this....)

so...there it all is...I guess.

[NekoChan_C]

wow, sweetie... I am so sorry that you're going through all that... I was on Ortho tricylcin (sp?) for a while and it had a few side effects, like nausea and irritability... but it cleared up my skin, so I was all, Heck, yeah!!! **NOTE** I gots pregnant on this pill... Not sure if it's because I'm overweight or just incredibly fertile, but FYI**
Hmmm... can you get an IUD? There are two kinds, one with hormones and one made from copper, with no hormones. There are a number of brands/doses now that you could try, just be careful of when you are intimate with your husband once you switch.

As for not wanting kids... Hon, you have plenty of time to decide that. There is no magic age when it becomes either "right" or "necessary" to have them. And I think that you are being quite wise in waiting, simply for the fact of not being financially stable. A baby adds a TREMENDOUS strain on finances.

But don't think that just because your parents might not approve that you shouldnt have them at all... Children are a wonderful, blessed gift when reared in a loving marriage by a couple who are dedicated to being a family...

You are a grown, and married woman now... No longer subject to your parents' rule. Pray and ask God to give you guidance for your future.

God bless!
Neko

[bakura_fan]

wow, sweetie... I am so sorry that you're going through all that... I was on Ortho tricylcin (sp?) for a while and it had a few side effects, like nausea and irritability... but it cleared up my skin, so I was all, Heck, yeah!!! **NOTE** I gots pregnant on this pill... Not sure if it's because I'm overweight or just incredibly fertile, but FYI**
Hmmm... can you get an IUD? There are two kinds, one with hormones and one made from copper, with no hormones. There are a number of brands/doses now that you could try, just be careful of when you are intimate with your husband once you switch.

As for not wanting kids... Hon, you have plenty of time to decide that. There is no magic age when it becomes either "right" or "necessary" to have them. And I think that you are being quite wise in waiting, simply for the fact of not being financially stable. A baby adds a TREMENDOUS strain on finances.

But don't think that just because your parents might not approve that you shouldnt have them at all... Children are a wonderful, blessed gift when reared in a loving marriage by a couple who are dedicated to being a family...

You are a grown, and married woman now... No longer subject to your parents' rule. Pray and ask God to give you guidance for your future.

God bless!
Neko

Thanks for the info about that pill. with me I constantly would miss days so to me going on that would be completely useless. IUD's I'm not too comfortable with. I dunno why, just am. I guess the thing that I'm majorily afraid of is, not knowing how to treat kids. I see how my actual grandmother treated my mother (ok...never met her, just head stories), and how her stepmother treated her (not physical abuse, just treated her like she was meaningless and had no purpose in life). My mom keeps telling me that she doesn't want to be like her mother and did everything she could to not be like her. Well, in one sense she's not her mother, or step mother. But she still has a sharp tongue that poisons you at times. You never know when it's going to strike. I'm starting to show signs of that too, and it scares me. My parents call our bad luck "the (last name here) curse". I told this to my friend's bro in law (he's in his 40's I think, went through a lot of spiritual stuff like I did) and he told me that he felt that God had put me here to end the curse that my family (not just my mom's side, but my dad's too) had brought upon themselves. It scares me, because that's what I feel too. I just don't want to fail. I don't want kids, because I'm afraid I won't stop the curse.

Also, micah wants at least one kid before we're 24. We're both 21. Not too much time really. And I remember asking God something about having kids and He said soon. So if you add everything up, I'm just a tad bit stressed. It's like, I want to stay on birth control even if it screws me up, just so I can maybe, just maybe buy some more time. I don't want kids soon. Maybe sometime way down the line...but I just no longer see kids as a joy, or anything like that. If I get mad at them, what do I do? My mom stormed off to her room and shut herself away for hours. Never really discussed our problems (still not allowed to). It's like a pretend relationship, that everythings fine. I don't know how to act any differently. ;-; I'm really scared.

edit: I forgot to mention another fear. My mom had two miscarriages before me, and another when I was 5. So I don't know if I'll have the same problem as well.

[NekoChan_C]

Those are definitely valid concerns... I can understand why you would be scared. My family is very much the same way... My mom is certifiable. I mean... she would be okay one second, then instantly fly into fits of rage at those around her. It drove my dad insane... And when I had kids... I fell into some of the same patterns. I wasn't my mom, but... I had some of then same tendencies there. What has ended up being my saving grace is my fiance, IchiTone. While he also had a messed up family life, it was a bit different than mine, and he was able to show me ways to avoid being what I longed NOT to be like. Perhaps Micah can balance you in that way as well.

The (last name here) curse could very well be the truth. The Bible speaks of curses that are passed down, from generation to generation... and they CAN be broken, it just takes a lot of prayer and intercession.

On the more practical versus spiritual side, though... while I understand that Micah may be ready now, or soon, he will certainly understand that there doesn't need to be any rush. God has blessed your marriage and He will bless your union with children when the time is right...

Right now, try not to fear, see what you can do about finding a form of B/C that will work for you and make sure to talk to God often about the plans He has for you and Micah.

And don't forget to enjoy the time that you have with your husband, family and friends now!

[bakura_fan]

Those are definitely valid concerns... I can understand why you would be scared. My family is very much the same way... My mom is certifiable. I mean... she would be okay one second, then instantly fly into fits of rage at those around her. It drove my dad insane... And when I had kids... I fell into some of the same patterns. I wasn't my mom, but... I had some of then same tendencies there. What has ended up being my saving grace is my fiance, IchiTone. While he also had a messed up family life, it was a bit different than mine, and he was able to show me ways to avoid being what I longed NOT to be like. Perhaps Micah can balance you in that way as well.

The (last name here) curse could very well be the truth. The Bible speaks of curses that are passed down, from generation to generation... and they CAN be broken, it just takes a lot of prayer and intercession.

On the more practical versus spiritual side, though... while I understand that Micah may be ready now, or soon, he will certainly understand that there doesn't need to be any rush. God has blessed your marriage and He will bless your union with children when the time is right...

Right now, try not to fear, see what you can do about finding a form of B/C that will work for you and make sure to talk to God often about the plans He has for you and Micah.

And don't forget to enjoy the time that you have with your husband, family and friends now!

just to clarify. Micah wasn't the one that said soon. It was when I was praying to God about kids. He said soon. Micah's not all strict on we must have a kid by 24, he thinks it would be a nice age to start with. I dunno. Maybe I'm just not trusting God in all this. (big time worrier here). and for my own curiosity, can I see the verses on the curses please?

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I can't wait to find a girl, get married and have kids but I understand your trepidation Bakura. From what you've shared your parents really haven't set all that good an example for you and you're finding it tough. Thankfully God is for you, not against you. I pray that your family relationship will heal, that your parents will learn to love you and Micah, and that you and Micah will learn to love them even when they don't deserve it, especially then. This is not possible without God's help. But with God, you can do it!

I'll be praying for you mate.
God Bless

[Sheenar]

just to clarify. Micah wasn't the one that said soon. It was when I was praying to God about kids. He said soon. Micah's not all strict on we must have a kid by 24, he thinks it would be a nice age to start with. I dunno. Maybe I'm just not trusting God in all this. (big time worrier here). and for my own curiosity, can I see the verses on the curses please?

Maybe Neko was talking about Exodus 20:5-6?
[I]
"You shall not worship them or serve them]

I don't really have any advice for you (being as I have no experience with birth control except for taking the Pill for acne). Also, have you thought about natural family planning? I am friends with a married couple who are doing that (birth control got too expensive). I would say do some research, pray, and trust God with the outcome. But I am here for you, my friend. Love you.

[NekoChan_C]

Sheenar is right about Exodus... I couldn't remember exact verses so I googled it and came back with a very informative website... here's the link.
http://www.sw-mins.org/gen_curses.html

as for natural family planning... that can effective, but I know a few people who conceived even though they were following the schedule. To quote Jurassic Park (strange, but fitting) "Life will find a way."
No b/c is 100%, but God knows better than we do and if He allows you to conceive, then there is a reason why. There are plenty of choices for B/C... the pill, diaphragm, patch, IUD, depo provera, the sponge, spermicidal foam, etc, etc... each one has its own strengths and drawbacks...and some are more expensive than others. I would say to do as much online research as you can for both cost & effectiveness, then try to go from there.

I hope this helps! And if you need to ask any sensitive questions, feel free to PM me. I'm always here to help! ^_^

Neko

[AsianBlossom]

Have you considered Natural Family Planning? It's used by couples who wish to delay having children. No medications to take at all, because it tells you when you're most likely to get pregnant by "reading" the signals your body gives, so you know when you're most likely to get pregnant. Here's a page that talks about it: http://ccli.org/nfp/index.php (mature readers only, please).

[Lynx]

Natural family planning isn't the most effective option, and has some major cons. I wouldn't advise it if you really don't want kids right now. Talk to your doctor about it. Your doctor can work with you to find something that's right for your situation. If you'd like some more information about types of birth control and how they all work, message me sometime. Maybe I can give you some options to talk about with your doctor. We med students like being quizzed by real people... good practice for when the doctors pimp us

[Mr. SmartyPants]

What about male contraceptives, such as a condom?

[K. Ayato]

Hey, bakura. I understand your concerns and fears about having kids. Even when I thought I myself was gonna get married, I did once say to my mom "I don't think I'm ready to have kids. I won't know what to do" and she could sense the fear behind those words. I can't say I know for sure it was the Lord Himself who said "Soon" when you prayed and asked for guidance regarding having children in your situation, however I do encourage you to allow Him to take control. I know that sounds very scary, and I understand His plan may not fit in with yours. Even then, His plan is the best. It's not an easy thing to accept, but I know He won't let you down.

I'll be praying, hon. Last thing I want to say is, it's perfectly ok for you to be reluctant or absolutely against having kids. I personally don't think every married woman is destined to be a mother (if not right away, at least). Even I go back and forth on the subject of having kids or not, and I'm still single . Just hang in there, hon.

[12praiseGOD]

Praying!
May God be with you!