Do you ever feel...

[HiddenWoodchuck]

so tired, both emotionally and physically, that everything seems numb? I'm sure people feel that way a lot, that it is just my feeling sorry for myself, that is making me so upset or something like that... but as I browse these forums, just reading posts as a habit, while glancing often to stare at the bright moon glaring in my window(and listening to the very loud music coming from next door...)... I feel the need to ask for prayer, because I can't handle it alone anymore. My prayers are full of doubts... my mind is full of uncertainty and my heart is shattered. I get by each day, only because of the bit of trust I still have in God, about what I am suppose to do with my life... what my being here is for. There is nothing else to live for, other than my wanting to follow God's plan.

I can't explain all of the reasons for me feeling this way, but it's basically just life, as many people experience it... I've got a job, there is no problem with that, it's a decent job and it pays the bills. I can't work this job forever though... it's enough pay to support myself and have money for other stuff, but there is no way it would be enough for a family. I've had people tell me "just take up classes to study for something else" or to just simply find a better job. The problem is, I am tied down to loans... food, gas and bills are all major cash drainers... I can't simply up and leave my job and snatch something better out of the blue. Good jobs are hard to come by right now... and the one I have, I am very lucky to have it... so I can't take a chance with that, as I need the pay. The whole school thing would take forever to do at this rate, as I have no time for it... it would have to be online schooling, but cash is a concern with that. I dunno how I could come up with money for it. I've got other loans to take care of.

I've got no Church to call "home" anymore... I left mine, because the message got lost in countless "give us more cash/get more involved" speeches that lasted nearly 45 minutes each service. I've had bad experiences with the majority of Churches I have been to... the one before that was telling me it was evil to have long hair and listen to anything that wasn't a hymn... basically. I get a lot of crap for being non-denominational almost everywhere.

I don't like coming home to a empty house the majority of the time... and having no one to go visit.("why don't you just go out and make new friends?" Suuuure, go where? Church... oh wait, don't have one. Events? Haha... if I had a money tree, maybe... and if there were any events around here, besides an upcoming bluegrass show. Woo. I have sucky social skills also, so most people think I am a total bore... or just unable to speak... the few friends of mine who went off to college are the only ones who stuck with me long enough to know me... it can be pretty crazy around them without any worry. I just don't see anyone else sticking around to know me. I take too long to become the least bit interesting to people. I'd write a book on how much it stinks to be single, but I think there is plenty of whining about that online, so there is no point for me to say much about my past experiences with women... besides that fact I rushed into the last relationship, only for things to fall apart when they left for college... so it isn't like I am bitter about not having someone there... it was my stupid fault. I just am afraid of giving my heart to someone, to have them up and leave me again. I just wish I had someone to go to... that I could feel there, you know? I'd be able to bear anything if I had that.

I pretty much feel like my wheels are spinning in the mud... like I am going nowhere at all... I just go about, doing the same exact things each day...no changes. I feel pretty numb and out of control of it all.

I just want to escape... but I can't. The last time I up and left, it did nothing but make things worse in the end... driving for days on end with little sleep was reckless and solved no problems. I knew I would have to come back at some point.

So I don't like reaching a point where I act all boohoo and such, but it really have worn me out. I feel like I am about on empty at this point. I thank you for the prayers... I really need them. Thanks for your time also, this was a novel and a half I know... take care.

[Kunoichi]

Hey Hidden,

well first off..you have read enogh of my threads to know that I have experienced much of what you have gone through and am still going through it myself. I have learned however that prayers full of doubt are still prayers of faith. It doesn't matter if we have that doe-like bright sparkly eyes experience. God doesn't want that fake attitude anyhow...He wants the real nitty gritty us and the more people start to realize that, the better I think. Cuz we aint gonna fool God anyways.

and bro, if you need friends...you have one here. And I would be more than happy to give you my phone number and i'm not sure where you live but visit if that's a possibility. ...I have more long distance friends than close ones lol

As for the church, i hear ya. I'm in the same boat. I haven't foudn a church that is really searching and praising God just get involved, cash now churches. God will find a way for you to have fellowship. In fact, he is helping you by this place (CAA) I think too.

My prayers are not much, for I can barely lift my voice to the Almighty with my shame but God loves ya Hidden, I don't understand it (God's love) but he loves us and he loves you and he's listening.

*Hugs PM me for my number k?

*Smile

Kelly

[Sheenar]

I would be more than happy to be your friend as well, Hidden.
I'm going through similar things. Feeling alone...I understand how it feels. Let me know if you would like to talk --I'm in my dorm during most of my free time, so I'll probably be around.
*hugs* Hang in there. Life is hard, but God is ever so faithful.

[Danderson]

We all go through times where we get stuck.....but know that it doesn't have to last.....
I encourage u to contiue to seek God in Prayer and reading the Word, no matter how bad ur circumstances look or are....
U may feel alone....But with Him you never truly are....
U'll be in my Prayers....

[K. Ayato]

Been there more than once, buddy. They may seem extremely long or endless, but those times don't last forever. Hang in there.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

I haven't been on here in a while, but I just wanted to say thanks to all those who left messages here and sent me those private messages as well... it means a lot, and thanks so much for the prayers! Life is really crazy at the moment, though I feel things have improved as of late. I haven't been feeling the anxiety creeping in so much, and even with work being nuts, I am doing alright.

Thanks! God Bless