I don't know what's wrong with me

[fairyprincess90]

I've got so many problems. I feel like a nut case.

I've been depressed and paranoid, fantasizing about horrible things (sexually), thinking terrible things.
I'm terrified of my boyfriend leaving me when I have no evidence of him wanting to leave me at all. I'm terrified that I'll be left alone all my life, I'm scared that I'll die alone. I fantasize about committing suicide in elaborate ways...I dream about it even at night when I have no control. I've constantly tried to break up with my boyfriend (even though I'm scared of losing him) because I know I hurt him because of my many "ups" and "downs" and because I overdose and cut myself.
I starve myself, I take laxatives and diuretics. I'm terrified of gaining 1 pound. (though I do have to say I'm happy with my weight right now..I just don't want to gain)
I have no motivation to live...I sit around on my computer all day...When I could be outside swimming or enjoying life. I want to just lay around...take naps...do nothing. I'm scared to try new things around people because I"m afraid of failing and looking stupid. I'm paranoid of being rejected. I'm scared that people make fun of me and think I'm crazy.
Every moment I'm away from my boyfriend I feel heartbroken.
I feel like I'm two different people, battling for dominance over my body. The one is so evil, the other is so good. The one tells me horrible things and to do horrible things, the other tells me to be happy and do good things. I sometimes get very quiet and can't speak because I don't know which to choose and it's a very real battle going on in my head that affects my decisions and choices in life.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've looked up symptoms of many different disorders and it seems I'm a mix between:

Sexual Sadism, Anorexia, Bulimia, Dependent Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I'm considering going to a doctor to try and get help...but I don't want to be on pills my whole life.

My mom said it could all be a simple thyroid problem.

I don't know what's wrong with me but it seems every day is just getting worse. Every day I feel I've slipped deeper into this lonely pit.

I don't know what to do...who to run to...and whether I should keep living or just end all this confusion and pain.

I'm so lost.

I know God loves me....but my mind is spinning and out of control....and I don't find anything in the bible about mentally ill people....nothing says anything about people like me.
So I can't turn to the bible to find answers. I'm lost, confused, and bitter.

Please pray. Pray that I can get a grip and that my mind would calm down.

I cry so much these days because I feel so hopeless and I am so upset that this disease isn't just hurting me...it's hurting my boyfriend, my parents, everyone around me. I can't live a normal life like this.

[NekoChan_C]

Hon,

I am praying for you... I know just how you feel, I've been there on and off for years, and I feel the same way about losing my boyfriend. It IS a pit...a dark, lonely and scary pit that you just can't seem to climb out of. And when you do try, sometimes you make a little headway, then you fall and slide down farther than where you were before you started.
But God is faithful and He loves us. He definitely doesn't want us to be down in that pit of despair and He doesn't want us to suffer either. Keep looking up... keep your eyes on Him and when he sends people to reach down into the pit and give you help, then trust enough to accept that outstretched hand. Even when you are feeling at your lowest, then take a moment to thank God for His blessing and ask Him for the strength to get up and go do something to benefit your life, your heart and your health.

God bless you, I am praying for you and I am here if you need someone to talk to.
Nekochan

[ShiroiHikari]

As for the laxatives and diuretics...please get help. That kind of thing can quickly get out of control and destroy your body.

One thing that may make you feel better is being more active and eating healthy food (i.e. lots of vegetables and grains), and drinking plenty of water and not soda or anything really sugary. I'm not saying that improving your diet will solve everything, but if you eat healthy and drink water, it's harder to gain weight, right? It can also help with your emotional and mental well-being.

Also, some light physical activity certainly wouldn't hurt. Heck, even just sitting outside in the sun for ten minutes every day might be a good idea. (Plus you get vitamin D from doing that.)

Also, to me it sounds more like you have severe depression and anxiety. You could see a doctor for that, too, but...I recommend just trying to take better care of yourself first and seeing a therapist or counselor if you can. Pills don't always help.

I know this stuff is easier said than done, but you'll never know if you don't try, right? I'll pray for you.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

As for the laxatives and diuretics...please get help. That kind of thing can quickly get out of control and destroy your body.

One thing that may make you feel better is being more active and eating healthy food (i.e. lots of vegetables and grains), and drinking plenty of water and not soda or anything really sugary. I'm not saying that improving your diet will solve everything, but if you eat healthy and drink water, it's harder to gain weight, right? It can also help with your emotional and mental well-being.

Also, some light physical activity certainly wouldn't hurt. Heck, even just sitting outside in the sun for ten minutes every day might be a good idea. (Plus you get vitamin D from doing that.)

Also, to me it sounds more like you have severe depression and anxiety. You could see a doctor for that, too, but...I recommend just trying to take better care of yourself first and seeing a therapist or counselor if you can. Pills don't always help.

I know this stuff is easier said than done, but you'll never know if you don't try, right? I'll pray for you.

I second all of this!

Also...

Depression and Anxiety kept me pinned down for a few years in the past, so it's not something to let linger around. I know it's hard when you are going through all of that, but please try not to dwell on it... seek help asap. The pills never worked for me, but they do help a lot of people, even if you only take them for a short period of time to calm you down, so that you are able to talk with someone and get this under control. Even if pills do not help, you can overcome this, I know it... from personal experience and I've seen many people overcome anxiety, depression and many other emotionally tormenting things, it is just a matter of finding out what is going to help you. You gotta try! Please! God will help you find what it is you need to help this... I will be praying for you. I'm around if you ever need to talk, so feel free to send me a message if you need to.

[Prince Asbel]

Fairyprinces, I also have to battle my evil side. I even have to kick myself mentally to keep dark sexual thoughts out of my own head. Believe me, you're not alone. I have them, and I'm not crazy. Yes, it makes me a horribly sinful person on the inside, but I'm not crazy. It has to do with our sin nature.

It sounds like you're under a little mental inbalance in your system, fairyprincess. Overdosing on pills is not going to help and may even cause more mental problems like the ones you listed. Do you live with anyone? If so, you should probably put your pills under lock and key and give them they key so that they're always around to make sure you don't overdose.

Oh, and see a doctor. You may not even know if your overdosing is already causing you injury. You should probably get medicine for treating your social disorders as well. But again, make sure your medications are under lock and key. Things will only get worse for you if you continue to take excessive amounts of medicine.

[fairyprincess90]

thanks everyone.

i find i'm having trouble sleeping lately...which isn't helping my moods at all. =/
but thank you for all your prayers and advice. it means a lot.

god bless.

[Tsukuyomi]

I'll be praying as well ^^

Depression isn't an easy thing to dive into on your own. I agree with Shiroi ^^ Try going to a councilor first ^^ I have a feeling doctors will just bombard you with pills :| Like HiddenWoodChuck said, pills don't help everyone. See how it is with the councilor first before doing anything else ^^

Perhaps just going outside and taking a walk will do you some good I started going outside and taking walks a little ways back. It made me felt great ^^ It wasn't anything huge, but just being outside in the nice sunny weather made me feel re-energized Maybe if not a walk, just sit outside on the front porch (or w/e you have) and just watch everything around you ^^

I find myself to be a bit moody when I just stay inside for too long, but I can change that by just stepping out the front door ^^

May I ask some of the things you enjoy doing?

[animewarrior]

I can't say much right now. However just know that I'll be praying for you.
You aren't the only one struggling with these kinds of things believe me. >,<
Be Praying for You,
Your Sister in Christ,
animewarrior

[fairyprincess90]

Tsukuyomi, i like to draw and read..i like to write as well sometimes. but lately i just have no motivation. i sit down and try to write (my boyfriend and i are doing an RP just him and me together and that's what i usually write in) but i have no inspiration or motivation and i haven't written in the RP for a very long time...i hope he's not mad at me. but i just can't seem to enjoy doing the same things that i enjoyed before. =/

[Tsukuyomi]

*Hugs* It'll be ok Don't lose hope just yet Maybe you just need to try something a little bit new

How about watching anime?

Lol, you prolly knew that was coming didn't you XDD?

[Saint Kevin]

Princess,

I, like many others here in the thread who've posted before, have suffered from anxiety, depression, fear of rejection, and lust.

In my personal experience, this mellows a bit with age, but the most helpful thing for me to help deal with these things are 1) Reading God's word regularly and praying (it reminds me of His love for me and purpose for life), 2) Going to church and making Christian friends, and 3) Taking good care of myself (Getting enough sleep, food, and exercise).

In your case, since your depression is manifesting in ways that are potentially self-destructive, I would definitely recommend talking to someone trained to deal with this (a Christian counselor, Christian psychiatrist, or pastor).

Don't worry about the cost of getting the proper help or about the discomfort or anxiety you may feel, because getting better as quickly as possible is definitely worth it. After all, every day you aren't who God wants you to be, others are missing out on the wonderful person you are and the great things you will do for the Kingdom of God. There is never anything wrong with asking for help (God wants us to recognize our need for His help and ask Him for it - after all).

Do you go to church at all? If not, I definitely recommend that you find a good, biblical church near you. Additionally, start reading the bible regularly - it will have a profound blessing on your life if you do.

I'll be praying for you my sister.

[fairyprincess90]

Tsukuyomi, i do like watching anime =] i've been watching a lot lately since i have been laying around doing nothing pretty much...besides working. hehe

and Saint Kevin, i do attend a church..but lately i haven't been goin as much as i should. i haven' been there in about 2 weeks..last week i was planning on going but i overdosed on stuff and felt sick and didn't go. the week before that i was just being lazy. i know i should go more...

thanks everyone for advice. god bless.

[Danderson]

i like to draw and read..i like to write as well sometimes. but lately i just have no motivation./

Ask God to give u the motivation.....It's when we seek Him that He reveals himself to us.....

U have my prayers....

[Aedin]

I'll pray for you. I don't really know if I could help you as much as I'd like to, and maybe I don't know your situation enough to say this, but if your boyfriend and family are hurt by your situation, then I'm sure they'd be hurt a lot more if you killed yourself. If your mom thinks it's a thyroid problem, maybe you should try some thyroid stuff. I personally believe people should try everything they can before they give up, so I say if there's no harm in it, try some thyroid stuff and see if it helps.

[NekoChan_C]

FP... I'm still praying for you, that God will touch your heart and make you feel whole again... in the meantime, I have to agree with Shiroi that the BEST thing you can do for yourself is to be careful with how you treat your body.

You may not WANT to, (I know this because when you are depressed the last thing you generally want to do is eat right, exercise and get enough sleep) but those things can truly make a world of difference... between caring for your temple (body) and seeking God, there will be change...
I'm not saying that it will fix your problems, but... God will give you the grace and strength to deal with them and you will be far less worn out by the fight for being in good health.
God bless...
Neko

[Aedin]

I guess I just wanted to mention I deal with depression and anxiety as well, I lied awake in bed for two hours last night cause of anxiety. Sounds like lots of you are going through heavy stuff, that I'm not sure if I can help with, but I'd like to at least try, and to be there for you all. I know I'm new, so I'm not well-known here, but feel free to PM me if anyone needs to, and I use AIM a lot, my name on there is elazulknight. I don't know how helpful I'll be to people, but I'd like to at least try, and be there for people.