marriage trust issues

[bakura_fan]

I'm literally at the end of my rope. Time and again, I have caved and put my trust in him, and time and again, he breaks it. I don't know if it's me or him...or if I'm supposed to trust him no matter what. Anyway, here's the situation. Many a time, I, or his mom, or brother (we live at his mom's place for the time being) have asked him to do one thing (take out the trash, pay the bill, etc.) and have come home to find him on the computer, playing a game, or writing his story. According to his mom he ahs done this since he was little, and they got tired of it and let him get away with it (single mom raising four boys wasn't easy). Now, the latest issue. There's a fine for cars that have snow tires on them after today (04/05) My MiL took one of the other cars to work so he could go to les schwab and get the tires switched. I told him every few minutes to leave and get it taken care of. He said he would. I left for work around 1:30 Later my MiL calls to tell me he didn't. He couldn't find the tires. They were in the back of the car. He never called to ask where they were (he doesn't call for anything really....) and his mom came home around 7 to find it hadn't been done. We are very very tight on money, and we do not need another 200 dollars added to that. But, this is normal. This is my husband...He gets depressed when he can tell I can't trust him, or when he asks if I do, and I sigh and say no. I guess I'm just at a dead end. I'm stuck. Do I trust him with the bills? (which is what he wants....twice now my credit payment has been late in his trust). But, if I can't trust him to do anything, I have to do everything (laundry, dishes, etc.) We've talked about this alot. He starts doing things again, but after a week it's same ol same ol. I'm just...tired. Please pray that something happens. I don't care. Just..something. *sigh*

[HiddenWoodchuck]

I will pray for you and your husband.

[Slytherine]

Oh wow, that sounds tough. I can understand why you would be upset, and why you can't trust him. He really needs to grow up, seriously.

You can't just say you trust him, or just give him your trust; he really should have to EARN it, but that's your prerogative. You'll be in my prayers. I hope everything eventually works itself out.

~Slytherine

[EireWolf]

Hi bakura_fan. I haven't logged in to CAA in a very long time -- just been so busy with other things -- but after Mith mentioned this post I felt I should. (In case you don't remember, I'm married to Mithrandir.)

New marriages can be so fragile, with both husband and wife having to adjust to living in a new way. The fact that you're living with his family could be a contributing factor, as he is still playing the role of son as well as husband. This is how he is used to living, and he's going to have to make that much more effort to break out of his old habits. If there is any way for you two to move out and be on your own, I'd suggest you do it as soon as possible.

Does he often suffer from depression? Not to make excuses for him, but it could be a reason for his behavior -- it's very hard to get up and get anything done when depression is weighing you down. If he does suffer from clinical depression, medication and/or talking to a therapist might help him.

Does he know that this is a big issue for you, and that it's wearing you down? Have you talked about it when you're not angry or frustrated with him?

I wonder if it would help to write down the thing that needs to be done today, and put it in a location where he will see it easily throughout the day. Try not to nag -- this is a common thing for women to do, and a fine line to walk -- but remind him in this way, if doing it verbally isn't working.

Above all -- pray (and I will pray for you, too). Pray for him, and pray for yourself -- that God will show you how to communicate with him effectively. Try to put things in perspective, too -- this is difficult, no doubt, but there are far worse things that could happen in a marriage.

[bakura_fan]

Hi bakura_fan. I haven't logged in to CAA in a very long time -- just been so busy with other things -- but after Mith mentioned this post I felt I should. (In case you don't remember, I'm married to Mithrandir.)

yes I do remember.

New marriages can be so fragile, with both husband and wife having to adjust to living in a new way. The fact that you're living with his family could be a contributing factor, as he is still playing the role of son as well as husband. This is how he is used to living, and he's going to have to make that much more effort to break out of his old habits. If there is any way for you two to move out and be on your own, I'd suggest you do it as soon as possible.

we have no money unfortunately. We are over 5,000 in credit card debt because when we moved to maine, no one would hire me due to lack of experience, so our food came from credit (we were there for a semester of his college). Our bills and rent paid by family members. We moved back but have had no time or chance to save. We live paycheck to paycheck. My husband just got hired as a nurses aid. I'm leaving my current job at the end of august, with the hopes to move to spokane and work for the humane society as a humane officer(I have to live within 30 miles so that makes it a bit more frustrating, with the inability to save up for an apartment...lets put it this way. Lots of stuff on a very small plate). We also have hospital bills to pay soon because we have been uninsured since marriage. So, we have been out on our own, but he's been the same no matter where we were. Our apartment had no dishwasher, and his family just leaves dishes piled with food in the sink, so that's what he would do. Eventually I broke down and would scrub off the mold and food goo just so we had dishes. It's really upsetting, because I thought it was because our apartment had no dishwasher...well, no. It's because it was a family habit due to the grandma being picky and she would do the dishes. Now that she's died, they havn't gone away from that habit. It's wearing on my MiL too. *sigh*

Does he often suffer from depression? Not to make excuses for him, but it could be a reason for his behavior -- it's very hard to get up and get anything done when depression is weighing you down. If he does suffer from clinical depression, medication and/or talking to a therapist might help him.

nope. he is the most carefree guy I know. =_=]Does he know that this is a big issue for you, and that it's wearing you down? Have you talked about it when you're not angry or frustrated with him? [/quote] yes. we have had these talks almost every month to two months. I explain that it's hard for me to say yes when he asks me to trust him, when he shows he cannot be trusted to do things. I mean. If he said "no" or "can't, I'm busy." that would be different. The problem is he says "yes" or "in a bit" or "just a sec" and then doesn't do it.

I wonder if it would help to write down the thing that needs to be done today, and put it in a location where he will see it easily throughout the day. Try not to nag -- this is a common thing for women to do, and a fine line to walk -- but remind him in this way, if doing it verbally isn't working.

tried....failed. =_= lists become something in the background. Just things that are there.

Above all -- pray (and I will pray for you, too). Pray for him, and pray for yourself -- that God will show you how to communicate with him effectively. Try to put things in perspective, too -- this is difficult, no doubt, but there are far worse things that could happen in a marriage.

I've been praying. I really don't like talking about issues in our marriage to others...it just..feels like I've betrayed him. But I don't feel we can do this alone anymore. I want to find out who at our church does marriage counseling. I'm hoping that will help. But, with our schedules as hectic as they are, I don't think we can get together ever.

[bakura_fan]

Update: Talked to the marriage counselor at church. She gave us her number so we could set up a time that's good for all of us to meet. thank you for the prayers. I was able to express my frustration with everything to him last night without any frustration in my voice. Still don't know if it sunk in, but hopefully the marriage counseling will help. So again. Thanks.

oh yeah. The reason I want marriage counselling isn't so I can go in and say "he's not doing this or that". I want to feel like a team. That's why. I just don't feel like we're a team. And I want to know what we can do to better that, especially since we're halfway to two years. I guess if we can work on it earlier than later, it would be better.

[Sheenar]

That's good! Marriage counseling is very, very beneficial for couples. I pray that it helps get everything sorted out and in getting both of you on the same page.
*hugs*

[Doubleshadow]

Not being in any serious relationships myself but passing on advice from those who would know: Marriage counseling is good for even a rock steady marriage. In the old days, people grew up in one place, never left, and neither did anyone else they knew. Because of that, people knew each other backwards and forwards and so did everybody else. So, marriage issues would be known by everybody and the influx of advice or pressure would help everything sort itself out. Nowadays the societal differences mean the knowledge and answers aren't so readily acquired, thus the marriage counselor. I'll pray for you guys concerning everything you mentioned.

[termyt]

Has he read this thread?

I understand wanting to be trusted, but how can you expect trust if you constantly break the trust?

To be trusted, you simply need to do what is required of you. If you need to do something, do it. If you agree to do something, do it. If you want responsibility, then you need to take responsibility.

It's OK to take responsibility and fail if you fail because of some legitimate difficulty. That happens to everyone. However, repeated failures means the level of responsibility is too great for you and you need to scale it back.

At this point, I think you need to be very direct. A marriage counselor should help with this. He needs to see that, while your love for him is permanent, there is a direct link between receiving trust and taking action. This may sound harsh, but if he wants to be depressed about something, he should not be depressed that you do not trust him, he should be depressed because he has betrayed your trust. If he does not want to be depressed, then all he needs to do is what is required of him. Getting snow tires changed is not a difficult task.

Another thing: Do not trust him with bills. Holy mackerel - don't trust him with bills until he does a complete 180 and holds it for a year. Late credit card payments = high interest rates and denied loans. I have a similar situation. I love my brother dearly. I trust him to go to the store but I certainly do not trust him to pay bills. They are way too important.

[ShiroiHikari]

Yes, you really should make every effort you can to talk to a marriage counselor. Things like this will ruin a relationship. Trust me, I've been there. I was with a guy for quite some time who did things like this, and he just wouldn't do anything to make it better. That relationship came apart at the seams. I now know that it was God's will for me to move on, but at the time it was a living hell.

Marriage requires two people. You can't save it all by yourself-- he has to work at it too. He has to be willing to try, or it won't work.

[Tsukuyomi]

You're right, you should work as a team, and it's not fair if you're pulling the weight by yourself. Marriage is a union.. a team if you will. Try asking him how he would feel if the situation was switched? Maybe you guys can try doing that. Switch roles. Maybe he doesn't realize how he's acting? Talking is good. Communication plays a HUGE part in marriage. In any kind of relationship really.

I'll be praying for the both of you

PS. Private Message me anytime you want alright

[bakura_fan]

Has he read this thread?

no. But I've told him about it. He rarely comes on anymore.

I understand wanting to be trusted, but how can you expect trust if you constantly break the trust?

To be trusted, you simply need to do what is required of you. If you need to do something, do it. If you agree to do something, do it. If you want responsibility, then you need to take responsibility.

It's OK to take responsibility and fail if you fail because of some legitimate difficulty. That happens to everyone. However, repeated failures means the level of responsibility is too great for you and you need to scale it back.

At this point, I think you need to be very direct. A marriage counselor should help with this. He needs to see that, while your love for him is permanent, there is a direct link between receiving trust and taking action. This may sound harsh, but if he wants to be depressed about something, he should not be depressed that you do not trust him, he should be depressed because he has betrayed your trust. If he does not want to be depressed, then all he needs to do is what is required of him. Getting snow tires changed is not a difficult task.

yeah. I finally got myself to the point that I didn't feel guilty for making him depressed, because i realized that it just wasn't any help for me to keep saying yes I trust you, when I really couldn't.

Another thing: Do not trust him with bills. Holy mackerel - don't trust him with bills until he does a complete 180 and holds it for a year. Late credit card payments = high interest rates and denied loans. I have a similar situation. I love my brother dearly. I trust him to go to the store but I certainly do not trust him to pay bills. They are way too important.

He is no longer mainly in charge of bills. If he pays bills I'm right there with him (I sent him to pay $20 on our hospital bill, and they never recieved it. Don't know who got it, but they sure didn't*sigh*). I pay the credit card bill, the tires, and anything else. But mostly the money comes out of his paycheck, where mine goes to food and gas.

I just wonder if I'm being too hard on him. I mean, yeah he works 12 hour shifts at the hospital(still no set hours quite yet, just started), and those days I don't ask him to do anything...but if I need help on our days off I typically ask...but I don't know anymore...maybe I shouldn't ask. Let him have fun while he can.

You're right, you should work as a team, and it's not fair if you're pulling the weight by yourself. Marriage is a union.. a team if you will. Try asking him how he would feel if the situation was switched? Maybe you guys can try doing that. Switch roles. Maybe he doesn't realize how he's acting? Talking is good. Communication plays a HUGE part in marriage. In any kind of relationship really.

erm...if we switched...lol. I'd be playing games alot more. I dunno. I find comfort in cleaning...but I can't do tons of cleaning without some help. I guess that's all I want, is just him to clean up after himself a bit. Probably just a guy thing though(no offense to cleanly guys ).

Thanks for the prayers everyone. Still havn't figured out when we're going to talk to a counselor...he's right now on the graveyard shift(6pm-630am), so one of us is allways asleep.

[K. Ayato]

Wow, I had no idea your husband was working so hard. I can't say whether or not you're being too hard on him, but if I may, I would suggest you openly show him that you support the hard work he's putting forth to support the two of you (taken from reading For Women Only, good book by the way). From what the author said, it means a lot to a husband to know that his wife loves him, but it says tons more volumes if he knows she believes in him and is encouraging him in what he's pursuing for a living.

I understand it might be a challenge for you right now, seeing he works 12-hour shifts and comes home exhausted. But still, you can communicate to him that you're supporting him. Another thing, and this may be hard to swallow, is that guys don't like being constantly reminded about stuff. I know you're only trying to address something that concerns you (and believe me, I'm not immune to it either), but there's a fine line between a gentle reminder and nagging. Usually one time around does the trick.

I'll be praying for you. You're right on when you say that you want your marriage to be a team effort. That's exactly how it should be. I'll be praying for your husband as well. *Hugs* PM me at any time, hon.

[bakura_fan]

Wow, I had no idea your husband was working so hard. I can't say whether or not you're being too hard on him, but if I may, I would suggest you openly show him that you support the hard work he's putting forth to support the two of you (taken from reading For Women Only, good book by the way). From what the author said, it means a lot to a husband to know that his wife loves him, but it says tons more volumes if he knows she believes in him and is encouraging him in what he's pursuing for a living.

Well, he decided after two years of college he didn't like what he was doing so he quit. He came back here with me to get a summer job and he just happened to hear about the nurse's aid position the last day they were advertising. He and two other women were hired. He doesn't know if this is what he wants to do, but I do tell him how proud I am of him for what he does. I ask him if he knows and he says yes.

I understand it might be a challenge for you right now, seeing he works 12-hour shifts and comes home exhausted. But still, you can communicate to him that you're supporting him. Another thing, and this may be hard to swallow, is that guys don't like being constantly reminded about stuff. I know you're only trying to address something that concerns you (and believe me, I'm not immune to it either), but there's a fine line between a gentle reminder and nagging. Usually one time around does the trick.

most of the time 2-3 times works. Usually his mind is elsewhere the first time, second time it slipped his mind, third time, he panics cause he realizes he forgot again and rushes to take care of whatever(sometimes it's too late, then he ends up apologizing like crazy). He gets distracted easily....by games, tv, friends, family, etc.

Also, It's not like I'm trying to nag. I'm trying to remind him of something that he said he'd do. Like If I ask "can you do this (insert whatever) for me?" and he says yes. A few hours later I'll find it not done, and him still (insert what he was doing when i first talked *games, IM, writing, etc.*), so then I ask if he forgot. Some times he has, sometimes he hasn't but he wasn't planning on it right away. *shrugs* So, it's slightly confusing at times. I don't like to bug, but I never know if he's forgotten, or if it was never heard in the first place.

I'll be praying for you. You're right on when you say that you want your marriage to be a team effort. That's exactly how it should be. I'll be praying for your husband as well. *Hugs* PM me at any time, hon.

Thanks. I'm looking forward to the counceling. I want to know what I can do to conrtubute better as well (feels bad cause my job is easy. Go and sit in an office doing nothing but answering phones and checking people in from 2-10. I feel like my time could be better spent at home. I don't feel productive. Luckily I'm leaving end of august...)

[ShiroiHikari]

Even if he does work a lot of hours...he should still do what he says he's going to do. But that's just my opinion. :\

[Tsukuyomi]

People don't nag unless there is a reason to :| If it he does think of it as such it's because it's not being done and the only way you can get it across is to nag o_o;

Someone said I nagged a lot and I said to them it was because they provoked me u_u/

[EricTheFred]

While reading your initial post, I kept seeing myself ten to fifteen years ago.

This is not a diagnosis of Sword Guy, but it is to let you know that I, after behaving in very similar fashion for many years, was eventually diagnosed, and continue to be medicated. Whether the reasons apply to your husband is a matter a doctor must determine.

I have both Adult ADD and Clinical Depression. I take medicine for both. I was fine for most of my life by just pushing my way through it on my own until physical health issues not relevant here drove the depression to new depths and I began to tailspin.

As life changes us, we sometimes lose the ability to manage ourselves. We lose control of our organizational skills, or we over-focus on one thing to the exclusion of all others. An Adult ADD patient is usually a person who was not diagnosed as a child, because he managed to get by until the youthful vigor began to fail him in adulthood.

I'm not declaring that ADD is his problem. Anxiety and depression can also cause one to be unable to focus on day-to-day details, and I'm sure there are other possibilities as well. Saying it isn't depression because 'he's an optimist', doesn't work. Depression is not the same thing as a negative outlook on life. In fact, outward optimism can be a habit aquired by years of fighting depression internally.

Regardless of the problem though, I'll write you a prescription for it right now: Patience and diligence getting to the root of the problem, plus Love. Take as needed, and refill often.

[vash10429]

Husband's duty will support his family. If you two have the descendants, they should be the first care. No matter, remembered the family line must continue. The race must preserve, is decided for the national welfare by a purity, stiff person's constitution!

[bakura_fan]

While reading your initial post, I kept seeing myself ten to fifteen years ago.

This is not a diagnosis of Sword Guy, but it is to let you know that I, after behaving in very similar fashion for many years, was eventually diagnosed, and continue to be medicated. Whether the reasons apply to your husband is a matter a doctor must determine.

I have both Adult ADD and Clinical Depression. I take medicine for both. I was fine for most of my life by just pushing my way through it on my own until physical health issues not relevant here drove the depression to new depths and I began to tailspin.

As life changes us, we sometimes lose the ability to manage ourselves. We lose control of our organizational skills, or we over-focus on one thing to the exclusion of all others. An Adult ADD patient is usually a person who was not diagnosed as a child, because he managed to get by until the youthful vigor began to fail him in adulthood.

I'm not declaring that ADD is his problem. Anxiety and depression can also cause one to be unable to focus on day-to-day details, and I'm sure there are other possibilities as well. Saying it isn't depression because 'he's an optimist', doesn't work. Depression is not the same thing as a negative outlook on life. In fact, outward optimism can be a habit aquired by years of fighting depression internally.

Regardless of the problem though, I'll write you a prescription for it right now: Patience and diligence getting to the root of the problem, plus Love. Take as needed, and refill often.

I talked to his mom about this and she said that he always stuffs away his upset feelings...so maybe you might be onto something? I dunno. My parents thought he had aspergers...but then they try and a put a label on lots of things...

Husband's duty will support his family. If you two have the descendants, they should be the first care. No matter, remembered the family line must continue. The race must preserve, is decided for the national welfare by a purity, stiff person's constitution!

uhm..sorry...what?

[Tsukuyomi]

Husband's duty will support his family. If you two have the descendants, they should be the first care. No matter, remembered the family line must continue. The race must preserve, is decided for the national welfare by a purity, stiff person's constitution!

I don't think they have any offspring yet. If that's what you mean o.o

[Telakyte]

Perhaps this is the real reason I came back to CAA in God's infinite wisdom.

I myself am going through a divorce as we speak. I originally came on here to ask for prayer, and seeing yours found some encouragement.

Your situation is different (granted chores and money often seem to be common ground in divorces) but I can at least appreciate what you're going through, from the opposite end.

Both of you (if Christian) have to be willing to approach God with the issues at hand. As someone who found discipline sometimes a harder path, I know for a fact that your husband will have to find some of that of his own free will, or it will haunt him, and therefore also you.

As for the living with parents, no condemnation but I was in a similar situation with my wife. Hated it, had the funds to move out, but was basically told I couldn't. Take my advice (after praying about it) you are subconsciously being smothered in a household like that. Even if the parents are wonderful Christian folk (feel fortunate if they are especially Christian and living the life) it still bodes ill for your relationship. So long as he feels at home, so long as he does not feel the need for change he will not do so. He still thinks as a child (as I did) but has the body of someone older. For the two to come together he must have challenges and overcome them. He must have something that drives him for purpose, and to a large extent it must be that he is providing for YOUR wellbeing, not just his own. If necessary, I would say find a way to have him live on his own for awhile if he must. Let him grow up.

Next, he wants to play (as I did) after working hard. Understandable. But if the play is distracting him, it must be exchanged for some other form of fun. Games and such are addicting, a drug sometimes. Discipline is a no pain no gain situation. If he needs a week, a month, a few months etc. to break his habit, he's gotta do it. He needs to be able to rid himself of whatever it is that is his crutch for not taking responsiblity.

This is where you come in. You will at some point take the chance of being considered his worst enemy for awhile. Why? Because you're trying to get him to change. Change is hateful sometimes. But love is a hard thing and you must help him with these drastic changes. For you, his lifestyle is hurting and absurd, for him, it's a natural state of being that is being disrupted.

Try and find things that you can do to get him away from the games etc. And don't let him get started. The problem is that alot of times I've found that once someone starts up a game, or MySpacing, or whatever, it's hard to get them off. End it before it starts. Go somewhere, bring the bills with you, and bring them up when his attention and mind are focused.

You may have already tried these things, but the fact that you haven't given up quite yet is a powerful thing. Pray above all things. Make sure God is the center for both of you. If not, work towards that goal, or destruction is far easier.

Prioritize. God, Finances, fun. Work on getting that financial independence and you'll find that you'll be able to overcome MANY things that seem impossible. See what things you can cut down on, and if entertainments can be adjusted to involve things that require less spending.

Again in the end his faults are things he will have to change, likewise you. It's part of marriage. Whatever you do, don't threaten divorce until you have absolutely every intention of it (that's not to say you would, but I find this a very tempting thing to do). It's appealing because we look at it as a nuclear war threat. "One more screw up and I'll nuke the living heck outa ya." Makes sense, except with divorce it seems that it just attacts the opposite reaction. "Oh yeah? Nuke me, it wasn't worth living the way it was anyways!" Then of course off goes the nukes and you can't take em back. Or worse, the threat of nuke(divorce) lingers forever and acts more of a means of winning any battle, leaving the other party to simply always submit.

Anyways, I'm not an expert, I haven't taken courses in counseling, nor have I proven to be a perfect person yet, but this is the advice I offer based on what limited experience I've had.

Pray above all things to the One who is an expert and has far better answers than I, a faulty human being.

[bakura_fan]

I don't think they have any offspring yet. If that's what you mean o.o

nope. no kids...not for a long time. We have a two year old dog, an 11 week old kitten, and a bratty 2 year old cockatiel. but that's it. lol.

[bakura_fan]

Perhaps this is the real reason I came back to CAA in God's infinite wisdom.

I myself am going through a divorce as we speak. I originally came on here to ask for prayer, and seeing yours found some encouragement.

Your situation is different (granted chores and money often seem to be common ground in divorces) but I can at least appreciate what you're going through, from the opposite end.

Both of you (if Christian) have to be willing to approach God with the issues at hand. As someone who found discipline sometimes a harder path, I know for a fact that your husband will have to find some of that of his own free will, or it will haunt him, and therefore also you.

As for the living with parents, no condemnation but I was in a similar situation with my wife. Hated it, had the funds to move out, but was basically told I couldn't. Take my advice (after praying about it) you are subconsciously being smothered in a household like that. Even if the parents are wonderful Christian folk (feel fortunate if they are especially Christian and living the life) it still bodes ill for your relationship. So long as he feels at home, so long as he does not feel the need for change he will not do so. He still thinks as a child (as I did) but has the body of someone older. For the two to come together he must have challenges and overcome them. He must have something that drives him for purpose, and to a large extent it must be that he is providing for YOUR wellbeing, not just his own. If necessary, I would say find a way to have him live on his own for awhile if he must. Let him grow up.

Next, he wants to play (as I did) after working hard. Understandable. But if the play is distracting him, it must be exchanged for some other form of fun. Games and such are addicting, a drug sometimes. Discipline is a no pain no gain situation. If he needs a week, a month, a few months etc. to break his habit, he's gotta do it. He needs to be able to rid himself of whatever it is that is his crutch for not taking responsiblity.

This is where you come in. You will at some point take the chance of being considered his worst enemy for awhile. Why? Because you're trying to get him to change. Change is hateful sometimes. But love is a hard thing and you must help him with these drastic changes. For you, his lifestyle is hurting and absurd, for him, it's a natural state of being that is being disrupted.

Try and find things that you can do to get him away from the games etc. And don't let him get started. The problem is that alot of times I've found that once someone starts up a game, or MySpacing, or whatever, it's hard to get them off. End it before it starts. Go somewhere, bring the bills with you, and bring them up when his attention and mind are focused.

You may have already tried these things, but the fact that you haven't given up quite yet is a powerful thing. Pray above all things. Make sure God is the center for both of you. If not, work towards that goal, or destruction is far easier.

Prioritize. God, Finances, fun. Work on getting that financial independence and you'll find that you'll be able to overcome MANY things that seem impossible. See what things you can cut down on, and if entertainments can be adjusted to involve things that require less spending.

Again in the end his faults are things he will have to change, likewise you. It's part of marriage. Whatever you do, don't threaten divorce until you have absolutely every intention of it (that's not to say you would, but I find this a very tempting thing to do). It's appealing because we look at it as a nuclear war threat. "One more screw up and I'll nuke the living heck outa ya." Makes sense, except with divorce it seems that it just attacts the opposite reaction. "Oh yeah? Nuke me, it wasn't worth living the way it was anyways!" Then of course off goes the nukes and you can't take em back. Or worse, the threat of nuke(divorce) lingers forever and acts more of a means of winning any battle, leaving the other party to simply always submit.

Anyways, I'm not an expert, I haven't taken courses in counseling, nor have I proven to be a perfect person yet, but this is the advice I offer based on what limited experience I've had.

Pray above all things to the One who is an expert and has far better answers than I, a faulty human being.

Sorry, not gonna break it up individually. Just gonna reply.
1. We are both Christian.
2. his dad is a neo nazi, crazy guy that his mom left when he was three.(so she raised four boys by herself, with the help of her brothers*male influence*) so not sure if this is part of not seeing a husband wife interaction.
3. divorce = never will and never will be. I would saccrifice my health (physically and mentally) to avoid that at all costs. That's why I want to work things out sooner than later. Even if things never changed and he never got better...I would never divorce. never ever ever.
4. My husband NEVER wanted to live with his mom...ever. He wants out. I want out(not as much as him because I finally get to do mother daughter things that I can enjoy freely). we have this much money to leave = $0
=_= tight spot no? We want to leave sometime in August, but we're leaving it in God's hands.
edit:5. He has time and again said he would give up gaming...but..I can't do that to him. Beacuse I don't know if that's really what it is, or if it's his absent mindedness. I enjoy gaming as well, but I havn't been able to do it much. He likes gaming with me...so it's just something that I can't tell him. "give up gaming." no way can I do that. ;-; I mean...I want him to do it sparingly, but not give it up completely...ok..I think I was confusing there...sorry.

Anway. Update time. He is willing to try counseling *yea!* We still have yet to figure it all out (the scheduling and what not). I want to aim for this sunday...however he and I, along with his mom and her friend, are going to see Terry Fator in Spokane and it's a two hour drive from there home...so not sure if we're gona be able to get up for church. Maybe it will end up being monday instead. *shrug* thanks again all for the advice and prayers. They have been much appreciated.